I'm considering being a surrogate

[TheTwirlyPoos]

We have two good friends, they are gay.
They are desperate for a baby and I'd love to help them.
I've had two children of my own and am done.
My husband is uncertain and concerned I will become too attached etc.
Where do we start thinking about this?!

This. Don’t underestimate the power of the in utero bond. Surrogacy is cruel.

Leaving aside the moral and legal issues, as a parent yourself, I’d advise you to consider the worst case scenarios and deal with them.

If you were to die, do you have life insurance for your family? If you are disabled, short or long term, or way in the future develop incontinence or other issues caused or exacerbated by childbirth, what kind of insurance or financial support can you obtain? Will the purchasing ‘parents’ pay for that? What about lost earnings, replacement childcare for your own children etc. How will these be financed ?

Maternity care is failing in large parts of the U.K. I’m not scaremongering. Look at recent
CQC review of National maternity services in England. Are you prepared to rely on local NHS or will you have to travel? Do you want a private birth in London or even a private midwife or scans. What about physiotherapist etc if you need it in pregnancy and post natal care that may be unavailable on NHS. Eg prolapse etc.

There are numerous other things to think about including whether you’re happy to have these men in attendance at birth, have a say in your maternity care or birth choices, whether you will see the child again after birth , how your existing children will feel about it etc etc.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread …,

Think about the babies you gave birth to op. Think about how you bonded with them when they were inside you. Remember how you gazed at them when they were born. This child wouldn't have it's mother at all. I don't know how anyone could contemplate bringing a child into the world under these circumstances.

Not only that, what if the intended parents were in an accident while you were pregnant and both died, or were disabled beyond being able to look after the child, or convicted of a horrible crime? would you keep the baby? Hand ihim/her over to one of their families? Put ihim/her up for adoption?

Quite aside from anything else I think you should consider what sort of parent you can be to your child when pregnant and whether it will affect them at all.
Also, what if you are ill or even die? Childbirth carries health risks, you could leave your own children without a mother
Thats without going into any ethical concerns

Why would you do it OP? You have two of your own to focus your love and energy on, why complicate your life emotionally, physically, logistically, psychologically, legally etc.? For what?
I'm sure your friends will be alright and eventually accept realities.

This decision should be based on what is best for the most vulnerable people involved. I don’t agree that it is about a hypothetical baby being removed from their mother having listened to her heartbeat and voice for months.
I think it is about your children who risk losing their mother if there are are pregnany or birth related complications. As commercial surrogacy is not allowed in the UK can your friends the prospective dads insure your life to pay out in this unlikely event?

Surrogacy is a horrible thing to do to children.

Two thoughts-

Presumably you would have IVF. Are you aware that this can kill you and how would your family cope if that happened? Research OHSS

How do you think that the child will feel growing up knowing that you kept their siblings to grow up with their mum but gave them away?
Research children born of surrogacy, there are adults who have told their stories. Don't just listen to the happy parents.

I'm surprised your DH only seem to express vague concerns rather than outright disagree with the whole thing to be honest.

Yep. No good asking on here. Most Mumsnet posters HATE surrogacy!

Will you be using your egg?

Rather than thinking about how you would feel, think about how the baby you give birth to will feel. He or she will have known you and only you for nine months. They will want you: your smell, your voice, your presence. Taking a baby away from their mother to give to strangers (not to you, I know, but to the baby) is not the right thing to do.

It's also likely to be confusing and upsetting for your children.

Yes, as in people procuring a womb to rent in order to produce a living human being that would have to be removed from its mother at birth. I’m pretty certain that’s something worth hating.

Pregnancy isn’t without risk, I would be very wary

But posters are not just 'hating surrogacy' they are explaining to issues carefully and encouraging you to think before you are swept up in an instinct to 'be kind'.

There are lots of people to be kind to in this situation - you, your children, your DH and the baby in particular.

I think you'd best start with counselling.
There's no way how you know how you would react, I think your DH is right, to detach your feelings from a child you carry for 9 months then give birth to would be very difficult.
Even if you used an egg donor.
People who have IVF through egg donation still bond with their child when pregnant.
Your decision also impacts your DH and DC.
Pregnancy takes its toll on you physically and mentally.
I'm am against commercial surrogacy as imo it exploits women for money, I mean whoever has heard of a wealthy surrogate.
Doing it for family or very close friends with no money changing hands is different.
But I'd still think very very carefully, have they asked you to be a surrogate??
Have they considered adopting? Although understand by the time most children are adopted they have been traumatised and need a lot more support.
Sadly sometimes it's just not possible to be a parent.

That massively increases the physical risks for the mother.

Op - advocates of surrogacy tend to gloss over the physical risks. Carrying an embryo from a donor egg is much more dangerous than a natural pregnancy with your own egg. You need to consider the risks and the potential impact on your own family. Donating eggs also carries significant risks that tend to be glossed over. Are you willing to be part of a process that puts another woman at risk too? Eggs in many clinics abroad are purchased from vulnerable women.

You also should consider the impact on the baby as ahe/he will have bonded with you over the pregnancy and will then be removed from his/her familiar source of comfort.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do it but you need to ensure that you are fully aware of the reality of surrogacy.

Would you use your own eggs,
How would you feel handing baby over while hormonal?
How much would you expect to be involved, like a godmother or auntie?
What if your friends wanted to move away?
Would you be legal mum?
What if your friends make some bizarre parenting decision that you didn't agree with like smacking or bringing up their child gender neutral or vegan/meat eater or joined a funny cult? Could you cope with your offspring being put through that?

You took the words right out of my mouth (to quote Meatloaf)!

A good friend of mine asked me to donate eggs and DH was very concerned about my health if I agreed.
We were also worried about the impact a child that was genetically mine but "belonging" to close friends would have on everyone concerned.
I said no and it did affect our friendship, also they ended up moving overseas, how would I have felt about that if they had been taking a child made from my eggs with them?
And thats without all the risks involved in carrying and giving birth to a baby

Would you / could you give up your existing children straight after you gave birth to them?

Could you quote the source of these figures please? I’d be interested to read more.

Put aside the moral issues and the trauma on a new born baby. You’re a Mum so you need to put your own physical and mental health first so you can continue to be the best parent you can be.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/sep/23/surrogates-face-higher-risk-of-pregnancy-complications-study-finds