I'm considering being a surrogate

[TheTwirlyPoos]

We have two good friends, they are gay.
They are desperate for a baby and I'd love to help them.
I've had two children of my own and am done.
My husband is uncertain and concerned I will become too attached etc.
Where do we start thinking about this?!

I rest my case.

Most people state their case before resting it. There is no good argument for surrogacy.

It's IVF pregnancies with a donor egg that have the higher risk. Presumably the poster was working on the assumption that a surrogate pregnancy always includes a donor egg. That's obviously not always the case.

@Lovelyview

Most people state their case before resting it. There is no good argument for surrogacy. (In my opinion.)

Fixed that for you.

Have they even asked you or talked about surrogacy? They might not feel comfortable with you being a surrogate, having their baby so close to the birth mum could be quite difficult.

I don't think there is a good argument for surrogacy. That's not just my opinion. It's the legal position of many countries too.

On the practical side, I presume you are rich enough to sustain a period of absence from work. Sorry, I know it's harsh, it strikes me as being a first world problem to me, don't you have enough to care and worry about with your own family, or are you so wealthy that you don't need to work for a living and are simply bore? Or maybe you are being compensated. Or if you are simply doing this to 'be kind', and not considering all the good points on the thread, I'm not sure that would be a great contribution to the gene pool.

I am deliberately not reading the thread. I will read it, but I wanted to post without bias, if that makes sense.

I recently thought about something similar (not the same). I have a friend who is gay (and who has a partner), and I also want another baby, and we thought we'd try together. It didn't work out (medically; we did IVF and the first try didn't work), and for various reasons, it was clear that another try wouldn't be a great idea.

I don't know how helpful my perspective is, but it might be?

I imagine other posters have asked about practicalities - how will you do it, will it be IUI or IVF or what; how will you decide (if it doesn't work) when enough is enough; how do they plan to compensate you for it. In what contexts would you/they terminate a pregnancy? (This is really important!). Etc.

What I didn't expect, was how strongly I felt pushed around by hormones. Granted, I did IVF and it's a ton of hormones. But, I did not expect to feel emotional about my child's potential father, nor did I expect to feel so swayed by how he felt. How would you feel if (for example), you miscarried and they felt very differently about it from you? Or if (sorry, it's horrible), you became pregnant but a baby had a condition that meant you, or they, felt you should terminate - and you disagreed?

Would you be able to discuss a situation where you spent at least some of the first year with the baby? Personally, I would not have a baby I couldn't spend at least the 'fourth trimester' with. It's quite a doable thing, if they are willing - but it makes the attachment harder for you.

It is quite hard to foster or adopt, you know. And no one should adopt a child in order to prove they're 'good enough' to deserve a baby. That way madness lies.

I am not saying that the OP should or shouldn't do this, btw - just pointing out that saying 'why can't they adopt' is a stupid and cruel response both for potential parents and for children in the fostering system.

Um ... no, it really doesn't! Where did you get this idea?!

This is absolute rubbish. Reciprocal IVF in same sex couples actually has slightly higher success rates than conventional IVF.

I don't agree with surrogacy but there's nothing like a thread about assisted conception to show the ignorance of mumsnetters.

How are your examples any different to egg or sperm donation?

This could have such a devastating effect on your husband and existing children they may never be able to look at you in the same way ever again. You’d have to live the rest of your life knowing that one of them could wake up any day, even 20 years from now and say what you did was awful and I can’t even look at you.

Then there’s the poor baby who’s heard your heartbeat for months and months only to be given away within minutes of birth never to hear it again.

Please give your head a wobble.

• You're putting your life at risk for these two men.
• You're taking a human baby away from it's mother so two men can play at being parents
• what if they decide they don't want the baby after things like Downs testing come back as high risk? Who decides what happens? Then what?
• what if the baby is born in difficulty and they don't take baby after all?
• Your children will not understand why their sibling doesn't live with them.

For good reason! If you can't sell your organs to someone, why the fuck is it okay to sell a human being?

It's awful. It should be banned.

The way the world is going they're going to have baby farms to meet the demand. There's already issues with vulnerable women being targeted by this business.

They value you so little they would put your life at risk to get what they want?
That isn't what friends do.

According to this peer reviewed article (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0378378224001415) it is very much the case.

My goodness. They haven't asked me. I was just thinking about it.

I get it's clearly an emotive subject. And I'm reading every post. Thank you everyone for sharing thoughts and obstacles, which is what I asked you to do.

Do you think either of your current children would have been ok with being given away at birth?

Don't OP

No, it's not!

Yes, it most certainly can! Where did you get the idea it doesn't?!

I actually find the puppy analogy really convincing

This is actually done very frequently – many couples conceive using donor eggs

A baby isn't a commodity. To consign one to a life away from their mother is unspeakably cruel, and psychologically damaging.