I'm fat, frumpy and 40 and I'm very fed up...please help

[snackattack]

I'm a mess. I used to be fit, healthy and and looked pretty good I think. Well, it's all gone horribly wrong. I'm not making excuses, but I did have 2 years being bedridden with ME and then when I recovered I had two children in quick succession. This coincided with a bout of PND... so all in all, I let myself go - COMPLETELY. I lost all self esteem and concentrated all my energies on to the children. They wear all the latest trends, have regular hair cuts, eat healthy food and I adore them. On the other hand, I clearly hate myself. I don't eat healthily and obviously I have eaten tooo much and haven't taken enough exercise so I'm very overweight - at least a size 20. I have long blond highlighted hair (my one concession) but I think it's too young for my age now and I don't have the nerve to cut it. I do it myself (!). I don't EVER buy new clothes - my clothes and shoes are literally ancient and outdated - I wear stretchy trousers, baggy shirts and sandals or trainers all the time. I wear glasses which I detest (very old) but they are so expensive I just can't change them. I wear a tiny bit of make up (just so I can pass a mirror) and I do shower and wash my hair every day so I'm not a complete slut. However, I just know that whatever I wear, or whatever I do to myself I will just look as crap as usual so I can't justify buying anything or spending money on myself. I was thinking about what I actually do for myself and really it's nothing. I think my hands are quite nice but who gives a toss about nice hands when the rest of me is so crap so I don't bother although I suppose I'd like a manicure. I have the worst feet in the world - hideous in-growing toenail and they just look awful so I can't face going into a shoe shop - I'm desperate for some new shoes but nothing looks good on me and nothing is comfortable. I'd love to wear something more trendy but I think people would laugh at me as I'd just make it look rubbish. I really don't know WHAT to wear (or where to buy it!!)... my kids go to a private school - and all the mums look gorgeous but I look like a fat frump.
Sorry for the rant, but I just don't know where to begin - I'm sick of being like this. My dh is supportive in as much as he never comments on my appearance - but the one time I did try and dress up to go out for dinner, he didn't comment then either so I guess he thought I looked as rubbish as usual. I have no ideas about style, make up, etc - my eyebrows.....eekk....they are a disgrace - I so I decided to SHAVE THEM a bit (OH MY GOD, I know this is wrong but I just didn't have a clue about plucking)... and now they are all stubbly and looking even worse. I am in a real state and I need HELP.... where on earth do I start?? And is it worth it?? Thanks for reading this far.

Hi snackattack, I will watch this carefully as I am in the same boat.

You sound as though your self esteem is even lower than mine though!

I have been trying to take baby steps recently. Strt with something small and go and get your eyebrows waxed and have a manicure, doing something for you will make you feel better.

I know how you feel. I used to be well dressed and feel good about myself, now I feel like an old heffer surrounded by yummy mummys.

Bless you both.

Im a knackered old mum of 35 with 6 kids. And there are days when i make waynetta slob look tasty!

Snack attack. Your eye brows willgrow back really quickly. Then its only about 5 quid to have them waxed and shaped. And from then on you can keep them tidy yourself. If you dont fancy that get some eyebrow shapers from boots/superdrugs. They are brilliant just grit your teeth when you rip the strips off!

There are sites where you can up load your pic and that will then let you see yourself in different hairstyles and make ups. I'll have a google when i get more time.

As for your glasses do you know your latest prescription? Cos if its the same in both eyes you can buy them cool funky one for about 15/20 pounds in boots and some shops.

If you worried about spending out on too many clothes go onto ebay. Im a seller and i sell plus clothing and so do a lot of other sellers cheaply. That way you dont have the hassle of changing rooms and if what you but you dont like re sell it on ebay.

Or if either of you 2 are in kent i'll come and do a make over on both of you!!

It probably seems as if you have to climb Everest- but why not tackle one thing at a time?

start with weight- calorie counting and more exercise? Just cut out the carbs and eat sensibly- such as some wholewheat cereal for breakfast or fruit & yoghurt, or a boiled egg and 1 piece toast- lunch make yourself a big salad with cold meats, prawns, tuna etc, and dinner have some nice chicken or fish with loads of veggies and fruit or yoghurt for pudding.

Go to the hairdressers and get a new hairdo.

Go to a chiropodist about your feet.

Make a real effort with your hands so you have something to feel proud of- nice nails do matter!

Sounds like you have got to the point where you really want to do something - IME you have to get to that point and thenbe really determined.
I would start with the weight, as once that starts going down you feel so much better about everything else and feel like having haircuts and buying new clothes.
Low carb works really well, and after a few days the hunger pangs disappear. But you have to do it wholeheartedly. Try the India and Nerys book for inspiration? here

Ebay is the way to go! Do your nails and wear some lovely rings.
There are gorgeous clothes out there for all sizes. If you don't mind buying used clothes you can get fabulous bargains on ebay.

I am so tired all the time I find it hard to make an effort but have got some lovely things on ebay to cheer me up.

I pluck my eyebrows with tweezers.

I think if you make the best of yourself as you are now you will soon lose weight. But it is possible to be large and gorgeous!

A visit to the hairdressers would be a worthwhile investment.

Oh thank you everyone sooo much... you all sound so nice and non-judgemental! I do want to change and I do think that the weight is the first step!

Can I ask a really really dumb question - you say you can get your eyebrows waxed... really?? I know I sound like an idiot but I just don't have a clue about these things. If I did get them done, would I have to specify how I wanted them done because it just worries me as I haven't a clue! I'm scared to go to the manicurist too because again, I don't have a bloody clue - someone said "french manicure" and I don't know what the hell that is but I just want my nails to look nice - and practical of course.

Ebay is a great idea - I will have a search tonight. Also, another dumb question.... my mother bought me a day ticket for a spa - and I haven't used it because I'm presuming they are full of beautiful slim people right?? The package includes 3 "treatments" but I'm too embarrassed to expose too much of my body - any ideas what I should go for if I did summon the courage? I was wondering about a facial (?), a manicure and the other one has me stumped as I couldn't ask anyone to go near my feet!!!

Thoughts gratefully received..

Snack attack, ask the beautician to tidy up your eyebrows so the frame your eyes and look good with your specs, and as for your nails tell her just what you said here. HTH

Snackattack - you CAN change yourself - read the Nerys and India book which someone recommended - it's as much a book about self esteem as anything else.
I lost 3 stone with WeightWatchers 4 years ago, and I can honestly say it changed my life. I feel so much better about myself, and every aspect of life has gone so much better - career/home etc. You do have to love yourself first, it's true!! I found WW meetings a really good support mechanism.
But take it one step at a time.

The trouble with seeing weight as the main issue is you will not change your way of thinking until you lose weight. I would start with making an effort by doing the following:

Make sure you always have clean, shiny hair.

Make sure your nails are always looking good. Lucky you having lovely hands!

Make sure you always wear a bit of make up to brighten yourself up.

Spend as much time as you can grooming yourself. Just rubbing cream into your feet with half an eye on the telly counts.

Buy a really nice coat or long jacket and a pair of really nice boots for autumn/winter. Don't worry too much about what you are wearing underneath for now.

If you do all these you will begin to feel much better and as a matter of course address the other stuff.

You sound lovely.

You can look gorgeous straigt because losing weight will take some time if you do it sensibly. My best friend is a few sizes bigger than you and is the most groomed person I know. I would go for lovely colourful clothes. don't hide away in black and baggy. Makes you look bigger and self-conscious about your size.

Get a nice haircut
Get your eye brows
Get some lovely make-up to give yourself a tan and some colour in your cheeks.

Go and see a chiropedist about your feet. Trust me, they have seen worse feet than yours. They do old men feet all day long and your feet will probably be a nice change for them!

Most important beauty-advice : A BIG SMILE ON YOUR FACE

Agree with Swedes and FairyMum. similar situation as you.

It's easier to completely let go/ invest everything in the DCs than to make a bit of an effort esp if DH does not comment.

With me, it's almost like motherhood is an excuse to give up.

Reading the lovely posts on here has really touched me - I am so grateful. I thought I might get responses which said "pull yourself together, it's your own fault you are fat and ugly" and I'd have probably responded "yes, you are right!"... but you have all been so thoughtful and helpful and I do feel motivated to take on board the suggestions. I'm going to get started tomorrow. malfoy - and anyone else in the same boat - fancy joining me??

yes, me please, how shall we start?

Think I will promise to dry my hair and put makeup on every day - like I used to when I was a 'proper' person!

By the way, I have the same foot hatred issues as you, how do you feel about ordering some shoes/boots online?

yes! support/ encouragement would be good. what are you going to do first?

Will need to have a think for me. DH gave me a £100 gift voucher for the local salon. I am thinking eyebrows as a priority.

I promise to brush my hair every day. I won't stretch to make up until I have done a week of hair brushing.

Snackattack, the good news is that when you have quite a bit to lose it comes off quickly. Have you thought about going on lighter life or something?? Just to KICK start things? Expensive I know, but I'm sure you know about healthy eating. We all do, it's just DOING it !!

Half of it is in the mind. I made the decision to stop eating crap 4 wks ago, and I know it was only four weeks ago, so I can't say that I'll never lapse again, but it has been relatively easy as I@m in the mental zone!! I haven't even felt as though I were depriving myself!!

I am 39 btw. So I think there is a bit of arghghgh forty? I'll be with you in a minute, but not yet, hang on!!
I had a mole from my face removed recently. I have hated it for years, and all the times I went to the doctor with the children, I never once made an appointment to get my mole removed. I always thought about it but never did it for some reason. Don't really understand why!

I got my hair cut recently too, and because young girls all seem to have longer hair, I worried I would feel 'aged' but it has made me feel more confident definitely.

I'm trying not to buy any clothes at the moment until I have reached my target dress size.

I get my legs waxed and I am a beast. I hate it. I was saying to my leg waxer the other day that I would like to have a gin before it and would she mind.. She said could she have one with me. I said, hmm, not sure, after you've finished waxing me !

Good luck and keep us posted.

People on this board are great at finding clothes btw. I don't know how they do it. they must trawl the internet all day looking at clothes!

"People on this board are great at finding clothes btw. I don't know how they do it. they must trawl the internet all day looking at clothes!"

Yes!

try and drink loads of water (tedious to do, I know) but it will a) fill you up b) hydrate your skin, giving your face a fresher look. Exfoliate with a facial scrub a couple of times a week and Also slap on a mosturiser twice a day.

Go for the facial, it's lovely lying there with someone putting lovely potions on your face, you'll come out glowing. same goes for hands and feet, they'll make them look fab.

Also, if you don't know how to apply make up you could go somewhere like the body shop and ask if they would show you how to put a subtle look of make up on to suit your colouring.

I've recently lost 2 stone with Slimming World and can highly recommend it as easy to slip into everyday life and one that the whole family can tuck into as it's basically fresh, healthy foods. here's a sample of the sort of things you can eat

The likes of sainsburys do fairly cheap nice clothes, it might be worth going with a friend who could help you choose a few nice things to make you feel better. Sometimes we think things just look awful when infact they look really good. It's also worth sorting out what colours suit you better, some really do look fab whilst others wash you out.

could you fit in 20-30 mins a day or 3 times a week of a brisk walk? go with a mp3 player listen to some feel good tunes and breathe in some lovely fresh air.

Re the spa - I had a lovely treat (courtesy of a friend of mine who had won a competition) of 3 days at Champneys. And I can assure you that it is by no means full of beatiful slim people!

Go to the spa, treat yourself because you are worth it! And while you're there, make sure you have a manicure and a pedicure, then you've taken care of several things at the same time.

Good luck!

mrslurkalot and malfoy - today is a new day! I've had a shower, washed my hair and eaten a bowl of bran flakes with strawberries. Last night I gave my feet a mini pedicure (still look hideous but at least I've made an effort!) and I've walked dd's to school - a brisk 15 min walk there and back (I figure with collection time as well that's half an hour's exercise - I usually drive...)... and I have spent the last 20 mins trying to cover a hideous spot on my chin which looks hideous... my God, I still look like Nanny McPhee but I feel I've done something positive!! Just GOT to keep this up now!
I'm going to try and find some shoes and clothes on line - I've really got to get some new stuff.... just wish I had someone to bounce ideas off in RL but I'm too embarrassed. My idea of hell would be going into that mirror booth thingy with bloody Trinny & Susannah - it's the stuff of nightmares!!!

make an appointment with the chiropodist!

I have brushed my hair. Will try to sort out make up.

Re facial mole removal TheNaughtiestGirlKeepsaSecret how did you do it? I have one too. Was it on the NHS? at your GP? how did they do it? did it hurt? is there a scar?

Snackattack - we need to love ourselves and be kinder to our bodies too. Am I making sense? is thge India Knight book worthwhile?

Good start BTW!

do this diet IPD
it's not like dieting at all

go on, do it
now

really? I need some structure. My mother may have the book. If not will buy online.

How would the IPD diet work for a non meat eater?

And I like a drink or two