I'm fat, frumpy and 40 and I'm very fed up...please help

[snackattack]

I'm a mess. I used to be fit, healthy and and looked pretty good I think. Well, it's all gone horribly wrong. I'm not making excuses, but I did have 2 years being bedridden with ME and then when I recovered I had two children in quick succession. This coincided with a bout of PND... so all in all, I let myself go - COMPLETELY. I lost all self esteem and concentrated all my energies on to the children. They wear all the latest trends, have regular hair cuts, eat healthy food and I adore them. On the other hand, I clearly hate myself. I don't eat healthily and obviously I have eaten tooo much and haven't taken enough exercise so I'm very overweight - at least a size 20. I have long blond highlighted hair (my one concession) but I think it's too young for my age now and I don't have the nerve to cut it. I do it myself (!). I don't EVER buy new clothes - my clothes and shoes are literally ancient and outdated - I wear stretchy trousers, baggy shirts and sandals or trainers all the time. I wear glasses which I detest (very old) but they are so expensive I just can't change them. I wear a tiny bit of make up (just so I can pass a mirror) and I do shower and wash my hair every day so I'm not a complete slut. However, I just know that whatever I wear, or whatever I do to myself I will just look as crap as usual so I can't justify buying anything or spending money on myself. I was thinking about what I actually do for myself and really it's nothing. I think my hands are quite nice but who gives a toss about nice hands when the rest of me is so crap so I don't bother although I suppose I'd like a manicure. I have the worst feet in the world - hideous in-growing toenail and they just look awful so I can't face going into a shoe shop - I'm desperate for some new shoes but nothing looks good on me and nothing is comfortable. I'd love to wear something more trendy but I think people would laugh at me as I'd just make it look rubbish. I really don't know WHAT to wear (or where to buy it!!)... my kids go to a private school - and all the mums look gorgeous but I look like a fat frump.
Sorry for the rant, but I just don't know where to begin - I'm sick of being like this. My dh is supportive in as much as he never comments on my appearance - but the one time I did try and dress up to go out for dinner, he didn't comment then either so I guess he thought I looked as rubbish as usual. I have no ideas about style, make up, etc - my eyebrows.....eekk....they are a disgrace - I so I decided to SHAVE THEM a bit (OH MY GOD, I know this is wrong but I just didn't have a clue about plucking)... and now they are all stubbly and looking even worse. I am in a real state and I need HELP.... where on earth do I start?? And is it worth it?? Thanks for reading this far.

have you guys seen this thread ? I think it is brilliant. Maybe you should start thread describing your body shape, colouring etc (you don't have to put bra and pants shot on!) and see what folk can suggest

most inspirational on that thread was a link on there to someone's friend who puts her photos up on flickr - I have no idea what size she is (not skinny) and she looks so much better and more glamourous and more confident and more like someone I would see in that street and think "WOW" than most thinner people I know

good luck ladies

Good luch snackattack it sounds like you're in just the right place to get started I'm sure you'll do well.
Weight watchers is good for losing weight too, I have seen some amazing results and they also encourage you to exercise, build up your own plan to fit in with what you do. Also they are very non judgemental, everyone is there to lose weight so the support is invaluable.
Re the exercise try to just do a bit everyday, it does help weight loss but more usefully it gives you a bit of a boost and makes you feel much better.
Since the summer I have made more of a effort to be a bit more active a walk more often and it really has helped me feel better about myself. Walking round the block once a day is a small task but a huge achievement if you don't get out a lot, a measurable and realsiable aim which you can build on. And its free!!

lillibet if you like cheese and eggs and tofu can wait 10 weeks til you have a legume it would work just fine.

you can have vodka after 2 weeks hardcore dieting.
and as you loose more you can work in wine

thanks suzy, on that it's not the diet for me!

Hair dried and makeup on! I am going to take DD for a walk every day when DS is in preschool. Have had 2 of my 5 a day and no junk. I need a capsule wardrobe (is that possible) of clothes to make me feel better until I have lost weight. What do I need? I am a SAHM so mainly casual stuff but not slobby. I am a size 20/22 (ashamed) but I do have a waist, boobs and hips and find it difficult as most clothes for bigger people are shapeless and that makes me look even bigger and more frumpy.

Great idea about drinking water, some days I don't drink anything.

Can you wear contact lenses ?

www.visiondirect.co.uk - I wear the monthly lenses (cost only £4 per month)

Like you I am a size 18/20 and have very recently started to dress much more smartly. Duo boots (online)that fit my calves, with opaque tights, knee length skirt, v-neck jumper and three quarter sleeves (accentuates cleavage, shows off thin bit of arms - the wrist)

I also have straggly long highlighted blonde hair - have a bit cut off at a time, take a magazine photo, sloooooowly do this.

Wear a big cocktail wring on the right hand - cheap ones off QVC - make it large and statement like - remember to wear it. Small things make you feel like you've made an effort.

Spas are full of fatties - pretend to be confident even when you're not - I walked into a salon I'd never been in before the other day and had all my pubes waxed off (apart from a small triangle) for the first time. I had never taken my knickers off for bikini waxing before (just had the edges done)but because I'd never met her before I whipped my knickers off and she could really get in there. yes, I was embarassed inside at getting my fanjo out but I pretended I was fine and it became fine.

I swear by Laura Geller (off QVC) balancing powder - it's powder that you can swoosh all over in a minute and it makes you look a little healthier and more 'dressed' - followed up by a touch of blusher and (maybe) a slick of mascara - ready for the day.

One thing at a time. You don't need to change everything - don't shave your eyebrows again - have them threaded or waxed - ask for a natural look - very cheap this usually (about £8 in the south-east) then you can maintain it by just tweezing the ones that come in once a week.

lots of luck and consider this you nurturing yourself - you deserve it.

forgot to address the negative feelings you are displaying towards yourself - you are not 'very overweight' and even if that were rationally true it is unhelpful to hold onto that thought - maybe think of it as "I'm only two sizes above the average, so I'm only as far away from the average as a size 12 person is".

yes, there's a lot of self hatred in your fisrt post - hopefully by you nurturing and appreciating yourself more that will become the cycle rather than a negative one.

Thanks Ruby, I had thought of getting a couple of pairs of dark jeans. I find tunics make me look bigger though as they hide my 'waist', what else could I wear that doesn't make me look 10 years older than I am?
I just want to stop feeling frumpy but I think the only way I am going to do that is shed some weight.

all sound like great ideas ruby, think DD and I might go shopping together while DS is in preschool tomorrow (he has lunch club - hurrah!) AFTER we have been for a walk of course - unless walking around the shops counts as exercise? (hopeful)

DON'T cut your hair. Your long hair is an asset. Short hair rarely looks good on overweight people.

Ditch the trainers and wear something with a bit of a heel. Not expecting high heels here, but these days there are lots of platform heeled shoes in shops. They give you height (so you look slimmer) and are as easy to walk with as trainers.

And please please NEVER shave your eyebrows! If you don't do anything else, get your eyebrows shaped by a professional. You can then try to keep that shape for a while by plucking around it and then go back for another appointment 2 months down the line.

Last but most importantly, you need to lose weight. This is not about your DH, but it's about your self-esteem. Stop carbohydrates (rice, pasta, bread, etc) immediately. Eat combinations of meat, vegetables, salad and fish. Once or twice a week, eat a bowl of pasta with tomato sauce (no cheese - don't mix carbohydrates with protein) so that your body doesn't forget them and you don't gain weight fast once you start eating them.

Good luck!

What fantastic ideas from everyone on here! I'm off to the shops tomorrow and I'm sorting my eye brows out NEXT!
I'm going to try and eat sensibly - starting now.

Thank you everyone. Keep the ideas coming - this is real inspiration.

Malfoy, I got my gp to refer me to a plastic surgeon (that I knew about from a spot of googling!) as my Mole was 4mm wide and very raised and on my face! Euw. It took about five months after the gp's referal, felt like ages because I was so dying for the apt!

The doc injected it with local anaesthetic which did hurt more than I expected it to tbh. But didn't feel a hting when he 'shaved' it off. There is a 2% chance it will grow back apparently. So I'm praying I'm in the 98%!! I have to go back soon so he can see how it's healing. He prides himself on his lack of scarring so I feel I'm in good hands. I saw this guys name mentioned on a chat room forum and somebody said he did 'lovely' work, so I felt that I researched it a little and got the best guy in my area to do the job.

I have no worries about scarring. It may be visible, but I'll feel less self-conscious about a small scar than a big wobbly fleshy mole that seemed to become more corpulent with ever passing pregnancy!

Do it! I can't understand why I didn't do it when I was 20.

PS snackattack, when I'm hungry these days and can't face being hungry (I've always hated being hungry!) I have a bowl of porridge with soya milk (unsweetened). It is only about 180 calories, high in fibre, protein, calcium, virtually fat free and it will leave you feeling full.

Many times I would have fallen off the diet wagon if it hadn't been for porridge. I buy the sachets so I know exactly how much I'm getting.

Am reading this but haven't got to the end yet. I've got to hte bit about eyebrow waxing and wanted to warn you - if you have sensitive skin it can give you a rash - it did me. Thank god I'd had a trial run before my wedding.

I'm a great believer in buyiong one complete new outfit, with bag and anything else yo ufancy. I hardly ever get to do it, but I love it if I do. Feel fab from head to toe.

Oh. I know some people have said wait to buy clothes until you lose weight. I think not. There ae some FAB things in Matalan ATM for example. Cheap as chips - and I'm skint!

For clothes, as back up to the coat suggestions, buy yourself a few light jackets that are nicely tailored. If you have a waist, you can get ones that button/belt around the waist, emphasising your shape but hiding the lumps and bumps. And the nice thing is that you can wear them inside and outside. M&S often has good ones at very reasonable prices, in larger sizes but I'm sure lots of other high street stores do as well.

And definitely get your eye brows done professionally as soon as possible. It makes such a difference when you look in the mirror and feel good about yourself.

Snackattack, I think you sound lovely and like you're ready to change yourself. One thing I've learnt from previous weight loss experiences (I'm starting again now having gained a lot of weight after being sick a few years ago) and from stopping smoking a four years ago is that these things don't happen until you're ready to really change. But once you are... the sky's the limit.

Good luck!

Snackattack- buy a nice notebook, and make that your " new me" project book, keep a record of what you are eating everyday, what daily action you are taking, and if you've got old magazines or can get hold of some, cut out pictures of fab clothes or accessories, or anything that inspires you. September is a fantastic time of year to start a new you project, and by Christmas time you will be looking truly fabul. The key to success here as others have mentioned is doing things everyday, small steps make large changes in the long term. Be realistic when you think about your eating plan as you want to make a change in eating habits you can maintain lifelong to keep the weight off and energy levels up and it will have a knock on effect on your skin etc and before you know it people who know you will walk past cos they dont recognise you! Its not about good luck so I wont say that to you but what I will say is that you will succeed if you are honestly doing it because you really really want to, after all, its easy to stay fat and frumpy, comfortable even to some extent, the harder thing is to force yourself out of your stuck zone, and keep up the actions for the months ahead to be the new you , who is really the real you buried beneath all that body clutter. Hope that makes sense and powers you onwards.

Hi Snackattack, how are you doing?

Hi malfoy - not too bad! I have, however, completely failed to buy any new clothes or shoes. I made a trip to town yesterday and just couldn't find anything which I felt comfortable in. I have a feeling I'm so stuck in my ways that I'm almost afraid to look different in case people think "mutton dressed as lamb"!! I'm making a big effort on the food front though - plenty of healthy salad and fruit in the last couple of days. I do feel better really (in my mind) - and so glad that I got out all my feelings on here so I can hopefully move forward.
So, how are you getting on??