Help me with my wardrobe please

[thenewaveragebear1983]

Inspired by the current thread what makes you buy something, it’s prompted me to realise that actually what makes me buy things is almost a sort of chasing of a ‘look’ or aesthetic that I think harks back to my quite unhappy teen years, where I felt like I was desperately uncool, desperate to fit in, fairly chubby and with old fashioned parents who had zero concept of fashion. Mum never helped me to look nice or carve out my own ‘style’. I’ve never been excessively groomed and our clothing was always functional hand me downs. I’ve always bought things that I’ve seen on other people that look amazing, then put them on and felt like a sack of potatoes in it.

now as an adult, I quite literally don’t know how to dress myself. My wardrobe is a mishmash of items, some go together, I have a few ‘outfits’ but honestly? I don’t know how to look, I don’t know what to wear, I have so many things that I like in principle but when I actually wear them I feel overdressed or just really awkward. I don’t own any accessories (jewellery, belts, hats, bags eg ). I like dresses and own a few nice ones. I think I’ve been conditioned to believe that my style issues boil down to needing to lose weight, but I am this size now and I need to sort myself out.

I am size 10 top, maybe even an 8 in some styles as I am very flat chested, and a 12 bottoms, however I find trousers especially difficult as I have a narrower waist and huge thighs from running. I have nice calves and slim ankles. I think my figure is out of proportion and I steer clear of anything that “shows” the parts of me I don’t like. As a result I tend to opt for baggy jumpers and shapeless things. I bought new jeans last week but every time I’ve put them on I have ended up changing before leaving the house. I have zero confidence in my appearance now.

I’d like to ‘shop my wardrobe’ and ideally create a capsule wardrobe for spring/summer and another for autumn/winter. Get rid of all the tatty rubbish and the things I will never ever wear. I am
open to buying new items but in all
honesty I don’t think at the moment I need to, I need to clear out and identify what I am keeping.

so here’s my ask- would anyone like to help me? I’d appreciate gentle honesty about my clothes, and maybe some guidance of how I can pull outfits together or tweak them so they suit me better. I don’t really know where to start actually but I guess that would evolve. I don’t think this will be a quick process but if anyone who enjoys this kind of thing would like to hop on board the thread and give me feedback I would be very grateful 🙏

First question: do you spend much time in art galleries - specifically looking at portraits?

Second question: are you friends with a good alterations service? It sounds as if probably not. You might make this a priority.

Thirdly: can you show us some of the dresses you own and like and are closest to feeling happy in? (Photos of garment or links if available.)

Didn’t want read and run as you’re the same shape as me. Best advice I can give is find a really good alterations service. I buy trousers a size up to fit my hips and thighs and get them taken in at the waist. High waist wide leg styles suit me best. Maybe try some on of that style and see what they look like if you hold in at the waist.

It sounds to me like you're already well on the way, as you are reflecting and committing to reducing to something authentic manageable, rather than trying to update your look.

I'd encourage you to keep going and try to think not just about your body dimensions and shape but also what feels like 'you'.

E.g I am mostly an hourglass shape and have experimented with ultra feminine shapes in the past, I also am drawn to patterns etc

But when I look at what I actually wear and I think suits me (me as a person, not my body shape/measurements alone), I tend to quite boyish styles and look best in block colours or at best a very small print or texture.

Knowing this stops me buying other things that I think are pretty.

Some people on the internet talk about Kibble and colours etc which I have never found to be the answer for me but there is definitely value in trying to find your style essence as a whole person.

And then once you know this, move onto the practicalities of your life and narrow further (e.g I accept that I wear trainers almost all the time and that I can never wear really wide hems on my trousers because I walk everywhere and it rains so often).

I think Kibbe is super helpful. it’s really cut out the ‘noise’ for me and I don’t look at things I know simply won’t work for me. I know it’s not for everyone but I would recommend taking a look. Similarly, having a vague idea of your colours is very useful.

I love the idea of a capsule wardrobe, but I have what I call a capsule wardrobe mindset. Nearly everything in my wardrobe ‘goes’ together in some way. This makes me feel like I’ve got lots of options and I’m not restricted to certain outfits.

The other thing that’s helped me a lot is choosing a handful of footwear styles and sticking to them. They can change with fashion of course, but if you know your basic choices it makes everything else easier. I’m also a pear, but I don’t have nice calves and ankles so it was always a struggle for me in the past. Here again Kibbe has helped.

Also to add that it might help if your aim is not to look 'stylish' (especially if you don't feel stylish right now), but to feel comfortable, authentic and like you know what to wear without feeling inadequate.

Thanks all for your comments so far. I’ll try to answer a few of your questions

i’ve never considered alterations, I suppose it’s because I’ve never liked anything enough to have it altered. It’s an interesting thought that I will ponder though, if it means I could end up with a couple of items that fit perfectly.

I only know the colours that suit me because if I wear certain things, the life is immediately sucked out of my face. Plain white is a no, as is yellow, anything red or royal blue. I like navy. I like the idea of neutrals but I’m very wary of looking naked. I suit silver jewellery not gold but I rarely wear it, I only own one necklace. I wear a Garmin watch and my wedding ring.

the look I tend to covet is the sort of summery fat face/surf brands type aesthetic- I like khaki shorts with an open shirt, I like bold stripes with khaki, or dusky pinks. I actually own these items in many variances but I don’t like them on. I like big loose knit slouchy jumpers but when I wear them I look like my dad wearing his gardening jumper. I like vests but I’m starting to dislike my arms as I have gained some weight. I would happily wear shorts from March to November, except I cannot find a single pair that aren’t not either gaping at the waist or completely tight like cycling shorts (because of my runners thighs!)

i love the idea of a capsule wardrobe. That’s what I’m aspiring to I think. I tried last night to think of 50 items and I got to 21, so I am going to think more about that and play around with it.

i will take some photos and post them over the weekend. I’m really grateful for all your inputs, thank you 🌺

Can you post some Pinterest photos of outfits you like? It will give us a good idea of what you like.

Okay, I’ve never used Pinterest before so not sure how to navigate it properly, but I just went on and found a couple of things I like. On the montage picture not everything is what I necessarily like but it’s the right “vibe”

This is an outfit I wore to my friends 40th last week. I had another dress earmarked but I bottled out of wearing it

I should also add: I’m 41 nearly 42, and I work from home so don’t need office/formal

One of the items I have worn most this year is these grey ‘cord’/ ribbed joggers from Hush

I would never describe myself as stylish, and my wardrobe is more eclectic than capsule. I'm definitely a Dopamine Dresser - I go for colours and textures that make me feel happy, before I even look at the shape.

This stood out to me: I find trousers especially difficult as I have a narrower waist and huge thighs from running. I have nice calves and slim ankles. I think my figure is out of proportion and I steer clear of anything that “shows” the parts of me I don’t like. As a result I tend to opt for baggy jumpers and shapeless things. *
*
You have worked on your body and your self-esteem. Now it's time to work on your self-love. Come to terms with your shape and learn to love the skin you're in. Huge thighs and out of proportion, or curves that give you voluptuousness? Plus the fact that you're a runner with a good core and glutes. All these assets can give you the confident posture to carry off any outfit.

Of course hiding your assets under baggy clothes is going to displease you. You know that there's a beautiful figure underneath them, even if you don't believe it - yet.

So, what styles flatter curvy hips? Dresses that are cut close on top and flared out from the waist, especially in swishy fabrics such as viscose, or slightly stretchy knits such as ponte jersey. Avoid loose on top and loose below (as you've discovered, you lose all definition) so a loose blouse tucked into close-fitting trousers will create balance between top and bottom halves.

Try to ignore what you think looks bad about an outfit. It is incredibly difficult to get past one's own, deep-seated prejudices about oneself. So book a stylist appointment semester like John Lewis, or go shopping with a friend. Allow yourself to wear clothes you think don't work, perhaps because they showcase the parts of your body you are used to hiding. Help yourself to wear them by buying them in colours that really please you. From your description, it sounds like warm, rich colours wild suit you, so choose plain, close-fitting trousers in 'universal' colours (buff/charcoal/black/navy) and then pretty much any colour or pattern blouses will go with them.

Many trousers are very easy to take in at the waist. I'll do a separate post about them. YouTube has loads of demos and tutorials for this.

@Aparecium thank you, yes you are right about the self love and I do try but it’s a lifelong thing and it’s not always that easy to actually do. I don’t have any friends who I could go shopping with and who would advise me unfortunately. But I really do try with the self love. I have had a really difficult few years as well which doesn’t help does it, with ill health and generally not feeling myself. then at Christmas I had Bell’s palsy and my whole face changed (it’s a lot better but it’s still wonky and it’s probably permanent now) and to be honest that just finished me off. I felt so incredibly low and basically ugly. Thankfully I am a lot better now but it’s been a really tough couple of years.

I recommend The Curated Closet by Anuschka Rees if you can pick up a cheap serving hand copy. It made me really think about what I wanted to wear.

And I know this won't be everyone's cup of tea, but as someone with no chest and bigger hips, I always wear an underwired, formed t shirt bra. It really helps my shape.

These are the jeans I bought last week, I bought them because I actually genuinely liked them and I thought they made me look slim, then when I put them on (we were on holiday) I just hated them

This is the last one I’m going to spam you with today! These shorts I bought on vinted, I have had to size up to a 14 to get the thighs to not be tight, so the waist is huge so I think it makes me look bigger than I am-
action shot of the cat in the 2nd picture 🤣

Love the first outfit on you. You have a great shape - so toned and athletic looking. I actually like the jeans on you, how they’re fitted and accentuate your small waist, but maybe a wide, full length leg instead so they flow more and balance you out?

Ok let me start off in my usual manner by saying that “ flattering” is not a style. I’m sure people are bored of my saying that. If you only aim for flattering ( and the whole “colour” theory) you won’t end up with a cohesive wardrobe that mixes and matches and makes you feel fabulous you will end up looking mid. Your body is not a problem that needs to be corrected. Of course you don’t want to look “ worse” in your own mind but flattering is not the primary consideration when you’re choosing items for your wardrobe. I think you need to spend some time thinking about the elements of those pictures that you like and how you might describe them ( it’s a fairly clean aesthetic to me, quite simple). Style words help form a framework for your purchases. Allison Borstein has a lot of good content online about finding your style words but Curated Closest is really good as mentioned by a PP. So when you shop you can think does this fit my aesthetic. I have an aesthetic which is modern, minimal but a bit “chill”. ( but if I were to say I want an outfit and I’m an hourglass shape someone will say wear a wrap dress or a 50’s style dress which is not me at all)

I think there are a lot of modern shapes around at the moment that would accommodate your shape. I don’t think you have to size up in everything to manage that you just seems to be drawn to a more fitted leg. ( nothing wrong with that at all but maybe a pleated shape would avoid that) Certainly there are plenty of more flared shape shorts around. So not saying you should ignore your shape and how clothes make you feel but don’t use it as the basis of your style decisions.

Okay, fellow pear shape here, though I'm not the same size as you.
Love the skirt outfit, you look great.

The cords outfit looks good because of where the t-shirt ends- it's drawing the eye to that point in your waist. If that's the image that you want (it's the image that I go for, which would normally be known as 'flattering', but that's one of those buzzwords you get a kicking for nowadays 😂), then you need to be finishing tops there, or adding a belt. I personally like a wide leg trousers with a racer back top, and I prefer a patterned bottom- it seems to highlight my waist.

I'm not a fan of the barrel jeans personally. To me, they draw attention to your thighs, which is what you said you don't like. Not that they look bad, but that's not my type of look.

Have you tried any hourglass/ curve love style bottoms?

Please, please don't take my tone as hectoring or judgey. I tried not to sound like that, but tone does not come across well in text. I absolutely get you. I've been on the same journey. (And continue on it as my body ages.) I have a health condition that drastically changed my face, so I truly understand how you feel about your Bells Palsy. You'll get there.

Sending (((hugs)))

these jeans have been good for my thighs

these type of shorts are great

this top is quite nice for adding a bit of balance with some belted trousers

@Apareciumi genuinely didn’t think that at all, I’m really grateful for your advice and to be honest I know I need to be kinder to myself because I hear myself sometimes and think ‘ouch’ 🌺 the BP really Knocked me because I was already really low and then basically overnight my face was destroyed and, to be honest and this is an awful thing to say, but I was a bit Ffs all my life I’ve been average and I’ve come to terms with it, but now I’m properly ugly and I don’t think I have the strength of character to cope with it. Which I know is horrible and vain but that’s how I felt. Anyhoo. I’m a little better now after 6 months and well meaning folks like to tell me that I am ‘almost back to normal’ 🤦‍♀️

I am really genuinely grateful to everyone taking the time to comment here, thank you

@Divebar2021you see, a wrap dress would look great on me, a midi maybe. 🤔

@anon2022anoni think the barrel jeans are just too tight all over aren’t they?

my other gripe is that since HRT and generally putting some weight on, I have a belly that I never had before. Anything high waisted just emphasises that, and the pleated trousers that are around at the moment emphasise them even more. A lot of my jeans are high waisted mom type style and this year they are just too round at my tummy.

@anon2022anoni like the jeans, and I love the shorts. I actually have a couple of pairs like that, they aren’t smart looking like those but they are khaki and linen type fabric from Uniqlo. I will pull them out of the loft tomorrow 👍