Help me with my wardrobe please

[thenewaveragebear1983]

Inspired by the current thread what makes you buy something, it’s prompted me to realise that actually what makes me buy things is almost a sort of chasing of a ‘look’ or aesthetic that I think harks back to my quite unhappy teen years, where I felt like I was desperately uncool, desperate to fit in, fairly chubby and with old fashioned parents who had zero concept of fashion. Mum never helped me to look nice or carve out my own ‘style’. I’ve never been excessively groomed and our clothing was always functional hand me downs. I’ve always bought things that I’ve seen on other people that look amazing, then put them on and felt like a sack of potatoes in it.

now as an adult, I quite literally don’t know how to dress myself. My wardrobe is a mishmash of items, some go together, I have a few ‘outfits’ but honestly? I don’t know how to look, I don’t know what to wear, I have so many things that I like in principle but when I actually wear them I feel overdressed or just really awkward. I don’t own any accessories (jewellery, belts, hats, bags eg ). I like dresses and own a few nice ones. I think I’ve been conditioned to believe that my style issues boil down to needing to lose weight, but I am this size now and I need to sort myself out.

I am size 10 top, maybe even an 8 in some styles as I am very flat chested, and a 12 bottoms, however I find trousers especially difficult as I have a narrower waist and huge thighs from running. I have nice calves and slim ankles. I think my figure is out of proportion and I steer clear of anything that “shows” the parts of me I don’t like. As a result I tend to opt for baggy jumpers and shapeless things. I bought new jeans last week but every time I’ve put them on I have ended up changing before leaving the house. I have zero confidence in my appearance now.

I’d like to ‘shop my wardrobe’ and ideally create a capsule wardrobe for spring/summer and another for autumn/winter. Get rid of all the tatty rubbish and the things I will never ever wear. I am
open to buying new items but in all
honesty I don’t think at the moment I need to, I need to clear out and identify what I am keeping.

so here’s my ask- would anyone like to help me? I’d appreciate gentle honesty about my clothes, and maybe some guidance of how I can pull outfits together or tweak them so they suit me better. I don’t really know where to start actually but I guess that would evolve. I don’t think this will be a quick process but if anyone who enjoys this kind of thing would like to hop on board the thread and give me feedback I would be very grateful 🙏

I also have a tummy, but find I need the high waist to pull me in 😂
I loved mom style jeans a couple of years ago, but the couple of times I've worn them this year, I've just felt- weirdly- out on display. Like I'm saying here's my hips, look at them! I think I was just that happy to find a style that fitted me finally that I ran with it.

Okay, so from your picture ideas, you like a neutral, minimal colour palette, but with maybe the odd graphic print thrown in for interest. Throw us a scenario that you don't know what to wear for, and let's find you an outfit idea or two.

And I think the barrel jeans are maybe a bit too short, and a bit too tight- if you're going to do barrel jeans, I think you need a size up, so that you have the loose look on the top too, and the longer length so they finish at the top of the ankle.
More this kind of look, to accentuate your waist, rather than your hip (random Google pic)

@anon2022anon I love the jeans in that pic, and the shape of that T-shirt (but not a huge fan of the colours on the shirt) I wonder where those jeans are from?

really I just want clothes to wear during the day. I tend to get up, run, walk the dog, then get dressed. I work from home, one day I go into very casual office. I do afternoon school pick up, finish work, kids football. Weekends we do similar, we’re fully in the throes of 40’s life with young kids. No one seems to dress up anymore anyway do they?

what tends to happen is I walk the dog then I just log on quickly and 6 hours later I go to school in my dog walking clothes and that’s pretty much what I wear these days. I’d love a nice wardrobe of things I can wear all day but I also feel good in.

I just had a quick ‘does it spark joy’ session upstairs and have tried on about 60 items of clothing and have made a vinted pile. I am game for buying the right jeans and other bits if needs be. I also think I need some jewellery, a belt maybe? I have none of these except for one really tatty tan belt that I used to wear round a dress 🤦‍♀️

YES you need a belt! They are the most utilised item in my wardrobe. I like h&M premium leather belts, they're only about £20, but they may be too polished for you.
Are most of your clothes khaki and neutrals? A brown leather or braided one might work with lots of your clothes.

Only get rid of the stuff at the minute if it doesn't fit, or it's tatty. Move the other stuff to a maybe pile- a top might not spark joy now, but with the right bottoms it might be great.

I'm going to link a couple of things I've bought recently/ added to my wish list that might or night not work for you

I'm 45 and just had my second "personal stylist" appointment at John Lewis (2 days ago). I'm a similar shape to you. My previous appt was 5 years ago and I ended up buying quite a few clothes that I ended up wearing a lot.

This one was a different store, different stylist, and at first I thought I wasn't going to like her choices but she really listened to what I was looking for and found me lots of pieces that I liked AND I liked ON ME! Lots of things I would never have picked up to try on as I wouldn't have expected them to look good on me.

In the end, I bought a dress, two pairs of trousers, a pair of sandals, a jumpsuit, a pair of denim shorts, several tops and a well-fitting bra! I know some people on here have done this and being disappointed - obviously some stylists will be better than others, but I've had two good experiences now. There is no obligation to buy anything. Worth a try? So much less draining IMO than trying to shop by myself.

That's so weird that JL has become a clicky link! I didn't do that! Makes me look like some PR person - I promise I'm not.

I sized up one size in these

I got this in the denim, but the stone might work for you size down one.

Might be too high waist for you, I sized up twice

these shorts have enough room in the thighs and are very easy casual wear (search pull on shorts for more colours and prints)

A good

A good basic- fitted enough to wear under an open shirt

A couple of simple things I find helpful in feeling put together (being a bit fashion challenged and on HRT) is wearing one or maximum of two colours at any one go. The sets that are around at the moment are good for that. See what colour suits you by looking to see what makes your skin look bright and healthy. Or stick to navy or camel or a classic neutral to start with. I'm loving brown at the moment but that may not suit you.

And as mentioned accessories like jewellery. Start off classic (like all gold or all silver in simple styles. Eg a thickish gold chain like Tilly Sveas and bracelet. Maybe diamond studs or gold hoops) Not fancy costume (yet). Once you find your style mojo you could start being a bit adventurous.

I also think a good bra is really essential.

@anon2022anon love the culottes on the model but I already have a couple of pairs of different ones, I probably can’t justify them.
the jacket is a great shout, I actually don’t have one like a light summer layer. I do have a denim jacket but it’s cropped and too big and just looks wrong.
I have also found 2 black vests that I forgot I had, and some loose fitting shorts, patterned like your link- I don’t think I’d wear them in the uk but I’d definitely wear them on holiday.

I have a colleague who has a figure like you, she is also a runner. She often wears a vest top of the kind linked above tucked into trousers or a skirt. That draws the eye to her tiny waist.
she tends to wear more volume in her trousers or skirt to give space for thighs and give balance.
She wears a cropped jacket or cardi as a layer.
She always looks great.
My favourite outfit is a smart wide legged jumpsuit with a wide leather belt.

Im sure it would. It would objectively look good on me too but it wouldn’t necessarily feel like ME. For my brothers wedding a couple of years ago I wore a red velvet dress with a faux wrap. It was objectively flattering and perfect for a winter wedding but I couldn’t make it feel like me. I like a little bit of edge or androgyny and it wasn’t that. Had it had a slash neck it probably would have changed how I felt. If someone is putting on clothes but changing because it feels too much suggests they’re either hiding and dont want to be seen or theyre not wearing clothes that are authentic to their style.

I do have a nice wrap dress that’s a bit swirly and very long and I’ve probably worn it once in the 4 years I’ve had it 🤷‍♀️

I was going to suggest H&M jeans. I’m quite tall with a prop forward’s thighs, I do so quite a lot of exercise though. Their jeans fit me best.

OP I was also going to suggest a long trench coat? For the days when the weather isn’t glorious (!) and just to add an extra layer so you might not feel as exposed? Again H&M do good long ones - I’m 5’8” and mine comes to mid calf.

These are the shorts in plain colours if they work better for you ☺️

It really does sound like you have a lot of good stuff there, but you're struggling to put it together. I know that feeling- I've really made an effort this year to have clothes in my wardrobe that I want to wear, that I feel nice in, that fit me semi well. Part of the trick to feeling better is to actually get dressed in the morning- it's okay thinking I'll get dressed after the school run, but too often, like you, I don't, and then I just feel meh. We have nice clothes in our wardrobes, let's wear them!

Thanks @StasisMom, a trench coat sounds amazing. My birthday is next month so that could be a nice thing to look for from dh as a treat.

When I was about 17 I had a (fake) leather cherry red midi length trench coat, I bloody loved that coat and I wore it to it literally fell to pieces.

I have considered the JL personal style appointments but they are so hit and miss, and get very mixed reviews on here. Our nearest JL is 2 towns away as well

@anon2022anondefinitely. I do have nice things, and sometimes when I look at people who look great, their clothes are so simple. I think the big thing is quality, I definitely think that makes a difference, and confidence which I have been very lacking in but You’ve all inspired and motivated me so much today, thank you all.

tomorrow we have my sons football presentation so I definitely am going to channel some of your style vibes

Nothing groundbreaking here, but if you have Instagram, this lady describes herself as pear shaped, and here's a few outfits from her
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DJ1_Z7hshZ0/?igsh=eXJiampybzNmaWFy

To be honest, although obviously quality is better, I think what's important is knowing what shapes you like on, and having a base outfit you feel comfortable in. A lot of those pins you had earlier were probably not the best shape wise, and I know you said you liked a surfer chick vibe, a lot of those images tend to be very straight up and down models - it never does me any good looking at what I wish I could be!

A football presentation is a great place to start- you can be a little bit smarter without having to be dressed up.

https://tuclothing.sainsburys.co.uk/product/tuc145596124

Definitely worth a try for the price ☺️

Hi - big sympathies on the Bell’s palsy. My mother had it and was still improving even years afterwards…her doc recommended an electrical impulse machine -just wondered if yours had? Also loving your cat!!

On the clothes front, I don’t really don’t follow influencers and rarely go on instagram etc but I do get the monthly emails from Kate Hiscox. I’ve copied a random posting below -not saying any of these things might be your thing but in general her taste is I think very wearable when she does everyday stuff? A decent mix of not zany prints or prices, but a range of high street and other labels. And she’s not stick thin either. Her website might be worth having a snoop around and she also has some discount codes quite often. https://www.wearsmymoney.com/fashion/7-outfits-i-would-like-to-wear-in-may/7 Outfits I Would Like To Wear In May - WearsMyMoney

@friskybivalvesthank you. I have been having acupuncture for my BP which does seem to be helping lift it a little, I have never heard of using electrical impulse. Like a TENS machine?

Yes - opinion is divided as some believe it can make things worse. Although this paper debunks that as evidence from very small sample sizes. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14737175.2023.2295426Full article: Does electrical stimulation still have a place in the treatment armamentarium for Bell’s palsy?

It might be worth asking your doctor - or asking for a neurology referral? My mother regrets not fighting harder and earlier for her referral.