Help me stop looking like a mum

[SanctusInDistress]

I look like a mum, like a frumpy mum. I’m petite (under 5 feet) and a size 10, and I hate wearing heels. The only times I don’t feel like a mum is when I wear jeans, but I’m sick of always jeans. I like wearing skirts and dresses but I always end up looking like a white stuff catalogue (nothing wrong with white stuff, I love their stuff) but that’s the whole point, I want to look less mumsy and more ‘me’.

where do you shop? I hate synthetic materials, so it has to be stylish and not made of plastic. I love for example poetry and cos, but yiu need to be 6 feet and have the legs of a giraffe to carry off their looks.

I was imagining that you were very young complaining about looking like a mum!

But at 50 a lot of women and men will be parents.

Wear whatever you like and are comfy in
New hairstyle?

I agree with you @ffsgloria. I do have a couple of patterned shirts, but generally I try to avoid patterns and florals now. Spots as well, to be honest. I have to be careful not to fall into the "cutesy" trap - it was fine in my 20s but I think it would give a different vibe now, 20 years on.

My life is about making my childs and husband comfortable

This attitude will be far more ageing than anything you wear, or don't wear.

The only mum at the school gates who doesn't look like a standard mum is a woman who fully embraces the 90s things she has worn since the 90s. She rocks the skater vibe and is all vans, lots of bracelets, earrings, kangol hat. She looks amazing. If I dressed like that I would look stupid though.

@SanctusInDistress

I want to look less mumsy and more ‘me'
But what do mean by more 'me'?
What would you like to look like?

I don't know what "looks like a mum means". I love this shop. The owners are both mothers, Jane is also a grandmother. I'm a mother.

Frontiers

I think this is a really good tip. I like patterns and florals but they are usually huge patterns and look rubbish on me. All those maxi dresses and skirts I love but they are like tents on me. I think block colours are an interesting idea, thank you.

Thank you, good tips here too.

The one thing that’s good about me is my hair. I have shoulder length hair but very thick and barely any gray in it yet. My hairstyle suits me and from my neck up I look a lot younger than I am, but my clothes style is awful, I just don’t know how to wear clothes i
literally just throw them on but anything tucking etc gives me sensory issues

I do understand the sensory issues as I am autistic and wear a lot of soft clothes. But I think key to avoiding frump, if you don't want to tuck in, is to make sure you accentuate your shape and don't wear anything too tent like, if that makes sense! You could for eg, wear a shorter flowy top with tighter trousers, or a shorter tighter top with wider trousers. The silhouette is important I think.

How is this limiting? @IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle ?

Maybe to you - but I’m answering a question.

If you want to change any area of your life, whether that is how you dress, career etc, you’ve got to have an awareness of where you are, and what you need to do to get there.

I had a baby last year, breast that don’t behave because they are a C cup one hour and an F 5 hours later when filled with milk - which makes clothes (especially woven clothes) awkward and fit poorly and it means I’m constantly adjusting my top if I’m out and about for a long stretch of time (with older kids there isn’t much of a break for me). Stomach like a deflated balloon and absolutly nothing in my wardrobe was flattering anymore. I can’t wear anything figure hugging (good on women that do - but it didn’t make me look or feel good). I was invited to my friends event opening, took photos, looked back and absolutly hated them! And whilst some women don’t care about how they dress, for some reason it’s important to me - and clearly OP to a certain extent - or else why ask for advice.

Guess what I did. I looked up clothes for postpartum, and styles for postpartum. I decided to go for oversized shirts and dresses - because I could still breastfeed, and look decent as I tend to have places I want to look decent for - and then I created a Pinterest board. I then only bought items that matched the style. Example of dressing for your body.

A year later my stomach is flatter and I can finally wear an old skirt I loved so much. But Ive found a way to dress for my body both at work and for events. I have an older daughter and went through a similar discovery phase to find my style - and people do compliment my dress sense - so I must be onto something,

I wear whatever I want - because I dress for myself and enjoy the process of experimenting with clothes - but I also know exactly what it feels like to look in the mirror (or old photos) and cringe or feel horrible about yourself because of the clothing you are wearing.

What I understood from the post is that OP does not want to feel like “a mum” - the tone is negative - and that’s my advice.

Of course, if you don’t care how you dress - then this advice isn’t useful. But if you want to make subtle changes - this is how I’ve done it.

Look up clothing poverty too if you want to do further research on clothes and how you feel. Also look up inclusive clothing - lots of research being done there for purpose made clothes.

The OP is in her 50s and has teenagers.

I care deeply about how I dress- not wanting to "look like a mum" doesn't come into it, if for no other reason I've no idea what "looking like a mum" means.

Is this not more about looking a bit older/dated than the mum angle? To some extent you can't throw off mum associations, in particular if you actually are out with your kids.

If we are talking about looking more current, I agree with PPs about avoiding pattern and keeping things minimal. Trainers. Nice jewellery and accessories.

Personally I do not suit dresses, they always make me look twee or fussy or accentuate my middle or like it's a maternity thing. Wouldn't matter if they were from White Stuff or Me+Em or somewhere really high end.

I feel your petite pain. The only thing I find really works is shopping in East Asia when I'm there for work - everything just fits, so I get to choose what I like rather than what I do in the UK which is get the one dress in the store that looks kind of OK on my short figure or has adjustable straps or whatever. Petite brands are very hit and miss and I'm yet to find a Cos equivalent.

I’ve spent the day looking at clothes, and I think shift dresses of the a-line variety is the way forward as they don’t swamp me. Problem is that barely anybody does them it is all sleeveless quite fitted, or mini dresses. For petites, most stores do mainly trousers. Reformation dresses must be fkr people who either live in tropical weather or go to red carpet openings on a daily basis.

I’m just fed up of the white stuff and sea salt jersey patterned dresses that’s the only alternative to power suit dressing, prairie dresses for giantesses, bodycon bandage dresses, or jeans and jumper.

I’m just fed up of the white stuff and sea salt jersey patterned dresses that’s the only alternative to power suit dressing, prairie dresses for giantesses, bodycon bandage dresses, or jeans and jumper.

They really aren't the only alternative.

Go to Marks and Spencer and pick up some wide leg trousers -they have shorter leg lengths, lots made of soft, jersey fabrics with elasticated waists, then wear with a nice cashmere or merino jumper and trainers. You'll be comfortable and immediately look far more stylish than when wearing something from Seasalt.

I was just about to come on and recommend the M&S wide leg trousers! I'm 4ft 11 and they're a godsend! I have them in black and khaki but would love it if they did a berry colour too. They are great for dressing up or down.

OP, I find next are good for petites but you probably already know this. Zara also cater well for petite women.

I feel your pain OP. I'm slowly finding my way back to 'me'. I was very much an indie kid in the 90s: black jeans, band t shirt and DMs/converse. I embraced a bit of boho in my 20s with patterned dresses and statement earrings.

I'm adding elements of those back into my wardrobe - wide leg jeans with chunky adidas gazelles, a retro band t-shirt and an over sized fluffy cardi on top. I wear a mini with opaque tights,and DMs plus a an oversized jumper to work. Those bits of my pre-kids life just help me feel a bit more myself.

I love being a mum and I love looking like a mum whatever that means. Most women in the world are mums. We come in many shapes, sizes and colours, and wear a very diverse range of clothes. Ursula von der Leyen ✅ Winnie Mandela ✅ Kate Middleton ✅ Demi Moore ✅ Katie Price ✅ Liz Truss ✅ Dawn French ✅ Karren Brady ✅ Victoria Beckham ✅ Naomi Campbell ✅ Aung Saan Sui Kyi ✅

I wonder if having a session with a stylist would help you.

Go on Vinted - type “shift dress.” You will be presented with 1,000 + shift dresses starting from £2.00 plus postage.

*waits for inevitable “shift dresses are so mumsy” comments.

I'm a similar size and age to you op and I tend to go for a sixties look...I see you like little shift dresses so this would work for you. I tend to shop on Vinted....Boden do a lot of little sixties style dresses or you could go for some little skirts and fitted jumpers. Jack Wills do some nice little tweed mini skirts and they fit better because they're designed for younger people. I also like a 50s style flared dress but they only work for summer because wearing a coat or cardigan ruins the shape on a shorter person. Most of these are by Adrianna Papell and you can get them for under £10 on Vinted because people tend to wear them once for a wedding. Tip: never spend more than £10 on Vinted because they're rubbish if anything goes wrong (although it rarely does).

I do have sensory issues too and often can't face putting on a not very stretchy dress. On those days I just wear black leggings and a black jumper or vest top but if I want to look more dressed up I wear a stretchy dress and tights.

What I'm hearing is that you are finding it difficult to dress less frumpy as a petite? What helps me is to always think of balancing, if I wear a loose top, then tighter trousers or jeans. What also helped me is learning about the rule of thirds - just another way to balance a look. Also platform brogues and trainers give a much needed lift without being heels.

If your children are teenage, presumably you are out of the "hanging around muddy playgrounds" stage, so you don't need to choose clothes solely for practicality?

Perhaps a good place to start is a less utilitarian version of what you wear currently. So if you mostly wear jeans, how about some wide leg trousers or cords in a colour you love? Then maybe something like this on top

https://www.arket.com/en_gbp/women/knitwear/product.wool-polo-jumper-grey.1236251002.html

I can't guarantee that it won't make you look like a mum, but perhaps it will give you more joy?

Also, a coat you love can work wonders.

@IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle it’s a saying. Similar to dad dancing or looking like a grandma - I suppose we all have our own references to what dressing like a mum looks like.

My mum is in her late 50s and has amazing dress sense - again she dresses for her body. She doesn’t use Pinterest, but she definitely takes inspiration from things that she has seen - and she asks for our advice from time to time.

Nope, sorry. It's still meaningless. What does a "mum look like"?

Or for that matter a grandma?