Do other 50-somethings feel this way too?

[Cottonsockblesser]

Generally I love the recent trend in refuting the tired old trope around women, ageing, and style and enjoy seeing online and in real-life women who are wearing/doing/living exactly how they want. The Shift podcast is my absolute fave.

But, and I'm aware this might be just me, I do get a little weary of it in a way that's hard to describe. I recently read Anna Murphy's book 'Destination Fabulous' and while I really loved the chapter on work, the preceding ones about style and clothes annoyed me no end as she just kept going on about 'youthfulness'.

I appreciate no one is making me feel this way, it's all down to my own perceptions but sometimes it's hard to resist the unspoken but nevertheless existing pressure to smash ageing in a way that I currently find exhausting. Am I alone in this? I might be! I currently feel exhausted by EVERYTHING. Life, sandwiched between two quite demanding generations plus dealing with my own stuff, is so tiring.

I was on Jo Whiley's insta recently and I could not believe how good she looked. She's 59! She looks amazing and stylish in a way women never used to. I watched the first series of Gavin and Stacey and Pamela is supposed to be 54. She looked older in a totally different way to Jo. That was made in 2007, and so much has obviously changed in 17 years.

Then my 79-year-old neighbour and I were discussing her hair other day. She looked at my salt and pepper hair and told me she is growing out her grey but because she hates salt and pepper hair is dyeing it pink until all the old dye has grown out.

My hair is, probably, awful. It's still quite brown in the front but quite grey at the back. I say grey but it's a weird sort of washed out light colour that doesn't appear to be silver or grey. As well as thinking how rude my neighbour was I also thought of older ladies of my youth who were just old without any (to me at least) pressure to look anything other than what they were.

I am on HRT but not really looking after myself as well as I might which could be contributing to my oh-so-weary feelings.

Are you loving this new way of being a stylish older woman or do you hanker (a bit) for the time when women could just age in a more comfortable, or less exhausting way? I think I just feel that as menopause is (quite rightly) a hot topic these days so the spotlight has also moved to menopausal women in a way that men always seem to evade. No one ever comments on my husband's bald head or grey beard!

I am aging in a more comfortable way. Very low maintenance, on a no buy this year, don't do Botox or fillers and don't plan to.. I do use Tret but otherwise no " skin regime". I do some exercise and eat well, but more to stay healthy.

I suppose it helps that I WFH and come from a culture where I think women can age somewhat naturally. I dont particularly want to look like Jo Whiley. I am happy to look like my mum.

I wanted to add that I think comparing ourselves to women in the public eye, especially in the glamour biz, is very unwise. They are paid to look like that and nearly all will have had considerable work. It's OK to look like a normal human being.

Pick and mix approach for me. I love clothes so think a lot about them and use them to express myself (not necessarily youthfulness). I have my hair cut and coloured but don't think a lot about make up/beauty products and, other than a manicure/pedicure, would never have any kind of treatment that involved going to a salon. I stay slim because I look and therefore feel better when I do.
Anna Murphy advocates doing what works for you rather than everything. She looks amazing in photographs but is refreshingly normal looking in real life.

I don't follow any Instagram people or anything to do with ageing but just do my own thing. I'm early 60s and still get my hair coloured as it would be quite grey otherwise. Clotheswise I just tend to wear the same stuff I've always done.

People in the public eye have stylists to help them look great. I'm fed up reading about people's "age defying looks" when it's obvious they've had some sort of work done.

I found a photo of my mother at 40 and she looks more old fashioned then than she did in her 80s - short permed hair, white blouse and cardigan with a tartan skirt - and that was on holiday 😅

Yes, I dont follow any Insta influencers or supposed style icons. I hate the whole fake insta culture anyway..Guaranteed to make you feel bad and spend money on unnecessary stuff.
I guess I shouldn't be on S and B!

I’m 51 and have no interest in looking ‘young’. I think I look better than I did 20 years ago — more defined, and able to buy more expensive clothes. I have been quite grey since my 20s (runs in the family) but dye it back to its original golden-brown, though not averse to going grey in future. No treatments, no Botox, ordinary Olay type of skincare, I do eat well and exercise, and I could not be less invested in some celebrities’ appearance/ageing.

I try and be comfortable in my ageing skin. It’s not always easy, particularly when I see my bits of cellulite or saggy bits. However I remind myself to be appreciative of the privilege to grow old. I do eat healthy and exercise regularly to do my best to ensure an active old age. I also don’t worry about dressing appropriately, whatever that means, and shop wherever I feel like.

I would rather put my effort into accepting the changes the years bring, rather than fighting the inevitable.

I am just aging naturally - I’ve never worn make up much and I’m too lazy to bother with the upkeep of dying my hair so I’m doing the salt and pepper thing . I try to eat well and try to exercise though Covid and menopause hasn’t helped with my get up and go . I have no desire though to look like a 50 year old trying to still look 35 .

Im not too worried about being stylish - more concerned with my clothes being comfortable . I have noticed that the little bit of extra weight round the middle I’ve now got though do make some types of waistband annoying and I’m not too keen on saggy arms .

Like the previous poster I’m glad still to be here like many I know too many who are gone too soon

As a few pps have said, I'm just ageing comfortably. I was actually quite attractive when I was younger. Petite, slim, blonde - with fairly modest boobs, and I attracted lots of men. I got to my early to mid 40s and got fat - I am probably. 3 to 4 stone overweight now. I haven't turned a single man's head since I was about 44-45.

I do dye my hair (It's kind of mid blonde,) because the grey starts to go through - but there's only little slivers of grey, that's very easy to keep on top of. If it was completely grey, I probably would just let it all grow through to be honest with you.

I'm mid 50s now and I just go around mostly with just my sloppy scruffy clothes at home, and just put jeans and a T-shirt on when I go out shopping. (Only dress up for a night out.) I put very light makeup on - like a bit of eyeliner, eyeshadow and lippy, and a tiny bit tinted moisturiser. But to be honest with you I can't be arsed to make a massive effort. I cut and dye my own hair, and it looks fine!

I am fine with how I look - and my DH is perfectly happy, whether I just look like a scruffy old dog or whether I look polished and elegant! He is not bothered. I think Jo Wiley looks good, and there are plenty of stunning women over 50 and good for them. I kind of half wish that looked like I did 20+ years ago, but that was never going to happen, because ageing!

And every now and again, I do admire/slightly envy very fit and slim and elegant older women, but I don't care enough to do anything about it ... I'm really I'm quite happy to just be comfortable and my family loves me as I am. To be honest the majority of women are more like me and you OP than Jo Wiley. I don't see many women at nearly 60 looking like Jo Wiley honestly.

My neighbour is 63 and is tall and gangly and slim and fit with a short funky hairstyle but she still looks like a woman in her 60s and you can tell that she's ageing and she's starting to look quite gaunt. You can't defy age. Like, even though Jo is attractive and doesn't look 59, she still looks like a woman over 50. She doesn't look 21.

Forgot to attach pic of Jo Wiley. As I say, attractive and clearly looks after herself, but still looks like a woman over 50 when you look properly.

If you lived next to Jo Whiley and saw her regularly while she was putting out the bins or walking the dog, and she looked exactly like she did while presenting Glastonbury, then fair enough. But you can't compare Jo Whiley dressed/made-up for tv with yourself doing your own thing; I bet Jo-on-the-radio is more or less on a par with you-at-work, but maybe with slightly trendier clothes and residually better hair/skin from the being-on-tv prep.

I'm 56 and happy to age naturally. Never had botox / fillers or anything like that, never will either. I don't even like manicures or pedicures, prefer to look after my own nails.
I do have my hair cut every 6 weeks as it's a pixie cut, and have it coloured twice a year. I do yoga, swimming and pilates to keep myself healthy,
I enjoy cooking and eat healthily. Clothes wise I just wear what suits my frame, I tend to stick with what I know works.
I'm definitely looking my age but that's fine, we are supposed to aren't we?

61 here, sitting on my bed with hair dye cooking away. I feel around 45 so I think a lot is how we feel/see ourselves in our mind. I like to keep up with fashion to an extent but I do it all for myself. I'm a happy 61, enjoying life whilst I can.

Exactly! No glamourous and attractive woman is going to look amazing in her day to day life - putting the bins out or putting the washing out etc! As I say, Jo is attractive and presents herself well, but she doesn't look many years younger than her age - even when made up/dressed 'trendy.' So I am willing to bet she just looks fairly normal/ordinary when she is dressed down with no make-up on.

I'm 56. Having spent most of my adult life in an abusive marriage, I have regained 'me'. Turns out 'me' has defaulted back to the punk gen-xer of my younger self. I couldn't give a shit about societal pressures to conform to a patriarchal view of what women should or shouldn't be as they age, or indeed at any age.

We shouldn't still be having to fight for basic rights either, we seem to be going backwards rather than forwards. That is what is exhausting, women's rights are still being attacked and eroded.

I think men do comment on grey and balding hair. The men I know are certainly conscious of it and have discussed it openly. That and man boobs!

I'm loving being in my 50s. Literally cannot wait for my periods to end. Wear what I like at work and nobody dares make a comment. The only fucker for me is that I picked up long Covid/ME which I discover is something that is most common in women over 45 fgs! The gifts just keep coming!

What a brilliant post.

I'm closer to 70 than 50, adore clothes and don't really understand why I'd give up on them. For me it would be like deciding not to bother reading books any more.

I get so much enjoyment from thinking about what to wear. I'm not blessed with much in the way of creative talent but getting dressed gives me an outlet.

I think trying to look youthful is a different matter entirely. I don't see the point.
I also suspect we look just as old to young people as our parents' generation did to us.

I do work harder on my health and fitness now but that's because I'm hoping for a long and healthy old age.

I'm not really interested in skincare or make up but some people are and I get that. If you enjoy it, go for it.

I agree with the feelings expressed by the OP that ‘staying youthful’ becomes just another thing that we are supposed to do, another external pressure created by unrealistic media pressure and expectations , but I think there is a big difference in that as we age, many of us find that we just don’t care about what others think any longer.
There is a lot more accessible information available these days about maintaining fitness and health for as long as possible, and a pleasant side effect of that is to look better if you’re attending to sleep, nutrition & exercise. Finding time for self care and fitness can still be demanding, especially when you have caring responsibilities for others, but we all know it’s good for us.

I think Instagram has had the most insidious effect on our perception of what's 'normal'. My brain instantly runs subtitles saying, 'But hair and make-up' when I see red carpet photos or television interviews but carefully curated (urgh) Insta shots do give the impression that some people are perfect 24/7, even when in 'relaxed home mode'. Which I'm sure they're not.

62, have always loved clothes and have my own style, like to follow trends but adapted to how I wear clothing. Hair natural red brown (never dyed it) with grey streaks which I rather like, colourful glasses, well groomed and never afraid of a slightly mad accessory. I worked in PR / fashion a while back now and used to see the models going in for castings. From seeing a model in the flesh and then how they photographed, I know the wonder of a lens and place far more on how a person is, than on how they appear to be! Style and Beauty is not a fleeting reflection on social media, it is more a way to be, to present yourself that makes you happy and at ease with the world.

Yeh, at about 47 I realised suddenly, my focus here has to be to look healthy, happy, stylish-ish and to look... like I'm the one behind my own look, whatever it is, I'm its architect.

I think that's important. I'm 54 now and I don't want to look un fashionable exactly but I don't look fashionable either. Focus on colours that flatter. Hair n make up.

I don't want to be too obsessed with "youthfulness" either. It is what it is. I'm 54. I accept it.

I think menopause can have a big effect on our self image and confidence. It still feels a bit like you are being Shunted off to the nursing home because you are now officially 'old'.

But I spent my 30s and 40s hating how I looked. Seriously obese, unhealthy and unfit. My entire wardrobe was 2 pairs of baggy black trousers and a few baggy t shirts. Never did make up or cut my hair.
Now in my 50s I'm half the size, fit, healthy and loving experimenting with beauty and fashion. I'm never going to be wearing body con mini skirts but I don't feel the need to try and dress for my age either.
If something makes me happy then I'm gonna wear it!

I wear body-con mini skirts 😂 With thick, black tights though. In the final year of my 60s, my skin has gone crinkly all over and I feel my legs look 'wrong' in a short skirt. I resent this - my legs are legs, still more or less working!

I have an annoying tendency to wage war on my internalised sexism, so maybe I'll let you know when I've achieved mini-skirt insouciance ... just off to get the fake tan out, now I'm thinking about it!

I just want to stay as fit as possible. My back is a bit iffy sometimes and it has brought it home to me how inconvenient it is not to be able to do some things as easily as I used so focusing on fitness is my primary goal. Just back from holiday where we did a lot of hill walking and this was the first time the DCS bounded ahead and I was always at the back.