Do other 50-somethings feel this way too?

[Cottonsockblesser]

Generally I love the recent trend in refuting the tired old trope around women, ageing, and style and enjoy seeing online and in real-life women who are wearing/doing/living exactly how they want. The Shift podcast is my absolute fave.

But, and I'm aware this might be just me, I do get a little weary of it in a way that's hard to describe. I recently read Anna Murphy's book 'Destination Fabulous' and while I really loved the chapter on work, the preceding ones about style and clothes annoyed me no end as she just kept going on about 'youthfulness'.

I appreciate no one is making me feel this way, it's all down to my own perceptions but sometimes it's hard to resist the unspoken but nevertheless existing pressure to smash ageing in a way that I currently find exhausting. Am I alone in this? I might be! I currently feel exhausted by EVERYTHING. Life, sandwiched between two quite demanding generations plus dealing with my own stuff, is so tiring.

I was on Jo Whiley's insta recently and I could not believe how good she looked. She's 59! She looks amazing and stylish in a way women never used to. I watched the first series of Gavin and Stacey and Pamela is supposed to be 54. She looked older in a totally different way to Jo. That was made in 2007, and so much has obviously changed in 17 years.

Then my 79-year-old neighbour and I were discussing her hair other day. She looked at my salt and pepper hair and told me she is growing out her grey but because she hates salt and pepper hair is dyeing it pink until all the old dye has grown out.

My hair is, probably, awful. It's still quite brown in the front but quite grey at the back. I say grey but it's a weird sort of washed out light colour that doesn't appear to be silver or grey. As well as thinking how rude my neighbour was I also thought of older ladies of my youth who were just old without any (to me at least) pressure to look anything other than what they were.

I am on HRT but not really looking after myself as well as I might which could be contributing to my oh-so-weary feelings.

Are you loving this new way of being a stylish older woman or do you hanker (a bit) for the time when women could just age in a more comfortable, or less exhausting way? I think I just feel that as menopause is (quite rightly) a hot topic these days so the spotlight has also moved to menopausal women in a way that men always seem to evade. No one ever comments on my husband's bald head or grey beard!

Same here on everything. My "counting sheep" is planning what to wear.

Apart from hair being cut and dyed every 5 weeks, I've no interest in the beauty side of S&B. I've never had a manicure, pedicure or facial, had fillers, used retinol etc.

I don't think I'm trying to be young, but I have had a renewed interest in clothes over the last 6ish years. I feel like I'm through with the striving part of life. All the big questions have been answered - will I have kids, who will I live with, where will I live, education, job, etc. Now I'm in my 50s and I have time, head space, and interest in dressing again, almost like being a teenager, much more creative than in my more serious striving phase. I go to the gym, but that's for my heart. I've cut my own hair for over a decade but that's because I couldn't find a hairdresser who could do a better job. And I stopped dying it aged 38 because i wanted to see what my real hair was like (and I love it!). My make up has gradually worn down to the level of good skin care and foundation. I get complimented often, but I think its as much to do with being at ease with myself in a much more meaningful way than ever before, and having fun with clothes. I don't think the compliments are because I look young or am trying to look young. I really like my age. This is the best time of my life so far, and I think that's what people are picking up on.

I'm in my early 50s. I don't worry about looking older, I just buy clothes I like. Not in a 'looking fabulous, smashing stereotypes about aging' way. Just in a 'That's surely what most normal, non-influencer women do' way.

I feel like my 50's are my best decade. I finally know what suits me, clothes wise and despite my dreams of being casual and cool, in reality I need tailored casual, smart clothes. I am refusing to stop dyeing my hair, and will remain a red head until I die!
I'm still experimenting with makeup and enjoying being affluent enough to invest in the expensive brands, so that naturally looks better. I wear more,lipstick now because my lips are still good. I'm also taking a weight loss drug and have lost 2 stone so far, so am the lightest I've been since i was in my 40's and loving the difference that I, seeing in how my clothes fit.
In short, I'm more stylish, better looking and happier and loving my 50's 🥰

Oh yes I totally agree. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.
I don't usually bother with celebrity culture but I am interested in women my age and older and will, when out, notice what they are wearing etc. Which was what I was doing with Jo W, except she was on my screen.

I think @fernsandlilies has encapsulated what I meant. Even if we don't care what others think (and so fab to read here about many who don't) the 'just another thing' of it all is so wearying.

I guess I was just hankering for a time when such pressure or expectations didn't continue into this phase of life, even if we do choose to ignore them.

I have no idea why I feel like this. Like many of you, I don't care for others' opinion and am hankering for a return to the gym because it made me feel healthier etc.
I mean, I'm sat here in decades old clothes, hair scraped back, no make-up so it doesn't have a material affect on me as such.

And like a PP I buy more expensive hair/body/make-up products when I do and love clothes. However, I have too much stuff so am trying to buy less but better quality. I just look at - sweeps hand round - everything and think "would I want to move all this" and "the children would have so much to sort out if anything happened".

It's a balance between ignoring expectations while admiring those who exceed them and between not wanting so many clothes/things while enjoying clothes and wanting to freshen up my wardrobe (the latter of which is probably a subject for another thread).

(And yes, all written with the caveat that the alternative is worse, and it is a privilege to age. But even the privileged moan 😀)

Really interesting thread OP. I think the surprise for me was that photo someone did of the golden girls if they'd been around now. The actresses were early fifties but had the short roller set curls.

I agree there is more pressure but also more freedom. I'm 52 and put on a horrible amount of weight during covid combined with menopause which made me lose a lot of confidence. Losing weight now due to very strict low carb and so excited to be getting back into leather jackets and interesting clothes. I will never wear a knee length tweed and blouse.

However whilst not fighting aging per se I had my bags removed at 30 because they were huge and have botox to lift my jowels and have all kinds of fun with retinol, acids and make up. I don't want to look younger, but I do like to look as good as I can.

cottonsockblesser

I completely agree, we have just had to 'clear' MIL house following her death and all her clothes etc have had to go

I wonder whether we suddenly have a sense if mortality ☹️

I've ended up in a bit of a style rut since I retired. I rarely go anywhere so I end up in jeans and a t shirt.

I have zero interest in skin care or make up but luckily have no wrinkles so I just slap on some CC cream to hide my mild rosacea.

Getting dressed up/ made up is just too much of a faff and effort so Iguess I'll just have to stay in my rut

Such an interesting pic @Cellotapedispenser thank you

I often think about my granny and her sartorial stye and now in context of this thread. She must have cared quite a bit about what others thought. There was the set she regularly had done at the hairdressers, colourful (though polyester) dresses, strings of beads and lipstick before she left the house.

Obviously her generation are not here to ask and I'm not sure she would have articulated or thought much about whether she did feel it, so maybe it was an internal thing - pride or whatever. I know she was very keen on not 'letting yourself go'.

Maybe I'm just imagining there were no expectations/pressure back in the day...🤔

I like the idea of reframing today's expectations not as pressure but as "freedom".

I think @everythingisgoingup that it is not until you have to clear someone's house (or move them) that you realise how much is accumulated in a lifetime.

I am definitely going to weed out the duds from my wardrobe.

Maybe that's the key @RaraRachael. If you only have clothes that make you feel good/you absolutely love then no effort is really required. Hopefully any effort would have to be made once with a purge, followed by a tiny splurge on considered, quality items followed up by small tweaks if you felt inclined. That's the dream (my dream) anyway!

Yes Jo looks fab. Im 51 could do with less weight thanks menopause! I do school bus help but still try and look stylish. Its a tiring time of life everyone wants u kids elder parents etc

Interesting thread! Especially the comments about 'she's let herself go'.

Like the OP, I remember the times women were allowed to give in to aging. Memories of my nan are always of her wearing a nylon housecoat, slippers and a headscarf round her curlers (cig hanging out of her mouth). She was probably only about 50 and would have called me 'Mutton dressed up as lamb' (I am 58).

My grandma was very glamorous as a young woman, like a film starlet, but in her 40s she faded into the background, wore no make-up, drab clothes. She had some beautiful jewellery and could've bought lovely things, but she turned into a 'no more of that nonsense' kind of woman.

There's so much more pressure on women to maintain their 'looks' these days.
I run my own company so have to look 'good' and not old and beaten down.
I'm an ex-goth, so no sun = no wrinkles, and my skin is really good. I exfoliate everyday, use moisturisers day & night.
I mostly WFH, but put on make-up and do my hair most days for client meetings or to go out. Wear unique clothes and shoes.

No cosmetic surgery except for IPL (laser treatment) for my hairy lip and chin, as my hair is so dark.
I tried growing out my grey hair during Covid, but I looked too old ...! I have a cut and colour (brunette with highlights) every 6 weeks.
Regular pedicure and occasional manicure.
Take HRT.

I often slob around the house with greasy hair, wearing holey leggings and an old baggy top. It's good to be able to relax and not care what I look like some days.

From what I can remember, I'd say wearing a housecoat indoors was largely about a generation who had lived through rationing trying to look after their 'good clothes' - and they didn't have nearly as many as we do.

I also remember that generation taking inordinate care of their hair, e.g. budgeting for a shampoo & set at a salon every week. Yes they might also wear rollers around the house but then you had to leave them in for hours and hours to get much of an effect.

So I'm not sure I agree that they weren't under any pressure to maintain their appearance, although I think maybe the pressures were different and more to do with etiquette.

In fact I challenge anyone to try sleeping with their whole head in rollers - not the soft spongey ones but the old school variety with bristles and spikes - and then come back and tell me there were no pressures then

Ouch I remember trying to sleep in those spiky curlers as a teen. There's a reason rag curls are preferable.

I think previously it was about 'standards' rather than beauty and youth. Having clean windows was as important as keeping trim and having ironed clothing. Your children also had to have white starched collars. My grandmother would be horrified that I never ever iron my dcs uniforms. Tumble dry and shake and onto a hanger.

Now i think it is about being attractive and photograph ready.

Yes 'standards' is a better word, and yeah they did extend to how you kept your house, but I think they covered how you looked and dressed too. They could be pretty oppressive.

One area where I do think there was less pressure than now was around 'getting your figure back' after having a baby. This is pure anecdote but I don't remember my mum or any of my aunts being serial dieters or worrying about getting 'bikini / swimsuit ready' before going on holiday. There seemed to be more of an acceptance that your body wouldn't be the same again and that it was ok. But then - massive generalisation alert - I'd say that generation were, as a group, thinner than us in the first place. You only need to look at vintage clothes sizes to see that.

and long before intermittent fasting, my mum would start a really strict diet every single Monday only to give up on Friday. Every week. But she wasn't overweight, so although she was cross with herself, it was working.

And they trussed themselves up in elastic, @Floisme!

Like I said, the dieting memory was anecdotal and could well be wrong.

Yeah your first girdle was a real rite of passage, I was dead jealous when my sister got one. I was going to mention those 'My girdle is killing me' adverts but I felt like I'd been holding forth for long enough!

Previous generations didn't have the money or access to the beauty and fashion we do.
I'm 52 and have my hair done regularly and keep myself fit and like a spray tan and love clothes and shoes. It's not about giving in to age it's about enjoying life and if looking good is part of that then go for it.
50s is young, no need for awful hair or scruffy clothes, you can look good and natural without being overly done up.
I believe in making the most of yourself, no way am I going to be having grey hair and dressed in housecoats 🤣

You are so right. Also age is not just years and skin care. It's life experiences and your body's reaction. I've found this year tough as my face suddenly collapsed. I look 15 to 20 years older and people think am older than my sis who is 5 years older than me. But I've had unbelievable stress. She has too but has often slept 8 to 9 hours. In contrast I've slept avg of 4 hours for the last 10 years.
Then I started looking at women in public eye and comparing them to mysel6whch was very depressing. Reality is they have unimaginable resourced. They sleep long. If they have kids they have hired help. Quite a few spend hours in the gym if not every day then several times a week with treatments in between. So for now, let's age as we age

Haha, I remember it all - including my brother poring avidly over the women's underwear section of Mum's catalogues 😂 I daren't ask him if he ended up with a fetish for hefty shapewear!

And assisting the lady to squeeze into her girdle ... amphetamines and fags.

Really interesting thread. I'm late 40s and feel like I'm stumbling into mid-life. Genuinely feel (deep down, not in terms of energy or looks) like I should be in my 30s. Shocked at how time has passed and how I've aged. In need of S&B inspo!

I think you are mistaken that women of a generation or two back didn't care about their appearance and just aged- my grandma had a perm and set and her hair washed once a week at the salon, rollers every night, a girdle, handwashed her jumpers, it was an 'old' look compared with what 60 year olds aspire to now, but they did make an effort, or at least lots did. It was more that younger fashion wasn't seen as 'appropriate' for older women, the old 'mutton dressed as lamb' fear. I have restarted wearing shorter skirts in my fifties- as my mum said to me, you will never be younger than the age you are today, so if you want to wear something, now is the time.