I'm so ugly - please help!

[Roundandback]

About 10 years ago I was probably considered relatively attractive. 5 years ago I was ok. Now - I just am horrific.

I have aged dramatically (I'm 43) and have put on weight - although am losing it now but can't seem to make any other improvements with my appearance.
I can barely even be bothered to wash let alone look after my skin or hair.

I've got no clothes - literally just two old sport bras, a couple of pairs of jeans that don't fit well and some horrible tops. When I go outside I literally just dress to make sure I'm not naked - I know I look awful but don't know how to change!

Help me please! I know I could improve how I look and that would massively help my confidence but I just don't know where to start.

I feel much the same op. I've lost all confidence in my sense of style (if I ever had any) and live in leggings and sweatshirts. I've put on weight, have shit hair and feel like I've developed so many lines in the past couple of years. I look at old photos of myself and barely recognise myself.

I do put a bit of make up on everyday - nothing fancy, just tinted moisturiser and a bit of mascara. It helps me feel less hideous.

I would say that however you feel, I doubt you look as bad as you think. And I'm certain nobody is looking at you thinking 'cor she's rough'. The simple fact is nobody really cares that much.

It's important that you are kind to yourself though. Could you go shopping for some nice pamper stuff? Make up? Face masks? Some nice hair products? Maybe book a good hairdresser and have a change. And take yourself shopping!

Is money a real issue op, or could you afford to get your hair done, and buy a few clothes that fit you now?

can you force yourself to wash and groom each day, and do a few mins exercise?

Do you have money for new clothes etc? If yes, I think a new hair cut, jeans x 2 and some well fitting tshirts would be a good start. Do you have a friend who's style you admire? Take them with you for advice/help. I think also a cleanser, moisturiser and a tinted lip balm like Burt's Bees would make you feel a bit nicer too.

If you were attractive 10 years ago you're not unattractive now, you've just lost your confidence.

I hope you find it again as feeling down on yourself is no good 💐

I think many of us are finding ourselves in the same situation. I blame lockdowns. Be gentle with yourself OP. Maybe start with getting your hair done. If that elevates your mood then do a bit of shopping? Best wishes!

Thank you @bubblebutt88 ! It's awful isn't it - you're right, other people probably aren't thinking "blimey, she's rough" but I am.

I've just booked an appointment to get my hair cut and coloured and will definitely make sure I have a shower today.

I can completely relate about the sense of style (or lack of) - I think the thing is I just can't bear the idea of going shopping as I know I will find it such a miserable experience!

I need to sort out my skincare as well and actually do it - it just feels like I've got so much neglect to undo.

Money was an issue which meant I just bought what I could afford instead of what I actually liked.

I also have the horrible habit of just buying things when I absolutely needed them so there was always a bit of a panic of finding something that 'would do' instead of what looked good.

I have just booked an appointment with the hairdresser for Friday which I think will make a big difference.

I think with clothes have a look online and put your energy into having one casual outfit that suits your shape and matches. Like match the colour of the top with the shoes and bag. Once you feel good in something even when it's only once a week that will give you the belief that you can choose clothes that are nice and make you feel good.

It's too big a job to change your whole wardrobe.

Taking a friend shopping is a good idea or even just going myself - I need to take the pressure off though and only buy something that I love. Previously I've only gone shopping when I've desperately needed clothes and got into a bit of a panic!

Skincare is an easy one. Just cleanse, tone and moisturise. You can get these products and some cotton wool pads really cheaply from Boots. I like the body shop cleanser but that's a bit pricier.

Take yourself shopping and get some skincare bits if nothing else. Get into the habit of doing it before bed and I promise you'll see a difference in how you look and feel.

Oh and I hate clothes shopping too, especially as it usually involves taking a toddler with me! Online shopping is no better, I just find it all so tedious and stressful! But if you can get one or two new bits that you actually like and feel good in it will make such a positive impact.

Good luck, aging is no fun!

🤔 @Roundandback have you posted this before? It seems awfully familiar - and I think I posted on the previous thread.

I kind of feel the same!! I feel a bit lost. I used to be quite confident but feel very bland/like I fade into the background.

I am trying to change things up:

Don't just throw my hair up in a bun for ease. I look like an egg!
Skincare every morning - nothing fancy, serum + moisturiser.
I'm thinking of investing in lvls every 2 months - it's expensive but I'm hoping that will give me more confidence without makeup.
I need to work on my clothes!!! At the moment it's leggings and sweatshirts. I need a styling lesson or watch some YouTube videos - something!!! The last time I was really into fashion was pre kids, so about 8 years ago. I'm now closer to 40 than 30 so I feel like I don't know what to wear/what suits me.

Well,done on the hair appt; you will feel like that’s a great first step .

get in the shower and wash your hair if you’ve not already. Honestly you feel so much better for it. Brush your teeth, clean clothes and undies.

if you’ve any moisturiser, do your face, or body, whatever you have, if not, a good shower works wonders.

i went through a stage a bit like you, working from home, put on weight, couldn’t be arsed showering often. I’ve kind of turned it round now,I try to do 10-20 mins of proper exercise every day, put decent clean clothes on, even just a bit of moisturiser and concealer and bronzer and I look and feel so much better, get my hair done every couple of weeks. Moisturise my body and feet as I get into bed or after shower. I class it as for my own well being. I can’t slip back it was so unhealthy/

And it always surprises me how much better I feel all day after having a decent shower in the morning, rather than slobbing about

it’s easy to slip into poor habits, and so Important for your mental health to pull yourself out of it. As homestly it doesn’t go anywhere good if you don’t.

OP pls don't be so negative about yourself. Great you've booked a hair appointment. Shower every day - morning or night if that's better for you. I feel loads better after a shower, I mean cheered up if I feel down. And one step at a time, you don't actually need many clothes as long as you have a functioning washer! I'm trying not to buy anything new for a year and am looking only on Vinted, it's because I have too many clothes. Anyway, you can get decent basics for not very much. Just stick to black for now, or grey, or navy blue or similar. Whatever suits you best and then you don't need to worry about anything going with anything.

If you give more detail about your colouring and shape, there are lots of people here who would help.

Also maybe think of a couple of dresses?
A dress can make you look quite pulled together with no effort involving matching stuff up and maybe an easier way to include some colour or pattern?

I would say a nice coat with a belt (like a Mac) and a good pair of boots or shoes instantly improve your look. You can wear your jeans and tops with it and still look styled.

I really hate shopping and often couldnt afford clothes so I would shop in charity shops. I felt it took the stress off and cost so little that I would buy a couple of items extra.

Very true. Dresses are my go to as they are so easy.

The haircut should help you.
Also basic skincare as others have suggested. Get a nice product you enjoy using because of the scent, feel etc. hot cloth cleanser feels luxurious to me and you can get cheap ones in boots etc
nice shower gel etc so you enjoy showering too.
clothes wise find a formula that works for you. I have the same jeans in 4 colours, same wide leg trousers in 4 colours etc. similar tops in different colours. the tip about a nice coat is good too as we (hopefully) go into spring

I felt the same until about 6 months ago. I'm early 40s too. My kids have aged me so much in the last 5 years and I'd got really used to just slobbing about in leggings and nursing bras, both in the "just coping" newborn periods and also the idgaf time of lockdown.
I used to have a strong sense of style and identity and I just looked in the mirror and could believe where I'd ended up.
I invested in a few things which gave my self esteem a huge boost:

• new hair cut and colour
• boots
• a couple of pairs of jeans that fit correctly
• a new coat

And then I did a lot of charity shop shopping and vinted and some days I finals feel I've got something of my old self back.

I put on weight at 44, I put it down to perimenopause, it's a bugger to lose and affects your mental health more than you realise. It crept on, until one day I woke up and didn't have a waist (that was hard). I go to the gym, it helps.

Get some good, well fitting underwear and start with the basics and build from there. Get some basics like t-shirts and jeans that fit. You don't have to spend a fortune, my jeans come from Tesco, I'm wearing a t-shirt from Primark they both fit and look clean and in good condition.

I'm not into a fancy skin routine, I cleanse at night, wash my face with olive soap in the morning and moisturise morning and night. I dye my own hair when my greys become really noticeable.

I think a few good bras is a key thing. The right amount of heaving up makes everything look better. At least one skin coloured and one black if you wear black. It's not a lot of fun but try getting properly fitted. Some comfortable non-stretched knickers can be uplifting at least psychologically.

Try to chose flattering colours even if it's only a t-shirt.

Tidy up your eyebrows if they need it. I always do my own stray hairs with tweezers as I'm terrified of beauty therapists going "too far".

Forget "pampering" - get skin care which works which probably means retinols. Choose a retinol product and slap it on every night and wear a sunscreen during the day. I have never cleansed, toned and moisturised and even now (I'm quite a bit older) my skin is on the oily rather than the dry side. I remove make up at night with warm water and a microfibre cloth - I have a handful of them which I bought cheaply and use a fresh one every night. They just go through the washing machine with the towels. No product, just microfibre and water. (I have allergies so I can't use cleansers anywhere near my eyes.) Then I put on a prescription strength retinoid. In the morning or whenever I shower I use a very gentle cleanser in the shower if I think my skin might be a little oily. I never use anything which has added perfume. For what it's worth, dermatologists say I have very nice skin.

I wear a little make up which takes no time at all. As soon as my sunblock has soaked in, I put a little concealer under my eyes and a little bit of light foundation on my centre panel to even up my skin tone. I use a little bit of brown eyeshadow as an eyeliner and then put on lipstick (because it makes me look healthier). I think it is less than a 3 minute job. I don't buy expensive makeup - lots of good cheap products. But you might be a tinted moisturiser and mascara type person so whatever works.

I did get a bit dowdy during a very difficult period in my life so I sympathise.

Good luck with the hairdresser. Try to get something easy to maintain and be honest about how much time you're going to devote to keeping it styled (or not) as the case may be. I have loads of very fine straight hair and it is easy for me to just let it air dry but layers or trying to get waves would be too much for me to consider.

@Roundandback

take the pressure off. Go to the shops for a coffee/lunch/new book, whatever is 'easy' for you. Then if you happen to fancy a look in a shop then do that, maybe a second one... no pressure!

it's great you've made the hairdressers appointment.

try to 'go for a coffee' before then & if you find anything you LIKE to buy, you can wear it to your appointment!

I tend to order clothes online rather than try and buy in the shops. The mirrors and lighting in the changing rooms are always horrific and I find if I order clothes online then I can try them on properly in a decent mirror at home, add shoes to the look etc. always find that a much better option that going shopping

im 45 and actually have suddenly found my style. I realised I really suit nice v neck midi dresses and there’s thousands to choose from so it doesn’t get tired. Add a nice blazer and shoes or smart trainers etc. I also bought some nice chunky jewellery too. It’s made such a difference! I try and buy good quality clothes (Reiss etc) BUT I only ever buy them in the sale or Vinted.. I could never justify buying them new at those prices. I actually just bought a new without tags Whistles dress from there which was £25 (£200 ish new).

in the past year I’ve also started going to get my nails done once a month (around £22). Again, makes me feel better

No advice but following because this is me. Exactly.

Who do you look like OP? You don’t need to post a photo but is there a famous person who looks like you a bit overall? What’s your figure shape? A bit more info would mean some more tailored replies.