I'm so ugly - please help!

[Roundandback]

About 10 years ago I was probably considered relatively attractive. 5 years ago I was ok. Now - I just am horrific.

I have aged dramatically (I'm 43) and have put on weight - although am losing it now but can't seem to make any other improvements with my appearance.
I can barely even be bothered to wash let alone look after my skin or hair.

I've got no clothes - literally just two old sport bras, a couple of pairs of jeans that don't fit well and some horrible tops. When I go outside I literally just dress to make sure I'm not naked - I know I look awful but don't know how to change!

Help me please! I know I could improve how I look and that would massively help my confidence but I just don't know where to start.

Haha great comment about the clothes op, can relate to a lot of this

I came across a life coach on Insta called Peggy Larsen coaching - it just so happened that she had a post about showing up for yourself. It coincided with a moment of low morale and it really boosted me to get off my arse and exercise that day. I’ve saved it and try and listen to it frequently to remind myself that if I want to make changes I need to do the work myself. Maybe it will help you get in the right frame of mind to make your own changes.

You need to work outwards on this. Start with getting yourself some new underwear, decent underwear can make or break an outfit. A shit top will look miles better if it's got well supported boobs in it. Book a haircut, buy some basic makeup.

For a wardrobe overhaul, aim for a capsule. Don't just buy something you like if it won't go with anything else. Don't buy yourself specific outfits. Well fitting jeans, and then a few jumpers and t shirts that will go with them. If you find a style of jeans you like, then buy them in a few colours. Same for tops. Once you have a capsule sorted, then you can begin to add "pieces" if you will.

I'm not sure what your budget is, but the likes of H&M and M&S are great for this sort of thing.

You're not alone here, I was fabulous in my twenties, totally lost my way in my thirties. My thirties downturn was a combination of a vastly different postpartum body and being skint. Now I'm in my forties and accept that after a couple of sections my body will never look as it did when I was 25. Financially I'm in a far better place with a little extra cash each month to get my hair done, replace clothes, not buy supermarket underwear, etc...

I was also going to suggest taking a friend shopping. Apparently I’m considered stylish so have been shopping with a couple of friends who wanted wardrobe overhauls, I absolutely love doing it! In my experience my friends just seemed to need someone to encourage them to try stuff they wouldn’t otherwise, almost like being given ‘permission’ to wear some different styles. It can be a really fun day and needn’t cost a lot if you’re on a budget.

Reading with interest as I feel very similar OP. I was quite attractive in my youth and generally pretty confident about my appearance.....but now at 46 I feel so very down about my older chubbier body and just general plainness.
I don't know how to pick myself back up.

You’re not ugly you’ve just nothing that makes you feel ‘yes!’ A few years ago I bought a few bras and started doing the small things that picked me up, shaved the legs, moisturised, conditioner in hair, great moisuriser (had roseacea, found avene skin soothing cream and Cetaphil cleanser), cut nails and painted (rimmel, their pink is gorgeous) and it made me feel more human and hold my head up a bit. If you can buy a few clothes that fit and feel nice. Best of luck op x

Can you afford to go and see someone? Like a style consultant? I met up with one years ago and it was the best thing I ever did...
Or go and have a personal shopper - buy some good fitting jeans and a couple of tops and go from there?

Unless you’re wide hipped or generally wide - in which case it would look like a dressing gown, done up.

Get on vinted and have a look at some things you like - you don’t need to try and completely change yourself overnight and this avoid the going shopping thing too. You can get some cheap bargains on there too.
buy for the size you are now and have a little refresh - even if it’s the same sort of things you wear now, having some new items helps you feel a bit refreshed and might help you motivated to do more for yourself day to day. But take it one day at a time and make sure you’re comfortable

I just wanted to give an update and also say thank you to everyone for their suggestions and support.

I had an HD brows appointment and also got my hair cut and coloured this weekend - I can not tell you the difference it has made to how I feel about myself - particularly my eyebrows. This has given me the motivation to keep on going!

Im working in the office today - was happy with my dress and how I looked in general until I realised that I still only had my one very skanky sports bra to wear (and my puppy had chewed the back of my only pair of shoes) Luckily the bra doesn't make too much of a difference but underwear definitely needs to be next on my list.

I have absolutely no idea what size I am and have no faith in the bra fitters in shops - any tips would be greatly appreciated!

@Divebar2021 - I love that phrase "show up for yourself" which is exactly what I don't do.....so I'll definitely have a look.

@Blueuggboots roughly how much is a style consultant (appreciate prices will vary!) I think that or a personal shopper would be a great investment but would want to wait a little while until I've lost more weight / toned up. Although to be honest that has been my go to excuse not to buy any new clothes for years!

@Roundandback - I think my session was about £100 BUT it was 10 years ago...however, it has saved me a fortune over the years because I know know what suits me and why which means I only buy items I know suit me.

Have a search in your local area for style consultants and ask how much they cost? Also have your "colours" done which will give you an idea of what suits you.

When you try on bras, bend forward with boobs hanging down and scoop them in so they fill the cup. If they then bulge out, the cup is too small.
As a rule you’ll likely be a 36 if you think you’re a 38 and a D cup if you think you’re a C cup. So go slightly tighter than you would normally and increase cup size.

Hi OP. I am currently going through a very similar thing. I recently decided to sort it out. Here’s my planning for the next few months:

1. Hair and eyebrows (now done and like you, immediately felt better)
2. Am doing basic care - washing my face every night, using a retinol serum and moisturising.
3. I have an appointment booked with a make up artist. It’s expensive (£300!) but she will look at my make up bag to say what does and doesn’t work, recommend new make up if needed and teach me how to do a daytime and evening look. She also does some skin care work so can help me with products. I figure it’ll save me money in the longer term, rather than buying products which don’t work for me and then throwing them away, barely used.
4. I have an appointment with a bra fitter coming up. (Actually got a recommendation from here!)
5. I am going with a friend to one of those John Lewis stylist appointments. I’m asking them to put together a capsule wardrobe and my friend can help me judge if it looks good.

Even though I have just started this process, having it all lined up is already helping me feel better. I completely appreciate that not everyone can afford this and I am lucky, but I decided to dip into my savings to cover it all because I think the increased confidence will help me feel better and happier over all.

Hi OP, really pleased for you on your hair and eyebrows. Keep going! I'm sure you're not ugly!

Bra fittings - I've had one at M&S, La Senza (back in the day), Ann Summers, another high st place I can't remember the name of just now. They were all much of a muchness. They're usually very nice people. Don't feel pressured to buy anything though. Remember you can always say, I'm just going to have a think about it, I might pop back later.

John Lewis do personal styling sessions which I believe are free and there's no pressure to buy, although I think people usually do. If you sent them your sizes and measurements and said you want new basics / everyday staples and a pair of really nice jeans they would pick things out for you to try and give you confidence as to whether they are right for you. It would help stop the overwhelm when you walk into the shop!

100% though, I think new undies needs to be your priority now - a couple of bras you feel good in that you can wash and rotate and some new knickers too.

Also - I think the idea of waiting till you've lost weight before you buy is a trap. Why shouldn't you feel good as you are now? You deserve it now. Life is too short to deny yourself the chance to feel good now.

Ive just gone through what you are going through now. Lost the weight, got the eyebrows and hair done, started a skincare regime and now working through the wardrobe

Like you I was embarressed by my bras, so I used this calulator https://www.calculator.net/bra-size-calculator.html and it worked

I was amazed as the size it told me was one I would never have thought I was. But I went into Dunnes ( like BHS used to be ) chose the bras I liked in the size reccomended and yep, for some styles spot on, other styles I had to go up or down a cup size

Belive me, the difference in how clothes fit is absolutely amazing. Plus for the first time in forever Im comfortable in a bra - because it actually fits

Well done on coming so far. My confidence has really increased. I want to go out now. Never going to be an oil painting, but what I do have Im making the most of.

@Roundandback so pleased to see your update as I was going to suggest eyebrows - they make such a difference! I know some people are scared of fake tan but I find it makes a massive difference. Garnier gradual tan in light is really easy to use and won't look streaky but will make you look 'healthy'.
A bit of hair oil in the ends makes hair look healthier and more polished.
I think it's great you are focusing on you, it will make a huge difference to how you feel ✨️

For underwear I can recommend Bravissimo, I have had amazing service in there and came out very happy.

As a first step go to Bravissimo or similar and get measured properly. Get at least 3 new bras.

Sorry I repeated what other posters have said.

Definitely get an appointment at Bravissimo or if not near you find a lingerie shop which caters to larger busted women.

Depending on where you go, you could buy a top or two and take it along with you to Bravissimo. I did this once with a top and a blouse that I wasn't sure would fit or look good and they helped me out with this finding a bra which works. If you see something which looks good (and they have a returns policy) then try it on. Maybe something like this to start with and maybe Autograph or plain M&S jeans, plain basics are always a really good start:

[[https://www.marksandspencer.com/pure-cashmere-v-neck-relaxed-jumper/p/clp60553304?color=NAVY&prevPage=srp#intid=pid_pg4pip35g4r9c1

[[https://www.marksandspencer.com/pure-cashmere-collared-knitted-top/p/clp60614384?color=BLACK&prevPage=srp#intid=pid_pg3pip48g4r10c3

Also, I was watching a style video today for older women (she's French) and she said she no longer wears underwired bras. I'm not going that far, to suggest that, but there are some really nice, comfy, non wired bralettes out there (M&S is one) which still give you shape, so what I do is alternate between these for when I'm in the office.

The only thing which irritated me with Bravissimo, they kept trying to sell me balconette or demi balconette bras. Which were great when I wanted them but sometimes I wanted more coverage or a t-shirt bra. I got these at a local lingerie shop which specialised in larger sizes.

Bobbi Brown do a signature makeup session for £60.00.

John Lewis personal styling is a free service with no obligation to buy. Even if you can't afford the clothes they suggest you will get an idea of what suits or doesn't, the colours that work for you, the styles and leg lengths etc. and then you can buy what you need from Sainsbury or Primark or wherever is within budget.

The one I see is really sweet and kind, very complimentary even though I'm not a model-shape, and found things for me that I would never have considered.

It's worth a go if you have John Lewis near you.

Shop online OP it's great . Most returns are free or return to shop for free. Do you follow any instagrammers or YouTubers . They have helped me enormously . There's lots out age with less than perfect bodies and faces and they are great for getting inspiration . I love 'I'm just me Marleen' on YouTube

Take a friend who looks like she has her shit together on a shopping trip. Try on loads of different things and get her to take photographs, and make a note of the sizing. You can then hunt for similar on vinted if money is tight, and you'll know what size you are in the main brands.

You don't need a wide and varied imaginitive on trend wardrobe to look good or well put together, especially if it's not something you enjoy. I find a pair of jeans that I like, and I buy three or four pairs and I repeat that when they wear out. I do the same with t-shirts, and I buy decent plain knitwear and replace when needed. Couple of knee length dresses for summer. Everything in neutral colours so I can chuck any of it on, and I don't have to work out if it "goes". Decent pair of boots for winter, decent pair of sandals for summer, decent pair of heels. If I then see something I like that can be added in fair enough, but the basics stay the same and I've always got something to wear, a bit like a "uniform". I like medium sized hoop earring, a chunky ring or two and plain chain. Bit of mascara, blusher and lipstick and I'm ready, although often a clean bare face I'm fine with as my brows and lashes are tinted.

Well done on the hair and the brows, keep going. You're not horrendous, but anyone is going to feel rubbish if you haven't had a wash whatever you wear, so a commitment to shower daily and always have clean hair would be a great start.