Let myself go

[bothfrumpyandgrumpy]

Someone I’ve known for a very long time pointed out - no malice - that I’ve let myself go. He’s right. I’ve had a really bad few years and I’ve stopped taking care of myself. I’m still in my 30s - I could look better than this and as I start to get my life back together, looking better would be a mood booster, TBH. He wasn’t being rude, just factual, and I do want to turn things around.

Any advice for how to be less of a frump? I was never that glamorous, but I looked better and was more confident for it.

Some examples of how I’ve let myself go:

I forgot how to wear heels during lockdown. (I think my feet have changed shape from being barefoot for a year!)

I’ve stopped wearing mascara as I keep poking myself in the eye and I was crying a lot anyway, so it seemed pointless.

I’ve been sad about sad things, so I’ve turned to comfort food and ordered far too many takeaways.

I let my hair air dry. No more blow dries or GHDs. And my hair type is not quite straight/not quite curly, so it needs more attention than that.

It goes on.

Please help me come up with a plan to look like a better version of me. I’m back to eating healthier from today, but I need help and suggestions with everything else. Simple routines, good products - what should I do that isn’t completely overwhelming?

I don't wear mascara, heels or blow dry my hair often. I will be damned if I let any man tell me I have let myself go. I wouldn't be so sure of the no malice.

I realise that's not helpful, but so fed up with the double standards for men.

Being a healthy weight is a good idea for your health; you can find lots of advice on the Weight Loss boards.

Actually, I have never worn heels, and post pandemic, hardly anyone I know or work with does. Why be uncomfortable for no reason?

He was being rude, dress and be how you want to be, fuck him.

You can still let your hair air dry, just use a product like Clever Curl to give a bit of definition.
Touch of eyeliner and a neutral cream eyeshadow, cream blush and lip gloss - quick and easy, but you’ve gussied up.
Put on clothes that you really like and feel good in.

I think the heels thing is a red herring, although wear them if you want to. They seem to have gone out of fashion in recent years. None of my younger colleagues wear them, either at work or when socialising. So if you like them, wear them, but don't think they are still seen as a standard of 'looking after yourself' and other such cheesy phrases that counteract the 'let yourself go' comment.

I think eating healthier is a great start. You'll feel better mentally and that will reflect on the outside.

What about a 'maintenance schedule' so cut/colour every few months (or whatever your hair needs) do your own nails and eyebrows every week or two, regular salon wax/home shave (whatever your preference) every X weeks and so on.

Full make up may be too much phaff if you aren't used to it (and I don't bother) so perhaps a single tinted moisturiser/bb/cc cream and cream blush??

I’ve never heard of Clever Curl - will that make a difference for someone like me whose hair is only barely curly? I’ve got the sort of hair which looks good if a hairdresser makes an effort and straightens it or curls it, but it just stays a bit frizzy when I don’t do anything.

It’s taken me decades to realise it’s not actually ‘straight’ but it’s also not that curly either, if you know the type I mean.

I haven’t worn heels in a long time, I know few women that do and none of them (or me) have let ourselves go. So I wouldn’t worry about that one! I’ve started wearing makeup again because I wanted to but for years I haven’t worn it and I don’t do mascara as my eyes are too sensitive. It’s about being comfortable in yourself, I would think about what would make you happier in your own skin and do that.

He says you've let yourself go because you no longer wear heels or mascara? Your hair is natural? You eat takeaways? He's not a friend, he's saying he wouldn't sleep with you anymore until he sees an improvement.

Have I got this right, a man told you that you ought to be wearing high heels?
If high heels were of benefit to the wearer I'm sure men would be wearing them!

I agree that you don’t need to wear heels (they’re not really fashionable anymore anyway) or mascara. It’s more the eating healthily, keeping your hair nice and wearing clothes that make you happy. Focus on the little things. Also it’s ok if you’ve let yourself go… you’re allowed to.

Your hair may be more curly than what you think! Mine is wavy more than curly. It enhanced by a good cut and enhancing the curl using the curly girl method which is good for waves as well. If that is not you, a good cut and a style that is easily maintained may be just what you need for a mood boost.
You absolutely do not need to wear heels. I have never worn them.

I let my hair air dry and it’s the healthiest it’s been! So long and healthy so when I do go out and make an effort , it looks lovely.

To make myself feel better and not so crappy i have an “everything” shower/bath every Friday. I’ll shave, wash my hair, moisturise, face mask etc etc

once a month I treat myself to my finger nails to be done (£30) - I do my toes myself! I have eyebrows wax (£15) and every 6-8 weeks I book myself in for a wet cut trim! (£25) - I am trying go grow my hair longer and natural hair.

I have stopped my eyelash extensions and I’m still sad about it lol!! But it’s expensive so for my make up day to day I use a day cream(Aldi), blush and bronze and mascara for my everyday make up! Less faff and then when I go out or want to feel even more fancy il use foundation.

I’m really short, so I’m one of those women who looks better in heels, but my feet don’t get on with them anymore. It might just be an age thing because I can’t stomp around in them outside anymore. It’s a shame, because they help balance out my shape (especially given I have excess weight).

He didn’t actually use the phrase ‘let yourself go’ but I knew what he meant, and he’s right. It’s the complete lack of effort on my part. I’ve stopped trying. I’m coming out the other side of multiple bereavements and I want to try again. Unlike what some of the other posters have suggested, this isn’t a man telling me to conform, it’s a man gently pointing out that I haven’t looked or acted like myself in a long time. I do actually really appreciate him being brave enough to tell me, as it made something click for me.

Diarising self-care sounds like a good idea. I do lose track of time and whatever I decide to do, ‘booking’ it in would help me stick to it. ☺️

I think it probably is, but I wasn’t sure if it was worth attempting the curly girl method for hair like mine. (It sounds similar to yours.)

Maybe I need to book in for a cut (I can’t remember the last time I had one) and look into the curly girl method. If nothing else, I think it’s a bit of a routine and I want to get used to spending time on myself again.

An "everything" Friday sounds superb. Thank you - I think that's something I can try.

My finger nails are terrible. Maybe I need to use some kind of strengthening varnish type thing on them until they grow long enough to warrant a manicure. There's an idea.

You know, I've never actually used blush/bronzer. I think I do have some samples somewhere. Is there a trick to using it without it looking well... really heavy handed and clown like?

I typically apply my foundation using my fingertips and a powder using a sponge. Is blush/bronzer a brush job?

Let go of the phrase 'letting yourself go' for starters. Misogynistic bullshit whether the phrase came from this guy or you!
Focus on what you actually want to do rather than what you 'should' do. If you want to wear heels more, start wearing them round the house to remind your body how to walk in them. If you want to do some tlc stuff then face masks, hair masks, doing your nails etc can all be nice, low effort ways to treat yourself.
Hair is always a great place to start, I think. Yours sounds similarish to mine. I always air dry, not because I have 'let myself go' but because I value more sleep above most things and it's better for it. A lot of layers, curl shampoo and curl gel takes mine from straight with a bit of a kink to actually quite wavy with very little effort. The cut is the key though. My hairdresser is expensive but I think it's worth it for something I wear every day.

Go get your eyebrows done (tint and wax) and book in at a hair salon for a cut and blow dry. You'll look and feel great!

I think you're right about focusing on what I'm eating, my hair and my clothes. At least my hair is the sort of hair that has the potential to look better if I bothered with it.

I've just been sad for such a long time, and I needed to let myself go to cope with all of the sad things. Now I'm starting to come through the other side, I feel like if I could just look better, it might help me draw a line under all the traumatic events and look forward.

Can I get my eyebrows done if I don't really have enough of them...? I've always wondered.

I've always had very sparse eyebrows (I promise I didn't pluck them off, I actually was born that way) and I need to draw bits on. Could a brow bar actually do something for me...?

The phrase came from me because it sums up how I feel about it all. I stopped prioritising myself and I feel a bit sad that it never once occurred to me to invest any time in looking after myself. I'm coming through the other side and starting to think, no, I deserve to spend time doing something just for me so I can feel good. It's just knowing where to start.

Can I ask what curl shampoo and curl gel you use? I've never used gel before so am intrigued by this.

Yes, my hair looks so much better with fresh layers. Getting a good cut seems to be the easiest suggestion so far with the biggest immediate impact.

No, it's one of the examples I came up with to show how I've stopped making an effort. He was mostly focussed on my hair and how I don't treat myself with new clothes anymore (and he knows I could afford to, I just haven't bothered).

I think I've probably done myself no favours with how I phrased my opening post - this isn't at all about a man telling me how to look and act because I don't meet his standards. This is about a man gently pointing out that I haven't been meeting my own standards, and it's OK for me to think about myself for once.

I'm actually a bit weepy saying that (again, why I've stopped wearing mascara). I've just had a rough time of it all and I want to shake things up so I stop dwelling on all those bad times. I want to look better, but the driving reason for that is because I want to feel better. I guess the way I look at the moment is just so indicative of the way I've been feeling.

Start with a healthier diet and some exercise. You don't need to do much to start with, a walk around the block maybe? Then start walking faster and for a little longer. Build up slowly. Or try stretching or yoga. Have a search on YouTube for some beginners tutorials. And drink more. Keep hydrated. Then your skin will look and feel so much better.

If you're short, try shoes or trainer's with a thick, chunky sole or shoes with a block heel. Much easier to stomp around in. They'll give you a couple of extra inches.

Book a regular hair appointment. Always book your next appointment before you leave the salon. And stick to it.

Ask for expensive perfumes for birthdays and Christmas. Build up a wonderful fragrance library and spray on the one you most feel like that day each time you go out.

Lastly, ditch the so-called 'friend'.

He was being rude, who the fuck is this guy? Does he have manicured hands and heels?

You know your friend was making the criticism in support of you and his intentions were good, so don't feel like you need to explain it.
It might be shallow; I'm sure it is, and I'm sure we should all be spiritually evolved enough to not mind how we look, but hey, it makes a massive difference to how we feel if we look good. It's not healthy to neglect ourselves, and everybody has their own standard where they feel good; some people are just better groomed than others.

You need to lose the weight; being overweight can be such a downward drag and eating badly can make us feel terrible. Start by eating a few raw veg per day (right now!) as a snack and build up from there. Also get yourself active, maybe if you're not in the groove, take yourself for a daily walk to start with.
Eyebrows can look completely different if you have them coloured and shaped even if they're thin. I would caution against any tattooing or the like although I've seen some pretty good micro blading.
Agree with other posters re curly girl method,

I agree that heels aren't necessarily the way ahead, maybe they're good for special occasions?

You sound like you're on a new path. Very best of luck! X

Thank you - I'll look into the brow bar thing then as a bit of definition with my brows actually does more for my eyes than mascara/eyeshadow/eyeliner.

The weight is frustrating as I know how to eat better and enjoy it, I've just been mindlessly eating and comfort eating whilst I've been emotionally numb. At least I know it's fixable. I agree I need to lose it. I think the extra weight is the single most factor that is currently making me not feel like myself.

And thanks for just getting it. ❤️ I hope it is a new path. x