Let myself go

[bothfrumpyandgrumpy]

Someone I’ve known for a very long time pointed out - no malice - that I’ve let myself go. He’s right. I’ve had a really bad few years and I’ve stopped taking care of myself. I’m still in my 30s - I could look better than this and as I start to get my life back together, looking better would be a mood booster, TBH. He wasn’t being rude, just factual, and I do want to turn things around.

Any advice for how to be less of a frump? I was never that glamorous, but I looked better and was more confident for it.

Some examples of how I’ve let myself go:

I forgot how to wear heels during lockdown. (I think my feet have changed shape from being barefoot for a year!)

I’ve stopped wearing mascara as I keep poking myself in the eye and I was crying a lot anyway, so it seemed pointless.

I’ve been sad about sad things, so I’ve turned to comfort food and ordered far too many takeaways.

I let my hair air dry. No more blow dries or GHDs. And my hair type is not quite straight/not quite curly, so it needs more attention than that.

It goes on.

Please help me come up with a plan to look like a better version of me. I’m back to eating healthier from today, but I need help and suggestions with everything else. Simple routines, good products - what should I do that isn’t completely overwhelming?

Get some cool trainers or boots to stomp around in, I'd be looking at trainers in a nice colour for spring.

12 weekly hair appointments seem to be pivotal for me, if I stop doing that I get all out of sorts and stop doing anything else.

Some cuticle oil and some clear nail varnish to help the nails. I honestly don't know how much difference the oil makes but it smells lovely and is a nice little ritual to massage it in then use hand cream.

Try to start thinking about food as nourishment as well as comfort. Taking the time to make a pot of soup is an act of self care, I am worth the time it takes.

For both mental and physical health I find walking very effective. If there is somewhere easy you can go to be out in nature for a bit it can help a lot. I would be out for hours but appreciate that's not for everyone.

I mostly don't dry my hair because I can't be bothered. But if I do want the wavy/frizz to look better I use a babyliss big hair. It's a brush that rotates and makes it very easy to dry it so it looks reasonable. For someone who is both lazy and cack-handed it works wonders.

Brow bar for dye of brows and lashes ( mascaras issue solved). It will make a massive difference. Decent haircut and yes to curly girl, straighteners aren't great for tour hair anyway. Maintain your nails - it doesn't need to be polish but do file them. Those are all quick fixes. Next eat healthier and lots of water. That will be a mid term fix. See how you go. If you feel better in yourself keep it up, if it's too much of a faff and you're happier as you are that's fine too. It sounds like you're not though.

Don't try to go back to before. Create a stylish version of who you are now. Zero need to wear heels. Find trainers, flat boots, sandals, ballet pumps, loafers etc that work with your new look. If you want a bit of height with a party dress, look into platform wedges with a low incline to the heel.

Do you need mascara? (I do - people with dark eyelashes don't realise people with translucent eyelashes look shattered, ill, sad without it) If you do, either get the hang of it again - waterproof to avoid problems with crying (Maybelline Colossal waterproof is good for not flaking) or get your lashes professionally tinted, and get your brows waxed or threaded and tinted if needed, at the same time. Good brows transform a face.

Add some colour to your wardrobe. Work with your eye, hair and skin tones to decide what will look good. A good block colour coat, silk shirt and sweater will give you three options that look like you care, whatever else you are wearing.

Just start blowdrying your hair again. Make that the one thing from before that becomes a routine again. Maybe get a new cut and ask how to dry it then follow those instructions.

Exercise. Two tough one-hour sessions and one gentle one each week, as minimum.
For tough, go for bootcamp, running, HIIT, weightlifting, hot yoga or a fast paced aerobic or dance class.
For gentle - normal yoga, pilates, village hall-style zumba,swimming, cycling, a good walk.

@persisted - what cuticle oil do you use please?

Sounds like you've been through a really tough time and deserve some pampering. Perhaps you should start with the belief that you deserve to be looked after (by yourself). Have you looked at other things that could help switch your mindset? Gentle things like taking up peaceful hobbies (crafts, jigsaws, whatever) and planning in some nice things to look forward to, or to do with friends. The rest might follow.

Try to shift your thinking. It isn't letting yourself go - which sounds like a sort of failure in your part - it's just life chucking far too much shit stuff at you - which is clearly not your fault. It sounds like you've been in survival mode for some time.
I use the Umberto Giannini range. Boots usually has 3 for 2 on them in the travel size, if you wanted stop see how they go. The gel scrunches in and gives you slightly crunchy curls that you can further scrunch when it dries to get rid of the crunch. There are loads of curl cream products out there too but I think they'd weigh my hair down.
I'm a fan of low effort, maximum reward when it comes to stuff like this. Perfume always lifts my mood so I wear it even for at home on the sofa days. Tinted lip balms make me look a bit more awake and a bit more 'done' so I always have one in my bag. Find whatever gives you a bit of a well needed hug and do that!

I feel like you do OP

Regardless of whether the like make an idiotic comment or not, I think it's fair to say the op is asking for help.

You should:

Lose weight
Eat more vegetables
Drink more water
Use a drop of fake tan on your face every day
Wear light makeup
Exercise outside
Wear well fitting clothes that suit you.

I'm sure he doesn't wear heels or mascara either. I hope you told him you judge him for that.

You should lose weight and use fake tan? Does the OP actually say she's overweight, or pale and unhappy about being pale?

I got fed up wearing mascara so started doing an eyelash perm at home . Makes a huge difference

If you're looking at making some improvements (for yourself and no one else.) There are lots of little things you can do that take very little time and effort and money. Supermarkets have very good low cost skincare.
I keep multiple lip balm and hand cream everywhere, bathrooms/ bedside table/ handbag/ desk drawer and reapply many times a day. I cleanse, tone and moisterise, eye cream at night. Morning shower with soap and exfoliating body sponge and softer exfoliating facial sponge, takes minutes and soft skin. Quick body oil spray and day face cream and you're set for the day. I wear perfume everyday even if I'm not leaving the house.
I'll wash my hair in the evening so I have time to dry my hair, I have wavy hair too. Sometimes I'll blow it straight or scrunch and diffuse it curly.
I'm working on my nutrition and prioritising the gym which has done wonders for my weight and mental health.
If you're feeling sad, you are 100% allowed to feel that, embrace it. You can love yourself at the same time, a nice hair appt, massage, lash/ brow appt, manicure, pedicure, shopping for new clothes that will make you feel amazing.

Oh and a nice bottle of water to sip all day, one beside my bed and one downstairs. Great for the brain, skin and digestion.

I like Aveda and Redken curl products, but Umberto Giannini works almost as well if you use an oil or milk whilst your hair is soaking and then curl cream/gel once you've squeezed a little of the water out.

I'd agree with a PP about walking; DH and I try to get a short walk in 3-4 evenings each week and a longer walk once a week (we drop DS off at an activity and walk for 90 minutes). I found 10 minute HIIT routines really good for getting into better shape last year. I let them go after I lost my mum but now the weather is getting better, I need to pick that up again.

And I love heels! I don't care that hardly anyone else wears them.

Just a quick note re mascara, try tubing mascara, Clinique do a good one. I can't wear normal mascara due to smudging but tubing lasts all day without a smudge.

I recently bought an online stylist/colour analysis service and it has been really helpful in guiding me what shapes/colours of clothes to wear, putting outfits together that suit me and look like they go, and advice on the best tones of hair and makeup. I feel like I know what I’m doing when shopping now and people have commented that I look stylish for the first time ever!

Yeah.... agree with this.

None of the things you have mentioned sound like letting yourself go.

I literally know no-one who wears heels anymore.

If you are looking for non daily maintenance lashes you could get them tinted/extensions

i am glad you are feeling happier and everyone needs a refresh sometimes so think of it as that. Focussing on your health is the bedrock- nutritious food, drink water, exercise and you’ll feel better. I don’t agree with some of the comments here - I think if we present the best version of ourselves physically we do in this - very physical world - feel better as we are reacted to differently. Right or wrong that is the truth of it.

if I were you I would see if you can get a beauty demonstration - say a Charlotte tilbury or a Bobbi brown makeup class near you - and they’ll help you find good products and teach you how to apply it. Equally go to a hairdresser and ask them for a restyle - what colour and cut would they recommend? with your clothes you can do the same - John Lewis does a shopping experience where someone can help you choose things that suit you. Block heel boots are good if you want to try heels again but if not just look for elegant flats - think veja trainers, ballet pumps and loafers etc.

for your eyebrows you can get serum to help them grow, and see someone to have the sparse bits tinted to make them look thicker. Makeup will also help if that’s something you want to do.

enjoy the glow up - it should be really fun to treat yourself!

I've got one from essie at the moment, apricot oil.

I understand. Good for you making the change, I will try too! (FWIW DD said the same to me, it is not necessarily this man being mean, it could well be out of love/concern)

I know exactly what you mean. You want to feel more ‘yourself’ after a difficult time, haven’t we all had a difficult time over the past few years, sometimes it seems the whole nation’s exhausted. Its great that you see some light at the end of the tunnel now, well done.

I retired (at 50) 3 years ago - I’ve put three stone on, stopped wearing makeup and hardly ever get dressed because there’s nothing to get dressed for and I don’t recognise myself with the extra weight. I still do my hobbies and keep the house running but with never needing to go out…meh.

Eating better (on a strict diet for now) and diarising self care has been a wonderful start for me. I bought some lovely gentle skincare and treated myself to new makeup and make sure I use them.

Sundays are nice bath and body care. Cleanser, serum and moisturiser twice a day and concealer, cream blush, brow pencil and a cheerful pink lipstick (because I enjoy putting it on!) every day takes five minutes and makes me feel ready to ‘do something’ with the rest of my day. I don’t wear mascara because I have very, very few eyelashes due to a serious allergic reaction when I was 20 so I’ve never cared about that!

I have my first hair appointment in four years next Friday!

The weather has been so bad in Scotland that walking every day hasn’t happened yet but I’m looking forward to lighter evenings. I’m not there yet but as things improve I’m hoping to soon feel like I can make some plans for my future. As I hope you will.

And you know what - even after having said all that - whatever man told you to buck your ideas up can fuck off. He’s not your friend.

It sounds like you're looking in the mirror and criticising every aspect of your hair, face and body. You don't need to turn back time and you don't need to reinvent yourself. Your body has carried you through some hard times in the past few years. Respect it.

No one wears heels anymore, just no-one.

If you're going to buy yourself some new clothes, buy them for the size you are now. You are valuable and deserve nice clothes, big or small. Take a look at high street websites, like River Island for an idea of what's currently fashionable, put together a capsule wardrobe of nice but fairly inexpensive stuff while you gravitate towards a look you like and feel comfortable wearing. There are some very knowledgeable posters on this board who can help you with this.

A nice thing to do would be to give your nails a polish. Short nails are more fashionable now, so you don't need to wait for them to grow. Put on a nice ring or bracelet and you can enjoy looking at them all day. Apply some nice body lotion and perfume to make yourself feel loved.

Clever Curl is an Australian product, which is why I didn’t link. As another poster said, it’s a curly hair product. When I use it my wavy hair curls.
This is about taking care of yourself, not trying to look good for other people.
It’s giving yourself a bit extra, a boost.
A nice moisturiser, a bit of colour on your face - taking a few minutes to attend to yourself.
Cream blushes have a soft effect and you only need a tiny dab. If it looks too heavy, wipe it off. Trinny London has stuff that’s meant to bung on quickly, my skin but better.
If wearing heels makes you feel good, then pop on a pair with your jeans. If you don’t want to, buy a pair of nice loafers or trendy runners. Something that makes you feel good.

To a lesser degree I've just done the same, shite couple of years I sort of turned in on myself and only now am I ooking outward again. So I wanted my outward self to look a little bit brighter. If that makes sense

My version of Everything Friday is actually Monday morning, I don't work that day, kids head off to school and I head back to the bathroom for face mask, deep condition and/or purple shampoo, body scrub etc. How much difference each thing makes I'm not sure and I hate the phrase but the carved out time for 'self-care' has become quite important to setting up my week.

Absolutely agree with quick wins being a good haircut, eyelash lift and tint - mine are pale and sparse, so this means I don't have to wear make up during the day and then I use tubing mascara for a night out. Then better diet, more sleep, and more water and if nothing else a walk outside every day make a huge difference physically and mentally.

The thing not mentioned yet I don't think was do a huge clear out of clothes, life moves on so do the clothes you like. So screw the heels if they are uncomfortable. Equally if you've holes in your leggings and stains on your teeshirt get rid. But for me the best was the decision to never leave anything for best, if I own it I should wear it. I also try to make sure I wear an outfit every day (well most days!) Now that might only be jeans and a tee shirt, but I'd fallen into the habit of pulling on leggings and a hoodie every day and need to break that so when I say outfit I mean something I took time - even just a couple of minutes - to think about and not just what I pulled off the chair by my bed!

Sorry to hear you've been through a tough time OP. When you're going through the mill, self-care slips down on the list of priorities. When I was struggling with my mental health a few years ago, the thing that did wonders was the GP exercise on prescription programme. As I got physically stronger, I felt more grateful for the body that I have. I also did classes that helped me de-stress (e.g. yoga and tai chi). Videos at home might be worth a go to e.g. yoga with Adriene or .

Joining a hiking group was great - I find being in nature grounding and soothing.

Much later down the line came the style/beauty overhaul. Top three things were: teeth whitening; professional eyebrow shape; and a trip to the hairdressers. These made a huge difference (I rarely wear makeup but feel groomed when these three things are in order).

Good luck!