What can I do to feel and look better, I’m rather ugly

[blackheartsgirl]

I Need help, really I do . I’m 47 this year and im done both physically and mentally, in 2.5 years ive lost my husband, my aunt and in late November 2023 i lost my mum. I was married for 8 days (had a hospital wedding before dh died of cancer) ive developed
aheart condition, have high blood pressure, put on 3 stone and have bad knees, joints and vitiligo and adhd and ptsd. (My kids also have issues)

I am on meds but my life is an absolute mess. I look terrible, my teeth are terrible, my hair is thick an frizzy with greys coming though, I’m pale because of the vitiligo and my face flushes a lot, my clothes are crappy because no matter what. I wear nothing fits properly, as I’m 5
foot 7 with a long waist that’s fat. I’m ugly and weird looking. Oh and eyebrows
legit look like hairy caterpillars.

i don’t have a lot of money for anything other than a decent cut, i have to rely on box dyes because to keep dying my hair every month would bankrupt me, i can’t afford decent skin care or expensive clothes or my nails done so i suppose what im asking is what simple things can i do to make myself look and feel better that isn’t going to cost the earth.

please be Kind, im already low.

Could you tackle your eyebrows yourself (or get them shaped properly professionally). It really does make an enormous difference to your face. You’re lucky if they’re full. Lots of people plucked theirs to death in their youth.

id then tackle your diet and try to lose some weight. That’s probably the thing that will have the biggest impact.

Losing weight and exercising will have the biggest impact. I have lost 4 stone and exercise 3-4times a week and feel so much better. More energy, less sluggish and i'm more productive.
You may find that your clothes are better when you're slimmer too.
You don't need expensive skin care just try to moisturise and wear spf daily. You can get decent moisturiser for under £10.
Also try to be a bit kinder on yourself. You've had a tough time.

Yeah I could ring try that as a first port of call, I’ll try and find an appointment somewhere. I hate my eyebrows . Always have

I think once I go back to work on Monday it will make me feel more motivated , I’ve been on the sick since November.

six years ago I lost so much weight, I had a partner, and life, I walked up mountains and I was happy.

have to rebuild now

Eyebrows, for sure! Start there.

I'm so sorry OP.

Definitely start with the eyebrows and a good haircut! That will make such a difference.

As others have said, weight loss will make a dig difference to how you look and feel, and you don't need money to do it.

If you have a spare hour, you can get your eyebrows transformed at a salon as a one-off and buy a pot of moisturiser and a sachet/pot of hair moisturising treatment from a supermarket to use at home. It would probably make you feel 10 x better instantly.

Handcream, an emery board and some clear nail varnish are another quick boost. Cleaning and polishing any shoes or boots helps enormously. I'd do all these before starting your new job, just for added confidence. If there's anyway you can keep these small things these up regularly, you won't have as far to go if you want to spruce up a bit further on occasion. It's a bit less overwhelming! 😁

Please don't worry or be so tough on yourself! A short walk outdoors everyday and a coffee in a nice cafe, or visiting a gallery, bookshop (or wherever takes your fancy( just once a week could be part of your beauty prescription too.

Congrats on your job - exciting!

Do one thing a day. Eg

day 1 get eyebrows done and start diet
day 2 file and paint nails (fingers and toes) this is not a job that needs a professional. Start using hand cream every night.
day 3 apply a face mask and a hair mask (doesn’t need to be expensive - honey and soluble aspirin is a good one for face and coconut oil is good for hair). Start putting moisturiser on every night (Nivea is fine).
day 4 dye hair (and book a cut if you can afford it)
day 5 do a full body scrub in the bath (sugar will work if you don’t have a scrub) and apply body cream/oil everywhere.
day 6 sort out make up bag and work out what you have/need and learn a couple of new techniques using instagram- it’s so easy to access tutorials.

day 7 sort underwear and throw away everything holey, badly fitting or depressing. Better to only have four pairs of nice knickers and two bras than loads of rubbish.
day 8- same with clothes. A few good things that suit you are better than loads of cheap shit.
day 9 start a daily ten minute meditation (YouTube/instagram) - might be better to put this earlier in the schedule
day 10 buy and apply a really light self tanning product. Just enough to give you a healthy glow.
day 11 start a 15 minute YouTube daily yoga
day 12 buy and use a teeth whitening product like crest white strips (do not buy hismile, it’s a scam)
day 13 start tackling sleep patterns. You should be starting to sleep better anyway due to increased exercise and diet changes. Work out how much slept you’re getting and make sure it’s at least eight hours which is the crucial period. Change your bedtime if necessary to get into a good sleep pattern. Tidying your room to create a nice sanctuary helps massively.
day 14 start taking a decent multivitamin and go on a long walk.
repeat and continue, adding new things as you go.

within two weeks you’ve started various new habits - diet, exercise, meditation, nightly moisturising, vitamins and you should be starting to look and feel better.

@cloudtree

That's amazing!
You legend 🦸‍♀️

That’s brilliant thank you so much, that’s given me a focus and a starting point, I can definitely start with the eyebrows and I do have some clear nail polish somewhere and I do have some
moisturiser that can do for now.

i am so tired all the time, i do wonder if im iron and b12 deficient again, im in peri and im having some heavy periods at the moment and ive struggled with low iron for most of my life so that needs looking into.

@confusedbythesystem thank you also , im not starting a new job, i was just on the sick from my current job, only clean in a school,
nothing exciting lol but i still have to look vaguely presentable so good plan to aim to look a bit better going back to work. You are right that i have to start getting out for walks and fresh air, hopefully will help

Firstly, please don't be so hard on yourself. You've been through a hell of a tough time - and I bet you don't look nearly as bad as you think you do.

It sounds like your eyebrows really bother you so I'd start with those. It doesn't cost a lot to get them shaped, and when you've had them done once you'll know what shape you're aiming for so can keep on top of them yourself with tweezers.

Other than that, I'd start with a few simple changes that are sustainable over the long term. Maybe a daily walk, drinking more water, improving one meal or snack at a time (e.g. if your breakfast tends to be sugary cereal or white toast, swap it for porridge or sourdough toast with fruit). When those are ingrained (after a few weeks) then gradually add more good habits - a healthier lunch, a skincare routine, an exercise class, for example.

Clothes-wise, it can be tempting to not buy anything until you've lost weight. But I think you'll feel a lot better if you have a few outfits that fit and suit you now. Go through what you've got and see what you can put together. Decide what else you need and try and find it second hand (Vinted, eBay, FB market place, charity shops). In my area there are various Facebook groups called [name of town] Eco Community, where things (often really lovely things) are given away free of charge - see if there's anything like that where you are. If you're not sure what suits you, the style and beauty board on here is great for suggestions.

Good luck with going back to work.

Thank you very much,
I’ve just took the dog for a slow 2 mile walk and charged up my Apple Watch, got back and made scrambled eggs on toast with a glass of orange juice, I’ve restarted my iron and b12 tablets which I’ve found at the back of the cupboard, so it’s a start. Going to make an appointment to get my eyebrows shaped now.

I was a mess in 2020. Lockdown plus peri. Gained 3 stone in 9 months. Eyebrows disappeared.
Tried daily HIIT and low carb for 6 months - no results! I couldn’t get into ketosis no matter how few carbs I ate. I was constantly weighing myself and peeing on sticks. Body not cooperating at all. I was at 5’2 almost 13 stone and looked appalling. Thought I had some sort of thyroid disease but bloods came up normal.

The answer, finally from mid 2021 when I’d consumed every weight loss book in the world, was intermittent fasting. This is where you only eat in a time window each day (16-8 or 18-6 but no strict routine) and hot yoga. The fasting I learned about from Gin Steephens. Her podcast is fab, and free. It saves money if you skip one meal a day too. I also think I have ADHD and the benefit of IF is there is no system for me to fail at or forget about or even hyperfocus on. No counting calories. No scales. No wee sticks.

The benefits:

Dropped from size 14-16 to a comfortable 10. (I don’t know what I weigh.) I am still because of my height and build not exactly thin. Just plump enough not to have a lot of wrinkles. I am nearing 50. This feels fine.

Toned up - even with yoga 2x a week only (do YouTube vids if can’t afford a studio or lack time) my body in IF builds muscle. I wear sleeveless tops now and have toned shoulders. I look fine in a swimsuit and have no cellulite anymore.

Really improved skin. Thicker hair and nails. I just look younger and more glowy. I was recently asked when I would turn 40.

No worries about the rest of the family not joining in or having to cook separate meals because I am on ‘a diet.’ They know I generally don’t eat breakfast and have a late lunch. If I had a child at risk of eating disorder I may not IF but I have luckily some boys who are not interested in who eats what when or why.

It’s flexible. Not when I was losing initially and was rigid about working up from 12-12 to 19-5. But now. If I’m feeling lean or am on hols I might eat/drink wine 9am-9pm. Post Xmas I shrunk my eating window to 3-4 hours and lost a lot of puff quickly. I eat clean-ish mostly so don’t rush to McD’s in time for feeding time. But at the start I did, figuring it was better to get body used to the fasting than worry what was being eaten. I still lost that first stone within a few months. The second two were much more gradual.

Mental agility: I know if I feel a bit peckish outside my eating window it won’t last. This is a good brain/mood exercise - sitting with discomfort in the knowledge everything is temporary.

I never advise anyone to do IF as what do I know about anyone else’s physiology. Oh yes, nothing. But I do enjoy sharing the story of my success with it and I think the wider lesson here is just keep trying things until you hit your groove.

Best of luck.

(Should clarify whoops that I did confirm a 3 stone weight loss with IF but I don’t know what I weigh now. My scales broke haha.)

I'd bet you look better than you think.

Might it help to look for an appearance role model that is closer to who you actually are? So instead of someone super groomed and glossy someone who pulls off looking a bit scruffy? Helrna Bonham Carter, Caitlin Moran, Zaha Hadid, Sandi Toksvig, Claire Balding, and the glorious broads insta all spring to mind.

I'd get a watch to help with 10,000 steps a day. Then increase it to 15,000 then 20,000. I promise you, you ll feel so much better. Eat off a smaller bowl/plate and make sure half ofnitnis vegetables. After a year you'll look and feel so different. Keep using the box dyes, but buy Moroccan oil to use every night. The eyebrows are cheap to have done at the salon. Buy some new pyjamas and leggings/tops. The excerise alone will save you from feeling despair.

Intermittent fasting definitely helps.

Eyebrows and losing weight are both excellent ideas.
sport would be good for making you feel better about yourself too (something your joints would cope with - maybe start with walking?).
an appt with the doctor to see whether you are in peri/menopause and discuss possible help with that.
As someone of the same age as you, the thing that had the biggest effect on me was not box dying my hair any more. I did not have time not money to go to the hairdresser for dye so I embraced the grey. It does not make me look older, in fact it makes my skin tone look much better - less washed out. Perhaps you could try it and use the money you are saving from not buying box dyes to get a really good cut (shorter had a good effect on me).
good luck.

Sorry you’ve had such a tough time OP

Superdrug is great for own-brand basics that are cheap but work. The vitamin e range is really good - day (with spf) and night creams for neck, and face if your skin is dry (and if ok to use with vitiligo). The body moisturiser that comes in a big tub or pump bottle is lovely.

Drink plenty of water.

Magnesium could really help too - it gets depleted by stress and anxiety. Try a basic supplement and/or Epsom salts baths. You can get epsom salts quite cheaply at pound shops or Amazon.

@blackheartsgirl if someone else had written what you put in your opening paragraph, would you reply to them saying that they're ugly, fat, weird looking, and have a job that's not exciting? You deserve more than you can see right now. I can completely see why you feel like you do, but look at what you've had to carry!

I'd go and find an empty park, hill, green space and just bloody well scream and shout at the world for what the last few years have landed on you. Then, take a deep breath, shoulders back, and go and get your eye brows done.

Also, never downplay your job. Staff who are around as classrooms empty have a key safeguarding role to play - what they find left behind, who doesn't want to leave school etc. and post-Covid you have a key infection control role too. It's a key job at your school.

Focus on health rather than looks and your mental well-being will vastly improve. Stress shows on every part of your body including your face and posture.

Sort out the weight first and find an exercise that you enjoy and can keep up for life.

Walking/hiking in the outdoors is a great stress reliever and brings the benefit of reducing stress.

So sorry that you have had such a hard time.

I am the first to turn to appearance and beauty routines because I have always been a bit of an addict for products etc, but, perhaps it would be worth returning to your dr and asking for some blood tests just to check your thyroid and make sure you are not deficient in iron etc. And if meds aren't helping then perhaps a change or an increase.

I know this is style and beauty but your insides matter more and affect your outside very much, as does your mental state.

Tip for finding a cheap hairdresser - call around your local salons and ask if they have any students in training that need models! It will be a faction of the price and you still get the full salon experience. For example I got a full head of highlights and a cut for £40, which would usually be over £200!!
I'm sure if you slowly start working through all these little things that you hate, you'll slowly start to feel a bit more positive. Good luck.

An eyebrow tint and wax is so cheap, less than £20. And will last a good few months!
And then once you have the shape defined, you can then keep on top of them yourself with tweezers and a brow colour pencil. Easy I promise.

While I agree that no doubt losing weight will make you feel better and more confident, be careful not to let everything hinge on that. "Just lose weight" is one of the worst pieces of advice people give (not been said on this thread, but you do see it a lot). You only need to look at the weight loss threads to know it isn't as simple as that for everyone.

Anyway, you also don't see instant results with weight loss, so it can be deflating getting on the scales to see you've only lost half a pound after a week of being really 'good'.

Do I think focusing on habits such as regular dental care, flossing, getting exercise, getting lots of fruit and veg into your diet etc etc are easier to measure as you can mark off whem you reached your goals (eg, exercise three times a week for an hour) without relying on something external like the bathroom scales to validate your new good habits.

Also, instant fixes for me are a good blow dry, nails done, good body scrub and body lotion, a facial maybe and some new makeup (after watching tutorials in my case as I don't know what I'm doing)!