What can I do to feel and look better, I’m rather ugly

[blackheartsgirl]

I Need help, really I do . I’m 47 this year and im done both physically and mentally, in 2.5 years ive lost my husband, my aunt and in late November 2023 i lost my mum. I was married for 8 days (had a hospital wedding before dh died of cancer) ive developed
aheart condition, have high blood pressure, put on 3 stone and have bad knees, joints and vitiligo and adhd and ptsd. (My kids also have issues)

I am on meds but my life is an absolute mess. I look terrible, my teeth are terrible, my hair is thick an frizzy with greys coming though, I’m pale because of the vitiligo and my face flushes a lot, my clothes are crappy because no matter what. I wear nothing fits properly, as I’m 5
foot 7 with a long waist that’s fat. I’m ugly and weird looking. Oh and eyebrows
legit look like hairy caterpillars.

i don’t have a lot of money for anything other than a decent cut, i have to rely on box dyes because to keep dying my hair every month would bankrupt me, i can’t afford decent skin care or expensive clothes or my nails done so i suppose what im asking is what simple things can i do to make myself look and feel better that isn’t going to cost the earth.

please be Kind, im already low.

Another vote for intermittent fasting paired with exercise. Costs nothing - you actually save money!
youtube tutorials great for eyebrows etc if you need to do them yourself.
also try local salons to see if any of them offer training cuts/ colours - these can be really cheap like £5-£10 and you can get a really good result from them!
exercise will make so much difference to your mental health. If you hate jumping around and feel out of breath try weights first to build some muscle before you build in cardio - This was a game changer for me and really changed my shape and how I felt about myself.
Yoga also amazing for mental health and your relationship with your body.
Good luck OP and be kind to yourself

Just wanting to send a message of support. I'm so sorry for all your grief and difficulties, that must be ever so hard.

Well done for deciding to focus on your own wellbeing, that's absolutely the best thing you can do right now.

I'd suggest that you set small goals so you don't get overwhelmed or discouraged.

Start with getting your eyebrows professionally shaped, they really do make a difference. But don't go to ine of those places that leave you with two big black curves! Do your research on this one.

Teeth - there are lots of teeth whitening products that are inexpensive and effective. Not the powders, go for whitening steips. I've used colgate and crest and they're brilliant.

Nails - just keep them clean and nicely cut. You can get vinyl wraps now which people say work well and are much cheaper than getting manicures. You'll want to have a few practices but you will figure it out. Be patient with yourself as it sounds like it's been a while since you've spent any time devoted to grooming.

Hair - a good cut does wonders. I know that cost might be an issue though. Mostly what helps is to have the ends tidied as they can split and frizz etc.

When you next have a few pounds to spare, pick up a nice hair conditioning product, a leave-in one. There are lots of frizz-taming products available. In the meantime, next couple of times you wash you hair, leave the conditioner in. It'll have to be a day when you're at home for a few hours! But just wash, condition, don't rinse, towel dry, comb and let it dry off.

Weight - I feel like this shouldn't be a focus for you, it's too punitive. I think that as you start to do small things for yourself, your self esteem will grow and you'll naturally eat a bit less.

However, definitely make time to exercise. Make it a non-negotiable. 30mins walk a day until its such a habit that you can easily walk for longer. Try to work up to an hour a day. It can be split across two outings eg half an hour walk from bus stop to office and half an hour back. The thing is to develop new, healthier habits.

If you don't have trainers, make it a priority to invest in some as it'll help to make the walking enjoyable - and keep you steady/comfortable.

You don't need a gym membership or a yoga instructor; walking is brilliant.

That said, the other thing to work into your daikh routine is some sort of mindfulness whether 5mins meditation 🧘‍♀️ or 15mins yoga or just sitting quietly looking out the window (preferably at nature!)

All the above are low cost and effective ways to improve your wellbeing.

And once they become habitual, your motivation will grow and you'll be naturally inclined to do things that are good for you.

Food - a good way to start is to limit the number of junky foods you stick in the shopping trolley. If there not in the house, you can't eat them!

Digesting sugary and chemically-laden foods saps a lot of nutrients so if you are able to cut down, you'll notice you feel more alert and energetic.

Sleep - try to keep a fixed bedtime and wake-up time. Doing so helps your body recognise when it us rest time and your sleep will be more restorative.

Skin care - I just stick to a cleanse (cetaphil soap and water), tone (micellar water) and moisturise (nivea) routine and my skin is good. A lot of it is genetic but skin tone definitely improves when you're exercising, sleeping well and drinking plenty of water. The expensive products do little that a simple routine can't do.

All the best to you. And remember, you're worth it.x

I think you’re probably being a bit hard on yourself, which is understandable given what you d been through, but I would pick one thing at a time to make yourself feel better. If you’re low on energy start some low intensity exercise first and you’ll start to feel better, then maybe watch some YouTube videos on how to blow dry your hair yourself so it’s not frizzy and so on.

Great to see you’ve started to care for yourself more already.
Keep going OP I’m rooting for you ❤️

Vitiligo is linked with other auto-immune conditions and from what you've said it sounds like you could potentially have celiac disease, hashimotos or RA. I'm no doctor obviously but the joint pain, face flushing, heart condition, weight gain, vitamin deficiencies, tiredness and depression stand out from your post and make me think there's potentially something more going on here.

I have auto-immune conditions myself and the key is to eat an anti-inflammatory diet (no gluten, sugar, dairy, processed foods, alcohol etc), take probiotics and vitamin D and minimise stress.

The advice on here is well meaning but if you DO have other conditions then you really need to see the doctor and radically change your diet in order to feel ok.

Regardless of the auto-immune side of things, you should still be eating well as a form of self-love. Sounds like you've been through hell this year. Take care of yourself.

Totally agree @Drinkinggreentea that eating healthily can be "an act of self love". But I also think it's important to differentiate between a habit (eating well) and something about you that people think you need to change to be acceptable looking (your weight). It doesn't mean op won't lose weight by eating healthily though. I'm sure she will.

Excuse the tangent! Felt that needed to be clarified.

I also had no idea about the autoimmune conditions! Good advice to go to the GP.

Aim to drink 2 litres of water a day too, it'll do wonders for your skin. Vitamin D can also help aching joints and we should all be taking it through the winter.

I’m a widow and I think for the first few years (well for me
anhwwy) you stop really caring about any of these things then suddenly you look in the mirror and think crikey 😂😂 I certainly did.

I like you don’t have much money either but I would recommend focusing on diet, walking, good hair cut and try and get some statement clothes that you know look good. Get your confidence up first no need to go overboard when you have so much other stuff going on too. One step at a time x

I’m so sorry life is very hard for you at the moment OP. I’m very sorry for your recent losses. Well done for trying to find ways to improve things. That’s the main step. I’d say small and simple routines can help you feel you are making progress and could be the thing ti focus on for now.

I agree with PP about eyebrows- I have mine threaded in a shopping centre (some Superdrug’s also do them). It costs me £6 and I only do it every couple of months- my hair seems to have stopped growing 😬, so you might need to do it more but as PP say, once you have a good shape you can keep on top of it. It always makes a difference.

I also agree with a PP about fasting. It really doesn’t have to be extreme. I’m currently eating in an eight hour window. As I’m on holiday at the moment, this is between about 12-8. This is partly to offset the Christmas indulgence but also it gives me energy and it’s meant to be good for our digestion. There are several podcasts about its effectiveness (if you haven’t the time or energy for reading)

I’m ploughing through soup recipes at the moment. They are so cheap, filling, easy and packed with vegetables- which can help with any vitamin deficiencies. By the way I don’t particularly love soup, but it’s making me feel healthier.

I try to tie in easy habits into existing routines which help appearance , hygiene and maintenance- so I cleanse, moisturise and apply factor 50 every morning after my shower, and floss every evening after I’ve taken my make up off. I apply retinol every other night after cleansing my skin and exfoliate with a gentle acid every other night. You can get good skincare cheaply. You don’t need to spend much. I’ve recently got on well with elf moisturiser, cerave hydrating cleanser and Sali Hughes’ Vitamin C serum. I use a cheap Ordinary acid that doesn’t aggravate my rosacea (azalic ..sp?)These are all very reasonable. I read a Nadine Baggott article on cheap skincare and tried out what she suggested.

Find very easy routines that work for you and your needs. These habits have helped me stay on an even keel when things have been very difficult as I don’t have to think about them at all. If they are easy you need less motivation and things take care of themselves somewhat. I read Tiny Habits a couple of years ago and that motivated me to try new behaviours- again there are podcasts or YouTube videos if that works more than reading a book.

In terms of fashion- things come round and about again. You could look at a few videos on shopping your wardrobe and might find that just by getting rid of a few things that depress you and putting together a few things you have in colours that flatter you more can help. Sometimes just wearing things differently can make a difference. Keeping things quite simple. Simple colour combinations. Tucking in your jumper and pulling it out a bit or just rolling up the bottom of your jeans a bit to give you more shape.

Many people who don’t have something they would like physically, have things they take for granted that others would love. I’ve never liked my legs but once a friend said I was lucky to have straight shoulders- sounded crazy at the time but actually I don’t have issues with tops and that’s one of the reasons why. There will be something that you like more about yourself- find a way of showing that off, however subtly.

youtube can be your friend when you are in a rut. There are so many good health and well-being channels. I’ve found Dr Rangan Chatterjee’s podcasts a good way into positive lifestyle changes and many of the audiobooks and podcasts I’ve listened to have been after listening to his interviews. Flood yourself with compassionate and positive content.

You can do this. You’ve done so well before, you can do it again.

Your probably still in survival mode OP,

You've been through hell of a lot, l am so sorry for the loss of your Husband and Mum.
I lost my Husband and then my Dad not long after, it's incredibly difficult, my heart goes out to you.
My confidence was on the floor, I've since worked really hard on my self esteem and I'm in a good place now. I've worked more on my inner self because for me It's not so much how l look but how l feel. I try and make sure l get enough sleep, eat well, take iron and vit D supplements, journal, read widow blogs and watch YouTube videos, One Happy Widow is a good one, she's very honest, because then l don't feel so alone seeing others in same boat and how they manage.
Good luck.

I am so sorry for everything you have been through and please don't be so hard on yourself.

I have had a very difficult 2 years to mid 2023 with 2 cancers at stage 3 and lots of treatment, chemo etc and then my son got given a drug which went really badly wrong by cahms against our will and went into a coma like state for 8 months and he is out of hospital now but still only 10% of what he was and maybe disabled for life. Throughout this I went from being thin and looking pretty with little effort, young for my age to having a breast chopped off (4 years until the NHS put it back), steroids making my face go round during chemo, hair falling out and I also put on 14kgs and I too got very angry with myself about this and looking like I aged 10-20 years overnight.

What can make things better? Firstly be kind to yourself, stop being angry and saying you are ugly. Weight will make the biggest difference. I am doing a 500 calorie deficit to lose the 14kgs and so far am 6.5kgs down since end September and that already has made quite a difference to appearance. I go swimming and swim a mile 3 times a week at a place with a sauna, steam room and jacuzzi and that helps physical and mental health hugely. I would strongly recommend exercise though if you are cleaning you are kind of exercising anyway. Financially I would check are you getting everything you could like ESA or PIP. Also there can be referral schemes via NHS for gym / swim etc but sometimes cheaper private ones aren't much different in price and much nicer.

Is there a supportive community you could join - for cancer on here we have a great recovery thread where we support each other to get fit and lose weight if needed and look forward to things again. Having people that understand helps. If there isn't anything we could adopt you on our great recovery thread in general health, its designed for cancer patients but your situation has similarities and some on there have cancer plus husband died young. Skin I just use Aveeno but any moisturiser is good, Nivea is a good value one. I take the Wellwoman 50 vitamins about once a week. Doctor can do blood tests for vitamins. It is worth getting a good haircut. I am also decluttering the house room by room and renovating it, doing the garden - basically any project to give you an alternative thing to focus on. I avoid cameras and mirrors - don't know if that's healthy but it solves the immediate issue. Though it also getting much better now and can face seeing myself again in mirrors.

Not sure where you are in the country but your local college might have a salon which offers low cost hair and beauty appointments. Like this.

I second getting a heath check from your GP. 💐

Do you have a local college close to you ? They often want people to come in for haircuts ( and beauty treatments ) if they run that type of course , bonus is it's lots cheaper than going to a salon .

@Girlattheback

great minds !

@maybee 😁

You poor love, you really do need some self care after all that trauma.

First thing I'd do is go to get your brows done somewhere like Superdrug. £15 or less for a waxed brow that gives you great definition. Massively helps shape your face.

Get a good cut that you can dry easily and one that grows out with a good shape. I usually get a very short bob with lots of feathering and layers a couple of times a year so that it grows out into a well shaped long bob.

Buy some new basic clothes. M&S - at last! - have some great classics at the moment for not too much money - gorgeous wide legged cords, fair isle and arran style sweaters for cosy weekend wear. All around £35. Uniqlo is great for low-cost basics too. And the supermarkets are worth checking out for tops. Buy the size you are now, not what you intend to be, and wear things you like often. You can ditch them if you lose weight again.

Look for some classics on Vinted or look for warehouse sales of designers you like, where really high-end things sell at high street prices.

Get yourself a really lovely coat, blazer, work trousers, new jeans and two good shirts or tops that fit and hang properly for the shape and size you are now. You can get all of this for less than £300 if you use a range of supermarket, high street, Vinted and sales outlets.

Think of diet in terms of top nourishment and health care rather than weight loss. And take up some fitness classes. I lost a stone just by doing bootcamps, without changing my diet at all. At the very least, the classes help improve posture, muscle tone and overall well being, so you walk taller, look trimmer and feel brighter.

First of all, I'm in awe of you. All that you've been through, your health etc and you're still functioning and trying to make things better. Serious respect. If you don't admire yourself and your backbone, then you should. I feel like a wimp next to you.
There are a number of threads on here about bargain very good products etc you could search through.
I agree about hair and brows. Personally I'd avoid chain salons. Find someone local , inexpensive and good. Ask for recommendations locally or on here. New salons sometimes do offers.
Be kind to yourself.

First thing I would do is get a nice conditioner, my hair is dry and peri menopausal and its really helped.

When I couldn't afford moisturiser I used Savlon and it did a great job, so there is a budget alternative.

Oh as pp have said please be kind to yourself. You have been through the mill!

I know this wasn't the point of your thread but I have just sorted out some beauty bits that don't suit my skin so all tried once or twice. I was going to put them on our Freecycle page locally but happy to send them to you if you fancy trying them out?

You've had lots of advice and tips here, but my biggest thing along with exercise (walking to lift your mood and re-energise your body) would be try and start a habit of drinking much more water.

In terms of ADHD, I don't want to stick my oar in here, but has this been diagnosed by an appropriate professional? Just so you know PTSD has a LOT of cognitive symptoms that come with it that look like adhd.

Finally, have you had treatment for your PSTD? Youve been through a lot. Be kind to yourself

Just responding to flag this back up to you OP. Worth considering I think.

Back on the original question: if you can think of any brand that reliably fits you, I've found vinted really helpful for cheap wardrobe updates.

Also to add to previous post exercise best is to do one you enjoy, for me that's swimming.

I think also the anger with appearance is quite common after cancer / traumatic events and sometimes the anger is focusing on appearance but is actually a more wider issue of distress at cancer / bereavements etc so its good to address that more widely. There's obviously counselling, I didn't find that massively useful but worth a try, some people do anti-depressants, I don't but some find them helpful and I found days out helpful especially around wildlife like puffins. Exercise is also good over 20 mins for mental health.

My recommendation would be to join a gym or sports club to do something you find fun. You will lose weight, improve your mental health and make new friends.

You've been through such a tough time, OP, so I would really focus on things that make you feel better. Are you a bath person? A nice soak while you put on a cheap and cheerful hair mask (I think the Garnier one gets great real life reviews) and listen to your favourite music could do as much for the soul as for the hair. I've blagged a little bath oil sample from a Jo Malone counter before for a fancy bath for free.

Thank you all for your lovely kind responses! I’ve just come back on after a really busy day and I’m overwhelmed by replies.

firstly I managed to book and go for a trim this afternoon at a lovely local salon, she fitted me in, I’ve been there before and it’s an independent one, she’s tidied my hair up a bit and sorted out my fringe, I’ve bought another box dye so will do that tomorrow. Having my eyebrows done tomorrow morning too.

that’s exhausted me for now but it’s a start, I had a bath with some magnesium flakes that I had hanging around and I’ve pottered round the house giving it a good tidy. Bedroom tomorrow.

Healthwise that’s really interesting about autoimmune conditions, I’ve already got vitiligo and low B12, I’m supposed to be on injections but the doctor stopped those and put
me on tablets instead which I’m hopeless at taking. I do have my thyroid function checked every year as thyroid problems do exist in my family but nothing comes up and I’ve never considered anything else so I will go back to the doctors.‘I’m on hrt but it’s not making much difference to my aches and pains although it’s stopped the hot flushes.

i have had an official diagnosis of ADHD,’that was back in 2017 but I can’t take meds because of my heart condition, I’ve a problem with the electrical workings of my heart and would clash with my meds. I am under the psych anyway and I’ve got an appointment coming up. I’m on antidepressant.

I will certainly look into swimming and the gym soon, and I will sort through my wardrobe