What can I do to feel and look better, I’m rather ugly

[blackheartsgirl]

I Need help, really I do . I’m 47 this year and im done both physically and mentally, in 2.5 years ive lost my husband, my aunt and in late November 2023 i lost my mum. I was married for 8 days (had a hospital wedding before dh died of cancer) ive developed
aheart condition, have high blood pressure, put on 3 stone and have bad knees, joints and vitiligo and adhd and ptsd. (My kids also have issues)

I am on meds but my life is an absolute mess. I look terrible, my teeth are terrible, my hair is thick an frizzy with greys coming though, I’m pale because of the vitiligo and my face flushes a lot, my clothes are crappy because no matter what. I wear nothing fits properly, as I’m 5
foot 7 with a long waist that’s fat. I’m ugly and weird looking. Oh and eyebrows
legit look like hairy caterpillars.

i don’t have a lot of money for anything other than a decent cut, i have to rely on box dyes because to keep dying my hair every month would bankrupt me, i can’t afford decent skin care or expensive clothes or my nails done so i suppose what im asking is what simple things can i do to make myself look and feel better that isn’t going to cost the earth.

please be Kind, im already low.

I have had councelling but didn’t find it hugely useful, I’m not much good to opening up to strangers and I made the lovely volunteer cry the last time I rang them, he was genuinly shocked at what I’d been through (there is so much
more but not for this thread )

That's a brilliant start, well done. Even the fact that you have made time to attend appointments for your hair and eyebrows is very positive, its the start of a shift towards better self care.

I have late-onset ADHD triggered by PTSD. I take Bupropion which is apparently to help smokers stop but it works brilliantly for me.

The other thing I do is take Floradix, such a great supplement and even tastes nice.that might help your energy levels.

That's a great plan. I can't take HRT due to breast cancer and have to take a tablet to take it the other way but have found that swimming means I get minimal joint pains despite being in unmedicated menopause from chemo and I don't get hot flushes. I go 3 times a week, 1.5 kms each time, obviously build up but swimming has been amazing physically and mentally and getting my body back in shape - not really losing weight as makes you hungry but well worth trying. Counselling didn't help me much either, quite traumatic discussing things and also they only give 6 sessions or 8 and spend half explaining things.

I also find it helpful sometimes to help me think in a less negative way to write down the good things that have happened or things which are good like cat, holidays etc.

Well done @blackheartsgirl. I'm following along with you.

Have you got loose fitting tops and jumpers? Ones that are floaty or hang from the bust will skim over your stomach and you’ll like how you look in the mirror much more.
Buy a cream highlighter that you can dab onto the tops of your cheekbones to give your face a bit of glow. Wear mascara and lipstick or lip gloss every day. It gives you a lift.

Some fab advice on here, also see if you can get your bloods checked. I have had low iron since I was 13, I take feroglobin capsules for it but sometimes forget then wonder why I am pale and tired!

Box dyes can make your hair very dark and monotone - should you be using a lighter one?

Put your tablets and any vitamins next to your toothbrush then taking them becomes routine every morning (that’s assuming you brush your teeth every morning!?)

HRT

gentle walks 45 mins a day. To the shops and back, you'll lose quite a bit of weight and you'll feel good.

Try sesame oil mask before washing your hair for 1 hour. Will leave it soft.

I have recently started having a lift and tint of my eyelashes. I don't wear any other makeup, just a swipe of moisturiser in the mornings if I get my arse in gear, but my god the lashes makes a difference.

When I go to work now it looks like I've made an effort, and lasts 6 weeks, so the £30 outlay feels well worth it to look that little bit more polished every day.

Your OP, about your body image could have been written word for word by me last April. I was seriously over weight, my hair and brows a mess, no self care happening at all. I had been severely depressed for over a year, then had an injury that had me practically housebound and I was on tablets for just about everything. I lived in Trakkies , went no where ,out of work and broke. .I was 58

Then like you I woke up. For me it was seeing myself in bra and knickers in a full length mirror , totally horrified about where I had let myself go.

I marched myself off to a slimming club, I need the accountability , Id cheat myself if I went it alone. The NHS will pay for 12 weeks if you cant afford it yourself. For me it was £5 a week well worth the money. I now eat healthily 99% of the time. For me it was pushing up the protein, actually eating 5 a day and cutting out the white carbs. Also eating meals and not snacking. Now I eat grains more then bread, pasta is wholemeal and rice is brown. Funny how you can get to like quinoa and couscous when theres no bread in the house :)

So that was day one. Only my days were not physical days, they were as and when I felt OK, Ive made this change, Im living with that, lets move on

Exercise was next. Nothing major here, I got out the door and put in a mile walking. Every day I went out for a walk. Slowly at first, short of breath climbing the one small hill in that mile. Slowly I increased my pace and distance, now I can do 5k and not even feel it. By the middle of summer I started to go to Park Run - I walk it along with lots of others. I go for the accountability again. Its time I have to set aside, like an appointment, I cant miss it ( unless the weather is really really bad ) I can walk in wellies :)

I got a skipping rope and on dry days, out I went and skipped, not easy, boobs and belly flying all over the place but I skipped 100 steps a day , more of a step through skip then a jump skip as my knees wouldn't let me at first. I can now jump skip

As the weight started to go, and my body and face shape changed, I went and got the hair cut to a different more flattering style. And I home colour

I started to do my nails again. One of the cheapest feel good things around. I always used to keep my nails good but that had all gone, so I got it all out and started back

While all this was going on I also started on my home, a total declutter and sort out. As my home became more organised my brain started to feel more organised and I felt more energised myself. A real mood boost. And I tackled the wardrobe. No mean feat. I had clothes in there from the 90's, and clothes ranging in sizes from 10 to 18. I put on everything, does this fit? Do I like it? Does it do anything for me? Am I ever in my life going to get back into this? 2/3rds went out the door. Luckily having hoarded so many clothes I had a "new wardrobe " to shop in and its true, fashions come around again and again :)

Next stop/day - find a job. I only wanted PT in day time hours and I knew I wanted a customer facing role, but I hadn't the confidence to apply before as I was such a mess. I got the first job I applied for that was a perfect fit for me

I have just now, this week, 8 months on, sorted the eyebrows. Threaded and tinted, £18 and Im looking 5 years younger and OMG the change to my face is totally amazing. Im never going to be pretty but getting the eyebrows done has done wonders and for the first time in 20 years I had the confidence to wear a tinted moisturiser to work ( I have Seb Derm which leaves my face red and I get scales around the chin and nose ) but since changing the diet I can say it has improved a lot

I also now keep on top of unwanted facial and body hair - DIY. I dont do full on beauty care but I cleanse and moisturise. I use a conditioner on my hair that controls the seb derm. I give myself a spray of perfume, I wear a bit of jewellery . Not a beauty but now I look groomed not like Ive been dragged through a hedge backwards

Those changes, came about slowly and making those changes have got me now to the big ones, giving up the drink and getting rid of the demons Ive carried. Im day 3 sober and I go to counselling next week

Im sharing my story because I want you to know you arent the only one and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. With every tiny step I made, something else changed. Im now of antidepressants and pain killers. I have a job I love, and a zest for life I didnt have this time last year. Oh its not all rosey, but Ive now the strength and confidence to keep pushing forwards. I dont let a bad day become a bad week, I dont let a pig out to knock me off course, I take the hit, draw the line and move on. The biggest change in me is my confidence.

All the very best of luck moving forwards.

OP, have you tried taking Vit D spray? It got rid of my aches and pains almost instantaneously. I always realise when I forget to take it, because they return.

Also, I now put all vits in a bowl beside the kettle so they are staring at me every time I make a cup of tea. It usually helps me remember to take them.

@suki1964 what a lovely post!

I’d echo what others have said about prioritising looking after your body health-wise.

On a more trivial note, a nice winter coat, especially in a more cheerful colour if that’s your thing, can make you feel much better about your appearance when out and about. In the sales or on Vinted you might be able to get one really cheap.

@SalmonWellington

I don't know who most of the people you mentioned are.

But Sandi Toksvig and Claire Balding scruffy looking?? That's a bit harsh. They might not dress feminine but they always look clean and smart.

I would look at a perimenopause symptom checker on line. There is an NHS one or Newson Health.

I sounds to me that a lot of your symptoms are down to perimenopause and HRT could really help you.

You have been through so much but suffering from depleted oestrogen will be making how you feel about it and your ability to cope worse.

I went through a very tough time at the start of perimenopause and my biggest regret is not starting HRT. I lost 7 years of my life trying to cope on my own. HRT has been transformative.

Over the age of 45 HRT should be prescribed on symptoms, so take your list of symptoms to your doctor if you choose that route.

Good luck, you sound very brave.

Stress is probably as bad as sun exposure when it comes to ageing. Now life is back on track a lot of the signs will disappear. My sister lost her husband and aged awfully, when she met her now DH all the signs disappeared and she looked younger than she did before he died.

Nivea and simple make good quality skincare. I use them and tret and my skin has improved ( tret isn't expensive but it's only on prescription)

@suki1964 I find your post very inspiring, well done for making all those changes and I’m thrilled you feel so much better

Obviously, it’s up to you, but a relative of mine is the same age as you, she has stopped dyeing her hair and she’s let it go grey and it looks great! It looks so much softer and healthier now and she really suits it…she uses a silver shampoo and it honestly looks fab!

All the advice given sounds good. Please don't ever think that you are ugly. 🌹

You've been through a really tough time there @blackheartsgirl and I'm so sorry to hear of your losses .

I agree with the suggestion to revisit your GP and just get everything checked over again .

Then I would focus on getting out into the fresh air for a walk for 30 minutes each day and aiming for your food to include as much nutrition as possible rather than focusing on weight loss . Take things slowly and be kind to yourself.

@suki1964 has written a really helpful and kind post .

Do not be so harsh on yourself! You have been through plenty!!!

Agree with others sort out eyebrows (they frame your face]). Exercise even if only walking, skin care need not be £££. I have used most and keep going back to good old Nivea!!! Love the Nivea soft in the white pot or Atrixo. Use a sun protector on top . At least SPF 30. That goes under make up.... yes to face masks. I do like the cloth ones where you remove them and then gently massage in what is left on your face. No rinsing. If you like perfume, use a cheapie body spray in a scent you like. Using it every day will make you feel good if you have a bath soak in some magnesium salts (cannot remember the right name). Leaves your skin very soft.

Superdrug does some lovely skin care. I like the vitamin e range. If you want make up find a nice cheery lipstick which you can put on softly like a balm when you are not getting dressed up and put on more when going out. Hair wise, look for a good cut in a style that does not need much faffing about with. Maybe check if a hairdresses has a models day where they do your hair cheaper/free. Ditto some beauty schools.

Vitaminc is supposed to give the skin a real glow but I find it drying so I have one from the ordinary with I think vit E as well. Take a multi supplement which includes Vit D and B12.

Can't help much with clothes but if you can find some decent charity shops that is a start. If you can get to some in a posh area you may get some choice stuff! Also look out for decent accessories there such as jewellery, bags, shoes maybe a decent coat or jacket.

I have just changed my hair style from rather awful frizzy, brittle 'Jesus' hair (centre parting) to a short softer Bob. I thought I would look old with shorter fair ignoring the fact that my long frazzled hair looked like a rats nest!!!!!

How are you getting on @blackheartsgirl ? I hope you are starting to feel better.

For me everything hinges on fresh air and better sleep hygiene. One kind of follows the other as a good walk helps me sleep better.

I am a teacher and I just wanted to say that your job is absolutely crucial to the smooth running of the school. Please do not downplay the importance of your job and I am sure your colleagues fully appreciate the work you do. 😍