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Original poster

To feel embarrassed to go to the office

69 replies

Nutterroast · 21/12/2023 23:13

I'm in my mid 30s and since lockdown, I feel really embarrassed about going to my office because of how I look. I've mostly been working from home for the past 3/4 years but my company has recently requested we go in 2 days a week

I've always been pretty average looking, but I feel like my face and skin have changed a lot (aged) in the past few years. I'm going grey but can't dye my hair because of allergies. I have hairs sprouting out of my chin left right and centre. I don't feel like the same person I was. I also don't know what to wear anymore. I'm 5'9, pear-shaped and have always been a size 10-12. I want to dress my age, but feel like nothing suits me. Nothing I try on fits properly. I end up wearing the same jeans/tees/jumpers combos all the time. I used to be very confident and dress well, I now feel very... plain? I feel embarrassed to try to look good because it will look like I'm trying too hard.

When I go to work, I try to book one of the desks in the corner so I can stay hidden. I'm fine socialising outside of work, I have some good friends I feel comfortable with. But I'm aware new people I meet see me as a middle aged woman now, which I struggle to get my head around. I just feel like at work people are much more judgy. And the older you get and the less put together you look at work, the less respect you get and the fewer opportunities you're given. Aibu? Any advice?

OP posts:
Loulou599 · 21/12/2023 23:18

Mid 30s....you are not middle aged!

DelilahsHaven · 21/12/2023 23:26

I think it can be tricky to feel confident if you feel so different to how you were before - I know I look a lot rougher than I did a couple of years ago and have felt reluctant to catch up with people I haven't seen for a while, so I understand where you're coming from.

Might it be worth treating yourself to a session with a stylist person in a big store to try some new clothes/styles?

And maybe consider some self care to help build your confidence as your more mature, strong competent self? Chin hairs are depressing, but find the way to deal with them that suits you, and remember that lots of us have them - I just shave mine now, but have plucked and waxed in the past.

Find your new groove!

Elliebythesea · 21/12/2023 23:28

I think we might work for the same company!

I’m worrying about it to for basically the same reasons. I’m treating myself to a new work wardrobe to try and make myself feel a little better

jeaux90 · 21/12/2023 23:30

Why don't you ask this to be moved to the style and beauty section.

Loads of help over there.

My advice is get a good haircut, I'm 52 and I'm rocking the grey.

Personal styling appointment, at John Lewis it's free.

Get your colours done, it makes shopping for clothes a whole world easier.

Really simple make up routine, Trinny is good for that.

PinkArt · 21/12/2023 23:32

Mid 30s, tall and slim..... You need to give your head a bit of a wobble as it's wild you're writing yourself off as a middle aged invisible woman!
How important is it for you to look a bit 'better'or to be seen to look a bit 'better'? There's stuff you can do that's low effort but will make a difference. Pluck your chin! I now carry tweezers everywhere as mine have also gone from one or two to feeling quite beardy in the last few years. Would any skincare or make up change help how you feel? A bit of blusher and tinted lip balm brighter up a face for little effort. Buy a couple of different tops, something you look forwards to wearing.
Mainly get your head in a better place. You don't need to hide yourself away because that is the one thing that will see you be overlooked.

Grimmz · 21/12/2023 23:38

OP is this fundamentally about you being uncomfortable with aging, or is it about you feeling out of step with office fashion because you're used to WFH?

(I sympathise with both BTW.)

TedWilson · 21/12/2023 23:40

Ok I hear you.
Chin - invest in a Lumea if you can - it doesn't stop it but does help control.
Switch to smart dresses. I would rather be in trousers but I'm just too fat to look smart in them most of the time. Plain dark fit and flare with boots is good. And I'm older and bigger than you!

YoullCatchYourDeathInTheFog · 21/12/2023 23:42

Act now (or at a pinch on the 2nd January). If you let this mindset drag on then the mental hurdle will grow and grow.

I'd with plucking your chin hairs, and booking a really good haircut. It makes all the difference.

And there are a hundred good affordable outfits in the shops at the moment. Personally I'd go for either a viscose shirt dress with a nice print, or a bias cut midi skirt with a plain jumper. Is it going to set the world on fire? No. Is it a pair of jeans I don't think flatters me and that makes me feel depressed. No!

Onemorestepintheworld · 21/12/2023 23:46

We might work for the same large company! Use some of the money you saved on commuting on a good haircut, pluck chin hairs and eyebrows and buy some work clothes you feel good and smart in.

Think positive about the catching up you’ll do yet you’ll still get to wfh 60% of the time. You can make a special effort on the days you go in and appreciate the days you don’t.

Saggypants · 21/12/2023 23:48

Well as an actual middle aged woman I'd see a mid 30s woman at work as a spring chicken! I'm early 50s and in no way invisible.

Chin hair is easy to remove. I use Veet but you could wax or demaplane. It sounds like you need a bit of a confidence boost and some ideas re: hair and wardrobe, I agree Style and Beauty would be a good place to ask.

DelilahsHaven · 21/12/2023 23:50

Also, remember that everyone else is aging at the same rate.

And I remember having a Gok Wan book that was good for thinking about what suits your lovely, tall frame AND loving yourself in your own skin. I think it was the original How To Look Good Naked one.

If you build your confidence up again I think you'll soon enjoy being back in the office again.

newhousenewhouse · 21/12/2023 23:52

I'm allergic to all hair dye but have recently discovered It's pure. Totally amazing, all natural doesn't bring me out in a rash and covers my greys - I have dark brown hair.

https://itspure.co.uk/products/its-pure-organic-herbal-hair-colour-natural-brown?gadsource=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiA4Y-sBhC6ARIsAGXF1g4D0ahatZ1hK8yTPjglr8xHxxWmldn3xtTHFuX6jekxxZKHVVCg2RwaAt5aEALww_wcB

Icannoteven · 21/12/2023 23:54

Snap. My thyroid went kaput during lockdown, I piled on weight and I’ve lost a few teeth I can’t afford to get replaced. I just feel less respectable and less professional!

Original poster
Nutterroast · 21/12/2023 23:55

Thanks everyone. I carry tweezers with me everywhere now, my hair is dark and seems to grow back within a day or 2. It gets on my nerves!

I also skipped my work Xmas party because I just couldn't face trying to find something to wear and attempting make up. I know that I'm lucky to have a functioning body, and to be fit and healthy. I don't know why I feel so badly about myself.

I've actually booked myself a massage and facial in the NY, I haven't done something like that for ages. I'll look into going for a decent haircut too. I usually just go to a cheap local salon because they cut it how I Iike it - I find the fancy salons always do weird stuff and charge a fortune for it. I've had in-store personal styling before and had bad experiences, so I'm a bit wary of that one

OP posts:
Original poster
Nutterroast · 21/12/2023 23:57

Also thanks for the suggestion to move to the style board, how do I request that?

OP posts:
BambiSkate · 21/12/2023 23:57

Of course mid 30s is middle aged

0-30 young
30-60 middle age
60-90 old age
90+ extra time

User789456 · 21/12/2023 23:58

Magnifying mirror with bright light and tweezers every morning for me!

Saggypants · 22/12/2023 01:00

If the chin hair's dark and your skin is fair than the pp's suggestion of IPL (either in a salon or at home with a Lumea) will kill them off for a few weeks/months and maybe permanently if you keep it up.

I have reported the thread for you in the hope Admin will see it and move it.

nmchg · 22/12/2023 01:15

Hi OP. You seem have some self esteem issues and that's really what I would suggest working on overall. Maybe with a counsellor or similar to help you find your confidence and start seeing the happy bits of you again. With clothing have you tried a wrap dress? They tend to be really flattering on most body shapes and can be dressed up or down as you wish. Easy and comfy for workwear too. I have the one by Snag and I love wearing it, makes me feel so slim and I'm around a 14/16. I'm also a good bit older than you so can comment with the benefit of hindsight, it will get better and you will re-find yourself.

Original poster
Nutterroast · 22/12/2023 08:25

Thanks for flagging the post @Saggypants. I'm a bit worried about IPL and UV light exposure? Was considering electrolysis perhaps, I had it on my upper lip years ago and was quite effective.

Thanks @nmchg your point at the end is really kind and positive, I hope so!

OP posts:
NutellaNut · 22/12/2023 08:35

Click ‘Report’ on your original post, OP, and ask Mumsnet to move the thread to ‘Style and Beauty’.

CrotchetyQuaver · 22/12/2023 08:38

I swear by threading for facial hair removal, it's a lot gentler than waxing.
Would highlights/lowlights work instead? I had this bad itchy thing going on every time my hair was coloured and gave up in the end too. Even if I say so myself, I've got a fabulous natural grey thing going on now which suits my skin tone much better.

Seems like you are not alone in worrying about going back to the office OP!

BarbaraofSeville · 22/12/2023 08:39

BambiSkate · 21/12/2023 23:57

Of course mid 30s is middle aged

0-30 young
30-60 middle age
60-90 old age
90+ extra time

Don't be so fucking ridiculous.

30 is not middle aged and 60 is not old age. Are you 12?

AngelaRippingMyLegIntheAir · 22/12/2023 08:47

You need to get some kind of work wardrobe which will make it easy each day to pick something out. I don't know how much you want to spend but look at getting some trousers , a couple of jackets and a trench coat to go over those. Things like skirts and dresses to me are too much of a first step. Go with neutrals or stripes. Keep these clothes only for work. John Lewis has a sale on and there is a Mango trenchcoat there in the sale as well as their own brand one.

To feel embarrassed to go to the office
To feel embarrassed to go to the office
WhippitGood · 22/12/2023 08:55

@BarbaraofSeville i think they were being sarcastic…

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