To feel embarrassed to go to the office

[Nutterroast]

I'm in my mid 30s and since lockdown, I feel really embarrassed about going to my office because of how I look. I've mostly been working from home for the past 3/4 years but my company has recently requested we go in 2 days a week

I've always been pretty average looking, but I feel like my face and skin have changed a lot (aged) in the past few years. I'm going grey but can't dye my hair because of allergies. I have hairs sprouting out of my chin left right and centre. I don't feel like the same person I was. I also don't know what to wear anymore. I'm 5'9, pear-shaped and have always been a size 10-12. I want to dress my age, but feel like nothing suits me. Nothing I try on fits properly. I end up wearing the same jeans/tees/jumpers combos all the time. I used to be very confident and dress well, I now feel very... plain? I feel embarrassed to try to look good because it will look like I'm trying too hard.

When I go to work, I try to book one of the desks in the corner so I can stay hidden. I'm fine socialising outside of work, I have some good friends I feel comfortable with. But I'm aware new people I meet see me as a middle aged woman now, which I struggle to get my head around. I just feel like at work people are much more judgy. And the older you get and the less put together you look at work, the less respect you get and the fewer opportunities you're given. Aibu? Any advice?

In my 50s, I shaved my head and went into the office for our monthly meeting and my big boss couldn't get over the change in wardrobe. I hadn't changed anything else other than the hair.

A good haircut is worth it's weight in gold in the office.

I could almost have written a lot of your post. My office is very “young”. I’m 41 and feel ancient. Had a second child in lockdown and haven’t really lost the baby weight. Skin is awful, am rubbish at make up. I’m wearing baggy jumpers because I hate my body. Which probably look worse

I get this, OP. I love my job and my team but they are obsessed with big brands and expensive things and think they must see me as an old crone even through we're the same age bracket.

On our night out they were flashing statement bags and discussing high end make up and I felt a bit ridiculous. We're third sector so it just feels a bit off anyway, plus they clearly have partners who are able to support their family lifestyle and my DH is nothing of the sort. So I guess it is a combination of self esteem for me as well as managing body changes better post-kids. I didn't have a haircut for 18 months and didn't realise how much that had brought me down!

I have allergies and use a natural hair dye from Holland and Barrett. Naturtint. Worth a try if you want to cover up the greys.

As the average life expectancy of a woman is 81, middle aged does not start until you’re 40 at the very least.

60 is not old age.

It doesn’t really work classing 60 as old age. The pension age has now changed to 68 partly to reflect that 60s is no longer old age.
Not that I agree with that decision I think it’s vile the idea of having to work to that age. It’s not going to go well for a lot of people.

I have the chin hairs as well. Noticed the first one when I was 17! I just run a dry razor over them each morning. As far as I know, no one has ever noticed or commented on them.

As for the outfits... I had a similar style crisis at the same sort of age. In the end, I started watching what the more stylish colleagues wore one day, and then the next day, I'd try and replicate the "look". For instance, if they wore a red top and black trousers one day, then next day I'd do black trousers and a single colour top. And actually, it was a remarkably short amount of time, before I started getting compliments on my outfits! Plus, seeing what they wore as "staples", helped me fill the gaps in my own wardrobe.

Something else that helped, was going to into larger branches of M&S etc, and looking at the mannequins, and replicating the outfits I liked most.

I understand how you feel @Nutterroast but actually most people won't even notice what you look like. You aren't old and you aren't fat - please try and make the most of and enjoy your relative youth and slimness! Having grey hair isn't the thing it used to be.... If you are grey enough embrace it! If it is just a little can you have highlights? I know you said you can't have your hair dyed, but if you had foils the bleach doesn't touch your scalp - I may be wrong... No doubt a hairdresser MNetter will be able to clarify.
I am also very worried about going back into the office. I am 63, very overweight, and have recently had to have a left mastectomy due to breast cancer. The skin on my chest is also discoloured due to radiotherapy. I start back at work at the beginning of January - I haven't been able to wear a bra with my prosthetic in yet as my scar and skin have been too sore, so I am worried that it is going to look unnatural or lopsided. I can no longer wear anything V-necked as I won't have a cleavage (you have to have 2 boobs to have a cleavage - and a prosthetic doesn't give you that). When you are old you will look back at this time in your life and wonder what on earth you were worried about!

I'm 39 and after having 2 kids in my mid 30s, I'm almost unrecognisable. Things that make me feel a bit more confident are:

• Haircut and colour. You can use powders, etc. to cover grey.
• Eyebrow shape and tint (I appreciate you can't do the tinting bit).
• Plucking my chin (it's like a hobby for me) and using a dermaplaner.

-Shaving my legs (a chore but makes me feel better).

• Exercise. I only recently started doing this and the mental benefits as well as the physical are noticeable.
• Having a good, nightly skincare routine. I cleanse, tone, use serum, moisturiser and eye cream.

Mid - late 30's are definitely a time of physical change I've found.

I think you'll find that getting into the office more regularly was just what you needed. The way to combat self doubt is by being active and getting out in the world. So follow the style advice by all means but also plan some recreational activities that are fun and you are good at, because boosting self confidence can come from within and without at the same time.

I know exactly what the feeling of thinking you shouldn't try to prettify yourself because it makes you ridiculou (going to the hairdresser's makes me feel like a freak), but I must say seeing someone else say it really brings home how wrong and tragic it is. And how it's put in us by the ridiculous patriarchy.

You're in your 30s, tall and slim. You'll look great with a bit of confidence. Walk tall, exercise, use good topical skin care and get a great hair cut. Grey looks stunning so don't worry about colouring it, just make sure it's cared for. Brow tinting, Threading and face waxing could be a facial hair solution for low cost.

Pinterest could be a good starting point for style ideas. Are there any clothing styles you like as a starting point?

This might make you feel better - I am 54 and in no way do I confine myself within the 'middle aged, invisible woman' category.

I was in the office earlier this week and a couple of younger colleagues came up to me and said 'I looked absolutely amazing' - their words, not mine. What had I done? Absolutely nothing, other than I am just more comfortable and confident in my style and barely take any time to get ready.

I have for some time now given up blow drying my naturally thick wavy hair straight and leave it wavy. I was wearing a good quality pair of jeans with a silk shirt, nice leather belt and loafers - that was it. Sure, I take good care of my skin and health in general but have not touched any botox or fillers.

Please ladies don't you dare write yourselves off in your thirties or indeed any age. Be kind to yourselves, find a style that suits you and you can be fabulous for life.

Your worth is not determined by your looks. I guarantee the men in the office aren't thinking this way. Smash the patriachy, who cares how you look when you're at work?

With the clothes, I’d start small. It’s hard to find the confidence to go into work with a complete overhaul overnight.

Wear your jeans and tee but add a pretty scarf. If your hair feels dowdy one day, wear some dangly earrings. Get a new pair of jeans, that fit well. Try things like black jeans or a denim skirt or cord trousers - things that are still casual enough to not feel too self-conscious.

Work your way up, in other words!

It’s another negative of being forced into isolation and then becoming acclimatised to it and feeling uncomfortable about returning to situations of social contact that wouldn’t have troubled us before. I have felt it myself and from my work as a psychotherapist it’s something I see a lot.

You’ve aged at the same rate you would have done without the isolation but there has perhaps been a shift in how you see yourself both physically and emotionally. This leads to assumptions about how others see you and judge you, but they are thoughts not facts. The reality is that most human beings are far too busy thinking about themselves to notice changes in how you look, and those changes are much more subtle than they appear to you when you focus on them @Nutterroast . There is an old saying “what other people think of you is none of your business” and I repeat this to myself.

I think it’s good advice to embark on a programme of self-care, not for your “audience” but for that sense of investment in yourself. You will continue to change but getting older brings benefits too. I’m 56, I’m more wrinkled, I’m heavier than I was but my skin is better now it’s drier and so is my hair. I also find myself caring less and less about whether I please other people - if they want to decide my value based on some external measure than I am not interested in their opinion.

I also think that you need to push yourself and change your behaviour which reinforces your negative thinking: choosing a desk in the corner to try and hide away. Next time you go into the office try and select a desk in the middle of the room. Only then can you find out that hiding is unnecessary and unhelpful.

Being 30 is being 30. No more , no less. Why does it need to be defined as anything?

The only ages which are important are
16 legal sex
17 driving licence
18 voting and legal drinking
60 you can buy a senior Railcard for cheap fares and depending where you live get a bus pass for free fares
And finally whatever age the state pension now kicks in.

Would really help to know your budget OP. Do you have some money you could throw at this or are we DIYing?

For me, there are different “sections” that can be worked on and improved. The approach depends on time and finances. Some ideas below:

• Hair- £££ would be a salon restyle and blow dry. Cheaper options would be getting a friend to cut off split ends at home and using whatever styling tools you have already to make it work.
• Hair colour - would henna work? This is natural and can be done at home- look on YouTube for a tutorial.
• face Skin- £££ would be go and get Botox and filler and get a “proper serious” facial. £ would be buying some new skin products to suit your skin. Likely to be a gentle cleanser and moisturiser with spf.
• Lashes and brows - £££ would be to go to a salon and get lash extensions and brow dye and lamination. £ would be tweeze stray hairs at home. Lash colouring kits can dye lashes at home if yours are pale like mine. You can buy a lash curler from Primark for £1 - makes a big difference as a budget option.
• makeup - £££ would be to get a consultation with a makeup artist who could teach you some tricks. £ would be to look on YouTube and get some ideas yourself on there. Refresh your products as they’re likely to be expired if purchased pre-pandemic.
• Facial hair- I feel your pain! £££ would be lazer hair removal. This can work wonders at reducing plucking. £ would be to continue tweezing as needed.
• Nails- £££ would be gels. French ovals is always a classic look if you don’t want to be too bold. £ would be to file your nails and paint with a clear polish or a pink/ brown translucent polish at home.
• Body hair removal. Might not be seen at work but you may wish to do this anyway. £££ would be salon waxing. £ would be to buy a razor and cream and shave one a week or more often if needed.
• Body skin - this can be done cheaply at home. Have a long soak in the bath, use some exfoliating gloves (£1 from Primark) and some dove moisturising bar soap to scrub off dead skin. Moisturise with any body lotion. Aveeno is my fave.
• Tan. May not be applicable due to skin tone but at this time of year I’m always ghostly. Get a decent tan suiting your skin tone. Bondai sands is good. Use a mitt to work the tan in. Watch a tutorial on YouTube. £££ would be to go and get a professional spray tan.
• Clothes- you likely need to update your wardrobe. There are some great videos on TikTok. Search “updating a millenial wardrobe” and take inspiration from there. Remember you don’t need to follow trends but you do need to feel comfortable and happy in your body. If you have £££ to spend a professional stylist would be a good option.

On a separate note I think we all go through stages where we feel out of style and frumpy. It’s not just you! Feeling this way should not prevent you going to work- this is your career! It’s important!

Bang on.

And try Phillips Lumea on the chin hairs (or just a minute with the tweezers every other morning haha).

And up your exercise. Because you say you're mid-30s, and the rest of the post reads more mid-50s (!) so there could be some underlying "just not looking after yourself as a mammal" thing going on.

I am going to have a general mini-exposition here, which is not a comment on the OP.
We know as an animal humans need healthy food, good sleep, exercise, nature, company, but there is a common phenomenon of magical thinking where, on the one hand, we would be appalled if great apes in the zoo were not provided with all of that, but at the same time, we think it will somehow not matter at all that we, or our loved ones, are on the couch, on our own, eating junk and watching box sets, past midnight.

Forgot teeth!

Get to the dentist as a necessity if not already done so. Crest whitening strips are inexpensive and white teeth make such a difference to someone’s face!

It might end up being a good thing to get out of your current comfort zone and embrace some self-care!

I think nice hair (cut and colour), eyebrows (tint and shape), teeth (whitening) and skin (retinol at night, spf during the day) make a huge difference.

Fashion-wise, this capsule wardrobe video might be worth a look:

@Paperbagsaremine I'm really into healthy eating/living and do triathlons - I spend a lot of time training, and live in sportswear most of the time, which is so easy. When you're doing sport it doesn't matter what you look like really, as long as the clothes fit well, are comfortable and functional. I've probably got too used to that.

If you’re fit and healthy that’s half the battle OP!

It is, but I have some sympathy with the tension between swim training and hairdos! Hopefully you have a good jawline and a pixie cut ;)

I was dreading the return to the office but now I look forward to my office days!

personally I went to jigsaw and got some really really nice stuff that looks great on anyone.

not sure how smart your office is as I work in tech so we’re pretty casual. I bought a gorgeous leather skirt, some cashmere jumpers, a wool coat and some boots. I also had some leather joggers from hush already which look great teamed with cashmere and I have a few short dresses I wear with leggings and boots. It doesn’t sound like much but I wear the items all the time and feel it’s casual enough to wear at the weekends

strangely if I wear jeans I feel really old because everyone isn’t wearing jeans the way I wear them and they look young and cool - so I just avoid jeans.

derma plane for the chin hairs. I got some from look fantastic. Really good.

When I was just starting out in my career I was always jealous of the senior women and the amazing clothes they wore. I was young then and couldn’t afford anything like that but now I can wear lovely clothes.

If you can afford it a Simplehuman magnifying mirror is amazing for seeing chin hairs you didn’t realise were there as well as doing makeup on dark winter mornings. Pricey but totally worth it.