To feel embarrassed to go to the office

[Nutterroast]

I'm in my mid 30s and since lockdown, I feel really embarrassed about going to my office because of how I look. I've mostly been working from home for the past 3/4 years but my company has recently requested we go in 2 days a week

I've always been pretty average looking, but I feel like my face and skin have changed a lot (aged) in the past few years. I'm going grey but can't dye my hair because of allergies. I have hairs sprouting out of my chin left right and centre. I don't feel like the same person I was. I also don't know what to wear anymore. I'm 5'9, pear-shaped and have always been a size 10-12. I want to dress my age, but feel like nothing suits me. Nothing I try on fits properly. I end up wearing the same jeans/tees/jumpers combos all the time. I used to be very confident and dress well, I now feel very... plain? I feel embarrassed to try to look good because it will look like I'm trying too hard.

When I go to work, I try to book one of the desks in the corner so I can stay hidden. I'm fine socialising outside of work, I have some good friends I feel comfortable with. But I'm aware new people I meet see me as a middle aged woman now, which I struggle to get my head around. I just feel like at work people are much more judgy. And the older you get and the less put together you look at work, the less respect you get and the fewer opportunities you're given. Aibu? Any advice?

@Beachlovingirl I'm loving your choices of clothes. I think you're right about jeans, people don't wear them like before.

I have a deep pink knee length leather skirt which us unworn so now I'm thinking how to wear that!

@Nutterroast There is a thread on Style and Beauty started by a stylist called @frillseeker and it's like an "Ask Me Anything" and she gives advice. Well worth checking it out. She's really helpful.

Oops forgot to mention the name of the thread in Style and Beauty on Mumsnet. It's called Personal Stylist Autumn, Winter, Xmas edition.

Hi OP. Can uou get laser for the hair? I have laser- it works. I have put on 5 stone in last 2 years due to depression re bereavement. I feel cak but I often treat myself to funky tights. Snag do great tights. They pick me up when all dressed in black. Why not try a new skincare routine? It doesn't have to be expensive. Be kind to yourself OP

Why don't you try one of the John Lewis style advisors, they are free and will do personalised shopping for you. I'm 50 now and also have no idea what suits me anymore so was going to book one myself, maybe they'll help with some new ideas.

Also at 50 my chin hairs are out of control, I've got a threading appointment this morning.

As for my grey hair, I stopped dying mine one year ago and I'm loving how it's growing out, follow some of the 'silver sister' accounts on Instagram- those ladies are rocking it!

I was going to suggest a John Lewis personal styling too!

And yes, get a flattering hair cut. Nothing wrong with the grey! Sometimes a really good specialist conditioner can help with the texture. A hairdresser will recommend!

Also you’re quite young for chin hairs. It might be worth a trip to the doctor to make sure all your hormones are in balance? It could be a sign of PCOS etc.

Shaving your head is not a good hair cut though is it?
@Nutterroast needs a good consultation in a good hairdressers to see what they can do for her
Then, get a capsule wardrobe of black trousers and different tops and to invest in some laser for chin and lip to remove permanently

I’m a similar age OP and I have definitely noticed since lockdown my friends and I have moved to more classic grown up style of dressing and makeup - a few staples such as quality plain jumpers, Breton tee, a nice pair of smart casual trousers and a leather/ satin or pleated midi skirt, trench or wool coat, boots or decent leather trainers are our workwear / casual day wardrobe (and apart from that I’m the same in gym wear which I layer with a nice sweatshirt (and try and brush out my hair and put on a bit of mascara and cream blush after the gym if I’m going anywhere). I follow things like wearetwinset on Instagram and copy the styles with similar options from Mango, Zara, Cos. Updated basics really make a difference - my plain white tees from
Cos look so much better than thin cheaper ones.

Jewellery a gold or silver chain or pendant, stud or hoop earrings, a watch, help smarten up your basics.

I feel loads better not trying to keep up with the 20 somethings wearing things I can remember wearing in the early 00’s!

I'm not trying to minimise or dismiss your feelings op but....you're tall, slim, sporty and eat well....??!!! I really doubt you look bad 😂 you sound gorgeous! I love that effortless athletic look! Those women who look like they've just tumbled out of bed and chucked on something casual but rock it. I'm a similar age to you but a shortish, chubby, mum-tummed type with a dangerously sweet tooth so I wish I was like you! Sounds like you're just lacking in confidence. Maybe because you wfh for a while? I doubt anyone at work is thinking anything other than "wow she's in good shape!" And your good diet, exercise and fresh air probably means your skin is faring pretty well! By all means slap on some moisturiser and get a hair cut but honestly it doesn't sound as though you have anything to worry about

I have a friend who raves about her experience with a John Lewis personal shopper when she went back to work after maternity and none of her old clothes fitted/suited her. She got some fabulous advice and said it gave her a confidence boost. It was free and you don’t need to buy anything. I think she bought a few pieces and then used the advice to get other bits from Zara etc as well.

One of the results of lockdown was that it left some folks more sensitive to being out and being seen. I don't know if that fits you but it does me. I have to go in twice a week, but I've been doing it for a while now so I'm used to it again. You've got a lot of good advice here. I think you're not helping yourself by hiding, acts of avoidance are anxiety maintenance behaviours as opposed to the solution to the problem that you're trying to find.

Also IME the downside of spending a lot of time training is you're just too bloody knackered to even think about new clothes, let alone have the time and energy to go out and get any. I'm a lot better dressed these days - why? - I don't train anywhere near as much (body can't take it anymore) and I'm retired .

JL personal styling ftw I think.

@BarbaraofSeville

Thanks Barbara, I was getting rather pissed at being in the old age category! (63, soon to be 64!). I don't have a freedom pass yet!!!

By the way I used to purchase a hair colour I think called Nature's tint (or something like that) from Holland and Barrett -in a bright red colour but they do more natural ones. I just could not keep the colour up as it was so obvious.

At 64 I am fuming at being shoved into the old age category!!!😡

There's no such thing as dressing your age. I'm 42 and I share clothes with my teenage DDs. You wear what makes you feel good. A new hairstyle will make anyone feel brand new. Skincare that makes your skin feel soft and nice will too. A cute pair of kitten heels will make jeans look chic. Chelsea boots for winter. Get a set of barrettes off Amazon. Part your hair deep on the side, tuck the smaller portion behind your ear and place a barrette just behind and above your ear. The tiniest bit of blush on the apples of your cheeks will take off at least 5 years. A little mascara and lip gloss will too. A white button down shirt, a little oversized with just one corner tucked in is very sexy. Statement earrings scream stylish, even if they are quirky. Polish your nails red. Even better, red lipstick with a minimalist outfit. Monotone in neutrals including black or white. Midi sweater dress with the chelsea boots. So many options but it's really down to how you feel. Lucky you, everyone feels this way, and the leisure look is still in style post lockdown. The key is to mix & match. Have at least one element that's more dressy and you'll end up looking stylish. Also 30's is not old or even getting old! Old is a state of mind. Stop using or even thinking that word entirely! I only use it to describe horrible politicians and misogynistic men. The rest of us are amazing including you.

Lots of good advice here☺️ so just to add:

Chin hair - boots do a cream which I find is the best thing of the many things I tried

I've used John Lewis personal shopper. I was nervous but they are very good - no pressure at all and they really listen to you

You go girl 💪🏻

A capsule wardrobe works best once you know what suits you. Earlier this year I had a colour analysis done online - nothing like the old fashioned one from back in the day. Mine was with Style Me Happy (look up her Facebook group) and it was really helpful. It took me a while to start noticing it but now I really see how much better I look in my best colour palette compared to wearing something that isn't my colour. Even the difference between navy (great on me) and black (not ideal) is so obvious now.

I also follow some Instagram accounts by women who embrace ageing - grey hair can look amazing! In general though it's about feeling good about your looks and not aspiring to what you may have looked like at 22.