Totally lost - mid life crisis cry for help.

[BeretRaspberry]

Hi,

There’s a TL:DR bit at the bottom as I have waffled a bit.

As the title says, I’m literally lost with my appearance. I’m 47, perimenopausal, fat and grey haired. I grew my colour out due to sensitivity to dyes and on its own, I actually love it, it’s a bright silvery colour, however, I’m so pale
(always have been) so I just looked washed out.

I’m also a size 22 at 5’6”..and I’m ok with that in theory, but I am utterly sick of trying to find clothes that fit well. That is the only superficial thing I don’t like about being fat.

When I was slim, I used to dress ‘well’..not always expensively but I always got compliments on being put together and looking classy/polished (but not boring).

I’ve noticed a lot of plus size clothing is made of polyester and the like, and is often ditsy, cold shouldered, butterfly prints which I absolutely hate! Or it’s like 50’s pin up style or quirky prints (Popsy dresses as an example). These are absolutely fantastic on other people but they’re just not ‘me’.

I’ve had my colours done but finding clothes in my colours is even harder than finding clothes that will cover my body.

TL:DR bit

My questions (if you got this far) are - have you any tips for looking a bit less deathly pale without looking clown like in makeup?

Has anyone any experience of having larger clothes tailored to fit properly and if so, can you share your experiences. Or even having clothes made from scratch.

And lastly, and recommendations for how to look ‘put together, ‘classy but not frumpy’ as a size 22?

Please and thank you!

I was going to ignore this but hopefully my replying will stop any other similar comments.

You obviously know nothing about me apart from what’s been written here, however, you should know that:

I have suffered with disordered eating and bulimia caused by previous dieting. And my eating habits are currently the healthiest and least disordered they have ever been.

I have chronic illnesses which mean I can’t exercise.

I don’t subscribe to the ‘fat automatically means unhealthy’ trope that we’re usually bombarded with.

Oddly enough, I never gained weight until I dieted. I only started dieting nearly 30 years ago after having my first child and being under the impression it was the done thing. Naive that I was back then. Prior to that I’d always been stick thin.

So, I’ll never pursue intentional weight loss ever again. I’m lucky not to work - so I can rest and manage my illness as needed. And I intentionally do things that help my overall wellbeing. Getting out in nature and fresh air. Catching up with friends, that sort of thing. Health isn’t just about the physical.

Thank you for your other suggestions. 😊

@SybilWrites thank you for sharing your list. It does sound like I’m doing quite a bit ‘right’ so just need to add in some extra bits. I get my hair cut regularly, though I can’t colour, due to the dye reaction. I’m not sure whether eyebrows would be the same but don’t want to risk it. I do actually love the colour of my hair in isolation - it’s like a shiny steel colour and luckily not yet dry or greasy!

I’ve found a good eyebrow pencil. And a decent mascara. I do also get waxed regularly because I struggle to reach my own legs etc. (Because of mobility, not my size). I also get pedicures and used to get manicures but gel polish wrecked my nails so I’ve been following a lady on YouTube known as The Salon Life and my fomerly peeling natural nails are looking so much better. I’m going to keep them natural for another month or two and then I’ve got the Dior Glow polish for a nice natural finish. I’ve got some colours too.

My dentist does a scale and polish at each check up, though she rarely does much and says my hygiene is good, which I’m chuffed about. That said, I don’t know if seeing a hygienist specifically would offer anything extra. I’ve got a whitening appointment booked too.

I do watch what I eat to a certain extent. But from the IBS and pain side of things. I know a lot of sugary foods seem to trigger all over pain so I avoid mostly, though I do have some now and then. I don’t drink alcohol or smoke etc. And I have 2 coffees a day and you’d have to prize them from me to make me stop those!😂

I’ll have a look at Laura Mercier.

@Maryh78 I’d heard of Scamp and Dude but for some reason had it in my head they didn’t go up to my size so I’m off to look. Thanks!

@Sammysquiz - that’s a great tip, and I’ve ordered.

@Jafferz I think JL is looking like a good option. I’ll get in touch to make sure they stock my size in a good range of things first, just in case.

hi @BeretRaspberry fwiw I have IBS and it got much worse during perimenopause. As did my sleep. I have found that cutting out caffeine has made so much difference to me. (And the sugary crap, and I also do a low fodmap and other triggers diet). I love my coffee and the whole ritual, but I found it surprisingly easy to give up. My skin looks much more glowy too which is a good side effect.

The best dressed people tailor alter their clothes.
Hygienists do more than a dentist quick scale and polish. I wouldn't bother whiten, sensitivity afterwards is not fun and a visit to the hygienist is more beneficial. Some NHS dentists just don't mention it until your teeth are loose and bleeding.

There is a Facebook page called Scamp and Duders who are the most friendly welcoming bunch of ladies. You can ask people of a similar size to share photos so you can see how the clothes look to give you an idea before you buy them. But you may say good bye to all your money as its a very slippery slope once you buy something 😆

Getting clothes made is expensive but can be brilliant and usually means you are supporting small local businesses instead of sweatshop labour on the other side of the world. I can big recommend 'The Emperor's Old Clothes' which is a female-run business based in Brighton, pay living wages to all their employees and use vintage/deadstock fabrics to make custom garments. They definitely cover size 22. I'm a 16/18 and have three outfits from them, all of which fit perfectly as they are custom-made to your measurements. It's slow fashion/you can't buy a ton of stuff (or I can't) but you understand where the money is going and you can design things exactly how you want them.

Fantastic response. Some people haven't got a clue about other people's lives and struggles.

@BusterGonad thank you! 😊 It’s frustrating when you get ‘lose weight’ comments as if it’s a cure all, when more often than not, it causes more harm than good. Though I don’t blame people as such, I believed that once too!

@malimoon I’m hoping that woman I mentioned will come up trumps for some made to measure things. I need to phone her to make an appointment but haven’t been feeling great the last couple of days so I’ll speak to her on Monday. The only thing is, I don’t know where to start! I’m that used to not having a lot of choice and settling for what I can get so now I can pretty much have anything I want, it’s quite overwhelming. I’ve had a duvet day, so in between old episodes of Endeavour and cuppas, I’ve been looking at things I might want.

@Maryh78 I’ll check that group out too, thank you.

@Whatalovelypair thanks for the info. I’ve never been to a hygienist so didn’t have a clue!!

I got my Dior Lip thing today and I love it. I also got my Clarins drops delivered as well, so I’m going to try that tomorrow. I put Tret on every other night so tomorrow is a night off and hopefully the drops will be fine.

Just wanted to say that I ordered the Anastasia brow wiz after reading this thread, and it was really good. Want to try the Dior nail polish too.

Glad you like it! I love my Dior lip balm thing and the Dior polish too. I’ve been following this lady recently and my natural nails are looking fabulous now. They were damaged after previous gel polish and I had years of peeling but I’ve been following her tips and they’re pretty much fixed.

I’ve been using the tanning drops and I have to say they’re making a great difference! They’re so subtle but just take away that ‘dug up corpse’ greyness about my complexion. As I’ve not been far this week (due to a flare of illness and having work done in the house), I’ve been putting on the Eborian CC cream (just a bit in redder areas), a touch of bronzer and blusher, do my eyebrows with the Anastasia thing and then some mascara and my lip glow and I feel quite human again!

I haven’t contacted the woman about the clothes yet, due to feeling crap and the building work interrupting everything but I’ve been looking and ordered a few bits from M&S, White Stuff and JL for now.

The Dior lip balm is great! If you get a chance to try the Origins vitazing please do, it really is good.

Can you tell us what season you are?

Also, what is your body type? Pear, hourglass, apple, carrot etc..

Whose style / what type of style do you admire? e.g. Scandi, Lagenlook, biker chic, hippy chic, classic, boyish, preppy, etherial, sexy, princessy/feminine?

How do you spend your days? Teaching? at home, corporate? Boating?

All this will help give us an idea on how to steer you to the right / most suitable things.

Thank you for asking. I’m a ‘cool’ - summer presently, when I had my original brown hair, I was winter.

Shape is hourglass (though not extreme) from the front but with a ‘non pregnant’ apple tummy. I don’t have the slender legs associated with regular apples.

I like natural, classic type looks. My style icon is Jennifer Aniston. When I was younger and slimmer I could get away with copying her style. Jeans, blazers, heels, boots, as well as the more casual combats and vests, but I could make them look decent.

This last bit is probably where I come unstuck a bit and after thinking about it all since posting this thread, is quite significant. I spend my days mostly at home doing not much because of my illnesses. I do get out now and then for coffees, lunch, popping to the shops, seeing my mum etc. I need relative comfort as well but want to look like I’ve made a bit of an effort. An awkward customer, I know! If I’m being honest, I think this situation is probably contributing to how I feel because I don’t have to get up and out for anything. Even when I had to do the school runs and not much else, I still got up and ready properly. As we live next door to school now, I don’t even need to do that!

I have very pale skin and look washed out without makeup. I don't wear a full face of make up but I do wear a light, very glowing foundation and I always make sure my eyebrows and eyelashes are tinted. It makes a massive difference to my face when my eyebrows are done. They really frame my face. They are only light brown but as they re silver without any tint it makes a massive difference.

You're lucky! A summer hourglass is a great combination and Jennifer Aniston has great style too (I believe she's a summer pear shape so quite similar).

At 5'6" you can do long layers, so casual ankle grazer trousers, skimming tops, with a longer layer over the top, like a long line cardigan or a trench coat - the vertical line is slimming. Trousers can be swapped for sundresses in summer with trainers or sandals.

Keep your colours muted and tonal. Your hair and skin sound fabulous.

The only question I have is, have you been professionally colour and style diagnosed or have you done it yourself? You cant change season (from Winter to Summer for example, only move sub-season categories, e.g. bright spring to light spring).

Almost forgot - always show your waist. If you hide in loose clothes you only look bigger.

Thank you so much. Yes, had my colours done properly, in person and online (I had one told me wrong, hence the other 2, to check). The in person one (Colour Me Beautiful) told me it can change when you go grey, but the cool bit stays the same. I’ve played around with a tool online and all of my dark hair pictures come out as winter or deep winter, whereas most of my grey ones are summer. All that said, I struggle to find clothes in suitable colours in my size so it can be difficult!

Yes, I went out last night for a meal and wore a baggyish top and felt like I wanted to sew it into a decent shape!😂 I do love ankle grazers as I feel they suit me too.

Have you heard of magic trousers, there is nothing more comfortable ever. And they suit everywhere, the pictures don’t do them justice. There are different ones, these are high water if you like ankle grazers. You need to size down one size. I have both, and since I have IBS and can be extremely bloated in like one minute, these are a god send. I could honestly sleep in them.
(I have not bought them from these links, I just googled and these came up where you can order them from online.)

https://surprizeshop.co.uk/daily-sports-magic-pull-on-high-water-94-cm-black/

https://www.artichokecollection.co.uk/shop/trousers/stehmann-ina-800-the-perfect-pull-on-trouser-31-leg/

That's so interesting. I was told by my house of colour consultant you couldnt shift season, only sub-category.

It’s possible I misunderstood then. I’ve been playing around with this tool and most of my dark hair pics show as winter, as I say. Obviously this isn’t the most accurate but coupled with what (I thought) the CMB woman had said, I thought it must be right.

https://colorwise.me/self-analysis

CMB came out as ‘soft, cool, deep’, which is ‘soft summer’, I believe but I’m not as keen on muted as I think they make me look worse. If I’m honest, I think I’m more confused since having them done because I couldn’t see what the CMB person could. The wrong one had me as autumn but there’s no way I’m that. The other was summer too, and I only had that done because I’d had one of each and it was like a confirmation.

And of course, there’s the lack of decently fitting size 22 clothes, let alone ones in ‘my colours’.

They look good! Thank you! I will also investigate them. I have IBS so these would be ideal.

I don’t know if she’s your style but have a look at Laura Adlington on Instagram. She was on Bake Off 2 years ago and since then she’s used her Instagram to promote body positivity. She’s a similar size to you and regularly does clothing hauls that aren’t cold shoulder tops/ butterfly prints.

Slim down, you have to! , cut the hair and so is easy to dye often, wear lipstick which emphasises your eye colour

Did you read my posts? I couldn’t slim down, even if I wanted to, which I don’t. That’s what a history of eating disorders does to a person. I tire of the ‘slim is the only way to look good’ BS, but I’m also so grateful I don’t think that way and actually feel sorry for those that are stuck in that cycle.

Nor can I dye my hair. I mean, it might be easy, but also potentially deadly so I’ll stick with my grey.