Totally lost - mid life crisis cry for help.

[BeretRaspberry]

Hi,

There’s a TL:DR bit at the bottom as I have waffled a bit.

As the title says, I’m literally lost with my appearance. I’m 47, perimenopausal, fat and grey haired. I grew my colour out due to sensitivity to dyes and on its own, I actually love it, it’s a bright silvery colour, however, I’m so pale
(always have been) so I just looked washed out.

I’m also a size 22 at 5’6”..and I’m ok with that in theory, but I am utterly sick of trying to find clothes that fit well. That is the only superficial thing I don’t like about being fat.

When I was slim, I used to dress ‘well’..not always expensively but I always got compliments on being put together and looking classy/polished (but not boring).

I’ve noticed a lot of plus size clothing is made of polyester and the like, and is often ditsy, cold shouldered, butterfly prints which I absolutely hate! Or it’s like 50’s pin up style or quirky prints (Popsy dresses as an example). These are absolutely fantastic on other people but they’re just not ‘me’.

I’ve had my colours done but finding clothes in my colours is even harder than finding clothes that will cover my body.

TL:DR bit

My questions (if you got this far) are - have you any tips for looking a bit less deathly pale without looking clown like in makeup?

Has anyone any experience of having larger clothes tailored to fit properly and if so, can you share your experiences. Or even having clothes made from scratch.

And lastly, and recommendations for how to look ‘put together, ‘classy but not frumpy’ as a size 22?

Please and thank you!

For clothes - maybe try eShakti? I buy a lot of work dresses from them and they are really good quality and very customisable.

@CrackOfDawn Thank you. I’ve been using a pencil on my eyebrows that I mentioned before and it definitely does make a difference. It’s the first product I’ve used that doesn’t make me feel like all you can see iis my eyebrows! 😂 I like Snag tights but only stick to boring colours. I like leopard print too and got a really nice longline fine shirt from RI.. the only thing I’m not sure of is whether the colour suits me..I get complimented when wearing it though so that’s a good thing.

The French script, butlerflies and sequins made me laugh too.

Thank you @endoftheworldniteclub too. I’ll check that out as well. I’m a sucker for new things!😬

@mousehole I love Dawn French. She’s stunning at all ages and sizes. I do have a bob though it’s a bit layered. I’ve had blunt before and I looked like a Lego person!😂 I like wide leg trousers too. Jeans are a struggle because I’ve not found a well fitting pair yet. I’m hoping this woman I’ve found will be able to advise on potentially altering some for me. I tried some chunky Converse on and I loved them but I could not keep them on my feet. Then the smaller size were too small. I went retro though and got some Adidas Gazelles. Not quite as chunky but not flat.

I’ve spent far too long looking at tanning drops so if anyone has any recommendations for those too, I’d be very grateful.

Ooh, I’ve looked at them before but never dared take the plunge as I don’t know anyone else who has used them. I’ll give them another look up. Thank you

I’m sorry, I know it must be so difficult to feel like you have lost yourself.

There is an account on Instagram called whatlydianade and I know she offers style consultancy, or you could just follow as she highlights small businesses that are making lovely plus sized clothing.

100% recommend tanning drops, I use skinny tan notox tanning drops (it’s natural ingredients) so hopefully you shouldn’t react. Mix with your normal moisturiser and just apply face and neck, I feel soooo much better when I look in the mirror even though it’s not a glaringly obvious difference. It’s nice that it’s doesn’t just wash off at the end of the day so you still feel good at night/ waking in the morning and easy to top up every few days.

I felt like that too at first, but then they had a summer dress I couldn't resist. Their dresses and skirts all have pockets, there's loads of little details that really mark them out

hi @BeretRaspberry - Laura Adlington (she was on the great British bake off) Instagram is wonderful for clothes inspiration - she regularly does hauls for plus size and I think always looks lovely!

Also Glossier make up is great if you want to look like no make up make up - it's extremely sheer but the skin tint makes you look glowy from within! Their conceler is also amazing and doesn't cake, mascara very natural and so is the boy brow eyebrow wand. The cloud paint is an amazing barely there blusher (and only need a tiny amount because it's liquid). You can get it online or if you live in or near London (or are visiting soon) there is a shop in Covent Garden where you can get matched.

I have grey hair but I put a little bit of hair root touch up powder in dark brown where my parting is - just adds a bit of warmth.

If you like a more minimalist look, Cos are worth a go. They go up to size 18, but have a lot of oversized shirts and similar, and a lot of a natural fabrics. They've got some lovely oversized cotton shirts in bold colours at the moment. I'd also suggest M&S for a massive trying on jeans session as they've got a big variety of styles, sizes and lengths.

Not sure if anyone's said but try a powder bronzer on top of your make up.

Guerlain do a good one or if you're looking for budget then Rimmel.

Digestive issues get worse with perimenopause, and given you have always struggled due to IBS, it will be worth your while looking at FODMAPS as it will better help you identify exactly which (fruit and) vegetables to avoid. It can be transformative for many who follow it.

Have you thought about HRT? That will help with everything from the being hot, hot flushes, loss of sense of self and the many other issues that periemenopause brings. It can even help with acne.

Nope. Be happy with the skin you're in, no one should want to change their colour, it's part of their genetic heritage.

Would you tell a POC they should get their skin lightened?

Pale and proud.

If frocksandfroufrou’s Instagram account is your thing, and you have a sewing machine (or might commission someone who sews well), then you might like to look at these pattern companies. I make quite a lot because high street fabrics are so appalling and this means I get to enjoy wearing lovely linen, lawn and poplin. But costs are in line with that: I have a beloved shirt pattern I’ve made three times now, and I reckon each shirt has cost me around £70 to make plus my time.

These companies will all include your size (which is also my size!)

www.munaandbroad.com/

theassemblylineshop.com/collections/modern-minimalist-sewing-patterns

merchantandmills.com/uk/womens

A nice long dress always looks graceful.

Another vote for Cos here. I'm an 18 in lots of shops but often don't need the largest size in Cos. Lots of their clothes look weird on the rail but great when you try them on.

I also like Lucy & Yak dungarees, M&S for jumpers and French Connection have had some good stuff recently.

Purple shampoo makes my grey shine. And I still wear Bobbi Brown foundation.

I've also found I look better with a nude or slight shimmer eyeshadow and some lipstick. Although often don't have time to bother!

Clarins tan drops are the best. Everything else make you look orange.

Agree, cloud paint is really good..have used it for years.

Can't recommend clothing or makeup but could you try visiting a personal shopper at John Lewis or other department store.

Thanks again everyone. Sorry, I don’t know if multi quoting is a thing but even if it is, I’d probably do it wrong!😂

Typically, the 2 tanning drops I’ve narrowed it down to (Clarins and ST Notox) have one mention each so I’m still umming and ahhing.

I’ve thought about the personal shopper at JL but I’m not sure if they carry my size in store. Like I order a lot from M&S because they only really go up to a 20 in the shop nearest me. My nearest JL is about an hours drive but I could make it a day out!

@Grumpycatsmum I do have some Fanola purple stuff and usually only use it once every 10 days but I think I might increase it to maybe every four or 5. I think I’d read somewhere that it goes too purple if you use it too often but I do like it when I’ve just used it.

@Crazyshihtzulady It’s not that I want to be darker, I just want to look less grey and having a small amount of ‘tan’ colour really helps. I don’t tan as such but do get a bit of a glow in the summer and I do look better. I agree about the long dresses too.

@Tangelo thanks so much for the pattern recommendations. I do have a few patterns that I just struggle to get right. I do prefer more plain and simple stuff but probably a bit more fitted than Frocks and Frou Frou, as fabulous as she is in her clothes. I’ve recently been playing around the Kersoe top from the Cashmerette book but we had a recent bereavement so it’s been sat there for a while. Things are a bit more settled now though so I’ll probably get back to it. I just struggle with fitting myself.

I’m trying to make a list for a sort of capsule wardrobe. Not that I’ll be totally restricted to just that but I thought it might help if I do a couple of things at a time and build on it until I only have things in my wardrobe that I like and fit well.

@coconotgrove thanks for the fodmap info. I’ve heard of it before but not really looked into it properly.

I’ll also be off to look at the other recommendations.

Have you heard of a company called Scamp and Dude? They go up to a size 22 and the clothing is amazing (plus the ethos behind the brand is lovely and they do so much for chairty). They do everything from lounge wear to beautiful dresses and even scarves which can make all the difference to an outfit. I was struggling with my body being all over the place with long covid/perimenopause but I discovered the brand and it brings so much joy! It's not the cheapest but worth taking a look xx although it can be a slippery slope once you make your first purchase!!

OP, if you do decide to go for the Clarins tanning drops get the ones for your body, not your face. You get a bigger bottle for the same price, and it’s exactly the same product!

Try a John Lewis personal styling session. Free and I thought really good.

I can't help on the clothes I'm afraid, but here is what I would advise:

tinted moisturiser - I use Laura Mercier which I think is fab. A bit of blusher on cheeks too and you'll look much more healthy and glowy. (I use Laura Mercier blusher too - Space NK or John Lewis good for her).

Also go to the Hair dresser - get your hair sorted out, regular cut and colour and eyebrows shaped (and tinted, along with eyelashes if you need that too).

Regular hygienist appointment

Regular waxing of moustache/chin etc

I also have added a regular manicure and pedicure to my list - these make me feel much more polished and together. (less regular on the pedicure - I keep that sorted myself in between appointments - in order to save a bit of money).

Also, yes maybe look at what you eat - diet and exercise make all the difference to how you feel. I've cut out caffeine and most alcohol, sugary stuff and crap. As well as losing weight you will actually feel much better. A lot of the perimenopause stuff is about how you feel rather than how you look.

I’m sorry but at size 22 you shouldn’t be ok with it, can you not try to lose some weight? it’s very unhealthy and you’re still young.
Wash your hair with some toner , have regular hair cuts to keep the shape nice ( grey hair is quite strawy like and frizzy) and use a tinted moisturiser and maybe some mascara? it makes the eyes look more open .