Capsule wardrobe from my own things to help me escape shitty DP

[LambChopsMcGee]

A bit of a weird one for the Style and Beauty board, I know, but hey.

I need help deciding on a capsule wardrobe from within my own wardrobe… because I am secretly moving my stuff into storage as I prepare to leave an abusive (the not physically violent) relationship.

I don’t know when I will get to leave. I have said November in my head by maybe more like after Christmas, so I need some warm things. Ideally I would like to keep it to one suitcase full, and a couple of coats. Little enough that I can get it all in a cab quickly when I do leave.

I have got a storage unit and moved a couple of cases already – mostly nice work dresses and going out clothes which aren’t in high demand just now, and I will move shoes apart from a few essential pairs.

This might sound frivolous and privileged, but it’s been really stressful. Getting some things in storage has felt like the first step to leaving.

I am working with Women’s Aid and have spoken with my GP and the police as well. It might be melodramatic to plan like this but he won’t agree to a separation or talking to the bank about taking over the mortgage so I have to take some action.

So. What would I need for a capsule to cover the office (3 days a week), WFH, and weekends with DD (5)? How many tops/what kinds? How many tights? How can I make the fewest items work for me. And somehow not make it look like I have moved all my things (that’s a me problem I think!)

I think I need to focus on this system to keep me sane so please join with any ideas or things I might not have thought of!

TIA!

Hi there,

It's great you're working with Women’s aid and your GP - it sounds like you've got some really good support.

Everything you suggested sounded fine- and don't forget you can cheaply buy some basics if you forget them.

I moved out at short notice under similar circumstances to you- and was able to get whatever I didn't have from primark or m&s really easily.

Take care and good luck

Goodness, must be so stressful.
I had decent amount of time to move but most of my stuff went into storage so I ended up with some basics for day-to-day and combined those for a few weeks.

Try stick to a simple colour palette - black/navy/sand or whatever suits you so you can combine whatever you end up with. You can then get away with 2 bottoms and 3-5 tops and buy as you need to. Tights you can pick up with your weekly shop.
Chuck in a pair of jeans and a gilet for the weekend or a shirt for layers.
Pack in a couple of things that you love. Familiar comfy things will help you feel like you amongst all the stress.

Are you doing the same for DD?

Good luck. Glad you have some support x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3918129-Help-Anyone-The-local-police-just-called-me

A thread from a while back - lots of good advice for OP in similar situation (towards the second half of the thread)
There is a follow up thread too.

good advice here OP
I'd add, if it's going to be difficult or dangerous to go back, think about things that have sentimental value, especially photos, jewellry, stuff you can't easily replace. And don't forget underwear! yes it's easy to replace but in the first week or so you don't want that extra hassle. You don't say where you are going. If it's a refuge, usually they can provide you with something but of course not much choice and unlikely to be suitable for work.
Good luck to you and your DD.

How well does he know your clothes and do you have any spare cash. If so go to a charity shop or even better a jumble sale or car boot and purchase as much as possible (and make it bulky stuff) to put in the wardrobe in the house you are leaving so it still looks full while removing good stuff to the storage. Charity shop sale rail would be good.

Local to us we have a sort of vintage place that sells by the kilo. That’d also be perfect to get some stuff from.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate it.

We have separate wardrobes and yes pretty clueless so I might be ok. I think I just need to bet gradually move things out.

As I say, he's never been violent so it'll probably be ok, but I want to make it easier.

Thank you to the person who mentioned DD. I've thought about her school clothes but will add a few day to day items as well, though I hope we will have 50:50 custody once the dust settles.

It's annoying it's a shoulder season as the weather is so variable, but I'll work on a week of basics for home and work to cover me up ton the coldest part of the year and should be ok. He's away next weekend so I hope to get some secret packing done then.

Sorry for the typos.

It's still abuse op, don't minimize it or feel you don't have to explain that it isn't physical. I know why you are doing it, I used to do the same. Wishing you all the best for the future. Its such a brave thing to do, to finally leave! You've got this

Sorry... Typo... Meant to say "don't minimize it or feel you have to explain that it isn't physical".

Xx

So sorry you’re in that situation OP, but you’re very brave and well done for getting out. What I would take.

Underwear for at least 5 days + socks
2 or 3 pieces of nightwear
3 camisoles/ undershirts in black and/or white
3 warm jumpers or cardigans
2 neat blouses or tops
A long sleeved T-shirt
3 pair of neat pants or skirt, 1 pair of jeans and 1 pair of jogging pants
A dress that you can ideally wear both casual and at work (ideally a simple black dress made of good quality material).
1 pair of neat flat shoes and 1 pair of trainers
A winter coat or jacket plus scarf, gloves and mittens.

I would choose items in solid colors that are easy to mix and match. Choose 2 or 3 colors that go well together, preferably 2 or 3 neutral. Eg.: black, brown and (dark) green. Grey, black and red. Brown, pink and black.

Hope this helps.
All the best

*gloves or mittens. And maybe a beanie too if you wear them.

I’d go with some stuff that works both for the office and for weekends. How formal does your office wear have to be? Can you wear, for example, black skinny jeans with a nice blouse/shirt? Then you have the jeans for the weekend with trainers.

Perhaps think the way you would packing for a weekend away by plane at that time of year, to get the most into a suitcase ….so I’d pick light, floaty tops with vest tops underneath and a light cardi over it if needed. Those clothes can all be worn separately.

And I’d bring my more expensive clothes, or stuff that you needed to try on to buy. You can pick other bits up cheaply or online when you leave.

Also, will you have access to a washing machine and a place to dry your clothes?
I would take that into consideration when it comes to choosing stuff, wool can be easily cleaned by hand washing and doesn’t need washing that often. Synthetic stuff often gets smelly after being worn just once and might not be the best choice if you don’t have a washing machine at hand. In terms of work wear, if you have a limited wardrobe, I wouldn’t bring stuff that can only be dry cleaned.

Some great advice here.

For DD (and that will be harder to pack in many ways, sorry), aside from school stuff, think about what she’s attached to and get it either in storage early if you can (teddies, books, memory box, photos, favourite pyjamas) and or gather it in one place so it can be packed. Footwear is another biggie - school shoes, wellies etc.
Is the school aware?

I left lots of things behind I now wish I took and will never get back.

If you are on any prescriptions, get your GP to write you another script in case you don’t get to take it with you/run out/ end up far from your GP. Same for DD.

I’ve re-read the thread I linked and there’s some really useful bits of advice in there.

Thanks all, this is really useful for my planning!

I'm hoping I'm just paranoid and I'll be able to come back and sort things amicably about future plans (but with me living elsewhere and shared care of DD), but I want to be prepared.

My hope is I'll stay with a friend, so I will have access to washing machine etc, and then hopefully DP will see I'm serious (after two years of him refusing to discuss it or speak with the bank etc, and that was after many years of shit and therapy) and I'll get a little rented flat soon, we shall see though.

It's been so subtle. I doubt he sees it as abuse. Verbal stuff, really. Attacking my personality, hobbies, work, family. He said my dad didn't love me. Various stuff. I've talked about it elsewhere on MN under different usernames.

I like the idea of thinking like a holiday. I might try putting things in a suitcase like that and then try and store whatever doesn't fit.

Don’t think too short term. Take your favourite summer stuff too, and sports kit, it’s so good for stress.
Good luck

Thanks! It's kind of the opposite if that makes sense... I've already put my nicest summer things in the storage unit, and will put everything I can there, but need to decide what I will wear until I am free, so I will keep like one suitcase of clothes here so I when it is time to go packing and things aren't too onerous.

Again I am aware that it all sounds so middle class and privileged. I know many have it worse than me, but it has been very stressful. I am lucky I should be able to afford a one bed flat (renting, if I do some extra hours every week) and I can sleep in the lounge and my DD can have the bedroom when she is with me.

You're right about the sports stuff though. I need to start running again. I recently started a new job (which he was angry about - I've been there six weeks, accepted the role in June...and he's never asked where I work or what the job is... Definitely need to leave...) but I've let the exercise slip.

@LambChopsMcGee

Thanks all, this is really useful for my planning!

I'm hoping I'm just paranoid and I'll be able to come back and sort things amicably about future plans (but with me living elsewhere and shared care of DD), but I want to be prepared.

My hope is I'll stay with a friend, so I will have access to washing machine etc, and then hopefully DP will see I'm serious (after two years of him refusing to discuss it or speak with the bank etc, and that was after many years of shit and therapy) and I'll get a little rented flat soon, we shall see though.

It's been so subtle. I doubt he sees it as abuse. Verbal stuff, really. Attacking my personality, hobbies, work, family. He said my dad didn't love me. Various stuff. I've talked about it elsewhere on MN under different usernames.

I like the idea of thinking like a holiday. I might try putting things in a suitcase like that and then try and store whatever doesn't fit.

I don’t mean to be negative, I really don’t OP, but you really need to plan for worse case scenario and part of that is not being able to go back.

You're right. I will prepare for the worst and make sure I don't leave anything precious.

Even if he doesn't go absolutely batshit I do worry he might damage things in anger, so I'll try and get everything out.

It's a real shit show, honestly. I thought telling him it was over would be hard but final, but he's basically not accepted it. We've done therapy twice, I did "try again" but still he's saying I need to try harder, do therapy again... All the while telling me I'm lazy and boring and a bad mother.

Trying to focus on counting pairs of 40 denier tights to stop myself thinking about it!!

How are you doing OP?

I'm ok thank you. He's rowed back on the outright hostility the last week or so but I know I can't waste more of my life.

Hoping to pack and stash more stuff this weekend as he's out doing his hobby. I also need to say I'm not waiting to go through counseling again. I've been really stressed tbh.

Thank you for the support.

So sorry you are going through this! I really hope you are able to leave and be peaceful
and safe. My life is so much happier and lovely without the constant criticism and worry.

I don’t have a lot of tips for clothes. I quickly packed practical things as I left quite suddenly and couldn’t go back for a while. Things I missed and wish I had packed

• my most comfortable bra I’d wear around the house
• my silk pillowcase
• favourite comfortable pyjamas
• face cream, cleanser, hair products (I didn’t have much money and wasn’t up to going to the shops anyway so used bar soap on my face for a few days and my skin went awful).
• my warm bed socks

Just a lot of home comforts that I’d forgotten/didn’t have time to grab

Glad you’re doing ok @LambChopsMcGee.
Day at a time, keep your eyes on the goal.

Dialling back the hostility is temporary. He may sense you are done.
Look after yourself x

Good point about home comforts @CatheP.
Toiletries etc are a good shout OP if you can, for you and DD

How are you doing @LambChopsMcGee?

I'd want a warm, waterproof coat, or a raincoat and packable padded jacket, a denim jacket, and some sort of fleece or hoody. A couple of wool jumpers and a pair of black jeans for maximum versatility. A weeks supply of underwear, and ankle boots and trainers. A few t-shirts to work by themselves or as layers. Swimming costume & towel, or gym kit if I was that way inclined. Toiletries and make-up. Bedding and towels. Warm scarf hat & gloves and a few dress scarves. A midi dress. Hair dryer. Whatever you wear for lounging around -joggers/leggings/cardi/sweatshirt.
Good luck.