Capsule wardrobe from my own things to help me escape shitty DP

[LambChopsMcGee]

A bit of a weird one for the Style and Beauty board, I know, but hey.

I need help deciding on a capsule wardrobe from within my own wardrobe… because I am secretly moving my stuff into storage as I prepare to leave an abusive (the not physically violent) relationship.

I don’t know when I will get to leave. I have said November in my head by maybe more like after Christmas, so I need some warm things. Ideally I would like to keep it to one suitcase full, and a couple of coats. Little enough that I can get it all in a cab quickly when I do leave.

I have got a storage unit and moved a couple of cases already – mostly nice work dresses and going out clothes which aren’t in high demand just now, and I will move shoes apart from a few essential pairs.

This might sound frivolous and privileged, but it’s been really stressful. Getting some things in storage has felt like the first step to leaving.

I am working with Women’s Aid and have spoken with my GP and the police as well. It might be melodramatic to plan like this but he won’t agree to a separation or talking to the bank about taking over the mortgage so I have to take some action.

So. What would I need for a capsule to cover the office (3 days a week), WFH, and weekends with DD (5)? How many tops/what kinds? How many tights? How can I make the fewest items work for me. And somehow not make it look like I have moved all my things (that’s a me problem I think!)

I think I need to focus on this system to keep me sane so please join with any ideas or things I might not have thought of!

TIA!

What’s expensive to replace? Probably coats, shoes/boots, bras if you’re an unusual size, sports bras. Think about what’s easy to replace/cheap (t-shirts, leggings, jeans, socks, pants) and what you might struggle to afford while you get on your feet.

Dressing gown warm one slippers, my friend brought me these boots as well, travel kettle they’re smaller but could be a godsend.

This is a tip for the empty wardrobe problem. Ask your friends if they're having a clear out and can you have the things that they'd throw away or donate to charity and they don't have to be good condition because you just want to try experiments with some new looks. Voilà, full wardrobe. Then leave it all behind when you go.

For the new place, two cushions in case there's nothing else to sit on and doubles as a pillow, blankets for bedding if you're on the floor that first night, a lamp to plug in in case there's no light bulbs in the place, kettle and toaster so you can eat/drink something hot (bread, butter and children's squash juice are easy to transport, as are plastic beakers and plates from the picnic section of the supermarket, no cutlery needed you can melt the butter block straight onto the hot bread).

If he's dialled down the abuse, he's sensed something is up, be careful. Be prepared for his plans to change, come home early this weekend, whatever, be prepared to leave this weekend if you have to or if he turns violent.

All you need for toiletries is loo roll, shower gel that doubles as shampoo (try the men's section or an after swimming product) which you can also wash your clothes in if necessary, a comb and something to tie your hair back with if it's long, face cream and some basic makeup if you wear it usually so you can feel human still, a bath towel or even just a hand towel if you're short of space, tooth brush/paste and sanitary products.

Don't forget phone charger, passport, driving license/log book if applicable and banking paperwork.

Gold jewellery can be sold even if broken so take the lot. Take anything precious to you in case you never get another chance to collect it.

Thanks all.

And sorry for not updating, @Tinitiny especially.

Things have gotten a bit more stressful as he spoke to the bank and can't afford to buy me out, so is now insisting I must work on getting on better. He's saying if I make him sell he will be forced to take DD to where his family live (in this country but a different city).

I don't know what to do. I'm desperate.
I had hoped I could scarper and that would force his hand on taking over the mortgage.

He says he couldn't afford a good enough place for her, and he's also very angry that I have said I would rent a one bed (I would sleep on the couch).

I don't know what to do. I thought I could pay him maintenance?? But he earns more than me and I probably can't afford to pay him enough to make a difference to what he can borrow. Does anyone know how that would work?

I feel foolish, as ever, that I thought I was going to get out.

Goodness, that sounds stressful. You’re not foolish at all! There will be a solution x

I’m sorry, I can’t offer any advice on finances, maybe your bank or CAB would help? Women’s Aid?

Sorry it’s not going as you planned.
Do you know for sure that’s what the bank said or is he lying?
What do Women’s aid say about where you stand legally?

Yeah I need to try Rights of Women again and also the bank. Of course I can't call tomorrow when I'm WFH as he is ALWAYS here. I am home alone one day next week though.

I wish we could just have an actual conversation about it.

I think you need to go back to WA.

Would you be entitled to any benefits at all? Can you move in with a friend temporarily rather than go straight to a flat? Don't take his word on that he can't afford to buy you out... Worse case is that he sells and he rents from the profits for a bit. He is emotionally blackmailing you by saying you can't leave as he can't afford this and that etc. There will be a way out... But I would leave first... And then let that way out unfold, I bet he finds a way to manage financially!

You should post on the relationships board and get more advice.

He can't just 'take' DD. Take her with you and then he can get access through court.

You say DP, are you married as that does make a lot of difference with shared property?

No we're not married.

Yeah. I mean. I know that people are correct when they say he can't just take her. But whenever I talk to people there are like two levels of reality. The facts, and how it feels to be in it.

I know I could force a sale, and could get an order saying he can't take her up north. But his reaction to that would be like...unthinkable. And I imagine he would try to sue me and would say awful things. He's said in the past about trying to get custody.

Now, I know he wouldn't win, but the battle itself would be awful. For her as well. And he is very good at making the narrative that I am as bad if not worse than him. Even just when I talk to him. It's industrial level gaslighting, but he is so good at it.

His insistence is we go to counselling to talk about how to coparent (in the same flat). I need to be willing to really do the work, he says.

I feel so defeated.
There are times I have thought of doing something stupid, or moreso of just fleeing the country (but still paying his mortgage somehow).

DD is 5, so sometimes I think, I've been in this for ten years, if I wait another 6, she will be old enough to understand and I can get out when she is ready for high school.

4 years ago I first told him it was over. He says, yes but then we got back together, but that was only because he gave me no alternative.

Urgh.

Thanks all.