I am trying to dig myself out of a hole

[Laaaayla]

I’m a mess.

My mental health has been absolutely ravaged by lockdown and work and raising my kids. I’m about three stone overweight. I have no nice clothes to wear and I can’t find any that fit. My face is a mess. I look and feel so tired and puffy I could just cry whenever I look in the mirror.

I have no clothes. My make up looks like face paint. My hair is dire (I haven’t had time to get it cut but I have finally sorted an appointment for this week).

Anyone else in this situation? Can anyone give me some tips on where to even begin with this mess?

I just went to your other thread...I didn't want to muddy this one by commenting here so have commented on that one.

Honestly I think in the situation you're in now your priorities really need to be your mental health.

So...

• Getting signed off work, not for a couple of weeks but longer than that

• Eating nutritious food. Ignore calories and dieting for now - that can come later. But nutritious food and not too much alcohol/caffeine will help with your mental health

• Getting decent, regular 8 hours sleep (once signed off)

• B complex, Vitamin D drops, Omega 3 and magnesium supplements (or take Epsom salt baths to absorb magnesium) which are all good for mental health and better skin/hair

• If you have private healthcare with work, use it to see a psychiatrist at The Priory or a similar clinic. If not, then your GP. You may want some medication short(ish) term to help you until you get back on an even keel

• Working until burnout can be a result of having a lack of healthy boundaries around your own welfare. This can be due to lots of things including childhood trauma, emotional neglect or simply not feeling 'good enough'. Does any of that resonate? It may not...but being willing to push yourself to burnout and suicidal thoughts rather than taking time off or putting yourself first isn't a healthy way of looking at the world

I say the last bit with the nicest intentions by the way...I was you a few years ago.

Start with the gym OP but little and often. I used be convinced that if I wasn't going for at least an hour it wasn't worth going, and 9/10 times I'd make an excuse.

I've recently rejoined and literally just do 20-30 minutes at a time, either treadmill, bike, stepper or rowing machine. It fits into my life so much better, encourages me to go because 20 minutes is much more manageable and doing anything is better than doing nothing.

OP, you have just got through 13 months that none of had any chance to prepare for and none of us knew what impact it would have on our lives. If you are still standing, give yourself a lot of credit. If getting through has involved considering chocolate biscuits a legitimate meal plan (me) so be it. If your hairstyle’s gone feral, (me too) that’s fixable. If your mental health has felt the strain, that’s understandable but that too is much more resilient than it may feel at times. If right now five minutes in your garden with a cuppa tea is all you can manage, that’s great. Tomorrow it’ll feel slightly easier. You’ll get there!

I had a happy childhood. I do have crippling issues with self confidence and self esteem. I honestly don’t know why or where it came from. I never feel good enough. I am incredibly hard on myself. I do recognise this on a rational level.

It’s coming to a head. I need my life back.

Best wishes for you tomorrow OP Small thing I have found helpful in juggling things is the meal delivery boxes (Mindful Chef/Gousto/HelloFresh etc) as you can choose the quick healthy options quickly and then they all arrive so you can’t be tempted by other dinners and then have some quick healthy recipe ideas if you don’t want to continue the subscription

Can you sleep earlier?

Imo you need to regard any changes you make as ways of looking after yourself, not ways of fixing things that are wrong with your hair, body etc. E.g. try to eat nutritious food because it tastes good, nourishes you and makes you feel better, not because you think you look bad. Otherwise it's all just a stick to beat yourself with, and you don't need that! Start easy at the gym. Drink plenty of water. Go for a walk. Do litte bits and build up.

I gave up trying to do hour-long yoga sessions a couple of times a week and decided to do a minimum of 10 minutes a day instead, longer if I have time and feel like it. I can always make room for 10 minutes, and I actually end up doing more per week that way, as I often skip it if I feel I have to do an hour.

The problem is that being hard on myself used to drive me forward. I was thin and ambitious and got promoted really quickly at work. And then I had the girls and it all changed. And I couldn’t work till 10pm in the office every night and I couldn’t spend my weekends reading case law and staying ahead of the game. And so now I still have that mentality of being hard on myself only now it’s just self loathing for not being a good enough mum or wife and only being mediocre at work.

I saw my mum for the first time since Christmas last week. She was utterly horrified when she saw me. She phoned me that night and said “that job is going to kill you, you need to get out”. And it really shook me.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now...but this could be an opportunity to resolve all of that.

Your 'burnout' is your body telling you that you need to stop.

If you don't stop and just keep trying to push through it will make things worse. You're in danger of going into adrenal fatigue which will likely end up in a full on breakdown.

A full on breakdown will mean that you can't work anyway...nor look after your children or even get dressed in the morning.

Please put your mental health first.

You were using work as a means to prop up your self esteem when you were younger. If you pushed yourself hard enough, you excelled and that made you feel 'good enough'.

But now you have other priorities which mean you can't do the superhuman job you did before and this is resulting in the crutch that you've been using (work) being taken away.

Which of course is rocking you to your core.

What you need to unpick (which can only be done with help) is the root cause of your self esteem issues.

Until you do that you'll have a tendency to overwork yourself in any job that you do.

What is stopping you from taking some time off?

You are trying to hold everything together but you aren't well...

If your DD came to you in the future and shared what you've shared on MN, what would you say to her?

You ARE good enough ...
In fact you’re amazing.. worked hard and done so well in a good job , had a successful relationship that led to marriage and had 2 daughters ..
you’re acing it in life 😉

Now it’s time to add another task into the mix .. take care of you x

You don’t need to do everything perfectly anymore ... just good enough to keep things moving .
Look after yourself and remind yourself often how well you have done and therefore you’re entitled to a rest and break when possible.
You’ll feel the benefit of it .

My life massively improved when I let standards slip !!
And you know what - it was ok - things weren’t perfect but we got there in the end.

Good luck you sound lovely

Thank you. I really am glad I posted. I’ll be back to Style and Beauty for sure.

wheresmymojo thank you for taking the time to chat to me tonight. You have given me so, so much to think about and really opened my eyes.

And of course all you say is correct. I’d be utterly horrified if my daughter told me this stuff. I’m thinking about taking some time off. I mean it’s realistically career suicide but...maybe that’s alright.

I disagree with the style/skin regime/hair comments. I'd start small. Instead of saying I need to do all of this, a big wonderful goal, say to yourself, I need to lose one stone. Just one stone and every bit of willpower I have will go into losing one stone. The rest can wait. Then when you have lost one stone move other factors into your life. Such as skin care, hair whatever else. But start defined and nothing else matters. Youn can easily drop a stone in 4 weeks.

I could lose weight in four weeks if I could be disciplined, and if I could sleep properly, and I’m trying.

But doing my slap, and so on makes me feel better immediately.

“I am also going to drink more water and I am going to go to the gym for a 30 minute uphill walk on the treadmill.”

This is a great start. I find it helpful to reframe exercise as being precious ‘alone time’ or ‘me time’ So exercise doesn’t feel like a chore so much as an opportunity to have 30 mins of time out to listen to a podcast / audiobook away from the demands of work and children. Thinking of exercise as an opportunity for some headspace and a chance to listen to something that interests/entertains me without interruptions from others means that I actively look forward to it. Good luck OP

I think your mental health is your priority at the moment. You do sound as though you’re on the very edge of what you can cope with. As a practical aside, you know that exercise is important for both your physical and mental health. Instead of the gym I’ve been doing EvaFitness () a YouTube class (so free) that’s just aerobics but REALLY fast! Most classes are about 1/2 an hour and they’ve made such a difference to my energy levels and shape. They’re not hard and they burn about 300 calories in half an hour.

OP. Go to your GP. Get some basic bloods done ? Iron ? Diabetes ( if you have gained a lot weight quickly) ? Thyroid ? Consider depression
Make sure nothing physically wrong
For myself

• every little bit exercise helps - even 10 mins walking fast
• drink lots water
• try to stop eating too much whatever you emotionally eat ? Sugar ? Carbs
• haircut is great!
• wardrobe - go and see if you can get a few things cheaply that make you feel better ? E bay. Go for good fibres linen , cotton and not polyester crap
• phone and meet with a friend, go for a walk, coffee outside

You will get there! Good luck!

You’ve got a really great list started here- I’m wondering if it might be worth writing all these things down for yourself so when you find yourself with some time you can just refer to it for a quick pick me up.

I also have a few things to add to the list....

Batch cooking- I have recently gained some weight, more to do with being unwell than lockdown. On Sunday I batch cook my lunches for the week and pop them in the freezer. I then combine this with a couple easy choices for breakfast and a protein shake (I have a high protein requirement) means that about 70% of my calories are covered by “good” food so if the other 30% slips who the fuck cares. Also, my weight loss goals are slow and steady, about 100g per day rather than 1kg per week. I’m sure that if you tell us what things you like to eat you’ll get some good recipes.

For your mental health I would suggest following/reading Dr Nicole LePara. She talks more about traumatic childhoods and reparenting but I wonder if some of the work she does around mindfulness and journaling would be helpful for you. Also there is a lot about being a person who is constantly doing which might resonate with you.

Also for skincare, rather than trying to try a bunch of stuff maybe for now you can get something from Skin&Me (is that right?). Then you’ve only got one thing to get on your face rather than 7 different serums and creams.

And lastly, those Footner feet exfoliating packs- you can do it on a call!

Don’t know what to say about sleep, but come back to this thread if you figure it out because mine is a mess....

OP, lockdown has been such a downward mental health spiral for so many, even those fortunate enough to escape some of the worst effects of covid (still got a job, not lost loved ones).

Being at home with kids all year has utterly ruined what used to be a good exercise regime for me so I completely sympathise on that front and the whole not being able to start up again. Glad to see you are going to go gently with a treadmill walk to begin with. If you’re anything like me you want to go full tilt or nothing - because my head tells me what’s the point otherwise! - but you won’t do it again if it’s impossibly hard.

My recent saviour has been getting out of the house for a morning walk, just that, listening to an archived desert island disc interview (there’s thousands of them, and they last approx 30-40 mins). I feel so so much better for the fresh air, the slight mental stimulation, and I push myself to go a little faster each day. Sometimes I run a little bit, mostly I just walk. I’m building up some fitness and stamina, but mainly I’m getting back to the habit of finding time for morning exercise so that it becomes a natural thing to do. In time I’ll ramp it up but I’m just soaking up the mental health benefits for now. All the best.

On a podcast i was listening to yesterday it talked about how a lot of learning and self improvement has become quite negative and really feeds the negative voice.

What went wrong? How can i do better? What mistakes did i make. What must i avoid. It sounds like this is the voice you have used to drive your career forwards. Its also now kicking your arse in your personal life.

They talked about resetting and that there is no arrogance by acknowledging and trying to find out more about what went well. 'I felt a bit better today, why was that? What did i do? Who did i talk to, what went well?' Wow i represented that case really well etc.

Journalling might help with this. It helps me have a more compassionate talk back to my inner critic.

I know its huge-but you would not be the first lawyer to quit law. I know two. One works for the DWP and one runs a cake business from home. Both are very happy. Im not saying do it- im just saying-it happens.

Something else i took away. Is that 'you never arrive'. You strive and strive and when you get there the goalpost moves. So you have to learn to be happy and to be kind to yourself for where you are and what you are today.

@wheresmymojo that is a brilliant post! I did all of those things before I even lost a pound. I can't loose weight unless I actually like myself first. It's like I feel I don't deserve to have nice make up/cloths etc.

The only thing I would add op, is that I think you need to talk to your gp about depression. You sound depressed and I think would benefit for some support with it.

You may not be depressed, it’s been a hellish year mentally and situationally can have a big impact.

I’m glad you posted this too op. Sometimes saying that has been really shit and hard can be first step to next place.

Work sounds really hard though. I hope something can be done there.

We’re all rooting for you, S&B and mh are linked imo and I really get how tough it’s been.

Gym for treadmill sounds great.