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I am trying to dig myself out of a hole

98 replies

Laaaayla · 02/05/2021 21:37

I’m a mess.

My mental health has been absolutely ravaged by lockdown and work and raising my kids. I’m about three stone overweight. I have no nice clothes to wear and I can’t find any that fit. My face is a mess. I look and feel so tired and puffy I could just cry whenever I look in the mirror.

I have no clothes. My make up looks like face paint. My hair is dire (I haven’t had time to get it cut but I have finally sorted an appointment for this week).

Anyone else in this situation? Can anyone give me some tips on where to even begin with this mess?

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 02/05/2021 22:15

I'm a size 22 (put 5 stone on when I had a breakdown a few years ago) and I was in a similar situation.

I've got myself out of it over the past few weeks and I have to say I disagree about doing the weight first.

Firstly because who wants to feel like shit until they've lost 3 stone.

Secondly because feeling good about yourself actually spurs you on to lose weight. Feeling shit just makes you want to stay in the house.

I'm assuming money wise things are okay (I had to do everything on a budget due to COVID job issues)...

  • Get yourself booked in at a nice hairdresser: use Pinterest to start a board of potential hairstyles
  • Decide what kind of style you want to aim for: classic, chic, sexy, on trend, casual, elegant?
  • Do a DIY colour analysis (lots of websites help with this) to decide what colours suit you most
  • Start a Pinterest board with style inspiration based on the look you want to aim for and your colour palette
  • Go through your wardrobe and get rid of anything that doesn't fit your new style. Pack away everything that doesn't fit.
  • Start purchasing some items that match your style and colours, aim to go for the top end of what you would usually spend. Quality and good fit over quantity.
  • When it arrives only keep anything that makes you feel 7.5-8 out of 10. Send anything else back.
  • Watch beauty YouTuber Andrea Ali for make up looks that are good for everyday and not too complicated
  • Get into a skincare regime. A decent cleanser, a retinol based serum if you're concerned about wrinkles. An AHA based toner if you're more concerned about texture/acne scars/etc. A decent moisturiser.
  • Purchase some decent make up basics. You can't go wrong with Nars foundation, concealer, their orgasm blusher, etc
  • Dig out nail polish and pop it next to where you watch TV. Do your nails while you watch TV
  • Buy and take some B Complex and Omega 3 supplements daily.

That's already 2 or 3 weeks worth of things to do...

WouldBeGood · 02/05/2021 22:16

And maybe buy a pretty, cheap dress off ASOS just as a mood boost.

Laaaayla · 02/05/2021 22:17

My diet is appalling because I simply haven’t had time to apply my mind to it. I don’t really have time to cook. I like pinch of nom but I find the stuff takes ages and/or a huge pile of ingredients.

My sleep is atrocious. I work regularly till 1am and have now ended up in a cycle where I average 5-6 hours per night and can’t break it. That’s a huge cause of my issues.

OP posts:
RudeAF · 02/05/2021 22:18

I find my make up looks terrible if I am tired or haven’t drank enough water! Being tired is quite hard to tackle but I got a massive 3 litre water bottle from Amazon and keep it next to me while working. I am rubbish at drinking water when I work from home, probably as when I’m in the office it’s a good excuse to go for a wander and chat, so the bottle has helped.

SloeSummer · 02/05/2021 22:19

My twopenneth also includes, don't give yourself too much to do.

If you can turn it into a fun project and you want to, that's great. But I am more in slow recovery mode. I did have a phase of doing tough workouts but then lost that motivation quickly.

I wasn't really into style or beauty but my deterioration has shocked me!

HenryHooverIII · 02/05/2021 22:20

I have been where you are OP. Not with lockdown, but post natal depression that went on for about three years. I was in a really, very dark place and it has only been in the last 18 months or so I've gotten better.

I disagree with those saying focus on your weight first. Focus on accepting yourself as you are first. Even if you do something drastic and lose a stone a month, that's three months you've got to sit around with nothing to wear and feel even worse about yourself in the process. Buy clothes that fit you as you are now, for the life you have now. Having something nice and comfortable to wear everyday makes a huge mental difference.

Instead of trying to do everything at once, focus on one small step at a time. Trying to do everything all at once will leave you exhausted and overwhelmed. Get a new face cream and put it on everyday. Then try a new nail colour. Try drinking more water, then build up to more veg, then build up to the gym etc.

My recovery has been a long road, but various things that have made me feel better about myself have snowballed over time. It is only really now after 18 months I am making an active effort to lose weight, and it has only been after fully accepting myself as I am. Trying to lose weight from a place of self loathing will not work (been there, bought the t-shirt!)

Laaaayla · 02/05/2021 22:20

This is bloody brilliant. I am so glad I posted. Thank you wheresmymojo what a fab post.

Make up - I wear Mac foundation. No primer. I’m essentially following the same make up routine I followed when I was 18 and at 36 it ain’t working for me any more. So primer. And I live in —a backwater— a place where there is no easy access to good make up so I think I might take myself to Glasgow for the day and go to frasers or similar.

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 02/05/2021 22:20

Your sleep needs to be your priority to fix.

Do all of your colleagues work until 1am?

Doing that on a regular basis is not good for your mental health at all.

JeanClaudeVanDammit · 02/05/2021 22:22

I also disagree about focusing on weight first. I’m not saying don’t try to lose weight if that’s what you want, and it’s probably the thing that will make the biggest difference - but you need some quick wins. Getting your hair done, your brows done, your make up, a nice new top - those are things that will have an instant impact on how you look and feel about yourself. Weight loss whether by diet or exercise takes time. If you wait until you’ve lost weight to start making a change with your appearance you might never do it (I’m speaking from experience).

Laaaayla · 02/05/2021 22:23

No but I’m in a very unhealthy place with work at the moment. See my previous thread if you’re especially interested.

But I am working on it. I’m looking for new jobs (having no luck) but I’m also going to speak my my boss about how I’m feeling. It’s just too much. I’m very burned out.

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 02/05/2021 22:23

You need fixes that take zero effort and time, given how knackered you must be.

Dyeing eyebrows and lashes at home costs pence and takes 5 min while watching telly.

Ditto toenail varnish and a satisfying scrape with a grater.

Moisturiser fake tan can be slapped on after shower, takes about 3 min.

Deep condition hair and face mask on while washing up after dinner. Steam from hot water also makes them work better.

Sofa exercises for ankles etc work a treat, as do a lot of sitting stretches, all doable while watching telly.

Wear scent daily, mood booster to all, takes 3 secs.

Do one of these every night or so and you’ll be groomed without noticing.

wheresmymojo · 02/05/2021 22:24

This was my exact problem...

All the products I was using were all of a sudden no good for my face.

They were sitting in creases wrinkles, sitting on top of my skin weirdly, making me look older than I am.

Andrea Ali is an older YouTuber (as in late 30's not elderly) so is great for recommending things that work for 30s-40s rather than 20s.

I've ordered all my make up from Cult Beauty online last week, came with a free gift bag full of skincare worth £150 which I'm using to get a proper skincare regime in place.

BunnyRuddington · 02/05/2021 22:25

I like pinch of nom but I find the stuff takes ages and/or a huge pile of ingredients. OK, I totally get that. I've only just started cooking Pinch of Nom recipes but agree that they can be time consuming. If you are eating poorly and not getting much sleep I would start by taking a vitamin and mineral supplement, just in case you are short if anything.

One recipe I like, which is easy, is the Hairy Dieter's bacon and eggs. It's quick, tasty and only 300 calories. Makes a nice breakfast or weekend lunch.

BunnyRuddington · 02/05/2021 22:30

Sorry should have added, if you get the chance, maybe whilst driving, have a listen to Food & Mood. It's a really good programme about how making small changes to your diet can help your mental health.

wheresmymojo · 02/05/2021 22:31

I've now got a box of stuff next to my seat on the sofa and do face masks, nails, hand cream, foot cream for my hooves while I'm watching TB with DH.

That's been a bit of a game changer for me as I would never usually feel like I had time to do these things.

Getting back into a skincare regime can be daunting but honestly, unless you have sensitive skin, I think doing something is more important than getting the absolute perfect products to start with.

At the moment I'm using a cheap cleanser I already had in the house, then Ren AHA Toner and then Fresh Rose Deep Hydrating Moisturiser. The last 2 were in my free gift from Cult Beauty but are working well, rated 5 stars and not too expensive.

I've also used Alpha H Liquid Gold now and previously - you use it 2 or 3 times a week at night. Literally takes seconds as you just wipe it over your face with a cotton pad and that was amazing for fresher looking skin.

Laaaayla · 02/05/2021 22:31

Thank you 😊 I will try that

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 02/05/2021 22:32

Oh, poor you! You've really been through it. I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to go all practical on you.

First and foremost, have a nice bath or shower and give yourself a break. It's been a shit year.

It'll sound weird, but make sure you thoroughly blow your nose, clean around piercings and any nooks and crannies - the amount of dust we've breathed in from being in the house so much more than usual without the opportunities for going out to blow the cobwebs away does affect us. Wash your hair really well, rinse far more than usual, use conditioner and rinse well again.

Once you're all clean and pink, start off by shaving if you do that, and using a body cream or lotion that fills your skin with moisture. If you have the energy at the same time, give yourself a pedicure, dry your hair so it's smooth and sort out your fingernails so they're smooth and even and the cuticles feel smooth. Then go to bed in fresh nightclothes and get some sleep.

In the morning, you can plan to get your eyebrows shaped. It makes a huge difference to your face and mood, as you already look part 'done' before anything else has happened.

You might not like the size you are right now, but I can promise you that there are clothes in your current size. Buy some that fit you now, along with some underwear and new socks; you don't have to spend a fortune, just spend what you need to have something fresh to wear for each day. They're temporary, just tiding you over so that you are physically comfortable.

Then you can think about makeup. We've all been pretty much indoors for a year, so we're much, much paler than we've been probably since we were about 11. Look at a CC/BB in a lighter shade. Lay off the contouring, baking and heavy stuff and start again with a small palette of lighter shades matching your undertone (pink for example) with one mid, one contrasting dark, some mascara/a subtle brow colour (probably lighter if you think your makeup is too heavy now), some lighter blusher (or use the mid tone if it's a colour that is appropriate) and a couple of lip pencils/gloss in flattering shades for you.

You've now got nice hands, nice feet, eyebrows, a new load of makeup to be applied with a lighter touch to tone with your lockdown skin colour, soft skin and some new, comfortable clothes. If you need to, get your hair cut and blowdried at a salon, if not, give it some good moisturising treatments.

I think you will feel far better when you've got those things in place and then you might feel able to address weight gain/fitness/activity levels. Because you're being gentle on yourself after a bloody horrendous time, rather than beating yourself up for feeling rubbish.

On a health point, make sure you're getting your vitamin D especially, but some multivitamins will help you in general. Treat yourself to good food - buy the strawberries, get the fresh watermelon and feta, whatever it is in terms of lighter meals that make you feel good. Plenty of water. And take time in the morning to sit and stretch at the end of your bed before you go anywhere else - once you've washed your face/showered, you'll feel more awake and ready to go.

I'd also say buy yourself some new, low cost gym kit/swimming costume/towel. It feels good to be training in new things, you're less self conscious for a start. And then think about what you would do first - not launch into a huge routine multiple times a week, just what you like best - and then tell yourself you're just going to go for twenty minutes and then you can go home again. If you still hate it after twenty minutes on the rowing machine or treadmill, doing a gentle pace, you go home again - but I think you'll likely want to stay a bit longer once you're there.

Everything's harder when you've been knocked back so much for so long. You need time, daylight, fresh air, activity, good food and rest. I promise you it will begin to feel less overwhelming if you accept you've been through a lot and need to start somewhere small and build back up again.

Fkrkrodps · 02/05/2021 22:33

I’m in the same boat. I’ve deteriorated so much over the past year, it’s shocking. Also doesn’t help that I’ve underinvested in myself for so long and now it has come to a head. Best of luck to you in getting where you want to be. My only suggestion is a spray moisturiser, because it’s quick.

anxietyanonymous · 02/05/2021 22:33

I listened to the Dr Rangan Chatterjee episode of the Happy Place podcast today. He is a gp who writes books and does tv about well being. But hes very accessible.

Apparently scientific evidence says five minutes a day is enough self care to begin making a difference.

He also speaks beautifully about what he calls 'the motivation curve'. He says if you set a target that is only realistic at the peak of your motivation (naturally tails off and decreases) then you are setting yourself up to fail. But if you set something more geared to the lower end of your motivation curve then you will succeed and make it a lifestyle change. So don't say you are going to run 10k for times a week. But perhaps say you are going to aim for 10,000 steps most days. Or do do squats every time you boil the kettle etc.

I don't know-but it struck a chord with me anyway! X

wheresmymojo · 02/05/2021 22:33

For ideas on what suits you clothes wise try watching Justine Leconte on YouTube.

Especially her videos on working out whether you have warm or cool tones and the ones on dressing for body shape.

Laaaayla · 02/05/2021 22:36

My body shape is horrible at the best of times. I am 5’2 with very short legs and since my sections I carry my weight on my stomach.

Quite a picture really isn’t it.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/05/2021 22:39

Getting your hair cut (I just have mine trimmed as it's long), eyebrows shaped and mani can do wonders!

I only use tinted moisturiser mixed with BB cream instead of foundation.

I wish I could afford Botox!

TawnyPippit · 02/05/2021 22:43

Can you get to the gym? I think the big mistake people make is to try too much too soon. How about doing a brisk walk on the treadmill for 30 mins with headphones in listening to a podcast? It’s both a great entry level gym thing, and also really good exercise. I can recommend some great podcasts if you need some - we all can help there. You switch off from the day to day, hear something interesting - really good stimulating stuff. It really carves out some separate time.

You can put on a few spurts, and at some stage move up to the cross trainer. But 3 x 30 mins a week solid walking and listening to something fun will really lift your mood. You need a proper sports bra but other than that can make do with what you have. If you do that for a month you will honestly feel a lot better and I’m pretty sure you will feel piqued to try something else.

Nitpickpicnic · 02/05/2021 22:49

I’ve had great success with using wrist and ankle weights. They are like a wide Velcro cuff. I put them on whenever I’m at home. Just adds that bit more exercise/resistance to household chores. You really notice it when you hang out the washing, for instance. Glimpsing the weights also helps me remember my weightloss goals, so I’m less likely to snack, etc.

Got them from Amazon, they come in different weights. Some have sand in them, some metal rods, and I think you can get water ones. Wish I’d bought ones where you can vary the weights inside, as I’m getting stronger faster than I thought!

Laaaayla · 02/05/2021 22:49

Ok. Tomorrow is day one. DD1 and I are going into town. I’m going to buy myself some new underwear (she won’t tolerate me trying to buy actual clothes, I need time on my own to do that) and some decent skincare products.

I am also going to drink more water and I am going to go to the gym for a 30 minute uphill walk on the treadmill.

I will not work. I will not have wine.

I think that’s a realistic start.

OP posts: