Help! Jeans emergency

[Bcnamechanger]

Dear dear lovely people of style and beauty (of which I have neither). DH is a man of unique loveliness but has just tumble dried my last pair of jeans that doesn't have a thigh hole of oft-chafedness.

I haven't managed to buy a pair of jeans I like for five years : ergo, I prostate myself and seek aid from the hive mind.

I am short (5'3" on a good day).

I am fat (14 on a good day but I can't remember the last one - let's say 16 so I can breathe/overindulge at Xmas)
I like cotton.
I have an arse a double decker bus would be proud of, but if things fit on the arse they gape at the back of the waist.
I refuse to countenance the possibility that jeans will ever be worth over a hundred quid (is normally day £50 but I'm desperate).
I have no interest in fashion - let's leave the super skinnies to their namesakes, eh?

Please help me with some suggestions so I can do a lightening raid on the (non-London) shops tomorrow and leave with The Bags Of Success.

Update: Massimo dutti arrived this morning, unfortunately he brought cigarette jeans with massive back gap and weird bagginess in the calf area (I suspect on a normally proportioned person this would be where the knees are). Bust.

However, he also brought the holy of holies, in the form of high rise straight jeans that actually fit on both the arse and waist. Yes, they're nearly a foot too long and the flare is like something from pans people but did I mention that they fit on the arse and waist? A keeper - I'm off to get them shortened.

I've also ordered every variant of Tu jeans in 14/16, short and regular. They'll arrive sometime. I have high hopes based on the hive mind...

Now, I really need some walking shoes.....

What type of walking shoes? Actual walking shoes or day to day comfy shoes.

@Sexnotgender was teasing. Kind of. Merrell/Brasher/ waterproof goretex no fun flat shoes for Scottish winter. Pavements, tracks and trails - the type where you don't need walking boots but anything trainery gets trashed.

Realistically, I think I feel a be-masked trip to Rogersons coming on. I could pretend I'm going to a masked ball and get my Cinderella on for the event, right?

I'm all just birds nest hair and sensible shoes

I just bought my husband some Salomon goretex walking shoes. He’s now on his second pair. Definitely recommend.

I live in Ecco boots, I’ve got one pair of goretex ones that are incredibly comfortable and warm.

@Bcnamechanger, I really like Keen walking shoes. I have wide feet. You can get them in Tiso’s. I am the queen of online shopping, but I always try on walking boots etc. I’m like Cinderella like that.

Tesco have lots of nice ones. I got some size 14 charcoal ones, with shaping somewhere in the description, soft ad comfy as leggins but look very good on. £16. I could afford to spend a lot more but I don't actually need to.

Second KEEN shoes amazingly robust and proper toe box i have feet that are narrowing heel and high instep but bunion (thanks mum) and they only ones that work out the box..
Decathlon good -not the cheapest couple of steps up if u have more normal feet..
Merrell if you have narrower....

@averythinline, you have the same shape feet as me!

Mine are M&S mid rise, similar size to you(I'm a little taller so buy 16 long)

I have the problem with the back of the waist being too big, have up on jeans years ago.

Get the back of the waist altered and try Levi's 724.

I'm 5'3" with a small waist and an - ahem - ample behind and I swear by M&S Ivy jeans.

Moving aside from the actual jeans issue itself OP, you have not addressed the cause of the problem. DH needs to be put over your knee and feel the back of your hairbrush. Discipline is important isn’t it?

m&s jeans are lovely, and also Ruth Langsford's jeans for qvc, no gaping whatsoever. very impressed with them.