Can I wear this dress to a funeral?

[suchagoofball]

I'm attending a funeral next week and tried on my suit only to find that the skirt no longer fits (I put on some weight over winter - I am working to get rid of it but obviously won't be able to do so in the next few days). I have another skirt that does fit but is a little bit tight so I'd rather not wear it if I don't have to.

I wondered if I can get away with this dress instead? It is a dark dress, albeit with white flowers. I'd be wearing it with black heels and either a cardigan or my suit jacket, depending on the weather.

(It hangs weirdly on the hanger but it looks much better when it's on, I promise! I can try and dig out a pic of me wearing it if that helps)

"Apart from evening dress I doubt most men have a black suit."

I don't really agree with this. After a certain age, some men will have a black suit bought specifically for funerals. Almost everyone, except one pp above who does have black jeans, owns black trousers.

"I am a celebrant and go to lots of funerals (!)"

By celebrant, do you mean that you do non-religious funerals?
So maybe less traditional?

"Most mourners wear smart clothes in darker colours - navy, grey, brown etc"

I've said all along that very dark colours are acceptable as an alternative to black, but not usually just any colour.

DH family are Irish and they all wear full black too, with the women wearing mantillas in the church.

Wow. I've been to many Irish funerals. Yet to see a lace mantilla!

Almost everyone, except one pp above who does have black jeans, owns black trousers

Are you seriously trying to say that black jeans are acceptable funeral wear?

Admitt day my sons wore them to my father's funeral but that is because the dress code was specifically not formal.

Anyway, you seem to think your idea of funeral dress is the only appropriate one. We get it, you think only black is completely appropriate with "somber" colours being the acceptable alternative. Lots of people think otherwise.

Yes it's fine, however 'strict' the dress code will be.

I don't own a single item of black clothing.

Today I'm going to make sure my family and friends know I don't care what they wear to my funeral.

"Lots of people think otherwise."

Yes, but based on things like 'nobody wears all black to funerals now', which is clearly not true, or 'my DM said wear bright colours' which is completely irrelevant to the OP, or 'I wore red to my DF's funeral' which is again irrelevant to the OP.
We're talking about what to wear if you haven't been given a specific dress code i.e. playing it safe.

OP, I’m going to my darling Dad’s funeral tomorrow and am in similar predicament. The dress I’ve chosen is v similar to yours, but I’ve decided to wear black tights and shoes with it rather than open toes and no tights, regardless of the weather. Going to wear it with a brighter but respectable cardigan or jacket.

I've been to quite a lot of funerals, several of them for people who were in their 90s and from an Irish Catholic culture (UK). They've always been smart but low key and unobtrusive and sober colours. I've hardly ever seen head to toe black and never seen a mantilla.

Providing it's not too short and it's worn with dark, sober accessories that dress looks fine to me. I would say the most important thing is not to wear anything that might draw attention to yourself. The event is not about you and even a black dress could be inappropriate if very clingy or high fashion. A mantilla can look very dramatic so, unless it's something you already wear regularly, then I would avoid.

My normal rule is that, if anyone can remember anything I was wearing the day after, then I've done it wrong.

I would personally wear a black cardigan over it buttoned to the waist. That way the pattern only shows on the skirt. And I would wear black tights and flat or very very low-heeled black shoes.

I think what Floisme said in the post above is absolutely spot on. Dark, modest, unobtrusive, relatively formal, and absolutely unmemorable is the way to go.

Perfect for a funeral - just sombre enough but will break up a sea of black.

It's a very traditional church. Many of the women wear them for the normal Sunday service.

Previous post was in response to crinoline.

I'm going to the funeral of my aunt next week. It's at a woodland burial site and we've been instructed to wear wellies if it's been raining. The drive will be a long one and for both these reasons I'll be wearing comfortable clothes. I'll be showing my love for my aunt and cousins by being there.

Latin Mass congregations (where you might see mantillas) are a very small minority though. Same goes for ultra modest women's wear and all black clothing for funerals.

I have been to lots of catholic and Methodist funerals in the last 5 years and that dress would be appropriate in those settings.

I don't agree that all black for funerals is rare or a minority. I went to four last year - most attendees were in full black and one of them had about 200 people in attendance.

And why wouldn't you wear all black? Maybe if you didn't own anything black and were skint then you would go in the darkest clothes you had. But don't most people have a funeral outfit? I have a black blouse that only comes out for funerals. The skirt and cardigan are worn at other times.

I think it’s fine. I haven’t been to any funeral where it’s all black. Last year at two funerals and at both the immediate family just wore normal every day summer clothes.

At my grans funeral, my Thai sil wore a sheer lace blouse with her bra very much on show. Like she was about to go clubbing, No one said anything to her.

For some reason this reminds me of my mother.

I had taken her to a spectacularly beautiful Anglican church for evensong in a place where I had permission to sit just behind the choir. I wondered what she would remark on. Would it be the vaulting? The choral singing? The stained glass? The beautiful altarpiece...

Eventually she turned to me and said, 'That man over there is wearing tennis shoes. I don't know what your father would say.'

The point is that a funeral is a place where we go to say farewell to a person who has died and to take our place in the community of the bereaved.

While there are cultures that have very set mourning customs - and rules about clothing - the modern UK is not really such a place.

At such occasions it is the person who is more obsessed with minute details of other people's clothing - rather than with remembering a life that's ended - who is lacking in respect.

But don't most people have a funeral outfit?

I doubt that, based on the outfits I have seen, and especially not in all black. And you are really talking about two or more funeral outfits too - you couldn't wear your winter funeral outfit to a summer funeral..

Even though funerals here (US) and in Ireland tend to take place within a week of the death, and you might expect people would realise that once a funeral is announced there will be little time for shopping so it would be wise to have something wearable, most women in the congregations I have been in for funerals very clearly cobbled something dark or black together with time pressing upon them.

I had to dash out with my teenage DDs to buy clothes for them when exFIL died. It was the end of summer, right in between retail seasons, and there was literally nothing black in the shops. We ended up in second hand shops and did ok but it was a close run thing. If we have to go to another funeral (one grandmother not in great shape) we will be faced with a similar mad dash, because teenagers grow and change shape, and adults can gain and lose weight too. I think most people have some items that are blackish or dark or generally sombre that they take out of the wardrobe, dust off, and say, 'It will have to do'.

I have been to many Catholic funerals, some Unitarian and some Lutheran in the past ten years. The attire has been formal, with lots of black visible, but I have never been in any congregation where even 5% of the people wore all black, even when the death was tragic and the community was overwhelmed by grief (three suicides and several untimely deaths).

I normally wear a lot of black and dark grey but not necessarily in a smart style. For a funeral I personally have a pair of smart black trousers for cold weather and a pair of black cigarette pants for warm weather, a top with a black background with small dark purple and dark green dots for warm weather and a cardigan to go over that if it's cold, a pair of smart black shoes, pair of smart black sandals, and a pair of black boots. Also a black wool overcoat. None of the blacks go together really. Overall I would describe my look as 'funeral frump'.

For men, black shoes and a black tie with a suit makes it easier. I have seen jeans plus black shirt however. Absolutely nobody would ever get sniffy about what someone else wore to a funeral though.

I think the only thing that would cause comment would be turning up in all black to the funeral of someone who was not a close relative (not immediate family). I think that would be considered presumptuous or attention seeking.

Overall I would describe my look as 'funeral frump'

Is it bad of me that that made me laugh? I do know what you mean.

OP, I’m going to my darling Dad’s funeral tomorrow and am in similar predicament. The dress I’ve chosen is v similar to yours, but I’ve decided to wear black tights and shoes with it rather than open toes and no tights, regardless of the weather. Going to wear it with a brighter but respectable cardigan or jacket.

Sorry for your loss.
I can't wear black tights unfortunately as the only black tights I have are all bobbled for some reason and, as previously mentioned, I'm tiny so struggle to find tights that aren't far too long. I am wearing closed-toe heels.

Providing it's not too short and it's worn with dark, sober accessories that dress looks fine to me. I would say the most important thing is not to wear anything that might draw attention to yourself. The event is not about you and even a black dress could be inappropriate if very clingy or high fashion. A mantilla can look very dramatic so, unless it's something you already wear regularly, then I would avoid.

It's just past knee length, so not too short. Accessories wise, I'm keeping it minimal, just small silver stud earrings and a watch most likely.

And I would wear black tights and flat or very very low-heeled black shoes.

I don't own flats or very, very low heeled shoes (I always wear heels because I'm small and feel very self-conscious if I don't). I'm going to be wearing smart heels, they're not ridiculous stilettos or anything.

If you always wear heels in every day life and are able to walk in them without staggering then I doubt anyone will notice your shoes tbh OP.

I think the only thing that would cause comment would be turning up in all black to the funeral of someone who was not a close relative (not immediate family). I think that would be considered presumptuous or attention seeking.

I was nodding along with most of your post until this bit, mathanxiety. Slightly horrified by the idea that someone donning a black outfit to show respect to the dead and the bereaved family, perhaps wearing all-black intentionally so as not to offend any family sensibilities, could be accused of presumption just for wearing traditional dress to a funeral. Reminds me of the phrase "you can't do right for doing wrong".

I think it's a bit like not trying to outdress the bride at a wedding.

If you're not one of the most immediately bereaved, heavy black can look a bit theatrical. As if you're trying to suggest you're devastated.

I think more and more people now opt for quiet, muted colours - unless bright clothing has been requested by the family.

NB - When my father died my daughter who was 10 asked her best friends - twins from a Muslim background - for advice on clothing. She told me they'd advised a veil. I said I didn't think that would be necessary.

Slightly horrified by the idea that someone donning a black outfit to show respect to the dead and the bereaved family, perhaps wearing all-black intentionally so as not to offend any family sensibilities, could be accused of presumption just for wearing traditional dress to a funeral. I agree with Mathsanxiety - looking like you are in deep mourning is only seen as appropriate for the close family members...it's almost like wanting a bit of the sympathy that has been extended towards them. It's just not appropriate. You'll hear people saying "No you don't wear all black you hardly know the family!" Mind you, this is in Ireland where you go to a funeral or the wake of someone you knew quite casually - you show your face, so to speak.