I’m completely paranoid about my appearance and it’s taken over my life

[OverwateredCheeseplant]

I’m nearly 40 and so tired of this. I got picked on at school for some bad hair cuts/flat chest/ prominent teeth. I got picked on at home for everything I did and said being stupid or wrong. I got called names including goofy by an ex boyfriend. Despite being happily married for ten years I can’t shake all the criticism and it has manifested itself in paranoia re my appearance, mainly my body size and hair.

I’ve got kinky wavy hair in a bob. If I straighten it it either looks flat and shit or it starts to go wavy when the slightest bit of moisture touches it (and as we live in England, that’s a lot). If I leave it wavy I feel I look a mess.
I’m so paranoid about my teeth resting on my lip and it makes me feel ashamed.
I’m a size 12-14 and feel in my head like I’m mahoosive (logically I know I’m not). I berate myself for not being a size 10 like I once was (it was fucking hard to get down to that with my curvy hips and bum, I had to eat like a bird) and am aware that my mum and sister would look down on me for not being skinny like them (thankfully we are no contact these days).
These thoughts have taken over my life and I don’t know how to take control and be able to look in the mirror without recoiling in horror. I check myself in mirrors constantly.

What can I do?

I think you sound beautiful. I wish you could see yourself like that. Unique, valuable and loved. With a body that works as it should. It’s a gift.

Other people’s unsubstantiated opinions and passing thoughtless remarks are a reflection of their ugliness. Not a reflection of you.

Your hair sounds fine and very normal. Your dress size is also entirely normal, but if you want to lose weight healthily join something like WW or SW, which encourages healthy eating and gradual, sustainable weight loss. Only you can decide if this is a priority for you though as you don't sounds overweight. As for your teeth, if you hate them and feel they spoil your appearance, have you spoken to your dentist about having some orthodontistry? Sticking out teeth are pretty easy to fix.

Have you looked into doing CBT to change your pattern of thinking?

The NHS delivers some CBT treatment online. You could call your GP surgery and ask for details.

First off you don't look any better or worse than 99% of the population. There is 1% that are supermodels but they look that way due to genetics so it's pointless thinking we're ever going to look like them!

Your problem is your low self esteem not your looks.

www.amazon.co.uk/Body-Image-Workbook-Eight-Step-Learning/dp/1572245468/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ref=plSrch&keywords=the+body+image+workbook&dpPl=1&dpID=51GfaqgOTpL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1553680076&sr=8-1

I think the only thing needing fixing is how you see yourself. We all have moments of wishing our hair was better or boobs a certain way or eyebrows a better shape, and that’s ok. But there really is no need to be anything other than clean and healthy in terms of appearance. Attitude is a different matter. Being happy, confident and resilient are very attractive traits, far more important than how you look. Can you find a way to work on those things rather than putting energy into the bottomless pit of trying to ‘fix’ your face and body?

Another good read for you

www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Good-about-Way-Look-ebook/dp/B005CWSBZW/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ref=plSrch&keywords=sabine+wilhelm&dpPl=1&dpID=51c2%2BHNI06L&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1553680368&sr=8-2

I can’t afford orthodontistry right now.

Thank you for the book suggestions

I really feel for you, it sounds like you have had a really hard time. I think you have made the first step already in that you realise it’s how you think about your appearance that’s the problem, not your appearance itself.

CBT might be helpful. Also some treatments like massage or something like yoga, swimming or mindful walking which helps you get in touch with your body in terms of how it feels and what it can do, not what it looks like. You sound quite cut off from yourself and in need of some gentle self-care.

You sound quite cut off from yourself

Yes I often feel very floaty and like my brain is all over the place. Not with it or grounded. If that’s what you mean.

Gene Tierney is remembered as being one of the most beautiful women in films.

She too was insecure about her looks as she had an overbite. But it made her beauty unique.

'Her nose and mouth were small, and she had an overbite that a childhood dentist refused to correct because he said it might change the shape of her mouth. She was a perfect beauty in a way that could be overwhelming, but a beauty with an overbite – a beauty hiding problems beneath her lacquered, placid surface.'

Regarding your hair I would try to embrace the waves otherwise you are spending a lot of time on products trying to smooth it if you straighten it and its then ruined by moisture in the air anyway.

I doubt it looks a mess, tousled waves are very much a desired look. Maybe consider growing it a but so that it hangs down more.

I have an overbite and a week chin and a big nose! I sure every poster on here would comment with what they also see as perceived flaws about themselves!

But I have a good figure, lovely eyes and great boobs! That's what you need to do, think about thw things you do like about yourself. It's recognising that you are the sum of parts and that overall your image is perfectly fine.

Of course some people in life are horribly rude to others and sadly you've encountered some that make themselves better about their own appearance by putting others down.

Those that bullied you were seeking to make you feel bad about yourself.

Don't let these nasty people bring you down any more. Picture on your mind getting out of a limousine for a red carpet walk. You are wearing a beautiful dress, jewellery and shoes and as you walk down the carpet you Feel fabulous and you pass by the crowd they are all calling your name and cheering you on.

Decent people cheer you on, those that have impacted on your self esteem by being cruel are utterly worthless and do not deserve any time or space in your mind.

Okay, firstly hair, invest in some Mark Hill Heated rollers from boots and hairspray, you won’t regret it. Also, if you haven’t got GHDs then look online for some cheap, second hand ones. They really are a must if you have naturally frizzy/ wavy hair. These, combined with heated rollers for some va va volume and hairspray to keep it all in check will have a dramatic effect. The heated rollers aren’t too expensive btw. Also, try and grow your hair to shoulder length if you can so you have more weight for styles to hold.

Weight- If you want to do something about it then try cutting back on carbs, upping your protein where possible and do some YouTube home workouts.

Teeth, I used to have buck teeth and in my late 20s thought, nope no more. I had Invisalign and paid for it in monthly instalments over 3 years. Best thing I ever did. I naturally have a slight overbite but my teeth are now perfectly straight and white and I no longer feel self conscious when I smile. Invisalign is expensive as it’s discrete, train tracks would’ve been about £900 (Invisalign was £2.5k) and again, they would’ve let me pay it in instalments if I needed. I appreciate braces may not be an option for you, but at the least, if your teeth are discoloured in any way then whitening them would definitely improve their appearance. Better to have wonky white teeth than wonky discoloured teeth. Crest teeth whitening strips are cheap and v effective and can be ordered online.

You do sound like you have low self esteem so definitely think about working on that, but at the end of the day, if someone’s Unhappy with their appearance I wouldn’t discourage doing something about it.

I’m sorry to hear you feel so bad. I would agree with trying to get some help, and to try and change the pattern of how you think. It can definitely work and things can get better. One friend had CBT for example and it’s really changed their approach and made a big difference.

In the meantime, books like PP suggested might be a start. Have you got anyone to speak to, DH or friends, would it help to talk about it?

Be kind to yourself. Goodness knows people were not in your past.
Try to appreciate yourself and your body. Find something you enjoy to do with it. For me it's yoga and hiking.
Look forward to being over 40 and giving much less of a crap about conforming to 'beauty ideals'.

It sounds as if you have low self esteem bordering on depression. Go to your GP tell them how you feel and they can advise you on help in your area. To me you sound fine but there is a condition called body dysmorphia (sp) which can be part of depression.

You need to start thinking about yourself in positive ways. I know it's difficult, if you had to write 10 good things about yourself could you do it.? I'm on about 3, when I started this I couldn't think of one.

This is my hair. I’m paranoid it looks like a mess!

Yes I think I might have body dysmorphic disorder.

I have actually always bloody wanted hair like that. Same kink and same length. Was considering a week ago if I’d even get a perm to make it like that!

Your hair is beautiful. People spend a lot of time and money trying to recreate what you have naturally. Up until a few weeks ago I worked in a salon on Saturdays and the majority of my day was spent curling bobs to make them look like yours. When you said you had a wavy bob that always looked messy I was expecting waves like mine, the frizzy, unruly kind where it just looks like you haven't bothered brushing your hair for a few days.

I don't think changing any aspect of your appearance will help. For every one thing you change to your satisfaction another two things will start bothering you. You need to work on your self-esteem either through positive actions like joining a gym or taking up a new hobby or through counselling or both.

I don't have any advice as I battle with similar everyday, to the point where I actively avoid mirrors/my reflection/ having photos taken.
But I just wanted to say that I think your hair looks fab. I would love my hair to look like that naturally!

your hair is amazing!!

If you want changes - make them!!
I have braces on at 47!!
Btw your hair is amazing op!!

I've read countless threads from posters wanting hair just like yours!

Honestly, your hair looks lovely.

No word of a lie I have literally spent hours on my hair trying to make it look exactly like yours. Mine is either poker straight (after ages with straighteners) or a mad frizzy perm-like mess. Yours has a gorgeous loose wave and I LOVE IT.

I second the suggestion of counselling. It can be so good for people.