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Original poster

I’m completely paranoid about my appearance and it’s taken over my life

56 replies

OverwateredCheeseplant · 27/03/2019 09:38

I’m nearly 40 and so tired of this. I got picked on at school for some bad hair cuts/flat chest/ prominent teeth. I got picked on at home for everything I did and said being stupid or wrong. I got called names including goofy by an ex boyfriend. Despite being happily married for ten years I can’t shake all the criticism and it has manifested itself in paranoia re my appearance, mainly my body size and hair.

I’ve got kinky wavy hair in a bob. If I straighten it it either looks flat and shit or it starts to go wavy when the slightest bit of moisture touches it (and as we live in England, that’s a lot). If I leave it wavy I feel I look a mess.
I’m so paranoid about my teeth resting on my lip and it makes me feel ashamed.
I’m a size 12-14 and feel in my head like I’m mahoosive (logically I know I’m not). I berate myself for not being a size 10 like I once was (it was fucking hard to get down to that with my curvy hips and bum, I had to eat like a bird) and am aware that my mum and sister would look down on me for not being skinny like them (thankfully we are no contact these days).
These thoughts have taken over my life and I don’t know how to take control and be able to look in the mirror without recoiling in horror. I check myself in mirrors constantly.

What can I do?

OP posts:
Ellapaella · 27/03/2019 12:26

Your hair is amazing OP! So many people are desperate to achieve that lovely wave!
And the colour is lovely and it looks in great condition.
Your self esteem seems to be rock bottom so agree with others that's what really needs the work here.
Try and focus on all the positive things and the things you like about yourself. It does sound as though maybe some CBT or similar therapy might help.

Original poster
OverwateredCheeseplant · 27/03/2019 12:53

Thank you everybody. I can’t believe people like my hair but I’m v happy to hear it! Smile

I’m definitely going to pursue some help for the likely BDD to try to overcome it. As you say it’s probably not actually my appearance that’s the issue at all but my brain instead. I remember even when I was 16 and really skinny (I’d kill for that body now!) I was the same and obsessed with being skinnier and looking ‘good enough’. No haircut or weight loss has ever made me feel better. I grew up in an unhappy home with an exceptionally vain mother who spends two hours a day on her hair and starves herself skinny. It’s that damage that needs undoing.

OP posts:
thedevilinablackdress · 27/03/2019 12:59

Good on youOverwatered You can do it.

Swiftier · 27/03/2019 13:35

For what it’s worth your hair looks lovely, shiny and healthy and a nice style. Hope you manage to get some help to improve how you feel.

cuppycakey · 27/03/2019 16:07

I totally agree with PP re possible counselling/help as you do sound so down on yourself. I am NC with my NPD mother so I get it, believe me.

One thing re the hair - I have spent so many hours straightening the living daylights out of my hair and it is just like yours (only longer) It's naturally wavy and I always hated it. If I get one drop of rain on it it looks like utter shite.

For me, John Frieda Frizz Ease Styling Spray was a complete game changer. Not the mousse, the spray. I spray it on wet hair, and my hair comes out in lovely beautiful curls. By the second day (when it would usually be all knotted and wavy again) it goes into gorgeous ringlets. I am bloody transformed I tell you!!!

Good luck Flowers

Palominoo · 27/03/2019 16:35

Op, I hope you don't find this silly but I want you to listen to this.

My last ex did all he could to make me feel like the most worthless human being on the planet and at times I felt like succumbing to his hurtful words and just disappearing forever but I left him and overcame the hurt.

You are beautiful.. Please believe that.

Palominoo · 27/03/2019 16:37

Sorry about the stillshot of the two men kissing in the video , it's the words of the song I wanted the Op to listen to.

MikeUniformMike · 27/03/2019 17:39

OP, your hair is lovely, as is probably the rest of you.
In 30 years time you'll be thinking what on earth were you worrying about.

MortyVicar · 27/03/2019 19:06

OP, the gold standard of books on body dysmorphia: The Broken Mirror: Understanding and Treating Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Please do read it. Hopefully it's clear to you that what you see isn't what we see. We're not all just being polite, your hair is gorgeous.

I hope you can get to the point where you can see it too. Flowers

Original poster
OverwateredCheeseplant · 27/03/2019 19:27

I’m v thankful for everyone who took the time to reply, your words have felt v comforting to my troubled brain! I’ve added the books you recommended to my amazon wish list. And I’m going to let my hair roam free and try to remember that people here said they liked it!

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 27/03/2019 19:35

Your hair looks great ! We can be dry critical of ourselves, my mum gave me my inner critic from years of listening to her as a child.

I try to give myself a break and look at the good things about myself . If I am getting too distracted by my inner monologue of criticism I listen to an audio book, really stops me from doing it.

TodoDoingDone · 27/03/2019 20:18

Your hair is lovely! How do you get it to do that?

I'm so sorry to hear about people being so nasty in the past. Hope you're surrounded by some who appreciate you too!

zippyswife · 27/03/2019 20:19

For real?? I would LOVE your hair. Genuinely! Your overbite sounds really attractive too. I would love your look. It sounds cute and a bit kooky.

Charley50 · 27/03/2019 20:37

I also love your hair! And glad you've recognised the problem is how you're perceiving yourself, not how you actually are.

EnidButton · 27/03/2019 21:40

I had body dysmorphic disorder. Mine was focused on my skin and face but also my body sometimes too. At one point I had to cover all the mirrors in the house so I couldn't see myself because one glimpse would lead to hours of obsessing over whatever imaginary flaw I spotted. For me is was a symptom of anxiety which also made the anxiety worse so a vicious circle formed. I didn't realise that's what it was either. I just really believed I'd suddenly realised how ugly I was. Awful, horrendous thing to experience. I feel a bit vulnerable posting that but if it helps anyone it's worth putting it out there.

You've had some good advice about cbt and self esteem etc here. So glad you posted as hopefully it will lead to you finding things that can help you find yourself again. Flowers

I just wanted to reassure you from the other side of it that you can get well and you will be able to look at yourself and like what you see. I honestly think I look bloody great now Grin I like what I see in the mirror and I don't look any different to when I was suffering with bdd.

Your hair is beautiful. I'd admire it if I saw you out and about and wonder how you got it to look so good. It's gorgeous!

EnidButton · 27/03/2019 21:43

If you like podcasts Sarah Powell does one called Wobble which is about self care and being kinder to yourself. I've only just started listening to it so I don't know if it would have anything triggering in it but so far its really uplifting. Also the Netflix show Queer Eye has a lot about loving yourself. It's a very positive mood boosting show.

Mabellavender · 27/03/2019 21:46

Your hair is lovely op! X

DontCallMeCharlotte · 27/03/2019 21:55

I'd kill for hair like that. So versatile!

Original poster
OverwateredCheeseplant · 27/03/2019 21:59

@tododoingdone wash, comb through with wide tooth comb, scrunch it up a bit with a cotton t shirt (instead of a towel) to get excess water off, dry a bit with diffuser.

OP posts:
Original poster
OverwateredCheeseplant · 27/03/2019 22:00

@enidbutton I’m sorry you went through that. Funny you should say that about mirrors, I was contemplating taking all the mirrors in here down earlier.

How did you get over it?

OP posts:
BlackPrism · 27/03/2019 22:06

Would it make you feel better if you knew that I accidentally went to work the other day with sick in my hair and not a soul noticed?

Fatted · 27/03/2019 22:10

The only thing you need to do is change your mindset.

I always felt like I wasn't good enough in my teens and 20's. Needed to lose weight and straighten my hair. I don't really know how it got better. Spending less time with my OCD mum helped. I read a really good book from linda papadopoulos although I can't remember the name of it now. The biggest change was when I was pregnant with my youngest. I had bell's palsy and didn't know if my facial paralysis would be permanent. Thankfully it wasn't but it really did put all my years of self loathing into perspective. I'm by no means 'fixed', I still want to lose weight all the time. But it's not overwhelming or holding me back from doing things anymore.

BitOfFun · 27/03/2019 22:11

Your hair is really lovely! I agree that you would benefit from something like CBT though- could you ask your GP?

Shockers · 27/03/2019 22:18

I can only get one side of my hair to look like yours, and that’s my favourite side- the other side won’t behave Grin.

I wish you’d had people around you as a child who’d told you how charming imperfection can be. I recently saw a photo of a friend’s daughter who’s had loads of work done and I could’ve cried for her. She was bloody gorgeous before she made herself into the generic ‘perfect woman’. Now she’s pretty much indistinguishable in the crowd of clones.

Experiment with smiling at people on the street- I’ll bet most will enjoy your smile and return it! I’m goofy, but my husband thinks my smile is my greatest asset!

EnidButton · 27/03/2019 22:25

Over It took a while and a lot of getting better was by dealing with the trauma that had caused the anxiety and bdd in the first place. So in your case, from what you've said here, maybe some cbt and counselling around how your upbringing made you feel would help you. I did some online cbt and also mindfulness was very helpful.

Also realising that it was bdd and I wasn't actually a hideous monster was a huge step forward. So you've done that already. It's the start of feeling better.

I took beta blockers for the physical symptoms of anxiety. Don't know if that would be relevant to you but perhaps medication is something research yourself and to discuss if you decide to see your gp about how you're feeling.

I would give myself a very short time limit to look in a mirror. So just a check over to see if I had food up my face or whatever, no staring or studying myself from all angles. I had to be very strict with this. I avoided mirrors for the most part tbh.

I focused on things about my body that were about being kind to it rather than what it looked like. So nice smelling shower gels and body oil, using moisturisers to make my skin feel soft, deep conditioning masks for my hair. I think that helped me connect to my own body again so it felt less like the enemy. Also eating better, lots of veggies etc but no calorie counting. Cutting out refined sugar, all alcohol and all caffeine as they all triggered my worrying mind.

Doing activities where it really didn't matter wtf I looked like. Like walking in the countryside, up hills or gardening. There's something about fresh air and getting your hands dirty that calms the mind.

God no idea if any of that makes sense. It was a few years ago now.

Basically, cbt and mindfulness (also medication if appropriate), focusing on taking care of myself and my body rather than what I/it looked like, getting outside and away from people/social media/advertising etc. and some lifestyle changes to help the anxiety.

The books reccommended here look very good. I wish I'd known about those. The NHS and other places online have some good tips and info to help you. I found it helpful to know it wasn't just me and I hadn't completely cracked up. Sorry I can't be more help. I promise you you can feel happy and good about yourself.

You are good enough and you always have been. You're one step closer to being able to see that for yourself. Flowers