I’m completely paranoid about my appearance and it’s taken over my life

[OverwateredCheeseplant]

I’m nearly 40 and so tired of this. I got picked on at school for some bad hair cuts/flat chest/ prominent teeth. I got picked on at home for everything I did and said being stupid or wrong. I got called names including goofy by an ex boyfriend. Despite being happily married for ten years I can’t shake all the criticism and it has manifested itself in paranoia re my appearance, mainly my body size and hair.

I’ve got kinky wavy hair in a bob. If I straighten it it either looks flat and shit or it starts to go wavy when the slightest bit of moisture touches it (and as we live in England, that’s a lot). If I leave it wavy I feel I look a mess.
I’m so paranoid about my teeth resting on my lip and it makes me feel ashamed.
I’m a size 12-14 and feel in my head like I’m mahoosive (logically I know I’m not). I berate myself for not being a size 10 like I once was (it was fucking hard to get down to that with my curvy hips and bum, I had to eat like a bird) and am aware that my mum and sister would look down on me for not being skinny like them (thankfully we are no contact these days).
These thoughts have taken over my life and I don’t know how to take control and be able to look in the mirror without recoiling in horror. I check myself in mirrors constantly.

What can I do?

Woah! Essay! Sorry

It’s funny, I never notice anything about anyone else apart from that they’ve got nice hair or a nice smile. I never look at anyone thinking they should lose weight or put more makeup on. I just accept everyone else as is. Why is it so hard to do that with myself? Well I know why, it’s because I had so many voices criticising me. It’s v hard to undo but hopefully these books and some CBT will get the ball rolling. I’m no longer around my family either which means I’m not vibrating with terror about what they think. So I have the opportunity to move forward.

I would bloody kill for your hair! All shiny and thick and glossy and swishy, you lucky thing!

You probably look a lot better than you think you do. I think your hair is nice.

Nowt wrong with your hair! It looks lovely! I love wavy hair. Someone said about supermodels being the only 1% who look good- well even they are criticised! They can turn up at shoots and be told they look 'wrong' for the shot so need a thicker skin than you and I!

Your hair is gorgeous! Your looks aren't the problem. From experience, if you're caught in a cyclical pattern of negative thoughts an anti depressant might be what's needed. Talk to your gp.