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Lost MoJo. How to get it back?

70 replies

SheldonTheWonderShlong · 26/01/2018 12:06

I have out on 3 stone in the last two years and gone up a few dress sizes. I'm late 40s, perimenopausal and really struggling with my 'image'. I just think, what's the point? This is in no way a dig at other women who are the same size as me (16/18) it's just indicative of my mindset.

I've struggled with my weight for 30 years, mostly at a size 14 but never happy with that and always on a diet of some kind (usually under the guise of healthy eating) and either succeeding temporarily (so losing weight, getting and feeling fitter, being able to wear clothes in a size 10/12) or failing and putting the weight back on, stopping the exercise and struggling to get in a size 16). I know it's not about dress size, I'm just using this as a barometer to show my ups and downs.

5 years ago when I was last this size I still seemed to look nice. I had my wobble days (no pun intended!) but generally made an effort and took pleasure in clothes (love them). I just can't seem to get it together. I know I should make healthier choices but I don't. I know I should do some exercise, anything, but I don't. I see other woman of a similar size and bigger who look great but when I try on clothes I look dreadful, everything morphs into a big solid tube of middle ageness. I have a good bra (massive boobs so been a bravissimo customer for ages) so it's not that.

Can anyone who's been through similar give some advice on how to convince me to stop looking like a slob? baggy tops and jogging bottoms make me feel like shit but what's the point of dressing up when you work from home and don't go out much? Clothes shopping is such a chore for me when I'm in this mindset, how can I get out of it?

I'm not depressed by a long shot and have a lot of good things in my life. Am I just lazy or is it the looming menopause?

OP posts:
Polkadot1974 · 27/01/2018 09:34

Going through the same here - my plan was to start with skin. Just been away with work and had to put A LOT of make up on to even look like I was going out whereas before (even a year ago) a slick of thicker eyeliner made a difference. I’m off to try the ordinary and get new underwear to feel better from the bottom layers up. Could be a start? Winter really doesn’t help

AnaViaSalamanca · 27/01/2018 11:14

I think this is more in your heard than external to be honest. Start with your body, just make it the best version of itself, pedicure, moisturizer, shave, hair, skincare, manicure..whatever needs to be done, Buy some matching underwear, scents that you love, don't look at the mirror too much, just concentrate how you feel. I promise you after the a while you would not look into the mirror and think of yourself a slob. Clothes are secondary.

SheldonTheWonderShlong · 27/01/2018 15:43

Thanks for your replies. I'm in a vicious cycle. Have stopped doing nails, don't style my hair unless going 'out' out (same with make up, jewellery), go longer between hair washes, might possible bung in some dry shampoo if I need to nip out to the corner shop, often I don't bother. Wear shapeless clothes. I really really do look a mess.

When I'm a couple of stone (3 if I'm being honest) overweight I struggle to see that it's worth making the effort. Again, I want to reiterate that this is about my.mindset and not how I feel about others who are carrying a bit of extra weight.

How can I get out of this way.of thinking?

OP posts:
clarazabel · 27/01/2018 16:41

I'm forcing myself out of this mindset at the moment, it's a massive PITA to go through the effort for little reward (I look slightly better if I put the effort in, but nowhere near good) I'd love to look casually groomed and clean while I'm pottering around the house but for some reason it doesn't seem to work. Yep I'm menopausal and yep I'm overweight but that doesn't really explain why clothes just look wrong on me and my hair has a mind of its own - watching this thread with great interest.

Argeles · 27/01/2018 17:19

When I first put on weight (went from a size 10 to a 16 in under a year), due to stress and depression I started to waste so much money on clothes. I used to go clothes shopping after work 2-3 times per week, and at least once at the weekend. I’d buy the same styles and colours as I used to wear, then not have the confidence to wear them. I couldn’t face the look and feel of my rolls of fat, and bits and pieces wobbling about under these pretty clothes. I kept on wearing lots of black and office type clothes - and neither of these things are ‘me,’ so I felt even shittier.

The following year, I became happier and started to get over some of my stress and depression issues. Before I began to lose any weight, I realised that my hair had never really had a style - just used to hang, and I’d very infrequently get it trimmed. I decided to get a style cut, and it was such a mood lifting thing for me.

Instead of wasting so much money on clothes, I used to spend some of that money on having my style maintained every 8 weeks. I felt and looked so much better. The size 10 me never used to paint my nails, but the size 16 version started, and I started feeling a bit better. Lots of people would comment on my colour choices, and that was very uplifting. I also really got into statement necklaces and scarves in my usual bold colours. I’d wear these with my black clothes, and they added colour and interest, as well colour to my face. The colours help your mood too. Those items also received lots of lovely compliments, for which I was very happy.

I then began to lose a bit of weight thanks to feeling happier and subsequently eating less! The positive comments I’d received really helped me to feel better about myself, and made me think ‘what the hell, I will wear a bright coloured blouse, but I’ll get one that drapes over my stomach!’

I also started going to the steam room at my local leisure centre for a few pounds a time (maybe twice a month). The prospect of getting in a swimming costume terrified me at first, but I went on ladies only days, and it was really reassuring to see lots of other ‘real’ women. The benefits the steam room gave to my skin and mental health were well worth it.

I’m currently heavily pregnant, but since I became a size 16, my weight and clothes sizes have tended to remain quite constant. For most of the time, I’ve been a 14 (depending on the stupid clothes sizes of course - don’t get me started on that!). I’ve battled a bit with health since on and off. I don’t wear absolutely everything, but I do often think now, ‘fuck it, life’s too short, I will wear that!’

Check out using websites to help, what your body shape is. Hoist your tits up and out, get your legs out, wear jersey on your arse - flaunt, or at least highlight your best bits. And yes, you do have best bits! We all do.

A wrap dress suits everyone, and can be accessorised easily and is very versatile. There are quite a lot around at the minute - some new, and some still in the online sales. I bought one a month after I’d given birth to my DD, and whilst it didn’t cost very much, it made me feel great! Boobs were out a little bit, pattern distracted from lots of wobble, 3/4 sleeves and shaping at waist showed that I’m curvy, and do still go in a bit!

Remember, when we look at ourselves, we see fragmented pieces - others see a bit of everything.

Argeles · 27/01/2018 17:21

Oh, and listen to your favourite music - a lot, and dance like no one’s watching (or maybe pretend that they are!). It works wonders for my mood.

DragonsAndCakes · 27/01/2018 17:26

I think everything looks better with decent jeans and interesting shoes so I’d focus on those. By decent jeans I mean well fitting and not too frumpy.

SheldonTheWonderShlong · 27/01/2018 17:58

Great post @argeles

Really relate to a lot of what you're saying. I would really like to get to the bottom of why I feel this way when I'm in a 'heavy phase'. Maybe a lot of it is down to being peri menopausal and feeling like a bit of a spare part these days (invisible woman syndrome?) especially with dc becoming more independent. I've had some stresses over the last 6 months too which probably hasn't helped.

I think what I need to do is make myself make some kind of effort and hopefully I will start to feel better.

I have two dresses that I bought in desperation a couple of weeks ago that I like and a pair of ill fitting black trousers that are passable and a few loose blouses. Nothing else fits other than baggy t shirts and joggers.

Has anyone seen Erica Davies blog/instagram? I think she looks fab but not sure that style would work on my 16/18 body. She's maybe a 12/14?

OP posts:
SheldonTheWonderShlong · 27/01/2018 17:59

WHY don't paragraphs show up on the app?????? Sorry!

OP posts:
Peaceandl0ve · 27/01/2018 18:12

Sheldon, I was you 8 months ago! I decided that I could face turning 50 and being overwieght and too full of selfloathing. I avoided soical situations because i didnt want to think what to wear and i felt that my 50th birthday would be blighted if i did nothing. So I did something!

I spent 6 months changing my eating havits, no diet here, they never work! And used techniques like visualisation to get me to this point! I am continuing with the healthy eating and visualisation to keep me on track. I have just started running C25km to add a new challenge and I am now looking forward to my birthday.

I am trying to say you can do it, look towards 2 months, then 4 months etc, not tomorrow or the next day if you see what i mean. I have also worked out my food weakness, snacking and binging, so I created a no eating standing up rile for myself! Dont mean to preach, just to say that you can do this!

Argeles · 27/01/2018 18:16

Thank you. I hope it is of some help.

Definitely start wearing the lovely new clothes that you’ve bought, I’m sure that they will help you.

What you’ve said about the peri menopause makes perfect sense, and no doubt it may be causing, or contributing to how you feel. Have you spoken to your Doctor?

When my Mum was in the peri menopause, she felt similar to you about her role in society, and put on a lot of weight and used to say she felt quite invisible, which was very sad to hear. She started taking evening primrose oil capsules every day to assist with her eczema, but found that they helped with all round wellbeing. Perhaps have a read online about them, and see if they might be worth a try.

Octopus37 · 27/01/2018 18:41

There's some good advice on here, think with clothes and self-care, mentally it can be a bit of a fake it till you make it I am 43 but over the past few years (due to stress, anti-depressants, slightlty disordered eating), I have put on a good stone and gone up from a sixe 8/10 to a size 12,. I tried hard to diet in September and lost about 10 pounds, a lot of which has gone back one, I just couldnt do the whole hunger thing. At the moment I'm not motivated enough to eat healthily although I usually do at least 10,000 steps. Its hard but I'm trying to accept the new me (still hoping that it is somehow a temporary new me mind), even though I feel tired and sluggish cause theres a lot going on at the moment. I think things like having the hair the way you like it make a huge difference. I am going to try to take on board things like doing my nails, even though it feels like a total faff and am inspired by some of the tips here that other women havce given. Maybe we should start a self-care image thread. Did buy some new clothes the other day that helped a bit, but I worry that the styles that used to suit me dont so much anymore. One advantage of being bigge though is bigger boobs, or for me anyway, the right sized bra etc can make all the difference.

Octopus37 · 27/01/2018 18:43

Argeles, have also bought some Evening Primrose oil cause had PMT from hell this month. I suspect the peri might be starting, remember my Mum at my age, but she had just had a hysterectomy. Reminder to go and take tablet

Honeycake50 · 27/01/2018 21:28

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to take this down.

arousingcheer · 27/01/2018 22:15

I just wanted to say I'm in the midst of a similar crisis and I do wonder if it is hormonal (I'm 50). Like you I'm not depressed, and actually my weight is healthy and stable (has not always been the case) and I feel good about my body, fitness etc so it isn't that.

The problem is that I don't feel like I know myself anymore, and I don't know how to dress myself. I like a bit of drama in what I wear (I collect vintage clothes) so the normcore skinnies-and-ankle-boots doesn't feel very 'me' but with more edgy clothes it's hard to avoid looking either self-neglecting or demented. I have a horror of revisiting the looks I once found worked for me in fear of looking like the 80s/90s reheated, and anyway, what might have looked a little artsy or artfully dishevelled on me when I was younger just looks bonkers now. Or is that just me losing my confidence? I really don't know.

I don't mind being invisible to men in the street (I don't miss being harassed, told to smile etc) so it isn't about being sexually invisible, it's more that I don't know how to look on the outside how I feel on this inside, as though I'm invisible to myself. It has really thrown me into an emotional crisis. I'm embarrassed to admit how much it has derailed me.

Don't even get me started on hair; I had it cut three times between mid-Dec and Christmas and only stopped myself doing it again because there won't be much more to cut off next time. I can't seem to get that right either. I'm just horrified really.

Sorry, re-reading that it isn't very helpful is it?! Just wanted to show some solidarity.

MrsFriskers · 27/01/2018 22:59

This stage of life is hard. I started a new job, and my uniform is & Other Stories. I am in my 50s surrounded by young things. Then I put on my normal out-work outfit of many many years; a semi fitted shirt and flares, and they loved it. Dress how you were at the best time of your life.

PersonAtHome · 28/01/2018 00:04

I work from 2/3 days a week and spend most WFH days in PJs with unwashed hair etc. But I don't care at all that I look rubbish! I just can't be bothered to make an effort when it's just me and the cat.

On my office days I do make an effort and shower, wear makeup and vaguely presentable clothes. Most people I work with are a lot younger than me. I had a bumpy patch a while ago when I realised I'd put on weight and none of my clothes seemed to fit me and nothing I tried on seemed to look any good. It's still a bit like that, but somehow I've managed to find a few items that look ok on larger and older me.

There are extra challenges once you get a bit older - I now can't bear being uncomfortable in clothes so anything with a tight waistband is out. But I don't want to look like an old fogey in elasticated waist trousers! So I mostly wear skirts that are slightly too large for me round the waist (so they hang off and make me feel slim), or leggings with longer shirts or tunics or long jumpers.

Growing my hair longer, wearing nice earrings and wearing makeup and buying nice quality boots, coat and scarf have helped make me feel more polished and seem to offset the slouchy leggings and long cosy shirts vibe.

Ladybirdbookworm · 28/01/2018 00:15

Argeles
I think I love you Grin

CrabappleBiscuit · 28/01/2018 08:17

A good coat can work wonders....but you have to try a lot on.

I think I’m just about through the menopause now at 50, started peri young at 37 ish....it’s been a lon* track.

It does get better, partly that was having a decent gp and getting HRT bu5 also just it does get better.

Maybe find one thing to do each week that’s a change for the better!

ProperLavs · 28/01/2018 08:50

I started a thread very similar to this a while back and was told by many ( younger women) that I was basically shallow and shouldn't be bothered by external appearances.
I'm glad your thread is a more helpful one OP.

I am on the french style one and that has really helped me feel better about myself. Maybe pop along and have a look?

Whyarethebestnamestaken · 28/01/2018 08:54

PersonatHome, I am always looking for long jumpers to wear with leggings, where do you find yours?

Mulberrysilk · 28/01/2018 08:59

From experience, I'd suggest you do something like couch to 5k. Start off walking and gradually pick it up to a jog. Weight aside, it'll lift your mood and give you more energy. You'll start to care more about yourself. It's been life changing for me.

QueenThisTime · 28/01/2018 09:15

I can feel like this sometimes (also at the same age and stage as you) and for me it's partly not having enough time (because of work, kids etc). I let everything slide and the more I don't bother, the worse I feel. Menopause does NOT help - it can make you feel exhausted, foggy, even depressed (I know you say you're not, but not caring about things as you describe can be a sign, even if it's not severe) and it also makes it harder to lose weight especially around the waist.

I think starting small and working on confidence-boosting things is best, it's very hard to devote yourself to healthy eating and exercise when you just feel bleh.

My suggestions are - like PPs say, do some pampering things, like treat your skin, have a facial, massage, hair colour or something like that (whatever is fun/enjoyable for you). if you can afford it buy something that doesn't depend on your weight like a necklace or shoes or a bag that you love and will use. Make yourself and your body feel loved and cared for and then it's easier to want to get fitter.

With clothes, when you feel up to it, look for things that flatter and you like and are easy to wear. For me, long cardigans, a long flowy maxi dress in summer, are flattering and feel good but equally importantly are comfortable and take no effort, so I don't feel like I have to bother "dressing up". Of course for you it may be other things but it's worth experimenting to find your "just throw it on and feel dressed" items.

Lastly I'd go to a sympathetic (possibly older and female if you can!) GP, and talk over how you feel. They really might be able to help - even just the right vitamins, iron or another supplement might make a big difference, maybe ask to have a thyroid check. I'm not on HRT but my GP recommended red clover (a natural supplement but you have to check you're suitable for it) which I think helps a lot with perimenopause symptoms.

Flowers
PersonAtHome · 28/01/2018 10:33

Whyarethebestnamestaken - I only have two long jumpers (I agree they are hard to find!). One is from Monsoon and the other is from Topshop (I wouldn't usually shop there as it feels too young but went in with a younger colleague at lunch time).

To all those experiencing peri menopause - I have a yoga teacher friend who says her symptoms improved when she cut out sugar and increases fruit and veg, and did more yoga and also relaxing stuff like self massage.

Asitgoes · 28/01/2018 11:18

Sniffers at self massage Person
I would but I mislaid my libido along with my ovarian function Wink