Lost MoJo. How to get it back?

[SheldonTheWonderShlong]

I have out on 3 stone in the last two years and gone up a few dress sizes. I'm late 40s, perimenopausal and really struggling with my 'image'. I just think, what's the point? This is in no way a dig at other women who are the same size as me (16/18) it's just indicative of my mindset.

I've struggled with my weight for 30 years, mostly at a size 14 but never happy with that and always on a diet of some kind (usually under the guise of healthy eating) and either succeeding temporarily (so losing weight, getting and feeling fitter, being able to wear clothes in a size 10/12) or failing and putting the weight back on, stopping the exercise and struggling to get in a size 16). I know it's not about dress size, I'm just using this as a barometer to show my ups and downs.

5 years ago when I was last this size I still seemed to look nice. I had my wobble days (no pun intended!) but generally made an effort and took pleasure in clothes (love them). I just can't seem to get it together. I know I should make healthier choices but I don't. I know I should do some exercise, anything, but I don't. I see other woman of a similar size and bigger who look great but when I try on clothes I look dreadful, everything morphs into a big solid tube of middle ageness. I have a good bra (massive boobs so been a bravissimo customer for ages) so it's not that.

Can anyone who's been through similar give some advice on how to convince me to stop looking like a slob? baggy tops and jogging bottoms make me feel like shit but what's the point of dressing up when you work from home and don't go out much? Clothes shopping is such a chore for me when I'm in this mindset, how can I get out of it?

I'm not depressed by a long shot and have a lot of good things in my life. Am I just lazy or is it the looming menopause?

HairBlues yes, thanks, I agree with you but maybe we got our wires crossed, I do ask and I do say 'this is what I want' with conviction and I do not give a fuck about age-appropriate whatever. This isn't about how I approach the hairdresser, this is what they will and won't do for me.

I don't know if you've ever been in a situation where you ask for something the other person doesn't want to do for you and the whole communication goes sour because no matter how nicely you're asking and how specific your explanation is, they're not doing what you've asked for - ? You can only really take your own vision so far and after that you need to use the hairdresser's skills to achieve it.

It's like sending your plate back in a restaurant, you can only do it so many times before you accept you're not going to get it the way you want it and if you send it back again maybe they'll spit in your food. If I can't get a professional onboard with enthusiasm and excitement then I might as well go home and do the undercut myself (which I have done more than once).

I think when you're in your 70s sometimes people think you're cute when you want 'something different' (god I hate that phrase) and then you can have it, thus your 70something lady with pink tips. It's this 50-something age when you're no longer a young thing but you're not old enough to be a cute old dear, everyone just wants to point you toward Marks and Spencer and be rid of you.

arousing - I see what you mean - well that's shockingly bad. Do you think they are deliberately not doing what you want because they disagree/disapprove (based on age or whatever reason?) I would be furious too. Even worse is if they humour you by saying they'll do it but then doing something completely different or tamed down (at least if they outright said they won't or can't do it then you could thank them and walk out).

Has it happened in one hairdressers or several? Do you have a picture to show them of what you would like, if not could it be their creative interpretation that's lacking, instead of wilful disobedience as it were?

HairBlues to be fair it was the first hairdresser who said, 'Yes, hmm, so you usually use a #2? I'm just going to trim it' and the following two haircuts were remediation on that first one, so I can't blame what the first one did on the next two.

I had grown my hair long purely out of not knowing where to go, then had it all cut off out of desperation to do something to it, and have been trying to fix this haircut ever since.

In the interests of keeping my mind open I don't like to shut down the conversation entirely (what's the point of paying someone if you don't accept any input from them iyswim) but that's when I lose ground. I brought photos and was open to suggestions, but then I didn't get anything like what I wanted. She seemed disapproving, but she did tell me she'd gone from having bright orange hair to the conservative brown updo she had when I met her, so maybe she has her own thing going on.

My old hairdresser (£100 a pop) gave me some great haircuts on the way from it being quite severe (short bob with baby fringe) to a bit softer, but when I wanted to go back to something more edgy (like one of the people who worked in the salon actually!) he's the one who said 'We don't do things just because.' He's one of those who thinks hairdressing is an art and a science (Vidal Sasson trained) which I think is all a bit up your own arse.

I don't know if it is willful disobedience as much as not caring very much! And not being able to see me beyond my jowly menopausal self! It kills me, I always make a point of putting on makeup, wearing something nice and a bit sharp etc. It doesn't seem to help though.

(Sorry OP, I should start my own thread.)

OP, firstly, I love your When Harry Met Sally name reference 😊

I’m 55 and beginning to see wonder whether a lifetime of losing a stone and gaining a stone and losing a stone and gaining a stone and a half and losing two stone and ...... you get the picture, has left me with an inability to even consider another diet. I look shocking in jeans so, tend to wear skirts (A line mostly) and just above knee jersey skirts with loose knit tops and scarves.

OP, can’t you imagine just embracing your shape and maybe making some effort with hair/a little makeup? Personally, I don’t do nails but I do my hair and face, every day (to a greater or lesser degree). Thing is, who am I trying to impress? My DH finds me quite lovely (which is just as well) and I’m blessed with my Nan’s skin so, barely have a wrinkle near me. I’m reaching a point when I think I need to be kinder to myself and who knows, I may find I lose a pound or two, as well!

Lots of replies and some brilliant talking points.

Whoever said towards the beginning of the thread, fake it to you make it talks a lot of sense. Yesterday I forced myself to make an effort. The jogging bottoms remained but I did put on a nice top that I’d bought a few months ago that I’ve never worn. It’s nothing fancy, a t shirt in a really nice silky material, but I’d somehow convinced myself that I could only wear it when I’d lost a few pounds because then it would look nicer. It fits, it feels nice and looks a whole lot better on the body I have now than some scraggy baggy t shirt of my husbands does. I put some earrings in. Even though I had no plans to leave the house I put on a little bit of makeup, just eyeshadow, mascara, and a bit of blusher. I put some nail varnish on. I upped my fruit and veg intake massively and didn’t eat any crap. By the end of the day I noticed that I felt pretty good. I’m trying it again today.

I did speak to a Dr about 5 years ago because on top of being overweight I’d started to feel anxious. At the time I thought he was crap because he said to me, you’re too young for menopause (did not tests) you need to change your diet, exercise and keep a mood diary. Which I did and within 3 months I’d lost a couple of stone and anxiety had pretty much disappeared. I changed Drs a year or so later and had some tests run for something else and talked a bit about perimenopause and she inferred that fat in cells can sometimes interfere with hormone signals getting through which is why losing weight (if you need to) when you’re a woman of a certain age can sometimes help alleviate mood issues. Anyway, my point here is the eating less crap/eating for nutrition and getting some exercise really helped with my mood and over the last couple of days I’ve been mulling things over and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m standing in the way of me. I need to take charge and do the things that make me feel better, even if the thought of it at first is an obstacle. (Your yoga teacher is right @PersonAtHome).

I absolutely do not know how to dress myself in the body I’m in now though. I really need to work that out. Maybe that will come as I start being kinder to myself and less self critical? Absolutely agree with @arousingcheer about being invisible to yourself (I don’t care about being visible to men either!). I do need to rethink my home style @chocatoo. I have no idea why but if I’m not going out in the day I have convinced myself that putting on a dress is wasterful. Why do I think this? Can anyone recommend any blogs where the blogger is a homebody but looks good?

As for my hair, when I can be bothered to do it, it looks ‘nice’ but I am so bored with it. I totally and utterly get what you are saying @arousingcheer. Start your own thread if you like but I think your comments sit well here. I found a great hairdresser a few years ago and was really happy but then I had to switch to someone different who is also great in terms of skills but the last time when I asked for something different I pretty much came out with the same cut only slightly shorter. Looking nothing like the picture I’d taken in and then decided this was my fault as I’d said - can you do something like this but not an exact copy (the woman in the pic was far younger and very attractive so didn’t want the hairdresser to think I was so up myself that I thought I would look like this woman when I left)

I have the shoulder length bob, with a few layers ‘framing’my face look and it’s been like that for sooooooooooooo long now with a few variations in length and once even had a fringe.
Maybe I need to go for something really really different.

@ProperLavs some people just like to look down on people who are different from them. No one here is saying that appearance is the be all and end all. There are far more pressing issues in the world. We all know this. Care about your appearance or don’t so long as you’re a kind person along with it does it matter? Horses for courses. Try telling a cancer patient who’s lost all their hair that they shouldn’t wear a wig because hey appearances don’t matter. It might not to some but to others it can make a big difference to their mood. That can’t be wrong.

I’m going to make a list of all the things I did/didn’t do that made me feel good when I was feeling my best self and see where the holes in my life now are. I know exercise is going to be on the list, I’ve done cock all for 18 months. I’m going to check out Yoga with Adriene thanks @TheShapeofYou. I love yoga but haven’t done any for about 3 years. I used to be flexible but often I have a sore lower back when I get out of bed in the morning FFS.

Great post @2017RedBlue you are absolutely right. I know who Tony Robbins is and am quite into the whole mind issue when I can be bothered to allocate time to it. I think that I need to allocate time to it! I spend plenty of time watching box sets, perhaps I shoud make better use of my downtime.

@SukiTheDog (one of my favourite films!) I am so utterly utterly scared of embracing my shape. If I did that then I'd accept that it's ok for me to be fat and I have spent my whole life telling myself that it is not ok. Again, I just want to reiterate that these are my thoughts about me and I am not saying that it's not ok to be fat. I'm saying that in my warped mind it's not ok for ME to be fat. These threads can turn so quickly when talking about weight and self worth. I don't think any less of anyone for being overweight but I do of myself. That's something I need to work on as @2017RedBlue suggested.

Having said that I am kinder to myself believe it or not in that area, I am more accepting of a bigger me but I wouldn't say I've embraced it. I think if I could find a style that worked for me I'd do better on that score.

I know what you mean, OP. This week I’m all embracing of my curves as I’ve too much else to stress over. Next week, it may be different! It’s not the idea of losing the lbs, it’s the futility. I’ve never ever kept it off and always come back to a certain (over) weight.

I love your long post at the end here where you have responded to lots of the ideas and comments - nice to have the ideas acknowledged and hear your thoughts. I have found the whole thread very interesting and look forward to hearing how you get on. Am in pretty much the same position as you!

Oh good god, it was a long post. It didn't look that long when I wrote it on the laptop but looking at it again this morning on my phone it's ridiculous! Well done to anyone who waded through it.

Feeling crappy today. Shit sleep on top of some bad news yesterday is what's doing it BUT day 3 is always a bit a danger zone for me when I've attempted to take myself in hand before. I haven't managed the make up today but I've made a bit of an effort with what I'm wearing AND have not taken solace in the biscuit tin as I might normally. Half a packet of biscuits does nothing for my mojo!

Did a bit of online shopping yesterday, a dress and ..... wait for it ...... a jumpsuit. Never worn one before, it's completely out of my comfort zone but I think that's what I need. God knows what it'll look like but you never know. Could be the start of a whole new look for me.

I am so utterly utterly scared of embracing my shape. If I did that then I'd accept that it's ok for me to be fat and I have spent my whole life telling myself that it is not ok.

But you don't have to embrace it in that way. You can embrace it by saying: I accept that this is what I look like right now and so, to look my best in my current state I will buy decent new clothes, get a good haircut, find styles that suit this weight.

That doesn't mean you accept staying that weight. It means you are allowing yourself to feel good and be well-cared for, acting as if you matter, regardless of your weight. The choice to lose weight and get slimmer, fitter, more toned, is and should be, an entirely separate issue from how you care for yourself day-to-day. Because every day that you don't buy good well-fitting clothes in the bigger size, but make yourself slob around in joggers, you're reinforcing a belief that you're not worth taking care of. And if that's the case, you're not worth losing weight for/getting fit for. It's a vicious circle tht only gets broken by embracing who you are right now and treating that body as though it deserves exactly as much care as its size eight previous incarnation.

@FeedtheTree You've 100% nailed it there and I think I'm a tiny bit in love with you for it.

This is exactly how I think, albeit subconsciously. It's got to change.

Perfect example. I desperately need my roots doing (Pepe Le Pew anyone?) and am going to book in for next week. I'm so bored with my hairstyle and need a complete change yet I'm holding back for when I've lost some weight because in my head who the hell do I think I am for daring to update my look? It's a warped way of thinking isn't it? Where does this come from? I should just go for it. It's still cold enough for hats if I hate it, right?

@SheldonTheWonderSchlong - come back and let us know when you've booked the appointment. May as well cheer each other on a bit, seeing as we're all in similar states.

Well done to you op for persevering, and trying many different things already. I know it’s not easy, but try to keep the momentum going, and like other posters have said, ‘fake it,’ at first, and soon you’ll find you’ faking things less of the time.

I hope you love the new clothes your ordered. I love the idea of the jumpsuit. Two Summers ago, I bought a pair of culottes, and I was shocked and stunned to look slimmer in them, and feel sexy!!! I bought a culottes jumpsuit last Summer, and I adore it - again, makes me feel a bit foxy, and I really don’t feel like that much these days!

I love most of the hairstyles/cuts on this website in the link below. I think the lob style is really versatile, and it helped me to feel ‘current’ again.

therighthairstyles.com/long-bob-hairstyles/

I've got some culottes @Argeles and I love them too, alas they are too small at the moment but I will get back in them.

Had a great night's sleep, by god it makes a difference. I have a dress on! Got to go out for a couple of hours this afternoon, only errands, but I just kept the 'fake it til you make it' mantra in my mind this morning when I got dressed. I've put some make up on and I'm feeling quite 'alive' iyswim.

Hair booked for next week, but just roots as they're tight on time. I'm definitely going to have it cut sometime after half term though so I'll book that in when I'm down there. Your post really struck a cord with me @FeedTheTree. The only way to break this cycle is to love and care for the body I have right now, not the body I may have in 3 months time.

Will report back on the jumpsuit.

Jumpsuit report. It's very soft jersey and comfortable and in 'catalogue' pose it looks amazing but unfortunately one has to move around/sit down. Front on and side views are how a size 16 woman looks in a jumpsuit. It's not terrible. It doesn't hide my lumps and bumps though like a baggy t shirt does but I'm pretty sure it looks better despite this. I'm wearing it now with a vest underneath as it's a cleavage shower which is great on a night out but not so much for daytime in February. I'm struggling a little bit with it from inside my head, sat down it and the rolls are really obvious but I really love it so I'm going to ignore that and push those 'that outfit's not for you' thoughts out of my head.

Dress is going back, lovely but far far too long and the sleeves are so tight I nearly had kittens trying to get out of it thinking they were going to rip.

Ordered a few things that I wouldn't have felt 'worthy' enough to order last week from a shop I've never bought anything from before. Free returns so why not?

How is everyone else feeling? Whilst I now realise that I have to take the best care of myself now and not 3 months down the line, I'm still struggling with the concept. Walking the walk is so much harder than talking the talk.

Sheldon I'm glad you're making the changes you want to make. It feels so good to take action, I think.
I dragge dmyself off to yoga this morning. Had zero desire to go but went, and of course came back feeling far better.