Lost MoJo. How to get it back?

[SheldonTheWonderShlong]

I have out on 3 stone in the last two years and gone up a few dress sizes. I'm late 40s, perimenopausal and really struggling with my 'image'. I just think, what's the point? This is in no way a dig at other women who are the same size as me (16/18) it's just indicative of my mindset.

I've struggled with my weight for 30 years, mostly at a size 14 but never happy with that and always on a diet of some kind (usually under the guise of healthy eating) and either succeeding temporarily (so losing weight, getting and feeling fitter, being able to wear clothes in a size 10/12) or failing and putting the weight back on, stopping the exercise and struggling to get in a size 16). I know it's not about dress size, I'm just using this as a barometer to show my ups and downs.

5 years ago when I was last this size I still seemed to look nice. I had my wobble days (no pun intended!) but generally made an effort and took pleasure in clothes (love them). I just can't seem to get it together. I know I should make healthier choices but I don't. I know I should do some exercise, anything, but I don't. I see other woman of a similar size and bigger who look great but when I try on clothes I look dreadful, everything morphs into a big solid tube of middle ageness. I have a good bra (massive boobs so been a bravissimo customer for ages) so it's not that.

Can anyone who's been through similar give some advice on how to convince me to stop looking like a slob? baggy tops and jogging bottoms make me feel like shit but what's the point of dressing up when you work from home and don't go out much? Clothes shopping is such a chore for me when I'm in this mindset, how can I get out of it?

I'm not depressed by a long shot and have a lot of good things in my life. Am I just lazy or is it the looming menopause?

sniggers even...eyesight gone too (and not for that reason )

What a brilliant thread and loads of advice. Womans Hour had a feature on menopause and peri - I don't think it can be underestimated. What you all say about the mis-match inside and out is exactly how I feel. I know in the big scheme of things I am so lucky / blessed but I just feel off I'm trying to exercise and tell myself I'm getting fitter on the inside. Loving Pilates - not the young mums class though. Seeing new role models, older women out there living their lives and having fun. Waiting to read more with interest!

EnidB yes, I love Pilates too, and now my back is much better, my stomach flatter etc even though I don't feel like I'm doing much in the class.

Like you I feel lucky and happy in one sense but 'off' in another sense. When it comes to that experience of getting dressed and looking in the mirror and feeling like I'm crushing it with my outfit, this is really me, that seems to have gone. I used to almost hear a little click, like I'd got all the pieces fitting together, and it's been ages since I felt like that.

Asitgoes I didn't mean what you think I meant!

She ran a day's yoga workshop and I went along - there was a self massage section of the day which was basically just rolling up your sleeves and your leggings and massaging your legs and arms with nice smelling oils! Apparently her and her daughter do it as part of their self care routine.

It did smell nice but I felt a bit silly doing it and haven't taken it up myself, but thought I'd mention in case anyone else is interested as it seemed to contribute to reducing her symptoms. Though of course who knows which bit reduced her symptoms, the missing out sugar, the eating fruit and veg, the yoga or the massage?!

Supplements have really helped me for low energy and mental fogginess

A bioactive vitamin b complex like this

And ubiquinol

I have pcos and inositol and alpha lipoid acid have been great. I no longer instantly put weight on my waist.

For clothes I look at blogs and tweak my clothes a little based on what I like. Bloglovin allows you to follow a lot of blogs in one place. Pinterest good enough too. I don't follow them slavishly, more scroll through loads to get a "feel" for what looks good.

Different shoes or jewelers can really update your look.

I'm also at this stage in life, luckily apart from erratic periods and hot flushes now and again I'm not suffering too much from Peri symptoms. I am working hard on my self image though and trying to see myself as a woman of real strength and a force to be reckoned with rather than an invisible woman. It's head high, talking to everyone and believing I'm worth attention.

It's a fucking effort to keep up with self care but very worthwhile. I've cut booze to the bare minimum, am low carbing, take ferraglobin for energy and try to keep smiling and interested.

OP, I'm with you. None of my clothes look good. I've recently found myself not bothering to buy anything except Primark XXL men's long sleeved tee shirts, which as you can imagine, don't help me look any better. Even DH who is very non-judgemental raised his eyebrows at those.

The real problem is the lack of motivation. The lack of drive or willpower or whatever it is that we need to set us off in the right direction. I've read up on it, bought books, done courses online, but nothing seems to kickstart me into changing.

But I have made myself do a couple of things. In the morning I make sure I put a bit of make up on so I don't look too washed out. Shower or bathe every day, hairwash every other day, whether or not I want to. I draw the line at being so demotivated that I don't smell fresh!

Do you exercise? I recommend this because of all the things I do for myself it is the one that is guaranteed to make me feel better - I always come back with my mood lifted so I feel positive about everything else. Without it I would probably get caught in the negative cycle you describe. It is really worth putting your energy into this because the knock-on effect is really powerful.

I am 58 by the way.

I'd recommend a daily dose of Vitamin D; I start taking it when the clocks change in the autumn, and keep going until they change back again in the spring.

I also echo the pilates and general 'self care' approach. I think we're a bit burnt out having devoted ourselves to partners and children for what seems like eons.

I've gone back to college to study and re-establish myself - I get to mix with people who haven't labelled me, so see me as who I am. I've not changed much over the years - but I'm a bit fatter :)

Many people embark on an exercise programme specifically to lose weight so it is just a chore & something they do reluctantly - my point is that it is worth doing in and for itself because of the general improvement in well-being you will experience. If you also happen to lose weight, that's a plus

This thread is great. Have also lost my mojo at 36, so am picking up some tips (and painting my nails now!).

I have started doing the Yoga with Adriene YouTube videos when I have a little spare time. They're free and there are beginners ones. Sometimes it's nice just to sit up straight, close your eyes and focus on your breathing if nothing else.

Thanks for starting it OP

It's hard .when you stop doing things ,it's hard to start again.washing .you feel a mess,so you do less,then you look a mess,vicious circle

MonumentalAlabaster that's a great point. I go for an hour's walk most evenings with some friends. We all agree it is always better to go than to stay home. It fills me with energy (even on a winter's evening when I'd rather be sitting on the sofa listening to the radio).

Yes arousingcheer it is not a means to an end, it is a joy in itself.

I would try walking and the yoga videos, as a walk always makes me feel better and being out of the house takes my mind of beating myself up. Yoga will help you to think about your posture and if you enjoy you could find a local class. When I feel down I tend to slouch which doesn’t help the way I look in clothes.

go on a sex diet...or,add lots of it into your day/nights. it always cheers me up.has a knock on(the wall)lol effect cos you graduate into looking better and feeling better..

I thinks does take effort and it can be tough.
I am 57. Two years ago I had a couple of minor health issues and my doctor advised I should lose some weight. I joined slimming world and lost 1.5 stone and dropped two dress sizes. Felt so much better for it and everyone I know was very complimentary. This really boosted my confidence. I started running, got my bike out of the garage. Bought some new clothes as a treat. I am lucky to live in a "nice" small town where we have some good independent clothes shops for older women. Staff are very helpful at giving you advice on flattering styles and colours.

Eat healthily, exercise regularly. Have a good haircut on a regular basis and colour your hair, in a subtle shade. I do lots of interesting things and meet a variety of people and try to keep my mind active. I have a great friend who is 91 and she is very inspirational to me. I also know several people to whom life has delivered a bitter blow, and I am grateful for the life I have had.
Good luck, all of you.

Agree abut exercise. I am 57 and best thing l have done is take up circuit training. Used to do it in my 20s so makes me feel young again. Even buying and wearing the gear gives me a lift. Its not about weight but flexibility and knnowing l can still run is a total buzz. Also get a blowdry every weekend. Its probable wasteful but l don't care. Its therapeutic. Both these things make me reach for nicer clothes in my wardrobe..l am size 14 and happy with that.

I think it helps me if I feel more groomed - get a good haircut and a mani pedi plus a facial if you can afford. I find that my skin seems drier so am slathering moisturiser on all over. Indulge in some beautiful lotions and potions. I agree with the PP who said get some nice accessories.
Maybe you need to rethink your at-home style? Perhaps some nice soft fabrics but with a little coordination?

Re all those saying 'get a good haircut' I couldn't agree more, but (and not to derail the thread) this in itself may prove impossible.

For my birthday I splashed out on a new cut and colour at a very trendy salon (I follow their social media so I felt confident it was a good fit) and got a terrible, unflattering result nothing like what I was expecting. Went back and got a slighly improved result, hated it so much I recoloured and went to my local roller set place for a cheap remedial effort.

Increasingly I feel like the hairdresser's is a place where they are least likely to see and hear who I am. My friend and I were talking about it last week. She says she's loyal to her current person because 'She sees me.'

I used to be a hairdresser and have a pretty good idea of what goes into it all (realistic expectations etc) and this doesn't seem to help me at all. Since I was in my 40s I've felt a lot more push-and-pull with the 'soft, face-framing layers or bob' brigade, and disapproval for wanting something different. I've been told 'We don't do things just because' (when I asked for an undercut) and asked (at a different salon) if I wanted an undercut because I'm going grey at the sides (as if I was trying to get rid of the grey by shaving it off, being the only person in the world who might not know you can colour it). I find it immensely frustrating and alienating. It actually makes me want to cry.

Again, sorry, don't want to derail, but I feel like this is part of the discussion of invisibility.

Arousing - Age is no barrier to hairstyle. I saw a lady in her 70s with hair tipped pink at the ends - she looked amazing. She wasn't trying to be wacky all over or dress like a teenager or anything - she was nicely dressed, makeup was great and her hair gave the whole look a sharp edge but without being over the top. More than that she was striding down the street with a smile on her face. You could tell she didn't want anyone else's validation (although I did tell her she looked amazing, because she really did!)

I would pick another salon where you feel they have the skills to do it, then confidently go in and say 'this is what I want" with conviction rather than having a conversation about whether it will suit or your age or face framing layers etc. It might suit, it might not, but hair grows out and you'll never know unless you try. You don't need to apologise for wanting something that is apparently "outside your age bracket". It's YOUR hair

OP I would, as others have said, start with the basics especially in the morning as that sets the tone of the day. Up, hair washed, shower, makeup on. Pick something that is NOT jogging bottoms even if you're only going to the shops. Consider multi vitamins for specific needs if you are able to take them (Holland and Barrett are very helpful). I found that if I tried to tackle weight and wasn't successful, I'd try with the outside (things you CAN do, weight or not, i.e. clothes, hair and makeup) and as I felt better about myself I made better food choices and took better care of myself on the inside. It can give you a boost to start believing that you are worthy of a good diet, not feeding yourself convenience foods and overloading on rubbish etc. Think of it as nourishing your skin, hair and brain - the weight element is secondary to that (although it goes hand in hand). Too much emphasis is placed on weight sometimes but it can shift if you are taking better care of yourself as the main focus x

I could have written the original post.... This may be a bad thing to say but.....I'm so glad I'm not alone in this. Knowing that this can happen to us all, and that there IS light at the end of the tunnel, is so empowering.

I'm partway through my journey, and my next challenge is the weight one. I reckon I could lose 4 or even 5 stone and still have meat on my bones, but I'd be happy to lose 3 stone.

I took baby steps. I did things in stages, as I knew that trying to do it all at once would just overwhelm me. I started with the shower/hairwash routine, never skipping. I also tightened my clothes washing schedule up so they might not be fashionable or beautiful, but they were always clean. Next I added a simple, cheap skincare routine in, and saw a dramatic difference in my dull dehydrated face within a week.

I bought some new clothes. For me, working at home, that was a few pairs of jeans, jeggings, some new tops and a really good clear out of anything ragged, torn, worn or just ugly from my wardrobe. It's a work in progress, but for now my capsule collection works for me.

Next I started moving my body. I try to go for a walk at least every few days, and do yoga. Both do me the world of good, and as I work from home, the walk means I see other people. I'm not sporty or competitive, so these work for me. My hubby loves cycling, and competitive sports. Whatever you do, you need to get pleasure and joy from simply doing it.

Makeup is my most recent project and I've been binge watching Lisa Eldridge on youtube. Next challenge is my weight. I reckon I could lose 4 stone and still have meat on my bones, but my first target is just a stone, for April (my 50th).

This has been ongoing since last August, when we finally sold my late Mum's house and all those responsibilities were over for me. I felt better within weeks, and although I still have low points and blue days, my new routine gives me comfort on even the darkest days.

xx

ps try and drink lots of water (something I fail to do myself...must start to try to follow own advice lol)