I hate the way I look

[Frustrationstations]

Sorry negative post but my antidepressants are making me depressed.
I've always had fluctuating weight.
I have health issues which make it hard for me to exercise and am on a constant hamster wheel of ever changing and increasing meds.
Most recently, in addition to various pain drugs I've been prescribed antidepressants which are also used in pain management. Since starting them I have put on a stone.
I was already on the chunky side and at exactly five feet tall I'm now nearly ten stone.
I have practically cut out carbs and sugar, eating mainly low fat protein, green veg, fruit (High water content and lower sugar such as berries and melon)
Some healthy fats like eggs, avocado and feta. Loads and loads of water and I swear I cannot lose a fucking ounce.
Any time I treat myself e.g. To toast, pudding or a pint I immediately want to rewind it as I know it will make me bloated, I'm exhausted by illness and struggling with basic things like chopping veg and fruit let alone set up nutribullet, seriously I'm that tired (single parent, working, two small 'spirited' children)
My anxiety and tearfulness are practically gone but in their place is self loathing.
I can't bear to see pictures of my self nor even look in the mirror. I'm bursting out of all my clothes and my jeans hurt me.
I don't know what to do or how to change this. I'm mid forties and on hrt too . I'm not exaggerating by saying I hate myself right now.
Please I'm desperate not to feel and look like this. Any ideas gratefully received.

You need to see what exercise you can do, yoga may be a start. I know someone who couldn't walk properly and then had a below the knee amputation, she does yoga. Or swimming.

If you're constantly exhausted maybe get your thyroid checked, I did this 3 years ago, found I was underactive, now on medication and much more energy, less exhausted etc. thyroid issues can also cause mood swings...

I saw a really good you tube video on 3 Americans who were skinny, out of condition and overweight, they did a gym programme and lost fat, but it looked like a sensible way to start.

also if you hate yourself and self loathe then this won't make you feel good about yourself and you won't exercise. Could you take the kids swimming?

Didn't want to read and run, hugs, I am sorry you feel this way. I am not far off your height and weigh more than you so I do understand it can be hard to lose weight. Diet wise you seem to be doing the right things, perhaps add some exercise but I believe this is more about your state of mind. Go back to your GP to discuss your antidepressants, they are clearly not helping you. Also can you join a support group? Having some moral support might be of some value. Hopefully others will come along and be of more practical support.

Thank you for your lovely replies. I've had thyroid checks before, all fine.
I have skeletal problems as well as connective tissue disorders and early menopause. I do love swimming but now I feel ashamed in a costume.
I have a great understanding of nutrition plus input/output for weight loss etc, I know exercise really helps , I used to run before I became ill, running was such a great weight management tool , I also excelled st yoga which I've been advised not to do anymore.
I go to rehab gym weekly at hospital but it's all slow and controlled stuff which does nowt for my weight. Medical staff just all agree weight gain comes with the territory. Plus most of my peers who have similar conditions are all overweight, many much more than me so it's kind of accepted that we'll be bigger.
I've always taken pride in my appearance and due to my height and v curvy figure (plus scoliosis) I've always tried to stay under 9st (ideally 8st but those days are long gone sadly) so that I can feel more stylish and well put together. Now my boobs, belly, bum and huge upper arms ruin the lines of anything I wear.& I'm embarrassed to be seen in public or in the bedroom by my boyfriend or even naked by my little fit kids as they're so candid with their observations!
I don't drive so have always walked or cycled but now even walking is a struggle so I use public transport which I detest.
Sorry I sound a right ingrate with my first world problems, I just feel so desperate x

I was reading a thread re laser lipo. Does anyone know if it's any good and worth the money?
Is it one of those treatments than can be carried out by charlatans with scary results and hideous side effects?
I don't have a lot of dollar but I'm all out of ideas.

What meds are you on? Talk to pain specialist.
I'm on gabapentin alongside a lot of other meds.
Apparently gabapentin affects the way you metabolise glucose, it's sort of like diabetes (according to the pain consultant)
Try to avoid natural glucose.
I used to be very chubby and then I used the natural remedies (crab apple, cherry plum) and something else??? And it surprissed my appetite.
I'm 4 years down the line still 46 kg. 42 before pregnant can't shift last 4kg but coping.
Remember that your pain and your mental health are the priority and then afterwards the weight is another consideration.
I eat everything but just tiny amounts of it.
If you cut down how much you eat rather then forbidding yourself stuff that may help.
Big hugs, well done for sharing xxx

mowgeli thanks so much. I have been on pretty much all pain drugs: neuropathic including pregabalin (sister drug to gabapentin) antidepressants as pain management: amitryptilline and currently duloxetine , opiates including fentanyl and oramorph and codeine variations.
As well as duloxetine am taking opiates: tramadol and tapentadol. Ami and pregab both caused huge weight increases.
What is glucose in? Is it mainly fruit and carbs?
Do u have links to the natural suppressants you tried?
I see pain specialists regularly and they all maintain medicine for me is hit and miss, no cure and many are in better health off all the meds.ive weaned off so many things in order to try the next miracle cure . I really do need these for my mood at the mo altho it's not what they were prescribed for they're helping a lot but the weight gain is causing lowering of mood again.

All the best to you on your journey too xx

Frustration you sound like me.
I'm on fentanyl patch 25 microgram p/h change every 3 days. I don't even know if these fucking work.
Amatryptaline 75mg at night
Gabapentin 1800mg per day split into 3 doses
Diaz prn
Codeine prn
Oramorph prn
Tramadol prn

I use diclofenac suppos 100mg daily then top up 8 hours later with 50 mg rapid release and an omoprazole. A pain as can't take indigestion meds with gabapentin.
I am still in excruciating pain and believe the pregab to be the next step.

Amatryptaline made it hard to get out of bed and I got munchies if I stayed up too late after taking it.

Links coming next x x

taoofherbs.com/products/4726/BachFlower/EmotionalEatingSupportKit.htm

I've decided this one link is better. Get Bach emotional eating kit.
One dose and you may already feel different. You have taken the biggest steps by saying you want to change.

You are a goddess. Keep strong x

I hear you. I've been on SSRIs for years and my weight is a constant battle. Before I started taking them I didn't put on weight easily and if I did out any on it would be half a stone which I could lose in a couple of weeks. I've eaten pretty healthily most of the time and ran most mornings and this kept the amount of weight I put on st around 1.5-2 stone, whereas google tells me that anything up to 8 stone in my timeframe is normal

I'm off them now and can't lose more than a couple of lbs through dieting (any diet - have tried loads). I'm now doing some more serious exercise with extra cardio and a lot of weights and although my weight hasn't budged an ounce, it's sculpting my body and I look leaner. Could be the way to go for you?

Thank you all for replies. I hate that this makes me cry so much.
mowgeli I will follow link thanks.
hairq weights do help but I need someone who really knows what they're doing to support me as can't lift too much due to weak joins. When I've used generic gyms I've often ended up more ill after and I can't afford to pay a decent PT to support me with weights.
Part of my condition is poor muscle tone so I have to work extra hard for toning and definition.
I cry everytime I think about this.
I really appreciate others feeding back, especially those on similar meds regimes to me, really helps to know that I'm not being stupid or vain. People tell me to suck it up and that I'm not as big as others but it's all relative isn't it?
I feel disgusting, fat, wobbly, unsexy, scruffy and fugly. I don't judge others like this but this isn't my norm. X

Could you buy a swimming costume and join an aqua aerobics class? Almost all the aqua aerobics classes I've been to everyone has been friendly and all sizes.

You could learn to drive just because it'd be easier getting around generally and to gyms, sports centres but also out to country etc for walks.

I'm in sort of a similar position to you, but thyroid condition (treated) but seem to pile on the pounds lately!

superflyhigh I'm learning at the mo, been learning on and off for years, I'm quite sedated at IKEA and v anxious so it's a real struggle to learn but I'm desperate to drive!
I have been aquarobics. My ex husband works odd hours so it's a struggle to join anything and do it regularly so if I miss a couple of weeks I lose momentum and motivation.
Sorry I sound defeatist and not helping myself.

Join weight watchers, I've battled my weight for years and it's been an epiphany for me!!

Ps . Ten stone and5 foot isn't massive . I'm about the same and wear a 10/12.. obvs want to be back to my 6/8 but frankly it isn't huge! Be kind to yourself

Good on you learning to drive. Could anyone else look after the kids whilst you're at Aqua aerobics or you bring them to aqua aerobics and they watch?

Do you work at IKEA? Is there anyone there who'd maybe exercise with you? In lunch break, after work, attend a class etc?

My big thing now is I'd be far more likely to exercise if I had a gym buddy (exercise buddy) which makes it so easier to exercise!

Swimming is the best thing ever, not just for exercise purposes, but for the effect it has on mood - seriously. I know that you feel big for you, but you really aren't. I promise that if you go swim there will be legions of women, all shapes and sizes, feeling the same. I was a size 28 when I started swimming - imagine! ( or don't, it's not pretty). It was really hard to put that costume on and face people. I'm now a size 18..so still big (but getting closer to my goal)..and I am so glad that I did. First time is the hardest, after that you realise everyone else is in the same boat one way or another.

Fatgirl now you've said that about swimming I'm going to swim or find an Aqua aerobics class and try to get my size 18 friend to come with me after work!

Ah, that is wonderful Super, thank you! Just take it slowly at first, don't push too much and hurt yourself, and work your way up, and keep at it (that's the real key) and it will help so much..I am like the proverbial tortoise, I just keep going, slowly (literally..there are 70 year olds passing me in the pool!)..but it works! You will find that everything will improve..stamina, shape, fitness etc..and you will be so glad that you did. Happy swimming to you!

I'm really sorry to hear about your health. It will be a struggle to keep a lower weight so in the meantime show yourself some kindness and but some new clothes that fit. You will look and feel better even if you hate having to buy a bigger size.
Also please do not let self consciousness in a swimsuit or any other clothes stop you doing an exercise that will help you stay healthy and fit. Please.

Oh gosh, this was me last year
I have EDS and had a string of injuries and pain related conditions. Amytriptilene made me pile on the weight, along with SSRIs, and I developed a fear of injuring myself which meant I was too scared to do anything other than gentle exercise.
I signed up with a personal trainer in September and told him all my problems. I've cried at him about how I feel so many times, but he's helping me get my body and mind back on track.
I'm 2st down and feel stronger than I ever believed I could be. Improving my muscular strength will protect my joints as my connective tissue leaves them vulnerable to injury.
Sorry to make this all about me (I'm going for empathy, hope it doesn't come across as self-absorbed) but U wanted to tell you that there is a way out.
It's hard when you lose faith in your body and feel like you are made of glass, but you are stronger than you know.
You can get through this @frustrationstations

following on from TearDrop's post an overweight friend last year had great success with her now exSO who's a personal trainer, he got her into clean eating and running with a black bag to sweat more. She lost 2.5 stone at last count but did it gradually.

If a personal trainer is too much for you alone, try advertising (meet up etc)with others to get a personal trainer or if in London there was a new app or something for a few people to join and get a personal trainer for less money.

TeardropExplodes your post is really helpful, eds is one of my conditions along with fibromayalgia so we have been on similar journey. I might rethink PT maybe even for short term, it cost loads but I do see results with one really good trainer I used before.
I will respond to all posts later, kids need me now!
Thanks everyone and no I definitely don't work at ikea I work in a very desk bound job which is boring which really doesn't help my motivation!
Thanks to the person wo said they're a similar weight and height, maybe I'm blowing in out of proportion but I feel so out of proportion too! I'm West Indian so have huuuuige batty even wen slim , plus curvature of spine and huge rugby player thighs makes me feel like I waddle everywhere!

I tried WW but have nutrition training and can't get behind their diet/eating plan.

Glad it's helped a bit. If you can even afford a few PT sessions or say one a month/fortnight for him to set you a program, teach it and review, I think you'd see results.
Mine's become a good friend - he's always around on WhatsApp if I need anything.
It's about learning to trust your body again, and challenging it safely.
It is bloody expensive, but I see it as an investment in my long-term health and happiness.

It must be really hard to have not be able to exercise as much as you use to because it does have such a positive impact on your mood.

Don't worry about how you look in a swimming costume, no-one else cares and swimmers generally are supportive of each other. Remember it doesn't matter how big you are or how slow you are you're still lapping those who aren't in the pool.

If you like swimming read the swimming thread over in exercise and get inspired. There's all sorts there from people who have just started swimming again to those who are scarily fast. But all agree swimming is great for clearing the mind and dealing with depression. Don't need to go to a class, check our the lane swimming times at pools near your home/work and have a bag constantly packed with your swimming stuff so when you do have some free time you can take advantage. I swim early in the morning before work and it's a great start to the day, my local pool is open until 9pm so you can fit in a swim later than a lot of other exercise classes.

I would also recommend yoga (I use Yoga with Adriene on youtube so don't need to worry about getting to classes) but you've said you've been told to stop, can you get more advice about what exercise is good for you to do because I would have thought you'd be able to find a kind of yoga that you would be able to do, a good teacher will be able to adapt to your physical limitations?

As PPs have said walking is a good way to start exercising again and you can build that slowly fitting it in at lunchtime or whenever.