I hate the way I look

[Frustrationstations]

Sorry negative post but my antidepressants are making me depressed.
I've always had fluctuating weight.
I have health issues which make it hard for me to exercise and am on a constant hamster wheel of ever changing and increasing meds.
Most recently, in addition to various pain drugs I've been prescribed antidepressants which are also used in pain management. Since starting them I have put on a stone.
I was already on the chunky side and at exactly five feet tall I'm now nearly ten stone.
I have practically cut out carbs and sugar, eating mainly low fat protein, green veg, fruit (High water content and lower sugar such as berries and melon)
Some healthy fats like eggs, avocado and feta. Loads and loads of water and I swear I cannot lose a fucking ounce.
Any time I treat myself e.g. To toast, pudding or a pint I immediately want to rewind it as I know it will make me bloated, I'm exhausted by illness and struggling with basic things like chopping veg and fruit let alone set up nutribullet, seriously I'm that tired (single parent, working, two small 'spirited' children)
My anxiety and tearfulness are practically gone but in their place is self loathing.
I can't bear to see pictures of my self nor even look in the mirror. I'm bursting out of all my clothes and my jeans hurt me.
I don't know what to do or how to change this. I'm mid forties and on hrt too . I'm not exaggerating by saying I hate myself right now.
Please I'm desperate not to feel and look like this. Any ideas gratefully received.

Yeah, I was advised against yoga due to EDS (we're bendy enough already!) but Pilates is pretty good.

I am not 'overweight' yet, but in a similiar position to you. I have health conditions that affect my ability to exercise and am lots of different pain meds, including ADs (for both pain relief and mood). I am 5'3" and have always been less than 9st, and i'm now 9st7, which is heavier than i've ever weighed and I can feel this increasing. I have significantly bigger boobs than I've ever had before, even in pregnancy, and weight on my hips that i've never carried before. Along with spots that won't heal well on my face, greying, thinning hair and serious aches and pains I am with you on the self loathing.

I am sorry that at this stage I have nothing to add to the very helpful advice and information above, especially about how some meds affect glucose etc, but wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling dispair at something you have no control over.

Pavlov thank you for sharing your experience. You are so right about not being alone. If you can bare to open up there are many people who can offer support. Many of them around you everywhere that you don't even realise are there.
Keep strong and love yourself for being a fighter. Do not give in to your pain. You are strong and you will come up with a plan that helps you.
G x

pavlov your post made me cry. Thank you for sharing and understanding. It's hard when your body changes beyond recognition , I too have thinning greying hair as well as hormonal spots and a huge upsurge in wrinkles .
Why am I up? I'm sure I heard somewhere that sleep is good hot looks and health

Can I also suggest buying some really really nice things to boost how you feel?
I've bought quite a lot of clothes and shoes since last summer as my body has changed since having my son.
It would be good to get a thread going on chronic pain and coping with it and it's side effects if there isn't one.
Lots of love and have a great day. The sun is shining. Shave your legs and throw on some lip stick. Clean your sunglasses and get outside it will help x

mowgeli no sun here!
Wet and grey. Was meant to work but feeling shitty mentally and physically so have gone sick and hoping to sleep. I feel so down and struggling to walk right now. Thanks for tips tho, I will put in place when feeling better x

I can understand where you are coming from. I have EDS and after a tendon tearing incident 2 years ago, I've barely been able to exercise. I'd just got as fit as I'm able to be and my weight was great and I looked my best. Now weight is all back on again and I feel shit about myself. It seems to be one step forward two back : (

I've got some clothes that fit and had a lovely haircut and am eating healthily and now I've just got to try motivate myself to start walking a bit more. I think it's my motivation that has totally gone.

Your weight doesn't sound bad really. Maybe it's more how you are feeling about yourself than how you actually look in reality which is the problem at the moment. How about small steps and realistic ones? Could you manage a 10min walk? I often think taking the first step is the hardest and that is where I'm at too. Also just over 5' and probably around the same weight as you. Maybe we could both challenge ourselves to a short walk as a way of feeling more positive?

disastrousflapjack that's a fab idea, I'm up for it. I'm also on the tail end of a disaster relationship which has def not helped my health. He made big noises about supporting me but in reality has held me back a lot. I need to get strong enough to ditch him.
Interesting you and a few others have said they're similar size and weight to me but not big.
I was same as u last summer, slimmest and most toned id been in about fifteen years so this is a depressing comedown from those glory days, I looked and felt amazing! I got rid of anything over size ten so I'm really loath to buy new bigger clothes but my current clothes either hurt or make me look shite! X

Jelly right, you're on. 10 min walk. And cutting ourselves some slack too.

If you have EDS then you have to work twice as hard to do this same things as people without it. I don't know about you but my leg muscles hurt when I walk and no matter how much I do it, that never gets much easier. There's a lot of stuff it's plain dangerous or unadvisable to do, so we have to make the most of what is safe. In my case that's walking. If aqua aerobics etc is something you can imagine yourself doing and being helpful, I swear to goodness that at your size I'd NOT be put off from getting a flattering cossie and getting in the water. You truly aren't big. You probably feel a lot bigger than you are. And I really know what that's like. And it's frustrating bearing in mind we both sounded to be doing well last year.

Little bits and working up. I've done that before and it worked and by the sound of it so have you. I'm sure if we can get out there and start small, we can do it again! And the best person to support yourself in this situation is you imo. We have to look after ourselves. Eat well, be kind to ourselves and do what we can.

disastrousflapjack you're lovely I do hurt all over, even soles of feet and knees burn even on days when I haven't moved from the sofa. I'm on hold to surgery now, going to look into other antidepressants which don't make me feel so weird as that's part of the issue.
I will treat myself to a new size 12 cossie and will def do a walk today as have slept all morning. I don't have my kids for a few days now so can try and get on top of stuff.

I hope you get some A/Ds that don't make you feel as weird. Some can really make you feel very odd indeed in my experience.

Yep, get a new cossie. You'll feel better in something that fits. I don't fit into any of last year's sports gear and that's flipping irritating but just because we don't fit stuff now, doesn't mean we never will.

It's great that you have a few days without the kids. Focus on yourself. And above all be kind to yourself. It can be easy to forget you have a good reason for finding it hard to maintain a weight you feel comfortable at, but you do. So do what you can and be proud of yourself just for trying. It can be seriously hard sometimes when loads of things hurt or have been strained/dislocated etc. But each positive thing you do for yourself all says "I'm worth it" as the L'Oriel ads like to say :)

disastrousflapjack apart from the beautiful loose Elle vest top I can't get any of last year's gear on, shorts only go halfway up my thighs, leggings cut across my huge bloated gut and vests just enhance the belly and leggings constriction!
I'm really taking stuff on board here tho

Totally with you on the formerly fitting leggings/shorts now revealing burgeoning muffin top etc. Never mind eh. We just need two lots - one for when you're going through a good patch and another set for if you have to take a break or ease off and put some weight back on. I like GAP capris for their excellent sucking in powers :)

I'm sorry you feel this way but would second getting your thyroid checked and even if borderline insist it is treated. Are you on any steroid medication as this can also add weight and increase appetite. I really feel for you and wish I could help.

chester thank u. I have appt with new gp on fri, double appt so will try and address it all altho I feel like they're all so sceptical until I get to know them and if I'm lucky build a rapport. I had three fab doctors in my life but they all left it retired and I have to start the whole cycle again, it's really hard.

Apparently EDS muscles need to be 50% stronger just to support the joints. Not to mention the energy required just to sit up straight etc.
I do find I have worse pain when I don't move much though. If I stay in one position, my joints start to move under the pressure.

NC4now I did not know this I have barely moved all day due to pain and low mood and am in a lot of pain now!

Jelly
If you can try and do a little bit of activity, not too heavy, you might feel better. The way I see it, if I'm in pain anyway, might as well be moving as not, to stop my muscles getting weak.

nc4now I am going to try today, it's sunny here and I have a filthy house am off sick so going to try and get shithole house in order first. That will use all of today's energy no doubt but I also have some things to plant in the garden so will try and crack on with those too, getting fresh air and a little exercise into the bargain!

That sounds like a great plan for today jelly. I reckon you'll feel better physically and mentally for it.
I was off sick for 4 months so I can relate to the pain-low mood- pain cycle.

Good plan Jelly the fresh air will hopefully will be good for you. I'm off into town soon so that will get me moving. I did absolutely nothing yesterday other than suggest Jelly started with a tiny bit of exercise and work up. So today I shall start practising what I preach. I think because EDS is an invisible illness (well apart from any of the braces and supports you might need), you don't even realise yourself that it IS actually a pretty serious condition and we need to make allowances for ourselves at times. I expect myself to do what other people do and feel guilty/angry with myself when I struggle. But we shouldn't. We can only push ourselves within the constraints of what is reasonable and sensible.

disastrousflapjack how did u get on in town? I did precisely nothing till 3pm then tidied my bedroom, prepared a load of leaflets and samples for my business and then did a leaflet drop around my local area so not only did I get some fresh air but was able to donate to a couple of local businesses who are going through a hard time.
I'm now knackered on the sofa but have to continue tidying as cleaner is coming to hoover tomorrow and he won't hoover if there's crap everywhere!

Sounds like a productive day to me Jelly.
I often forget about EDS because I've always had a load of odd little niggles - bruises, aches, pains, flat feet, soft nails, stomach stuff etc but only joined them up about a year ago.
I just thought I was a lazy bones who was a bit delicate and enjoyed an afternoon nap!
I think mine isn't as bad as some people's though, and I count my blessings.

NC4now I thought I had hypochondria, so did everyone else!
I also planted out some tomatoes! Onwards and upwards!

Me too!