Crepes, Cats and Calamari

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Here you go.

So sorry about your DS's friend, Cloud. But lovely for him that his mates were with him.

Rudy - hope the Outlaws have now gone and that you can, at least, have a calm Sunday.

Herbs, LTB. Why do some men think this sort of thing is "optional" for them, as it's "not really their thing" (like women naturally love recorder concerts and watching netball). DH was, at least, reasonably good at this, although obv he has other faults.

I will try and join you for a drink before heading off to the wilds of Norf London on 25th. Zedel would be a good call, and although they don't let you linger, you can decamp to the bar next door to the Brasserie.

AF here with a vengeance and am going through jumbo tampon and huge pad in about 20 minutes.

Lalsy - excellent point about role models and separation.

I have to admit - I actually hid the recorder - it was better for all round family harmony. The constant tuneless blowing threatened to push me over the edge.

Cloud - sorry to hear the news. Your Ds did a wonderful thing by being there for his pal and it will be comforting for the parents to know how greatly their boy was loved. I suspect your Ds may not want to talk about it while he processes it and then might not want to stop. Huge hugs.

BD, those are tricky questions and I will mull them over.

Herbs, do doesn't get to pick and choose which activities you will support. Ds needs to feel both his parents are equally on board. Lalsy makes a very sound point about role models.

Waf, how is your mum doing?

Stropps, how are things your end? Hope you are managing and not too shattered.

Rudy, sending you love and wishing you a gentle day.

Dh gone to Peterborough to see his mum, who is recovering from an operation. I swapped the girls' bedrooms over yesterday and have a day of piano, violin and homework to encourage. Need to think about costumes for World bloody book day. Have copped out and bought for the girls. Ds wants to be katniss everdene (sp?) from the hunger games so will need to think about that one. We have been asked to make cakes in the style of book covers for a cake sale. Wtf. I've added a boxed cake to the Tesco order as my contribution

Oh Cloud Your DS has been an amazing friend and I am sure him visiting was and will be a source of comfort to his family. And good for him to know he did the right thing, though being there at the very end must have been really tough

Herbs, I think you need to have a frank chat with DP about whether he would like DS to drop choir - the brunt of ferrying to practices and watching performances should be shared somehow between you BOTH! Plus what Lalsy said. He is DS's role model - does he want to remember a dad who wasn't there for him?

GGG, are you offering to try to book? I just looked online and it looks like it is a ring-up job! We could do like Friday night - cocktails first then on to there around 8 if they will take a booking?
Shall we start a list?
GGG
Cremo
Hatty
BTM
Herbs

Thanks for the support, crepes. I'm terrible at standing up for myself, or what I believe to be right, and having you all back up my PoV is very helpful.

In my rant last night I said that I had never been so furious. That his attitude will make DS think that his new hobby that he loves is shit and boring, and is that what he wants to convey? AND that I've spent the past few days flogging up and down on my own and he could at least share some of the responsibility by coming with me. He said 'I apologise, but I do do stuff around the house'. To which I ranted, spittle-flecked, 'YOU ALWAYS DO THIS. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about tHIS!' He did look terrified.

I don't think DS is going to want to drop it any time soon - he's downstairs singing Christ Has No Body Now (beautifully) to the kittens.

BD, will put thinking hat on re your questions. My first thought was IT, maintaining service, etc...

Cloud - how awful. Those poor parents. I don't think you'd ever get over something like that.

We have a nice day lined up - maps exhibish at the British Library, then tapas for lunch!

Herbs that maps exhibition is FAB - did it with ds last week...

Cloud, your son is lovely. And though this is terribly hard, it was the right thing to do and he is becoming therefore someone who knows the right thing and has done it, and is an even better person for that.

I looked at that exhihish door frequently at BL thinking I should go. Instead I had a fab time at the theatre and realise I must go to THAT more often. I suggested cinema this afternoon to DP but he is in martyred mood. At least it means he has taken both girls for haircuts (though why, because they would be fine if he paid and dashed, I don't know...)

I am feeling guilty on the supporting concerts front- I rarely go to DD2's dance/music performances for the simple reason they clash with mine or with the last rehearsal for one. DP does almost always go, despite his cloth ears (though in practice this can be a help, given our school orchestra). He has got a lot better at this over the years.

I do at least have solid reasons for not going.and it is important that those reasons aren't "I didn't want to"'or "I was busy" but "I am doing music too"...I hope.

Herbs - am I right in thinking you are the only driver? This does put you at a major disadvantage. Has DP any inclination to learn?

DH is generally less than keen on attending plays etc. but will do if I, or the DCs, ask him to. We tend to share Parent's Evenings and so on. And he does just as much ferrying around as I do. And he would get shouted at if he didn't!

Cloud

Will check on my whereabouts for the 25th.

Spent yesterday phoning for car insurance quotes for DS, then popped out to look at some wood flooring for the living room / dining room. Am becoming profoundly depressed by the state of the greige carpet.

So sad, Cloud. Your son sounds like a lovely man.

Herbs I too would be bloody livid. Chunks of parenting are boring & therefore it is only fair to share them.

DH much better & black eye going down well.

I am going to clean & tidy my study - I cn write my name in the dust on every surface. But I must just check another couple of threads here first........

I won't be making the 25th - am afraid Southern is so unreliable I won't rely on them for an evening out in London.

Ah Cloud, I'm so sorry. Your ds is an absolute credit to you for being there for his friend. Having been there at the end will help him to process the situation. I hope he and his friends can help formulate plans for saying goodbye at the funeral. I think that would be fitting and an enormous comfort to his friend's parents.

What a wonderful person your DS must be, Cloud (which must be a reflection of his upbringing, in my opinion). No doubt he will need some TLC over the coming weeks.

Herbs, I can only agree with what previous posts have said: if you have DC these are things are non-negotiable. Keep on standing your ground. DH was rarely around for day time things, but never missed evening events, although, tbh, I do remember him being in Paris when DD was having an operation. And I know my DS (similar age to your DP) makes it a point of honour to rearrange things so he is available for things like this.

If there is an odd MU during the daytime I will try to get down; it's my birthday on 26th March (also Mothering Sunday this year) so, hopefully something will be arranged with the family.

I can't make 25th as Dp is away...

I am on for 25th!

GGG
Cremo
Hatty
BTM
Herbs
Lalsy

Herbs, yes,DP must for shizzle deffo attend. Is his disinterest bereavement based though? Can't be super fun inside his mind at the mo ..

If this is normal for him, of course, kicks to slats and flecky ranting fo sho.

MI - does dd1 mind that you don't go? She might appreciate the opinion of less clothy ears

On way to hospital. Could write reams on current/future situation but will just shake my head and sigh for now.

Unfortunately I can't go, WAF. Not unless I give up on my own music totally.

She would probably like me to go but as I say I can't.

Row around lunch table broaching subject is summer hols esp as Mr Inferior says he wants to do a week of t'ai. The idea of a week on my own and then them joining me is Very Allluring BUT STILL NO ADVANCE ON WHERE.

I wish we had loads of cash and I could just book somewhere. Still totally stuck and then feel guilty I haven't taken up any helpful recommendations.

MI, don't feel guilty......your reasons are more than solid - they are the whole point. Engagement, commitment, dedication - you are modelling all those, clearly successfully. If you ever can go without letting others down, I am sure dd knows you will. I think it is very important our dc see us especially invisibly working at home mothers make visible and noisy commitment to things greater than ourselves.

WAF, thinking of you.

WAF thinking of you...
MI - as long as someone goes (and your DD is older than Herbette so would understand more) - I too think it's important that children see their parents have lives too, and do things outside of work!

I have the other problem - ds wants to gatecrash choir and book club - I am fending him off!

Had a nice morning at the gym with dd3. At least the brunch and chat was very nice, and more than compensated for the previous 45 mins. It's funny the things dc remember - while we were there she was musing about the kids club - remembers having been put in it by the nanny but doesn't remember why. I'm hoping it was because her sisters were having swimming lessons (what she thinks) and not because our nanny wanted to use the gym (my more cynical explanation). Whatever, she was remembering that she hated it but is completely chilled about it. I am so glad I didn't know at the time - working mother guilt is bad enough and I so wish I knew what I knew now when they were small - that nobody's perfect, your best is good enough and your children will love you if you let them (and probably even if you don't though I would not want that theory tested).

Herbs, do you mind your do not driving? My sil refuses to learn because she says it's never been a problem not being able to - which is true because my brother spends his entire weekend as the family taxi driver. I do sometimes wonder what she will do when her youngest is old enough to have activities/commitments independent of his older sibling and one parent cannot physically do it all.

I'm a tentative for the 25th March if i'm allowed to be. I need to confirm what else is going on and can let you know for definite later this week.

Hope the various ds are bearing up with what life is throwing at them - and their mothers are too.

I don't know how we'd have managed without two drivers in the family....At one point we just had the one car, and that was bad enough...

Herbs maybe a lone voice here...I would be as angry as you, have no doubt about that... but I might on reflection, be wanting to cut DP some slack. He's been bereaved. He may not be making entirely rational decisions. Just a thought... although if it's a trend, ignore all of the above....as you were.
DH and I have had to divide concerts, parents evenings etc. between us. Sometimes we made it to something at school together, ...often not. There always seemed to be a baby that someone had to look after. That said, I have had a sneaking suspicion that DH was bored at Ds2s music concerts at school...sneakily on his phone etc, or a little too quick to offer to stay behind with DD...

Cloud huge credit to your DS.

Rudy sorry not to have posted...have things improved a bit?

Sorry not to have caught up properly. I have had a very lovely but very poignant and draining weekend. I am half way home having a cuppa. I am going to hug my DC at every opportunity I get. Life is so very fragile.

Depends where you live though surely (re driving)? I don't drive, and we barely use our car (probably about to get rid of it and try without for a while although we may need a bigger shed as that is its main purpose!). When the dc were little we used it a bit more than we do now but could have managed without, as friends round here did.

I feel bushed. AM tying to cook nice food for exam- and illness-afflicted menfolk but may go and have little lie down soon......

Rose, how was your friend? What a lovely thing to do, to get away together like that - but very draining I am sure.

Look at our Science homework....a female reproductive organ cake! Bet none of you have been making that this afternoon.....

Cloud, well done to your ds. I'm glad there were a group there together, who can all support each other over the next weeks and months. Will they access any bereavement counselling? I wonder if they can go as s group - it may be cathartic.

Hope your weekend was OK Rose, again a really supportive act.

Herbs, it's such a hard one. Parenting should be split, but if someone doesn't step up to the plate, you either have to shout and then get accompanied by a sulky other half or just leave them to stew and make them feel guilty....neither of those is great, so I suspect planning who's doing what in advance is the way to go to avoid recriminations later....

Well indeed, Beachy. I had assumed he was coming to the concert, so had been gaily filling him in on the probably horrors in store. So when DS said to him 'are you coming daddy' and he said 'no, I'm tired and it's not my thing' it was a surprise.

I have cut him slack re bereavement, and am imagining this might be why he is so particularly monosyllabic at the moment, but he has form. He sulked all the way through a three-day stay at CenterParcs with friends, as it 'wasn't his thing', refuses to take DS swimming (ditto), go camping (ditto), etc.

Re driving, it has driven me mental in the past, though less so now as we - or indeed, I - don't have to flog out to see his parents every couple of weeks down the M4. But it is I who has to do the choir ferrying. It is doable by train, and pretty quick, but DP isn't back from work in time. Though I dare say he could be.

Very irritatingly, I have had to cede the moral high ground. After lunch - at Caminos! - DS and I got the train home, while DP went to do some Good Works with his charity. When I got home I realised I'd left my keys inside, so had to summon him home. I am thus once more in the dog house, and am having to be Bright and Cheery.