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Original poster

Being a bridesmaid - it is costing me the earth for dd to be one!

81 replies

mousiemousie · 10/02/2007 20:30

Dd is being a bridesmaid twice in May. I am thrilled for her!

Wedding 1 is a friend of my mother's who loves dd. She has not asked me to pay for dd but I feel it is for me to insist! The bill will be around £200 for clothes, shoes and accessories. Should I also contribute for the hairdresser for dd? Obviously we will be buying a wedding present too so this will be a pricy wedding for us!

Wedding 2 is dd's godmother who has only just decided dd is to be a bridesmaid. This wedding involves travel and accommodation. I can't really afford another £200 for the outfit for dd...but I guess I will have to!

Dp and I will not be buying new outfits but even so this is a big stretch financially for us! Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

cece · 10/02/2007 21:41

Why not get your mum to sound her out if she is her friend?

That way you will know either way what is expected of you.

Rantum · 10/02/2007 21:41

Have you spoken to your Mum and Dad about this - they know their friend and may have an inkling about her expectations? Nonetheless if you are paying then I think you should be consulted as to what your child is wearing - just my opinion though (although I have been a bridesmaid 3 times and had my own wedding - the done thing THESE days seems to be: bride pays for dresses, bridesmaids buy shoes/accessories (and choose these themselves).

winestein · 10/02/2007 21:44

wedding etiquette

They are not asking you to pay, and I think it would be rude of them to do so (unless they were close friends and they were skint). If they want the trimmings, they pay fgs!

nearlythree · 10/02/2007 21:50

My dds are being bridesmaids next month. Their dresses cost £12 from Woolworths and the material is so itchy it makes dd1 cry. The wedding reception alone is costing £8000 and the bride's dress took 6 mo to make b/c of all the hand-beading. I really feel that our dds are just an afterthought and I am really and for them. A couple of dresses from Next would have been fine.

Anyway, we had five bridesmaids and my parents paid for everything, including shoes and hairclips.

Original poster

mousiemousie · 10/02/2007 21:50

Weinstein I saw that link but it seems to say bride's attendants pay for their own attire, and not that the bride or groom pay?

OP posts:

nearlythree · 10/02/2007 21:53

I just looked and it say that the bride's family pays for bridesmaids, flower girls etc.

MrsBadger · 10/02/2007 21:53

[bangs head on wall]

they've offered to pay
let them pay ffs
no-one expects you to pay
if they did they'd have mentioned it by now

winestein · 10/02/2007 21:56

Oh blimey, I eat my words, my hat and the whole kit and caboodle

I thought attendants were otherwise known as "guests" but I scrolled down after your post. Weird thing is, it would never, never dawn on me (should I ever feel the urge to get married) to ask a bridesmaid to pay fro their own dress.

Perhaps I am common or something .

Just don't offer anything Mousie. Wait to be asked if you are at all. If you can't afford two bridesmaid days on the terms imposed, don't accept them. It might not seem easy, but is a loan the alternative? No thanks!

Original poster

mousiemousie · 10/02/2007 21:57

Oh no please don't bang your head Mrs B!

I will think again although I will have to convince my mum about not paying too...will consider buying a bigger gift instead...

Big thanks to everyone who has offered their opinion on this thread {smile]

OP posts:

winestein · 10/02/2007 22:00

Mousie.... there is no need to buy a bigger gift if you don't buy the bridesmaid dress.

wurlywurly · 10/02/2007 22:01

i have been bridesmaid quite a few times when i was younger and NEVER had to pay anything towards it, think the only thing that i did pay for was my shoes, mainly as i then had more choice over them and made sure that i chose something that i would wear again. At my wedding, my bridesmaids didnt have to pay for ANYTHING we bought their dresses, their shoes, their headdresses, flower etc etc, we even paid for the hairdressers for them. I would never have expected them to buy anything (or we would have re-imbursed them for it).

MrsBadger · 10/02/2007 22:02

thanks winestein!

[swigs drink gratefully]

nearlythree · 10/02/2007 22:03

Okay, so it is the flowers that the bride's family pays for.

So what are the clothes that the groom's family are down to pay for?

Wish I'd offered to pay for our dd's dresses - I was going to but then the bride turned up with them at our house - then maybe they'd have something less itchy to wear.

shonaspurtle · 10/02/2007 22:03

I paid for my bridesmaid's dress. She paid for her shoes and hair clips.

No-one I know (that I can recall anyway) has had to buy their own dress if asked to be a bridesmaid - very unusual I would think these days, whatever may have been "etiquette" in the past.

If you've not been asked to contribute then I truly think you can assume that the bride is fully prepared to buy the dress for your dd. Good idea to get your mum to have a quiet word if it's going to set your mind at rest though!

Oh, and my bridesmaid got to keep her dress!

winestein · 10/02/2007 22:04

MrsBadger · 10/02/2007 22:05

the groom's family don't traditionally pay for much (v difefrent now of course)

glad they don't get to shoose the clotehs though - imagine if we'd all got married in dresses our MIL chose for us...

shonaspurtle · 10/02/2007 22:07

Don't know what she'll do with it mind you, but the two of us used to dress up in our mothers' old bridesmaid dresses from the 60s when we were little so maybe her dd will like playing princesses in it!

winestein · 10/02/2007 22:10

shoose the clotehs?

Whips Mrs B's stiff drink off her before it gets worse

MrsBadger · 10/02/2007 22:12

[hic!]

BuffysMum · 10/02/2007 22:22

nearlythree? Could you buy them something else and explain they were allergic to the others? Worth a try? Its not going to help if your dds are miserable on the day!

nearlythree · 10/02/2007 22:42

Thanks, Buffysmum. Am tempted to get them something to change into anyway - even if they make it through the church they won't get through the reception.

I have heard nothing about shoes, or other accessories. The bride is not my most favourite person after she told us she no longer wishes to be our dcs guardians b/c we have had a third baby.

BuffysMum · 10/02/2007 22:44

Perhaps she is just being realistic that she would have taken on 2 herself but not three! As I told the guardians of my children I don't expect them to look after them long term I'm quite happy for mine to be adopted provided that they get to stay together!

Perhaps choose similar dresses to the wollies ones and see if she even notices....

nearlythree · 10/02/2007 22:49

I understand why she said it, but I hope it's not actually that likely a scenario. I think it is b/c we had ds, if it was a girl I don't think she'd have minded.

She's coming ove rnext week with the dresses. I am hoping the dds will have outgrown them, they have shot up since she bought the blessed things in September.

lackofgravitas · 10/02/2007 23:18

Winestein et al, that link is a US site, they do things different! All the UK sites I can find say the bride's father (old style) pays for bridesmaids' outfits.

Dd was a bridesmaid, flower girl rather, in November. I started off paying for her outfit, but then SiL's mum decided she wanted to pay for the page boy and flower girl outfits. I carried on shopping as though it was my money - dress £11 (sale) from Asda, cardi (sale) £7.20 from Monsoon and shoes about £7 from Next. I was very pleased with myself. Good job it was all cheap, she never even wore the cardi, it was so hot in the hotel, and now she won't wear it for parties as it's 'too white and fluffy' (she's 2.11).

Mojomummy · 11/02/2007 10:01

nearlythree - you can't get your little ones to wear itchy dresses they will be miserable all day. Tell the bride this...or pretend they don't fit.

The Next ones are under £40. Sainsburys one are under £20 - don't know about the itchiness factor though !

Maisiemouse - don't pay & keep the dresses !

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