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Original poster

Being a bridesmaid - it is costing me the earth for dd to be one!

81 replies

mousiemousie · 10/02/2007 20:30

Dd is being a bridesmaid twice in May. I am thrilled for her!

Wedding 1 is a friend of my mother's who loves dd. She has not asked me to pay for dd but I feel it is for me to insist! The bill will be around £200 for clothes, shoes and accessories. Should I also contribute for the hairdresser for dd? Obviously we will be buying a wedding present too so this will be a pricy wedding for us!

Wedding 2 is dd's godmother who has only just decided dd is to be a bridesmaid. This wedding involves travel and accommodation. I can't really afford another £200 for the outfit for dd...but I guess I will have to!

Dp and I will not be buying new outfits but even so this is a big stretch financially for us! Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Rantum · 10/02/2007 20:54

When I got married, I paid for all of my bridesmaids' (3 adult, 1 child) dresses, they got their shoes and did their own hair. I really think that if a person asks other people to take a role in their wedding, then they should be financially prepared to cover the costs - it is unreasonable to ask someone to be a bridesmaid and then expect THEM to pay for it - lets face it - who ever feels like they can say "no I don't want myself/my daughter to be part of your special day"? Let them pay for the costs associated with the event and you finance your family's travel and accomodation.

KISSassangel · 10/02/2007 20:55

mousie, i think it was traditional for bridesmaids to pay for their dresses, as they get a dress to keep, but with brides insisting they all match, they often therefore foot the bill, so if bride wants a particular one, rather than just a bhs nice dress in X colour, you don't necessarily have to pay. you could pay for shoes (she will get to keep them). again, who pays for hair probably depends on if she insists ona certain style at a salon, or if you can do something?

Original poster
mousiemousie · 10/02/2007 21:01

Wedding 1 is a second wedding - not posh, and couple are not high income. And they are not close friends....wedding 2 is my best friend. is it really normal for the couple to pay for the bridesmaids' expenses

OP posts:
pooka · 10/02/2007 21:03

I've never heard of a bridesmaid/her parents paying for their own dress. I always understood that if you choose to have bridesmaids, you pay (except shoes).

nutcracker · 10/02/2007 21:03

If somene asked my dd's to be bridesmaids then I would assume that they were going to pay for the majority of the stuff. I might offer to buy shoes or flowers or something but certainly not the whole outfit.

I am being a bridesmaid next year and have only got to pay for my own hotel room if I wish to stay overnight.

cece · 10/02/2007 21:06

Think it is entirely usual for bride and groom to pay for bridesmaids outfits. Have never heard of bridesmaid paying for everything You are doing them a favour! Maybe buy an accessory like shoes or hair clips but not the whole caboodle.

Original poster
mousiemousie · 10/02/2007 21:07

The dress for wedding 1 costs over £100. Have not been asked to pay. Don't want or need any more shoes for dd, certainly not dark red satin pumps! But certainly I don't want to be mean either!

OP posts:
Original poster
mousiemousie · 10/02/2007 21:08

The hair clip alone costs £30!

OP posts:
cece · 10/02/2007 21:09

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cece · 10/02/2007 21:10

£30 for a hair clip!

I let my bridesmaids choose their own and they choose their own shoes too. So they didn't match but they all had something that looked good on them!

Rantum · 10/02/2007 21:17

If the dresses and the shoes are to be to the bride's specifications then the bride should be the one to pay. If she said: "just get her a pretty, affordable dress that you like" then that might be different. But, you are not choosing the outfit and as you said your dd doesn't need, or intend to reuse the clothes, so it makes no sense for you to pay. As for the hair clip, if the bride insists your dd needs it then she should get it for the occasion, otherwise it seems that she should let you decide how dd wears her hair and then you can pay (if necessary).

Original poster
mousiemousie · 10/02/2007 21:18

Yes it is weird because if I am paying I would like to choose cheaper accessories and shoes than the bride has chosen...but I feel mean if I let her pay for it as I think it is my responsibility. The bride was intending to pay for it all - and I am interested that a lot of responses say this is the norm...

So if I offer £50 would that seem OK...notionally for shoes and hair...and then the bride could sell the dresses on if she wants to (although I bet dd would be gutted not to keep hers!) I am quite shocked by the price of the bridesmaid dress...I had thought Monsoon would be at the expensive end, and that £70 would be the absolute max I could have to pay for a dress!

OP posts:
Mojomummy · 10/02/2007 21:18

no. not at all.

My DD2 who is 3 yrs & 7 mths will be a bridesmaid in March. SHe will be wearing a 100% silk dress from Next £38, shoes £12, shrug from Sainsburys £6 & bag from Next £5. She might get some sort of hairband as well.

The budget given was £100, but there is no way I would pay that, even if it is with someone elses money

PS I am not a pikey !

Original poster
mousiemousie · 10/02/2007 21:20

Dress is not Monsoon, it is from a bridal\shop and will have customised trimmings. Price before customisation is £89!

OP posts:
Mojomummy · 10/02/2007 21:21

ps you've got to let her keep the dress !
She'll be gutted bless her.

Check out Next, BHS dresses are around £65, which I think is alot. Sainsburys have very sweet ones as well & the furry shrugs which are £25 in BHS are £6 in Sainsburys. You've just got to shop around or look out for something on ebay.

Rantum · 10/02/2007 21:26

You could offer if you really feel it is necessary, but at my wedding I bought the little girls dress (from Monsoon!) and gave it to her to wear at my wedding. I didnt expect her to give it back so that I could resell it. The cost of the dress was part of my budget (if it had been unaffordable I would have had to find a less expensive one, or not had a flower girl at all imo). You seem very kind and concerned about the costs (what a nice friend you must be!) but worrying about this part of wedding finances for a friend really shouldn't be your responsibility. If you were my friend I would rather you could afford the transport and accomodation and could attend my wedding. I bet your friend feels the same - stop worrying!

cece · 10/02/2007 21:26

I would say it is also normal for th ebirdesmaid to keep the dress afterwards as well. Or am I wrong?

Original poster
mousiemousie · 10/02/2007 21:27

Mojo I am staggered that the bridesmaid dresses the bride has chosen are almost as expensive as the bride's dress!

The bride obviously wants to choose the dresses...and is assuming she will pay for them too. I want to pay myself but would prefer something cheaper if I am paying - don't want to upset bride or cause a fuss though so will the best solution be for me to give her £50/£100/£200???

This will be a financial nightmare if the second wedding costs the same! The 2nd wedding is my bf, dd's godmother!

OP posts:
Rantum · 10/02/2007 21:30

And if you feel guilty add the £50 to your wedding present budget and get her something a bit more special - but let her pay for the dresses she wants and just enjoy the occasion with her!

cece · 10/02/2007 21:31

I still don't know why you are trying to give her money though. You say she hasn't asked and isnt' expecting you to pay so why are you determined to give her money when you say it is too much?

Original poster
mousiemousie · 10/02/2007 21:31

My google enquiries suggest that bridesmaids pay for their own outfits but mumsnet seems to suggest not...what a social conundrum!

OP posts:
Rantum · 10/02/2007 21:35

I agree with Cece - although I am sure it isn't meant to be offensive, she may even be a bit insulted if you offer her money towards the costs, especially if she has never asked for it.

Rantum · 10/02/2007 21:37

As someone said - that was a tradition from the past, when brides did not dictate WHAT their bridemaids had to wear. If you are paying then you should agree a budget that you can afford and find something suitable within that - if she wants something very specific or very special then it makes sense that she should foot the bill.

Original poster
mousiemousie · 10/02/2007 21:37

I'm not married myself so ~I don't really know what is the done thing!

Bride at wedding 1 is my mum's and dd's friend rather than mine - and she is not specially well off. If it is normal to pay for a bridesmaid outfit then I would like to do so otherwise it seems mean of me. #and dd is overjoyed to be bm. From the responses here I am now not sure if it is normal to offer to pay or not!

OP posts:
gothicmama · 10/02/2007 21:39

normally the bride pays as it is her choice of style design etc.
some brides just say put bridesmaid in a normal dress so then parents of bridesmaid may pay a contribution or teh whole lot

if the bride has not asked for donation I would perhaps buy a more expensive wedding present if you have the funds