Please recommend brands/looks for someone who is NOT comfortable with this sort of thing!

[PlumpingThePartTimeMother]

A bit of background:

I'm 33yo and size 16-18 + average height (i.e. overweight) with very messy, frizzy hair. I grew up with a very well-turned out and hypercritical mother who thought that how you looked was the be-all and end-all (controlled her weight by starving/binging) and who hated the fact that I was overweight and ugly. Shopping trips for clothes with her were a horror and I still feel happy when I go shopping on my own and don't have to step out of the dressing room to shamefully display something that's too tight

So, anyway..... 2 kids and a FT job with long commute later, I have realised that I'd quite like to look better than I do. I work in an office and have opted for the 'black skirt/trousers and generic top' look, which is fine, except that I am surrounded by co-workers who look like they care about their appearance and make a bit of effort. I tried the other day and wore a dress (DH was working near me for the day and we met for lunch); none of my colleagues mentioned it, which made me a little sad until I realised that none of them registered my dress as being 'smart', because, tbf, it isn't. I know my self-esteem shouldn't be based on the approval of others, but it is and always has been.

Bascially, I'd like recommendations for someone like me who would like to look a bit smarter. My hair is a lost cause as no amount of product/hairdressing will make it look consistently good, but I can at least try with the rest of myself.

Recommendations for a person on a budget would be fab, thank you

i think your hair is lovely. I would love curls like that. If you managed to define the curls maybe would look more put together.
Maybe experiment with a wash in/ wash out temporary colour of one shade darker to give it a boost.
I think youd look great with a more boho style rather than too smart

Find a hairdresser who does Brazilian blowdrys and ask them if they would be any good for you. I think on curly hair, it won't make it completely straight for long, but will give you non-frizzy waves and eventually more defined, less frizzy curls, but you'd need to check as I may not be remembering correctly.

Where abouts do you live? Can you get to London? I know a cracking hairdresser for curly hair. He has Afro hair and understands curls like no one else - all types; Afro-Caribbean, Caucasian. I've seen people transformed from this: to this: .

Plumping, plait your hair when you go to bed, to keep the curls.

From your pic, I suspect your colouring means you look washed out in black. Try wearing navy instead of black as this will make a big difference.

Find a hairdresser who has curly hair. They are THE ONLY people who understand and can do a good job. Many years experimenting here.

I'm not too far from London single - please tell me his details!

Dear plumping, I really empathise re the hypercritical mother - mine is OBSESSED, I feel bad for her as I think if she was 18 today she'd have the confidence and opportunity to go to art college/fashion school and do something like be a buyer or work in fashion PR. But in her day (60s) and her background it was more like a) become a secretary and then b) obsess about EVERY DETAIL OF YOUR APPEARANCE FOR FORTY YEARS. Aargh. I was just thinking upstairs this morning that I still don't know what my actual style is because it's so overlaid with very strong messages that still go on today. I really love my mother but even now it's quite funny, for example, we were talking about someone we know who is my age who is quite boho with the most beautiful eyes, but my mother is like NO NO NO DOES NOT COMPUTE CANNOT BE ATTRACTIVE DOES NOT HAVE TASTEFUL HIGHLIGHTS. And she almost gets quite stroppy, probably because inside she's got her own insecurities about her beliefs, so if you're like 'Oh, that's nice, well I still think X is very striking and attractive in her unique way' she almost self-combusts in her need to be like NO NO NO SHE IS NOT, IT CANNOT BE. I think there is def a generational thing with some women where they were genuinely taught (and maybe sadly it was true for them) that the best way to 'get ahead' was to look good. You must simply say on repeat to yourself 'Ah, how sad for her, how happy I am to have my own metrics to judge attractiveness'. While still enjoying the fun that is clothes, makeup and hair!

I also know the London publishing world and yes, some people look like they literally crawled out of the dirty laundry basket and some like they are going to a cocktail party - normally because they are. But my real point is that I know lots of those people who look so confident with the tamed hair and the nice dress and boots, and their self-esteem is raddled as well. Don't beat yourself up. Your hair, as everyone has said, is gorgeous. I have my own lovely mane, that it has taken me over thirty years to control, and I would really recommend as others have said, going silicone free and definitely SLS free.

I find reading blogs, mostly from mn recommendations, really useful, I think the two that are most practical for me are schoolgatestyle and dmbl40 (the latter quite aspirational for me, but she does do useful things like test out m&s jeans which is v helpful!) and reading lots of mn threads - I was just thinking the other day how many great recommendations I've had from here in the last couple of months - Botanics bb cream at a fiver, lisa eldridge makeup tutorials, house of colour (wardrobe-changing for me, was so sceptical but for around £100 I have so much more confidence in navigating stores), rosacea treatments etc.

Anyway - an essay - but I feel so strongly about how hard it is to throw off parental messages even when logically you know they're daft, so I just wanted you to know that you're not Alone.

Also agree with Neither's more concise post on changing black to navy.

Thanks knittingbat (p.s. I like both knitting and bats so am a fan of your nn!)

Nooooo I can't get rid of my black t-shirts, they are my safe clothes

You could be me! Same mother, same kids, same hair! I recently had to give myself a bit of a makeover too.

1. I always wear my hair down for work. Use frizz ease spray and let it dry naturally unless you have time to properly straighten
2. I always wear heels to work. I get comfy ones from M&S
3. I always wear a jacket and trousers (NEVER a suit) just a jacket and trousers, or M&S workwear with a smart cardigan to work and thick black tights as my legs are gross.
4. I also try to paint my nails when I can, but not always.
5. I invested in an expensive handbag - not expensive by anyone elses standard, but to me a £70 fiorelli is pretty pricey.

I also invested in good foundation, I wear double wear by estee lauder. It gives good cover and you can tell I've got make up on and made the effort. Blusher has similar effect so I wear that too.

Looking well groomed and smart is not about size, it's about the effort you put in I think Yes I'd love to be a size 10 with perfectly straight hair, but I haven't and no one will tell you I don't look smart.

I'd also recommend getting a really good tinted moisturiser. I use the Nars one from SpaceNK, and an assistant there spent time with me to find the right colour. Overnight I started getting compliments about my skin and 'looking well', again, it just helps you feel a bit more confident.

I'm a big fan of 'good skin, good hair, good shoes and hopefully not horrific clothing'. As a mantra it needs work but you can see where I'm going with it.

I don't actually wear any make-up other than mascara - I never have really. Whenever someone puts foundation on me (last time was for my wedding) then it feels horrible and caked on. I'm crap at applying eyeshadow/eyeliner/anything like that so deem it safest to leave well alone.

That said, I do have mascara that is well expensive by my standards - £18!! It's tubing mascara (MN recommended it ) and is the only type that doesn't make me look like a panda by 5pm.

£70 would feel exorbitant to me queenmarigold! I bought a pair of boots for £120 last year and they are the most expensive item of clothing I have ever bought myself.....

Did most people learn to apply make-up with friends/mothers/sisters? I didn't really have any friends that I was that close to growing up (I was the shy boring one who you couldn't imagine getting made up) and my sister is a lot younger than me, so maybe I just missed that part of my style education....

HI Plump - have read through and noticed that you hate wearing make up , why not have a read through the Skin care thread on here - there is a whole thread on sin care,step by baby step I have adopted it and like many others on there have found the difference in their skin amazing and are wearing so much less make-up if any.www.mumsnet.com/Talk/style_and_beauty/2367248-amazing-faces-join-our-quiche-and-watch-the-years-roll-back?

The help and guidance has been invaluable there are products and regimes for all price points - high end to bargain basic, everything mentioned we all use and are very opinionated on - from the super positive to the disappointed. Have a read and see how you get on! Good Luck xoxo

Plumping I think you have had some good advice her and I agree about your hair. You have lovely hair that just needs to be managed. I know someone who has a dd with hair like yours and the mum just drags a brush through it and it pretty much always looks like a fuzzy bush sitting on the poor child's head. I used to suggest products etc to her but she wasn't interested. My own dd has wavy hair and mine is poker straight so I had to 'learn' how to look after hers. I fee for that child as she is going to hate seeing photos of her hair when she grows up!

Anyway.....one thing I find useful when you are in a style slump is to spend time observing other people - if you have a commute this is the ideal time, or having a coffee etc.

Look for women similar in colouring / size etc to you who you think look great. Keep a little notebook in your bag and jot down the thing you liked about their look. That way you build a sort of picture of what you like and don't like and it can make it easier to select things from a shop full of confusing clothes. Anyway..just an idea.

Your colouring is not a million mile from my sister's and she looks fab in dark green, burgundy, brown, grey, navy as opposed to black. Lift those colours with brighter shades in patterns on scarves such as coral, lime green, red etc

Keep us posted how you are getting on with it all!

That's the great thing about tinted moisturiser, OP, you slap it on, rub it in like normal face cream and Bob's your uncle. No cakey feeling, and a nice dewy finish.

I'm 44 and do loads in terms of skincare, but unless I'm going out in the evening and need to look really done up, tinted moisturiser and mascara are all I wear in terms of makeup.

I have hair like yours. Mine is nice if I wash it just using conditioner and wrap it up for as long as possible in a cotton towel/t-shirt.

OP can I just say you have really gorgeous hair? It does perhaps need taming a little so you agree with the MN chorus on this point

I also have curly hair and find it much less frizz prone if I get serum onto it while it's soaking wet. I also only ever comb it (ever so gently) with an afro comb when it's soaking wet - in the shower when I apply conditioner I gently comb it through and then the only other time I might comb it is to distribute hair product through it.

And YYY to a hairdresser with curly hair. They are the only ones who ever get it.

I'd also wholeheartedly agree with the personal shopper suggestion. they will give you loads of ideas for good shapes for your figure, good colours to suit your colouring. And they know their stock really well so will pull out items you might have sailed past on the shop floor.

They are really lovely too. Mine gave me a super gentle telling off for being negative about my body and pointed out all the positives instead.

Well, I went to Sainsburys yesterday and bought several new items - nice non-bedraggled black/blue trousers, lovely jeggings (never had any before but So comfy!), two top/dresses and one purple shift dress. Obviously none are forever items as they're relatively cheap but I thought I'd buy cheap items and road test the styles before committing money, if that makes sense. I feel good in all of them

I was walking around saying to myself 'A top cannot make you feel shit. It is not the enemy. It is just a top and if it doesn't fit or suit you then surely something else will.' This helped me to not get despondent when 13 out of the 16 (!!) items I selected to try on were too small or looked bad, so definitely progress.

Still working on the hair, but one thing at a time maybe proper officewear next!

sainsburies clothes are great. Theyre always well made and wash well in my experience

Well done! I had a Gok Wan dress that was my staple posh frock for ages. I bet you look fab in purple with your brill hair.

I love sainsburys jeggings, but Dorothy Perkins Eden jeggings are even better, incredibly soft.

The hair, today: I used Edward Beale leave-in argan oil hair treatment (got it in TKMaxx on a whim) and let it air dry. The curls are slightly crunchy, but it's better than usual!

I think I might give myself a Mickey Mouse anonymity mask next time