Please recommend brands/looks for someone who is NOT comfortable with this sort of thing!

[PlumpingThePartTimeMother]

A bit of background:

I'm 33yo and size 16-18 + average height (i.e. overweight) with very messy, frizzy hair. I grew up with a very well-turned out and hypercritical mother who thought that how you looked was the be-all and end-all (controlled her weight by starving/binging) and who hated the fact that I was overweight and ugly. Shopping trips for clothes with her were a horror and I still feel happy when I go shopping on my own and don't have to step out of the dressing room to shamefully display something that's too tight

So, anyway..... 2 kids and a FT job with long commute later, I have realised that I'd quite like to look better than I do. I work in an office and have opted for the 'black skirt/trousers and generic top' look, which is fine, except that I am surrounded by co-workers who look like they care about their appearance and make a bit of effort. I tried the other day and wore a dress (DH was working near me for the day and we met for lunch); none of my colleagues mentioned it, which made me a little sad until I realised that none of them registered my dress as being 'smart', because, tbf, it isn't. I know my self-esteem shouldn't be based on the approval of others, but it is and always has been.

Bascially, I'd like recommendations for someone like me who would like to look a bit smarter. My hair is a lost cause as no amount of product/hairdressing will make it look consistently good, but I can at least try with the rest of myself.

Recommendations for a person on a budget would be fab, thank you

Bump

I don't know where you are located -- but I would suggest that you take advantage of the free personal shoppers at John Lewis; Debenhams & House of Fraser.

I have been to all three. Totally different looks, brands, little pressure to buy and if you do buy you can return if it doesn't fit in with your life style.

I don't know what you do -- so hard to suggest clothes. A few years ago, I was taking a seminar which met once a week and I notice the instructor always wore a jersey dress. It looked smart, comfortable and allowed her to move.

I then went and purchased a couple of dresses from White Company in the sale and for me I can wear them to work. When I need to be dressier -- I wear shift dresses with a jacket.

Are you me?

Sorry I have no advice but am watching with interest and you can at least be reassured you are definitely not alone. I actually made an effort for the school run this morning (makeup, shoes not trainers, smarter than usual jacket). Did anyone notice? did they hell. I seem to be able to pull of presentable, looking more confident than I feel, but never get to the dizzy heights of "well put together".

With regards to you hair -- can you pull it back?

And I must say I think it can be tamed. Have you tried the curly girl regimen?

Find hair forums online.

I don't think you will feel pulled together until your hair is tamed. Or you adopt a style that works well with untamed hair.

Hair, in my opinion is more important than weight. I see overweight women who look great all the time.

Start with your hair. It sounds as if that would be a good start. Is it long or short? Curly curly or just wavy and hard to handle?

I have wavy hair that frizzes in humidity and I wouldn't dream of letting it dry naturally. I use a smidge of boots curl creme £1.99 for huge pot and a Babyliss big hair styler for smoothing after I've rough dried it with a hairdryer.

Life-changing. On a small scale obvs!

I always preferred wearing dresses to work (am a SAHM at the moment) - I felt smarter plus it's easier just to grab out if the wardrobe and throw on without having o worry about anything coordinating! I had a couple of Phase Eight dresses that I really loved; maybe have a look in their sale? And what about accessories - a couple of pretty necklaces from somewhere like Accessorise to instantly add interest to a plainer outfit?

I agree that it really shouldn't matter what you look like but I know my confidence is always boosted when I've made an effort and feel like I look good.

Agree on hair. Can you try a really good hairdresser who can style and advise realistically for your hair type and job etc. You can visit several fir free consultations to see if they listen and make good suggestions.

I got a pixie cut recently, and it's the single best thing I've done to make myself look smart.

It takes literally no time at all to do, but it's 'a look' without even trying.

After that, cut your nails short and paint them a dark colour, and always wear makeup.

Clothes-wise, what job do you do?

The hair would maybe be a good place to start. Is it curly and you just brush it out so it frizzes, or is it not curly and just dry and coarse? Easiest place to start I serum, wash your hair, towel dry it and then a pump or two of serum, then dry your hair, even rough drying the serum should make a difference to the texture of your hair.

Make an appointment for a consultation and discuss what you want with the stylist. I have hair prone to frizz, but it is fine and wispy, I tend to wear it up for work, but that still requires blow drying and a certain amount of time and effort. If I wear it down its full of product but this does stop it frizzing, so mousse, and serum, then blow dry and then a tonne of hair spray.

re clothes, find a flattering style of dress and stick with that style until you become more confident. Or what about a skirt suit? so you smarten the look up with a jacket.

day to day at work I tend to wear a jersey wrap dress or dress with faux wrap front as I find that the most flattering. this is also really flattering www.boden.co.uk/en-GB/Womens-Dresses/Smart-Day-Dresses/WH763/Womens-Dorothy-Dress.html?NavGroupID=4, I wear them with short cardigans (never waterfall, I like waterfall and long cardis but keep those for out of work) www.marksandspencer.com/bobble-button-cardigan/p/p22236535

sometimes I will wear a blazer over a dress to make it smarter. Or a shift dress with jacket as well, although find it harder to find a shift dress as I have large boobs and they can be a bit unflattering unless I can find the right neckline.

I also try to keep to plain colours and not many prints. Its easier then to dress up a plain navy dress with a necklace or a cardi, or bracelets.

shoes wise, a low heel, not kitten, but not so high that you cant walk in them. something like this is easy to walk in www.next.co.uk/x5d2340s4#980906x55 clarks do some good work shoes as well. If you are going for flatter shoes than avoid completely flat ballet type shoes, something with a very small heel/wedge looks smarter www.clarks.co.uk/p/26103154

hope that helps a little bit.

Agree the john Lewis personal shopper is a great place to start

Thanks for the responses!

My trouble with the hair is that it feels like it can only look good for a very very short time compared to the amount of time spent fucking about with it. Therefore, I get dispirited. I have tried curly girl stuff, it doesn't really work for me. I also get dandruff and so can't use nice shampoos much

I work in publishing, specifically in writing. It's not that formal here but not jeans-grade either.

Here's a photo of when I recently allowed my hair to dry naturally (no serum or product) and didn't trap it in a ponytail.

Right. That hair. It could be gorgeous, it's a lovely colour, but you need something to give your curls definition so it looks less dry and fluffy. Boots Curl Creme is cheap and v good. Put in on when your hair is quite wet, and squeeze the curls up towards the roots. Don't scrape your finger ends back and forth across your palm while you do this, that was scrunching 80s style, and guaranteed to separate curls.

Can't really see the cut from your pic, but perhaps would you benefit from a trip to a salon that has a curly girl trained stylist, to help with the shape?

Is your dandruff actual dandruff or dry scalp? I've found Nizoral (sp?) to be good.

Plenty of conditioner too. The Naked range is good, they have a conditioner for sensitive scalp that smells lovely.

Onto the bod. I'm size 16, 18 in some clothes. Do you have good legs? If so, there are loads of fab tunics on places like White Stuff, or even do a skirt and top combo. My legs look like comedy hams, so I keep them in either straight jeans or trousers. My favourite black trousers at the moment are from Tesco.

Choose tops that come down to the bottom of your fly if wearing trousers, they'll hide lumps and bumps and create a more streamlined silhouette.

What do you do for shoes? I wear wedges, so they're comfy but give you a bit of height and make you look like you've made an effort.

You have amazing hair! Have you did argan oil? Very good for some shine and Friz taming. You just work it through and leave to dry. I suspect you are gorgeous, but just can't see it . Not sure about skin tone, but your hair suggests you could pull off colour, so maybe navy basics and bright pink accessories...

Also, if you're overweight and have a chunky neck and chest, V necks are always more flattering than round.

Ha! The cut is -"Please remove several inches of length." That is it. I have never found a haircut that is actually noticeable on my air without several hours of associated prep.

My lower legs are good, the top bits are like the hams of which you speak. I also have a largish post-pregnancy belly which wibbles. I am trying to diet and do sit-ups etc but it is currently being impervious.

I am awful in heels or anything with height - I can fall over in any type so tend to wear boring shoes most of the time. I have heels under my desk at work (2 inches max) and only wear them there.

You have Guinevere hair! It's lovely!
A good hairdresser who is good with major curl is the answer. Ring a good one and ask for a consultation. Sometimes a really good cut makes managing tricky hair so much easier. And they can give you tips on how to manage it.
And I second personal shopper. My best friend is a size 18 post baby and used Debenhams, she said they were great. And she always looks lovely. I look like a bag lady next to her when she goes for it.

Your hair will be amazing with a bit of serum.

What sort of a person would you say you are? Do you like plain, neutral type clothes, are you a more bright and colourful person, do you like the boho look or a more 'grown-up' image for work?

I live in Gap, but try to add a bit of a nod to my more casual side by wearing coloured or printed trainers with my smart trousers, or slightly more individual accessories like a chunky silver ring or a hippyish bangles.

I think jersey blazers are a great way of smartening up a dress or a pair of chinos for work. I live in a light grey one I bought from (surprise surprise) Gap.

Scarves are also a good way of pulling your look together. I also think they can cover of multitude of sins if I'm having a fat day. Zara sell brilliant ones at a good price.

Your hair is GORGEOUS!

You can make it work -- but yes it will take a whole lot of time. People would kill for such lovely thick hair.

I think it's important to start to try and love yourself. I know that's easier said than done, especially being brought up by a mother like that. But try and start finding somethings you like about yourself, eyes, nails, hair colour (which is beautiful) and appreciate your body for what it's been through to give you your two kids :)

I'm in the fat, ugly, bit of a mess boat and am trying to do the same as you and get myself a bit more together.

As a fellow frizzy head who had tried every serum, oil and frizz free product going, I can't sing the praises of my current products routine high enough.
Palmers Olive Oil Cleansing conditioner, followed by the Replenishing Conditioner applied to soaking wet hair, comb it through and then apply Umberto Giannini Curly Friends gel to soaking wet hair and comb that through. Plop hair with a cotton t shirt not towel. Comb hair after, never brush. My hair looks lovely for the first time in my life and for the next day I add the gel to some water in a spray bottle, spritz and then crunch my hair to get the curl back.

Try a few make up counter make overs to find a good foundation for you, that and some mascara I feel makes people look smarter without being too much.

The personal shoppers people have suggested sound like a great idea too.

Keeley Aydin is the Elemis expert. I love her hair, Google images for pictures of her, she wears it back, up and loose. It looks amazing up. Here it is down

I think it's the way she manages the front, the back is left loose and the rest is controlled.

Thank you for being nice about my hair

I would like to be a bit brighter, as I have a tendency to go for safe boring options. I always think 'Well there's no point in buying that, it's frivolous and you need to be sensible'. I also KNOW that anything I like wearing when in the shop will mysteriously look like utter crap on me once I get home. I buy things thinking 'right, take a chance, it looks good' and then I get home and just thing 'ugh'. Then it goes in the cupboard and never re-emerges. On the other hand, I have around 10 plain black t-shirts and 3 pairs of cheap jeans. A plain red t-shirt is viewed as slightly exciting. I wish I was making this up.

Twitchcoco she does look good - it's strange but when I try to replicate such styles I always feel like a ridiculous dishevelled mess. My mother hated my hair type and was always on at me and my sister (we have the same hair) to tidy it up and tie it back.

I think visiting a personal shopper might be a good idea. Are you sure they're free?

Really think a good hairdresser could help. Track one or two down - don't know where you live - and at least try a couple of free consultations. On nails, I'd stick with natural colours for every day not dark as someone suggested, because they are far easier to maintain.

Ooh, if you have good lower legs you could have a look for dresses that stop at the knee (I have to hide my knees, each is the size of a man's head) and wear them with flat shoes.

Wedges don't have to be high, the trick is to find ones where the difference between the heel height and the ball of the foot is small. I have these ones. See how they're almost flat?

I also love these ones, which may be more manageable if you have Wedge Fear.

How do you feel about a side parting? You can clip the fringe back with something pretty without feeling like a five year old.