Please recommend brands/looks for someone who is NOT comfortable with this sort of thing!

[PlumpingThePartTimeMother]

A bit of background:

I'm 33yo and size 16-18 + average height (i.e. overweight) with very messy, frizzy hair. I grew up with a very well-turned out and hypercritical mother who thought that how you looked was the be-all and end-all (controlled her weight by starving/binging) and who hated the fact that I was overweight and ugly. Shopping trips for clothes with her were a horror and I still feel happy when I go shopping on my own and don't have to step out of the dressing room to shamefully display something that's too tight

So, anyway..... 2 kids and a FT job with long commute later, I have realised that I'd quite like to look better than I do. I work in an office and have opted for the 'black skirt/trousers and generic top' look, which is fine, except that I am surrounded by co-workers who look like they care about their appearance and make a bit of effort. I tried the other day and wore a dress (DH was working near me for the day and we met for lunch); none of my colleagues mentioned it, which made me a little sad until I realised that none of them registered my dress as being 'smart', because, tbf, it isn't. I know my self-esteem shouldn't be based on the approval of others, but it is and always has been.

Bascially, I'd like recommendations for someone like me who would like to look a bit smarter. My hair is a lost cause as no amount of product/hairdressing will make it look consistently good, but I can at least try with the rest of myself.

Recommendations for a person on a budget would be fab, thank you

Debenhams and John lewis definitely free. No obligation at either to buy. Indeed I've left empty handed twice..

if you like your curls, fine.

if you don't - find a hairdresser that does permanent straightening. Mine uses wellastrate, takes five hours once a year. I can use a comb for the first time ever, in the first half of the year it doesn't need straightening, now with four inches of regrowth it takes five minutes to straighten and that lasts a few days until the next wash. (She told me not to wash so often and it does work).

changed my life - I am tidy!

btw don't worry about people not commenting on outfits. Most people don't because they neither notice nor care. Doesn't mean you don't look respectable.

You have my type of hair! Ok so serum and argan oil don't work for me unless mixed with a creme as they just sit on top of the hair and make it look oily. I don't use any shampoo with silicones in. You need to go to a hairdresser who regularly cuts Afro hair and even try some Afro products although some are too heavy for me. I use Avalon organics geranium and orange shampoo which you can get from big health food shops and shouldn't aggravate your dandruff - I have sensitive, dry skin too. Then you need to comb the conditioner through you hair in the shower and when you put the product through your hair but never again until the next time you wash. I proudly say I only brush my hair 2 times a week! Then if you can put it into a French plait or French plait pigtails to dry. If you want to go nuts, wrap a silk scarf round the whole lot when you sleep to reduce frizz. The next morning when you untie the whole lot you should have shiny bouncy ringlets. I often wear down on day 1 then half back after that as you cover up the frizzy top bits. A French plait also looks smart for work meetings. Pony tails are a last resort and make me look like a soft toy of some kind. You need to keep it as long as you can NEVER CUT BELOW SHOULDER LENGTH! You need the weight to hold it down a bit. When I get it cut (only about 4 x per year) I get a blow out with loose curls at the bottom which is really glam and makes me feel great but would kill my hair if I did it regularly. I avoid heat styling like the plague otherwise as my dry hair can't take it and gets quite cross! I use a smooting serum to tame worst frizz on non-wash days. Hope this helps! My hair is do different to my mum's and I had to work it all out for myself... Became a slight obsession but at least we both have hair with personality and I love that!

Agree with everyone else start with your hair, it's gorgeous hair! Although it's curly I think you actually need a bit more volume in the roots - a good hairdresser can help you with this and cut it in a way that will give it more style. Worth investing a bit more in a really good hairdresser.

Marking my place - I'll be back later - I have the same hair and am size 14/16. I work from home, so don't need smart clothes so much now, but agree with jersey dresses, wrap can be flattering, or knotted neck.

Ooh, those are nice skoda.

My sister would agree with you Princess - her hair is massive!

special - I have done it before but people kept on saying things like 'aww, your hair was so nice before'

Sleeping with my hair in a silk scarf sounds terribly indulgent

And I think you're right about the self-esteem bit loki. I will try.

As it has been said your hair is lovely :) definately some serum etc for curl definition , a side parting and maybe some long layers ? Regards clothes styling il leave it to the others as I don't have any ;)

I have frizzy curly hair too. I used to straighten it, but after a while decided I don't look like "me" with straight hair, iykwim.

Now I use shampoo without SLS (also have very sensitive flaking scalp, find no SLS helps), conditioner without silicone (it builds up and makes your hair look dull after a while). I don't rub it dry, just squeeze gently to keep the cuticles as smooth as possible - oh and rinse with cool water. I then apply a generous blob of Boots Nakd curl cream, it's about £7 or £8 a tube I think, but I've had mine ages. I comb that through with a wide toothed comb, then I tie my hair back so that it dries a bit controlled iykwim. I don't take the ponytail(or bun, or knot, whatever you prefer) out until it's dry - usually leave it overnight tbh. I then find I have soft natural curls without the frizz. I have a side parting, because a centre parting doesn't flatter me at all! I don't wash it too often, every four days usually, as it gets too dry otherwise. I don't comb or brush it after combing through the curl cream, I always plait it at night and in the morning undo the plait and run my fingers through. Occasionally I rub a little of the Body Shop Coconut hair oil between my hands and smooth it over and through the ends, but it doesn't often need this. If you fancy a slightly sophisticated easy up-style, look on Youtube, there are lots and lots of videos showing how to put it up.

Btw, I know many don't agree, but I am fed up of going to the hairdressers and them making a mess of cutting my hair - they don't know how to layer it. I can't afford to travel to some curl specialist in Manchester or London, so I do the MN self hair cut. I only take an inch at the most off, but it gives you a very gentle layer that you can't really see if you have curls, but it just lightens it a bit, then I shape slightly around my face. For colour I've started using Surya Brazil henna cream. You don't need to mix it like henna powder, it looks like "normal" hair dye, except you leave it on longer and it comes in different shades. It left my hair feeling amazingly conditioned and shiny afterwards and the colour is very natural. They sell it on Amazon, worth a try?

Here's the link to the MN haircut.

I believe bevelled layers are the way to get rid of triangular hair. Mine's only wavy but I do get flat roots when it's long.

Loving the hair and all the advice.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from, early influences are sooo important in how we feel about ourselves. Self esteem is something that we can build up, if only you know how.

Id encourage you to have a look at www.eatingless.com. Gillian is brilliant on the sources of self esteem. It seems very simple, even though I found it very difficult to actually do naturally, rather than in a forced way. Its ally helped me, hope you find what works for you. xx

Getting a Curly Girl cut is well worth the investment and if you are brave enough there are You Tube Tutorials showing you how to cut it yourself to maintain the style. Your hair is very similar to mine and you need moisture to stop the frizz also clipping at the roots while drying (either air drying or using a diffuser) will give some volume at the crown and stop it looking flat.

I went to Matt James last year in Birmingham he totally transformed my hair from just OK to fantastic by adding layers. Before that it was a constant battle to straighten it but since going curly I've had many compliments and my hair is in good condition. By blow drying and straightening you are just making your hair even dryer which isn't good.

Bumping too

These skirts are a thick cotton and have a slightly corseting effect on mum tums Ignore the minis, the knee length ones are perfect for work. (I work in Higher Education, so a similar dress code to you) I've built up a collection over the years and generally wear them with Uniqulo shirts The X Large will fit you and they come in a wide range of colours.

I understand your point about the red T Shirt. Sometimes it's not so much the style but the colours that make you feel as if you are standing out and making yourself visible. It's probably easiest to start with darker colours like blues or greens or just having one bit of colour amongst the darker bits. Today, for example, I am wearing a purple velour dress which sounds a bit loud, but I've teamed it with black opaques, black shoes and a black jacket so the overall effect is not too overwhelming. I often wear a black dress with a coloured cardigan or shoes.

This heel is comfortable for the non-heel wearer (I speak from experience) I find I need a strap of some kind across the foot to hold shoes on, especially those that are not dead flat. If you really want to push the boat out shoe wise, I can heartily recommend these in the mid heel They come in a variety of colours and are both comfortable, walkable, and get comments constantly.

I think that being around those who know what they are talking about re style and hair - ie personal dressers and a good hair dresser is a great way to get some encouragement about how you look and hints on how to be a little more adventurous.
I'm not a make-up type person but found that asking the ladies behind a make-up counter for some advice has made me a lot happier about what I'm doing with these things. I was brought up by a mother who had little interest in clothes and none in make-up, so I've come to it all very late in life.
And agreeing with those posters above, your hair is lovely.

I think your hair is really beautiful. Very arts and craft. I could imagine a 1920's look working really well for you- art nouveau jewellery, hip length non waisted tops with calf length skirts or wide leg trousers, teamed with beautiful scarves. I think a longer bob could work as well, or tying the hair back in a silk scarf.

Your mother sounds like a minge a very limited personal both sartorially and otherwise.

Don't give up on your hair! I have smartened up my act post-divorce and the thing that makes most difference to me is making a bit of effort with my hair ie more regular trips to the hairdresser, keeping on top of the colour and straightening it rather than leaving it to dry naturally and letting it frizz.

What about trying a vibrant colour on your hair?

Also a bit of basic make-up and nail varnish make a difference.

Some brill advice from other posters.

I have curls too. Cut wise, I go for layers and I find a side parting more flattering. Lots of conditioner and diffuse dry unside down or sit still and leave to dry, adding serum or curl cream at the ends.

Shoes-wise, you could try a low wedge or a block heeled pump (lots of those about)

MY favourite shop for the summer is Oasis, mostly because of the beautiful colours and knee length skirts and tops which offer some coverage.
Your hair is gorgeous, it just needs some type of product to define your curls.I adore curly hair, you will soon look amazing.

Listen to Kissyboo! I was going to say your hair is gloriously art-nouveau, but she got there first .

I have curls too, though looser than yours, and I find that putting some conditioning serum on my hands and twisting strands of hair with my fingers defines them better without using heat. The best time is when it's half-dry after washing. I can't blow-dry mine often because it gets dry and damaged.

My curlier friends never brush their hair, just comb with a wide-tooth when wet then style it with their fingers as it dries.

On the search for a hairdresser: my hair dress or recommends getting a blow dry with a new hair dressor. If they listen and understand your hair they'll do a good job and you can go for a cut with them later. If they can't make you hair look fab then they aren't going to give you a good cut either.

My hair was like yours and I tried wallpapers over the years.

A couple of years ago I started plopping,but using a blob of Frizz Ease serum mixed with a blob of Phil Smith argon oil cream lightly scrunched through soaking wet hair first,then straight into a plop.

The hair improves after every wash and eventually becomes naturally more bouncy,shaped and easier to control. The pic I've posted was taken just under two weeks after I'd started 'plopping', prior to that it was like a crazier version of yours. It's even better now :)

*all sorts not wallpapers!!! Damn phone

I did wonder Triptrap!!

Thanks for all the brilliant advice. I wanted to ask about maintaining curls though; my problem is that they get destroyed when I go to bed. They rarely if ever survive the night intact! Any suggestions on how to preserve/resuscitate them?