Right. I need clothing advice...

[CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs]

I'm not usually brave enough to post in S&B, I'm about as low maintenance as they come.

But I desperately need new clothes. Mine are literally falling to pieces.

I have a supermarket budget, basically. I can make do with 4 pairs of trousers, but like to have at least 6 tops.

My body shape? Odd!

I have Norks that are out of proportion to the rest of me - I'm a 28L...(!)

I am about a heifer size size 16 round the middle due to a combo of epilepsy meds & joint problems preventing exercise. (I can't swim due to epilepsy)

I have no middle - all legs, tits and nothing in between.

My inside leg measurement is a 30/31".

I can't wear heels of any sort, usually live in my snow boots in winter, and ballet pumps in summer.

I have long brown/red hair. My eyes are hazel. I don't 'do' low rise trousers as they are uncomfortable and give me serious muffin top...

I have very pale/sallow skin tone.

I don't really wear blue as it makes me look even more yellow (can't work out why, but it does).

I'm not averse to bright colours and prints.

I need help!!

I literally would have to buy things one item or two a week, but wish to look more 'put together'. I'm 31. I don't mind low cut or v-neck, don't do high neck tops or 'normal' t-shirt neck lines.

Blouses always gape - if I get a 24 to do up across my Norks, they flap in the wind at the bottom as I'm only a 16 there.

I'm slightly Gothy-alternative, love unusual stuff, love 50's style dresses but can't see how to 'wear' them, or where to get them from on a limited budget. And unsure how to make them 'work' without heels.

I haven't bought myself clothes for 8 years, since my early-mid 20's.

HEEEEELLLLPPPP MEEEEE PLEEEEAAASEEEE!!

(I am a clothing disaster zone...)

Lady Vintage have some fab 50's dresses and on sale work out at £30 ish, they are so beautifully made that if you need them adjusted it would be a breeze. Do check sizing first though as its old school not vanity!

I wept real tears when I worked out what size I had to wear!

I wear mine with converse in winter and blowfish ankle strap flats in summer.

At the NC.

I think I might MORE than cry - I'm a 16 round the middle in new money, fuck only knows what I would be in old money...

How about this bargain price or this more expensive or simple and summery or dress up or dress down or floaty or narrower at bottom for tops. Selection of trousers here.

[Have you looked at [http://www.bravissimo.com/pepperberry/products/sale/#/1?level=2&show=16&sort=5&exclusive=false&new=false Pepperberry?]] They have a sale section which should be a bit better budget wise, and you can order clothes to fit your boobs!

Link fail! Try again:

Pepperberry

Ooh, I will take a look at the links in a bit.

What should I be wearing to make the most of myself?

If you need shirts, Pepperberry or there is a polish brand called biubiu which does some too. It really is the only sensible option for the blessed of nork needing shirts.

I suspect I'm not a zillion miles away from you - size 14/16, 30HH/J norkage. And hips. Lots of hips :)

I have a LadyvVintage dress (mentioned above) which I really like. You might want to look at BiuBiu's dresses as they aren't hideously expensive.

I don't do trousers. At all. Ever. They just don't work for me. My day to day uniform is dresses, often with a belt to make the most of the waist. Personally I get on well with dresses with a fuller skirt - ponte/skater dresses are often good as they have a full-ish skirt which hides a multitude of tummy related sins and look good if I need to belt them.

this looks dull as hell but is super flattering on and make me look like I have lost a stone (it's cut for norkage)

I have my eye on this too (this style is qiute flattering IMO if you can find a cheaper version)

I like this

I think you need dresses. If you've no natural waist and are top heavy trying to wear separates is a nightmare, they will meet and gape at the very part of your body you most want to disguise.

I would say jumper dresses, or skater style dresses, or belted. Some if those links above are ok but a bit dressy for every day (actually are you looking for work clothes or casual or both?)

Sainsburys have some good work stuff on a budget - the gok stuff is less lairy than in past seasons and has built in tummy panels and stuff like that. I would spend an hour going through Asos - good on a budget.