Oh dear, I've just realised who I dress like :(

[mumat39]

Just watching Miranda and I love the program and the character and of course Miranda Hart.

But I don't have a clue about how to dress and I've just realised that I actually dress like Miranda. There was the scene of her at Henly and al the other ladies were in dresses and hats and she was there in black trousers and a plain ish top. She's more 'adventurous' as I'd probably not have even gone to henly and if I did I'd have been so self concious. I wouldn't have worn any colour either, probably just black trousers and an ill fitting black top.

I really don't like the way I dress as I'm sure I'd have more confidence if I could get it right, but I've just turned 44 and am slowly thinking that I am beyond help.

I've asked for help on here, and have been to see a personal shopper both in a dept store and hired a lady to come shopping with me but I am still clueless. In both cases they couldn't help me with much as I'm actually a bit of an odd shape and clothes just don't fit me. I'm a sort of hourglass/pear shape. Big boods (34G) size 14/16. Huge 27" thighs and massive calves that don't fit in boots.

I asked on here the other day for help with tops and had some good suggestions, but when I went into John Lewis to have a look I felt totally bamboozled and like a deer in headlights. I didn't know where to start looking so I just aimlessly wondered around so that my ds could have a run around and then came home. I must have spent a fortune on parking costs the number of times I've done this. I don't actually venture into shops for clothes shopping anymore as it's too depressing as I don't really like how I look and always feel inferior to the many stylish women I see everyday. I don't read magazines or things like that as they generally make me feel even more frumpy than I do anyway.

I've asked for help maybe 2 or 3 times on here before and there have always been some really lovely helpful replies. But I just can't seem to put these ideas into practice.

I guess I feel worse as I have to leave the house every morning for the school run.

I've also ordered loads of clothes from online places and mostly send them all back.

If I look on something like Style Adviser on Boden, then I hate the shape I see that is my shape and hate all the recommended clothes.

If I see something/anything in a shop or online I might look at it but then actually question whether it's nice or not. Mostly I haven't got a clue what I like on me. I know what sort of style I think I like if I see it on others, but the fact that I couldn't get away with it is quite depressing.

How am I supposed to reconcile and accept the shape I am and then how do I go about getting help to find clothes that I feel good in and can start feeling more confident and better about myself in.

What is wrong with me? Am I beyond help? Will I forever feel inferior and never break out of this constant confusion about how to better myself. Maybe I should post this in Mental Health.

Sorry for my long post. Just needed to talk to someone about this and I don't really have anyone to talk to apart from a DP who doesn't understand. :(

Hey ho, not no.

How did you get on at h&m mummat? And when is your personal shop at jl?

Hi there. I found the top and bought it. Didn't have time to try it on in the shop but did at home. It's a bit on the large side so I'll go again on Monday and see if I can try on a medium. Thank you.

By the way, Midnight, sorry to hear that you have to deal with allergies too. :(. It's rotten isn't it. My GP is referring me for CBT on the recommendation of my DD's allergy team. The night DD had that reaction, we had had a Chinese takeaway which we don't do often. Dd needs to be take to the loo at night and DP usually takes her after he's had a shower to make sure there are no food remnants left that might cause a problem. He can't remember if he changed his top after his shower so we'll never know if it was a contact allergy or a viral rash. DD's allergy nurse suspects it was viral as DD wasn't that itchy considering how covered she was in the rash. Anyway, thanks for the tip about the H&M top by the way.

To all of you love ladies who have offered to go shopping with me, I'm just outside SW London. I have my appt on Monday morning so really hoping it goes well. I do need to lose weight but need something to wear until I do. If the appt doesn't go we'll I'll be back to stake you up on the kind offers of shopping. DD had a school disco this evening. I emptied my wardrobe trying to find something partyish to wear but didn't find anything so I was feeling a bit rubbish this evening.

Brightbrandnewomorrow, your question has cheered me up so thanks so much for asking about H&M.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend.
xxx

Woah! Back up there. The L was "too big"? Not such an enormous lump then are you? ;)

I don't think I've ever seen an OP take so much on board it sounds like you're doing great.

mumat even if your JL appt does go well, I think you should still take up the offers of shopping with MNers that have been made on here. It's good to have other peoples opinions on clothes sometimes, and they might suggest something that you wouldn't have looked at, but that you love when you try on.

Thanks again ladies. Dolomites, the advice on here and the kindness of you all makes me actually feel like 'braving' shopping. I think knowing that many of us have gone through this 'rut' and have got through this really helps.

Agatha, I don't have any expectations of the JL session, but I'm going to be open minded and will see what happens. I think step 2 will be to maybe talk to a holistic stylist as mentioned by lurking around, which reminds me that I must PM her. I think I kind of feel that I do have a more deep rooted issue that I've never really acknowledged before but having 'spoken' to you all it's made me realise that maybe I need a bit more help in that respect. So I'm hoping the CBT will help with some of it and then looking in the mirror in my not so drab new clothes will deal with the rest. I will definitely take up the kind offers of shopping but at the moment I'm worried that maybe my head isn't quite there at the moment and I'd hate to drive any of you mad with my ditheryness which I know isn't a word.

So, my plan is to go to JL and ask for some decent bottoms, jeans probably, maybe 2 pairs, about 5-6 every day tops, ideally 7 so I have one for each day, a couple of 'going out' tops and a couple of cardi's/jumpers and a jacket and maybe even a rain mac. The appt is only 2 hours so maybe that's a long list but I'll keep those things in mind and hope for the best. It's not really an adventurous but it'll be a good starting point. I,ve been thinking of chucking everything, and I mean everything out of my wardrobe as I really don't have anything 'I love' in there and maybe a clothes bank is a better place for it all. I'm actually thinking that would be a good thing to do!

Honestly, everyone on this thread has really helped. When I started the thread I was actually feeling really down about why I am the way I am and since you've all been so helpful, I'm feeling so much better, so thank you.

Wishing you all a happy chilled Sunday and thanks again. Lots of love xxxxx.

Hi mummat - that list sounds ambitious to me, if I were you I would set your expectations rather lower - aim for a couple of outfits for day wear to start with. With jeans find some that feel snug BUT not if they give you a muffin top - some that come up to your natural waist give the best shape IMO. I still think getting the jeans right is key - do that first and then move on to tops and only buy tops that work with the bottoms - you need outfits, not more disconnected single items in your wardrobe.

Sorry if too bossy! Hope you have fun

Hi there Brandnewbrighttomorrow.

Hope you're well and having a good weekend.

I woke up this morning hinting the same thing, ESP about the fact that I need some 'outfits'. I was wondering if I was just doing my usual faffy worrying so was glad to see your reply. You're not bossy at all just incredibly helpful. Thanks again :)
xxx

Thinking, not hinting. Sorry.

Hi mumat! Sounds like you have a good plan of action.

Can someone tell me if I can link the holistic stylist I referred to above on a thread? Is that ok on MN?

Hi lurking, thanks for your pm. That's brilliant!!!

You were hiding!

Good luck tomorrow. Tell the JL stylist how worried you are/ have been and I expect she'll be as supportive as everyone on your thread. Even if you don't come away with your wish list filled, you will come away with ideas and can go online with a better idea (or nip next door into Gap on your way home!). Take it gently. Big encouraging hug for a size M with no confidence in herself who just needs to find her inner 'swish'!

Sonokylie, you sound really lovely. Wouldn't it be good if you could go and buy a dose of 'inner swish'? Thanks for the hug, and here's one for you too. (())

I hope you're well and having a chilled evening.

I wasn't sure what to tell the JL lady so will take your advice and will just be honest. Hopefully she won't glaze over whilst losing the will to live or run for her life.

I have to find some new stuff as I cleared out my wardrobe thinking I'll keep it all just in case, but then decided as I was going to the recycling amenity site, I'd pop into a charity shop and hand them. There were so many things that I had either not worn or haven't fitted me since having my DD 5 years ago so I think I accept that I'm not going to use them again. A the moment I have. Pair of jeans, and 4 tops which is all I've been wearing anyway. I usually wash the tops at night on day 3 And rotate them again.

Thanks for your kind words and good advice. I'll report back tomorrow.
xxx

My spellchecker won't let me enter your name Sonot Kylie, so apologies for not seeing that before I posted.

Good for you clearing out all the stuff you don't wear - it's cathartic and it'll be so lovely when you get to look at a wardrobe with only things you look gorgeous in!

Remember you're looking for "I LOVE THIS!" when you try on clothes tomorrow

Hi there

Been looking for updates!
How did your shopping go today? Really hope it went well for you, let us all know!

Yes! Checking in to see how you got on.
How did it go?

eager for news! In need of vicarious shopping experience

Hello everyone,

I hope this finds you all well.

Sorry for not updating earlier.

I was actually invited out by one of the mums from DD's nursery for her birthday. I decided to take LtheWife's advice and go for it. And I'm glad i did and it was lovely. And she, them mum, is a really lovely lady and I'm so so pleased that she asked me even though we haven't seen each other since before the summer holidays.

Anyway, I feel I am about to really disappoint you all. So apologies in advance.

I went along to the JL appointment and the fashion adviser was just lovely and seemed to 'get me' straight away.

After our chat she went off to find me some things that might work. I was open about what to try but as I did she seemed to think what I was thinking and basically wasn't happy with anything. She said that alot of things at the moment are high necks or very stretchy materials that cling in all the wrong places and basically those things don't work on me. So to cut a long story short, she suggested that as I was a little 'tricky' would I be able to go back in a couple of weeks time so that she could have some time to think about and have a look at some other options. I must have tried on about 15 pairs of jeans, numerous tops and dresses but nothing really worked.

I said that it was a bit depressing that she was as flumoxed as I am, and she said ( and this was the best bit about the day) that it wasn't me, it's just the clothes at the moment and that she wouldn't be beaten by this. She said that she would try and find things and then call me to see if I could go in to try those things on. She also made another appt for me to make sure I find some clothes.

She was a bit horrified that I had been so brave in giving my clothes away to a charity shop but as I haven't worn them I don't feel like that.

So after the appointment, I took a deep breath and went and had a wonder around the shops. I ended up (very brave of me) in Zara and was surprised to find a few linen tshirts that I bought in some colours that I actually liked on me. :) I then went and bought some jeans from next (which have to go back as they don't fit) and a few scarves from fat face in JL. Nothing too exciting but much better than my current stuff. :)

So not an altogether bad day. The reason her comment made me feel better is that I felt the same as she did so it makes me feel like i'm not being overly critical of myself, the truth is that I jsut don't suit alot of clothes. I also feel that she is on my side and wants to help me, so I'm glad I took your advice Sonot Kylie, and told her exactly how I feel.

Then this evening I went out and had a lovely time and feel like I can call the birthday girl my friend. So the day didn't start well but definitely ended well.

So, lovely ladies, thank you all again for all your help and advice. I'm actually in shock that I went in Zara and found some things. I'm going to look at their online shop in a mo and see if I can order some more things and try them at home. I don't think I'd have walked into that shop without all the advice I've been given on this thread so thank you all again.

lots of love
xxxxx

Just hopping in mid thread... If you liked Zara you must try massimo dutti. Owned by same company but slightly more grown up & very lovely day stuff. Not cheap but not too pricey either (cheaper than jigsaw or reiss for eg).
GOOD LUCK! I don't mean this to sound flippant but I kind of wish I was in your situation with so much to discover about yourself & making yourself look exactly as you would like. I love clothes & shopping & would say try to see yourself as objectively as possible. I never suited low rise jeans but it's the jeans, not me! Then high waists came in & lucky old me .

Remember really stylish people don't necessarily Chinese their l

Aaargh, that's an embarrassing autocorrect / accidental 'post message' moment!!!!
That should say ..., don't necessarily CHANGE their look that often, they just buy great clothes, well cut, that suit them.

I am sooooooo so pleased. Even more that really you've done it yourself! That is much more swishy.
I didn't dare post anything yesterday in case it turned out to hit the wrong vein. But its great the JL lady was so good. I suppose its her job to help, whereas Mnetters are just interested amateurs so it was a reasonable bet she'd respond so well. Do take her up on her offer too. I often find that I go out to buy and at a particular time of year, the clothes just aren't me. I suppose the flip side is that other times are going to be treasure troves ... We can hope!

By the way, I bought this the other week (Zara online) www.zara.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product/uk/en/zara-neu-W2012/269190/825128/LEOPARD%20PRINT%20SWEATER
I'm 32 FF and the v neck is the best shape I've found in years. Just a white v neck under it (M and S or Uniqlo heat tech / heat tec thermal tops would do the job too). Go on - its cheap ish, fun and a flattering shape. Its honestly not too Bet Lynch. And its goes well with jeans or black ... Double dare you to try it!
The other thing I'm wearing a lot at the moment is a black waistcoat from my work days, which I think is sorting out a few necklines that are otherwise too scoopy by giving a nice v line. Charity shops might have them but it needs to be a women's cut ... Or ask the JL woman WHEN you go back if there's something suitable in the workwear ranges you could try.

op, you sound lovely. And what fantastic advice you've had too.

I can kind of relate, as I became a mum for the first time at 39, and again at 42. While I wouldn't change my dc's for the world, I have struggled from time to time and lost my way a bit, I guess. I sometimes look in the mirror and think 'where did I go?!'.

Enjoy your shopping and take good care

Hello Queen, that's a lovely post :).

I hope you've had a good day.

What you say about jeans is so so true and I hadn't really realised that until yesterday. The fashion adviser was saying that she really loves and suits chocolate brown stuff but it's been out of fashion for so long that she's not bought that much stuff in a long while, so I guess the answer is to try and bimble around the shops a bit more, don't assume that things won't fit which I've always assumed due to years of feeling that it was me that was wrong, and just try things on. I tend to hit the shops in desperation once or twice a year but will try and just wander round a bit more. We were on holiday somewhere hot and that was the first time I'd been into a Massimo Dutti shop and I remember thinking how lovely all the stuff was. But I remember thinking it's not really for my shape and have never ventured there again. But I think there is one in the local shopping centre so that will be my next brave step. That sounds ridiculous 'being brave to go into a shop' but that is how I feel.

By the way I hate autocorrect too but sometimes the results are quite funny

Sonot Kylie, i hope you're well today and that you've had a good day too. I wouldn't have been upset or offended by anything you might have written yesterday. how could i when you've been so lovely to me, as have the other lovely mn'ers on this thread. :)

thanks for the link to that jumper. You know what I'm going to take you up on that dare. I think I'm in love with Zara at the moment. The staff in there were all so trendy and beautiful but really really lovely with it. I will be going back to return some of the tops for a size down. I tried one top on in Large and loved it but it was too tight and not in a stretchy way. I was worried I wouldn't be ale to get it off at one point . But because of that I assumed I should get XL in the linen t-shirts even though when I tried the large on, it fitted ok. . Don't understand why I did that. Anyway, when I go back I will hunt down that jumper and will try it on and will buy I if the neckline is as good on me as it is on you. It's a deal.

When I say things just don't suit me, I'm sure if I exercised a bit and ate a bit less sugary stuff, that would help, but it's funny how the whole clothing thing has really affected me, long before having children I felt that way, but it does feel as though a weight has been lifted and I just don't feel quite so dragged down by it. I never understood retail therapy until now. And even though I've just bought a few casual tops, I really do think I love them and that's the first time ever I've felt that way about something I wear.

Notjustamummy, hello. I hope you're well and you sound lovely too. I'm sort of relieved that there are other mums who feel the same way or can relate to my opening post. It's a shame in one sense that anyone else feels 'lost' like you say but it's reassuring in a way and not such a lonely club as there are obviously a few of us. If that makes sense.

Being a mum at 39 was tough and like you I wouldn't change anything about my dc or the age I had them or anything, but I did struggle. I had DS when I was 41, so almost the same as you. When DD was 3 months old, I thought I was rowing an Adam's apple but it turned out to be my thyroid starting to go on strike, so I think that really had a negative effect on me as I was always tired and couldn't function properly. It took a while to get the medication right but since then things are much better. Mine is the long term version and I found the prospect of pill popping forever a bit depressing, but looking back I think it might have been a mild case of pst natal depression. I don't know why I'm telling you all of this, but I think having kids later in some ways makes it easier to sort of 'lose oneself'. I was the higher earner and wanted to stay at home. DP didn't so that was cool. But in some ways having had a long career already and having had financial independence for such a long time, to not have both can make it seem a more drastic change, as opposed to a younger mum who maybe hasn't experienced that before. I don't mean that with any disrespect, as in some ways I wish I'd had kids when I was younger as I wouldn't be quite so worried about being in my 50's when my kids are in their teens, or 60 when dd is 20. Anyway, I'm waffling so I'll stop.

By the way you're so so right that the advice on this thread has been brilliant. All the posters have been so lovely and kind that I wish I knew you all in rl as I'm sure we'd be really good friends and talk to each other about everything over a glass or few of wine or a nice cuppa and biccys for the tee totallers :)

Thanks again to you all lovely ladies. Much love o each and every one of you. I really can't believe just how much you've all helped me. Xxxxxxxxx.

Sorry for the mammoth post again.