Oh dear, I've just realised who I dress like :(

[mumat39]

Just watching Miranda and I love the program and the character and of course Miranda Hart.

But I don't have a clue about how to dress and I've just realised that I actually dress like Miranda. There was the scene of her at Henly and al the other ladies were in dresses and hats and she was there in black trousers and a plain ish top. She's more 'adventurous' as I'd probably not have even gone to henly and if I did I'd have been so self concious. I wouldn't have worn any colour either, probably just black trousers and an ill fitting black top.

I really don't like the way I dress as I'm sure I'd have more confidence if I could get it right, but I've just turned 44 and am slowly thinking that I am beyond help.

I've asked for help on here, and have been to see a personal shopper both in a dept store and hired a lady to come shopping with me but I am still clueless. In both cases they couldn't help me with much as I'm actually a bit of an odd shape and clothes just don't fit me. I'm a sort of hourglass/pear shape. Big boods (34G) size 14/16. Huge 27" thighs and massive calves that don't fit in boots.

I asked on here the other day for help with tops and had some good suggestions, but when I went into John Lewis to have a look I felt totally bamboozled and like a deer in headlights. I didn't know where to start looking so I just aimlessly wondered around so that my ds could have a run around and then came home. I must have spent a fortune on parking costs the number of times I've done this. I don't actually venture into shops for clothes shopping anymore as it's too depressing as I don't really like how I look and always feel inferior to the many stylish women I see everyday. I don't read magazines or things like that as they generally make me feel even more frumpy than I do anyway.

I've asked for help maybe 2 or 3 times on here before and there have always been some really lovely helpful replies. But I just can't seem to put these ideas into practice.

I guess I feel worse as I have to leave the house every morning for the school run.

I've also ordered loads of clothes from online places and mostly send them all back.

If I look on something like Style Adviser on Boden, then I hate the shape I see that is my shape and hate all the recommended clothes.

If I see something/anything in a shop or online I might look at it but then actually question whether it's nice or not. Mostly I haven't got a clue what I like on me. I know what sort of style I think I like if I see it on others, but the fact that I couldn't get away with it is quite depressing.

How am I supposed to reconcile and accept the shape I am and then how do I go about getting help to find clothes that I feel good in and can start feeling more confident and better about myself in.

What is wrong with me? Am I beyond help? Will I forever feel inferior and never break out of this constant confusion about how to better myself. Maybe I should post this in Mental Health.

Sorry for my long post. Just needed to talk to someone about this and I don't really have anyone to talk to apart from a DP who doesn't understand. :(

Maybe you are over worrying/overthinking the style thing? Do you enjoy clothes, buying them, looking at clothes and fabrics? Maybe take things back to just looking at clothes, from magazines, even museums like the V&A (if you have time/ are near london) charity shops and vintage shops, on-line and just see what catches your eye, try things on and experiment, have fun and try to capture that moment when you look in the mirror and get that rush of 'yes, that looks good, I feel good!' (then buy it in every colour)
Go shopping with a good friend too.
How about accessories, bags, hats, scarves and jewellery, they can be your friend and make an outfit. I sometimes remember people for them, like a lady I knew once who always wore amazing earrings.

Everybody I know hates the school run though, thank god for lovely winter boots and coats, and scarves. .

I don't believe it. DD woke up crying about 30 minutes ago. Went to check on he and try and calm her down. She has a rotten cough at the moment. Just as I put her back into her bed I noticed she's covered in a rash. She has multiple allergies and she must have reacted to something or it's possible it could be a viral rash which looks the same. i hate bloody allergies. :( Poor thing is so so itchy and the hives have joined up so she has bright red swollen patches all over her legs and body. So it's going to be a long night here I think.

Thanks again for all you held and advice lovely ladies. I'm going to say goodnight now and wish you all a lovely weekend.

xxx

I may be talking out of turn here but is it really just the clothes thingbthat's bothering you? Reading between the lines it sounds like you might be feeling lonely, possibly even a little depressed? As I said I may be talking completely out of turn so forgive me if I am. But until you feel more confident in yourself I don't think you will ever feel confident in clothes. I think you've said your eldest has started school so that's a great place to make new friends with the other mums. Do you do any exercise? You may not need to lose weight but sometimes toning up can help clothes hang better on the body. Also as others have said having nice hair, clean filed nails etc can make all the difference to how you look.
There will be clothes out there that fit you even if you have to have things altered. Good luck x

What on earth do you mean you've got a weird shape? You're a "tits & arse" bombshell!

Get yourself in to the ubiquitous wrap dress and work the Anastasia Beaverhausen look. You've got assets there!

If you've got a waist, can I just say avoid evans? Their core Target seems to be humpty dumpty with waistbands bigger than hips and flowing sacks being sold as tops.

For genuine hourglass curves, not bank-breaking or untowardly revealing I'd recommend john rocha at debenhams.

Right. I think you need someone to go with you, but with a good friend it might be too easy to say No, don't be ridiculous, I could never wear that etc.

I think you should tell us what area you live in and two or three nice stylish MNers who like a project and who are similar to you in age, lifestyle etc, should be your Trinny and Susannah for the day. You don't need someone who is 24 and a size 8 - they will have no idea how you feel, or what you need in order to still feel like 'you'. But people who can understand what being 'you' entails, but who will still look at you with as a blank canvas, and offer the right kind of positive criticism. They will home in on your best features.

I know it can be a very odd feeling putting on clothes that however lovely and stylish they are, just make you feel like you are pretending to be someone else! Too extreme a change of style will make you feel weird - you just need to learn small changes that make the difference between stylish/flattering compared to frumpy/dull. But you still need to feel like yourself in the end, or you just won't wear any of it.

Evans is a dreadful place, and anyway at a size 14-16 you should not need to go there.

mumat hope you got some sleep and your daughter is feeling better!

I have a similar sounding build. I also have wide shoulders and a short waist (all leg which would be great without the huge thighs!). I find my shape is hard to dress as is neither pear nor hourglass. The classic Gok advice of showing off small waist with belt doesn't work as torso too short so it looks all wrong.

Not sure if your build is similar but if it is then I agree with PP that wrap dresses and tops are your friend. I also find jersey or other less structured fabrics work well. Longer tops, particularly empire cuts also flatter.

I hate Trinny and Susannah but at some point they Identified a larger number of body shapes and gave advice for each as pear, apple, hourglass are too broad. I was classed as a cello and this really did help me understand more about my shape. I'll see if I can find something to link to.

www.trinnyandsusannah.co.uk/trinny-and-susannahs-12-body-shapes - link to body shapes in case anyone else is interested.

To me, all this body shape/ Gok/ Trinny stuff is hot air.

What clothes do you like the look of? Jeans? Dresses? Mixed up vintage?

Morris - there is something in dressing for your shape though. There are looks that I love but I need to adapt them to suit me and knowing how to dress for your body is key to that. You can find this out by lots of trial and error (which is really how I figured out what looks good on me) or you can use the advice out there to give you some pointers.

That said, have just re-read the Trinny and Susannsh advice for my shape and it is crap and not what I actually look good in

Hope your daughter is ok.
It's great that you've got your hair and boobs sorted!
How do you feel about dresses? They are often comfortable and flattering.

Hope your daughter feels better.

I actually believe in the body shape thing but don't follow it slavishly -- I'm a pear and emphasising my top half works for me.

OP you might want to start with one item/ outfit I'm a dress person so I purchased one dress from the White Company not on sale (but with a discount code) for my birthday and the amount of compliments I get when I wear it is amazing. (I actually think the quality is crap; but the fit for me is flattering).

For you it might be a top and properly fitting pair of jeans.

Do not be afraid to wear the same outfit often -- no one will notice and if you feel great it is worth it.

oh yes, one woman's 'wearing something all the time' is another woman's 'signature style'.

ps hope dd is okay.

This is a great thread, you S&B lot are lovely

I dress like a CBeebies presenter so can't really offer any input, but I hope you get there OP.

Take small steps you've sorted hair and bras so look at dressipi for ideas re cut of clothes and then think if you can adapt some of your wardrobe or get a scarf and experiemnt with how its tied. I long to wear casual surfy stuff but my body is not straight up and down so I look wrong.

I'm a similar shape and size too and felt the same way a few years ago. I've got the Trinny and Susannah book and I can sort of see what they mean but it is all contradictory for me, I don't fit any of the exact shapes. Also, the same as Johnny, I have a waist, it is one of my best features, but as I am short waisted a belt is wrong, in my case it makes my lower half look enormous.

I found some brilliant wide calf boots in M&S last year and they have opened up my options hugely, haven't looked at this years collection yet. I mainly dress for school run / coffee with friends / casual part time job. My wardrobe staples are for summer wrap dresses or cropped jeans under long but shaped tops, leggings for cold days. Winter - the same dresses and tops layered with long sleeve t shirts, long boyfriend cardigans and over either leggings / woollen tights / skinny jeans with the boots, or flat shoes. Fat Face is one of my favourite places for tops, as someone else said, jersey is great, drapey but not clingy.

I'm in my mid 40s and size 16 and if someone had told me a couple of years ago that I'd be living in skinny jeans I would have laughed my head off, but with the right tops (and the right jeans/footwear) it works. I know it gets sneered at a bit on here as a mumsy look, and yes, I am surrounded by other people dressed similarly, but it works for me and I am not desperate to stand out form the crowd.

A good tip is to look critically at the way other people dress, wear their hair etc, not just the ones who are the same shape / size / age as you, but everyone you see, on TV as well as in real life. What works on them, what doesn't, it's fascinating. I do it all the time, you have to be discrete and not stare but you can learn a great deal.

Hope your DD is better this morning.

The advice to try Evans applies ONLY to boots that will fit over larger calves. Don't go there for anything else.

I don't think that the full jump all the way into wrap dresses is necessary (although a couple of reliable frocks for posh occasions is always good). I live in jeans, trainers, tshirts and jumpers, but I'm perfectly happy with that because the jeans fit and flatter me, the trainers are comfortable, in decent nick, and in colours I like (Converse, FitFlop and Adidas) and the tops have designs I like, or are snuggly, or especially flattering colours. I have a range of coats I like that fulfil their function. From the outside I look like a non-descript middle aged woman going about her day, but it's not about them, it's about me, and I like my T shirt with owls on, and my cable knit sweater in the right length, and my new pair of Adidas Gazelles in the Sports Direct sale made my day.

Do go to the John Lewis thing, and in the meantime go out and buy Grazia, In Style and Closer. Look at every picture but ignore the text abour "essential A/W trends" just think "Do I like that? Is it a nice colour? Is it a wearable shape for me?" you won't find much that rings your bells, but that's fine. Do get a Boden catalogue, and look at every item because interesting clothes with attractive designs for mothers in their 30s/40s is how Johnny made his millions - it's a cliche for a reason, and even if you don't buy anything it's a good way to decide what you do or don't like.

And consider the 30 Day Shred - worth it for the endorphins alone.

OP, I'd like to tell you something about women who look 'effortlessly' swooshy. Maybe you've heard this before, but looking good or put together on a daily basis isn't a bit effortless at all. Those women you admire will have done what you're going to need to do: lots of legwork, lots of planning, lots of problem-solving, a bit of courage to say 'yes', and finally, some careful buying.

There's no shortcut, I'm afraid, but the good news is that you'll soon be on the right track. Once you're set up with some new clothes, that's when the effortless part comes in. I suggest you go to your JL appointment with as much positivity as you can muster. Perhaps it would be a good idea to have outfits for three 'core events' in mind: School Run/Everyday, Saturday Lunch with DP/Friends, Evening, Slightly Glam.

So:

Step 1. Look at some magazines: In Style, etc. Look at Dressipi. Write down the brand names/styles of any individual items of clothing that appeal to you. Study how the looks are put together.

Step 2. Go to the JL appointment. Bring tear-outs or print-offs of ensembles that appeal to you. Share them with the shopper, and listen carefully to all of the thoughts the shopper shares with you. If there's something you don't understand, ask her to explain. Keep asking until you're happy you're on the same page. Share with her your need for outfits for the three 'core' events I've listed above.

Step 2. Buy, with the help of the shopper, some capsule pieces. Take note of what goes with what. Write. Everything. Down.

Step 3. Once you're happy with your clothes, you need to start outfit planning. (You can do this with the shopper if she's amenable, or do it at home yourself.) You're going to plan your outfit for every day of the week and you're going to pin it to the inside of the wardrobe. So take out your notebook again, or even create a spreadsheet. It will look like this (example): Monday. Jeans from 'X' with top from 'X' with shoes from 'X'. Tuesday etc. (If a scarf is part of the outfit, that gets written down, too. If nail polish is part of the outfit, that also gets written down. Every detail.)

Step 4. Go home and try everything on again. If you like, store each day's outfit together in your wardrobe.

Step 5. Wake up. Go to wardrobe. Check list. Put on outfit for that day. Do not suddenly decide it looks terrible. It does not. Nothing has changed since yesterday when you liked it. Put it on. School run.

Do you see what I'm getting at? It's about taking control, even if that means rigorous planning. The planning will get a lot less rigorous once you've got the hang of it and have a 'mind's eye' image of how you look in certain things. So you will have to make decisions; you will have to tell yourself not to falter. The JL personal shopping session should be your security blanket in all of this. Because you'll (hopefully) come away from that session with some decent quality clothes that suit you, and that's the essential building block of any wardrobe.

I'm so sorry for the essay, but I hope some of this helps.

Sorry the Evening Slightly Glam is all one event! Maybe somebody else can come up with a better name for those occasions where you need to be slightly more glam or chic, but not full-on weddingy.

Hi

Your figure sounds a bit like mine too. Only I'm shorter. It is hard to find things to fit and flatter.

With boots, try Next wider width or Clarks wider width and if they are too tight, go to Evans. Their boots are much wider around the calf.

The most flattering style for me has always been the cut of White Stuff tops: sweetheart necklines to show off the boobs, then tight for a couple of inches under the boobs, showing off the narrowest part of the body, then flowing to disguise tummy/hips. This sort of shape. But they are soooo flowery and mumsy, I'm trying to get away from the patterned stuff, though I'm always on the look out for the same cut in plain tops.

How's it going?

I think Curtsey speaks sense with regard to effortless style not being effortless at all. I read something a few weeks ago about clearing out your wardrobe - the phrase that stuck was "don't keep anything that doesn't make you feel fabulous". Like most people, my wardrobe is crammed with stuff I don't like, stuff that doesn't fit, but that I will get back into very, very soon , mistake, impulse buys etc.

I had a good clearout with 'the phrase' in mind, and suddenly I have a wardrobe of clothes that I am happy with. Not nearly so many clothes, but that's not a problem since I didn't wear most of them anyway.

Have you had a look at any fashion blogs? They can be brilliant for inspiration.

All great advice ^^. I am a bit cynical about the Trinny approach but I do have a friend who loves all that so it obviously works for some.

I'm a jeans woman. When the jeans work, so does everything else. I'm shorter than op but here I am in skinnies, and loving it!

Op, primark have some super stretchy long sleeve tshirts in just now. Buy one that shows your figure but doesn't strangle you. Bung a white vest under it, or don't. Flattering jeans (don't scoff at M&S, works for me!) and you're off.

I'd challenge anybody not to know you didn't just park your chelsea tractor round the corner :)

Keep the jeans dark. Dark dark dark.

And you don't need make up. A teeny dab of cream or liquid blusher on the apples of your cheeks and you're resurrected.

Easy peasy squeeza the lemon.

mumat39 let me start by giving you a very un mumsnetty hug because you sound so unhappy. In all honesty I could almost have written your post myself so I know how bloody awful it is. I too have a wardrobe full of stuff that's boring and not quite right, have no friends I can go shopping with, avoid going out more than absolutely necessary because I don't have clothes I feel comfortable in and have a difficult to dress hourglass shape. I also work from home so don't get to spend much time around other people. There's a huge disconnect between clothing I think looks great on other people/in magazines/on the hanger and what I think I can actually wear. I can find something that I think is stunning and SHOULD suit my shape, but as soon as I put it on think it looks ill fitting, too dressy for my lifestyle, too young, shows my boobs off too much or think I just can't pull it off.

Every season I resolve to get it sorted and start anew. But every season it takes me so long to find something that might just be perfect that everything has sold out and the new season stock has started to filter through. It's a never ending cycle.

Worst of all for me (and I'm still smarting from it as it has just finished) is twice a year I work at London Fashion Week. In the run up I absolutely dread it and start panic buying, then during and after I feel thoroughly miserable because I'm sure the fabulously stylish attendees must have been looking down their oh so fashionable noses at me and recoiling in horror at what I'm wearing. Day one of this season I turned up feeling pretty good about myself only to have one of the oh so stylish senior staff members say hello, blatantly look me up and down and visibly sneer. Someone even commented on the fact I was using the same (cheap) handbag that I had with me last season! Any confidence I had took a severe battering that day. And the ridiculous thing is the outfit I was wearing was not all that dissimilar to something I'd seen sneering woman wear a few weeks previously (albeit not designer). I've since come to the conclusion she was jealous as it showed off my waist whereas she's put on enough weight over the last year or so to no longer have a waist.

I really think it's a confidence thing. Please don't feel it's your size or shape, I have a very similar shape to what you describe but am a size 10. The problem isn't our shape, it's putting something on that someone else will think looks great on you and actually having the confidence to think it looks great yourself rather than find reasons why it's not right. I too think I need someone whose opinion I can trust to hold my hand and guide me through the early days of building a new wardrobe, but without having a good friend to go shopping with its bloody difficult isn't it?

But I think there's more to it than that. When I was younger and had a more active social life I had heaps of confidence in my clothing and loved shopping for and wearing the latest trends. Then I moved away, lost my social circle, didn't build a new one because I was working from home and got stuck in this rut. I think what got me in this rut is that lack of contact with other people. There would always be someone to say you look nice today, have you seen those new shoes in XYZ they'd look amazing with what you're wearing or I'm not sure about that top, I think your other one is much nicer. That lack of day to day feedback from other people really leaves you in the dark when it comes to making new purchases. So it's something of a catch 22 situation. We avoid going out because we don't know what to wear but by not going out we miss out on that idle chat and feedback that serves as something of a shopping compass.

So I think that's the key, we need to get out more. And in reality I'm sure there's nothing wrong with what you're wearing right now other than the fact you'd like to make more of yourself. After all, when was the last time someone told you you look awful in what you're wearing? (Senior members of fashion week aside!) So maybe it's time to put on some of your best not quite right clothing, put on a brave face and get out there anyway.

Oh, and a quick tip. If you have the time, learn to sew (find local dressmaking and alterations classes and it could double up as a way of getting out more). Being able to make alterations to high street purchases to make them fit your shape makes shopping easier. And if you can't alter something you can always find a similar pattern and make your own lookalike from scratch.