why do mums of toddlers dress like they are going into battle?

[Pharoahnuff]

i know I think i did.
ALl bagged up, flat boots, look of grim determination. In my day it was all combat trousers, quilty gilets and timberlands.
now its ugly Fly boots and ill fitting skinnies

TBH i think the OP wasn't being so shitty. She asked a question 'why do toddler mums dress like they are going into battle... i know i did'
-because most days it feels like you need to. As i'm sure she knows..

I had terrible pnd & social phobia, didn't leave the house for days on end, but showered, washed hair and applied moisturiser, foundation and mascara each day as i have since time immemorial. I would no more neglect to do this than forget to clean my teeth.
This is because it is part of who i am and I have a certain amount of pride in my appearance - summarised by the above. For others their base level of grooming standards may be set higher or lower, whatever... any advance on the above for me is a bonus on bad days.

Would love a new wardrobe however, and working towards it. Just so tired of making terrible mistakes out of desperation and a lack of 'identity' in clothing stakes. Its a farking minefield, warm, stylish, comfy, sexy, practical, on trend, non mumsy, er whats in fashion again???

I have to admit that, in idle moments, I have wondered what happened to all of those girls in high school who missed classes in order to restraighten their fringe and didn't look at me unless with an expression of faint disgust, or, worse, sniggering amusement that I had got "fashion" wrong again. Those were the girls who managed to destroy my body image and confidence in style to such an extent that even now I can't walk out of a house without changing clothes 3 times, and being pretty sure that I look awful anyway. Those were the attitudes that mean I can't look at the first photo that was ever taken of my daughter and I without thinking I'm ugly.
Over the years, and especially since my DD was born, I stopped thinking about those girls so much, because I met different women, fantastic people who think I'm gorgeous whatever I wear. Because of the complements and respect given by those people, who will never know just how much saying nice things about me means to me, I'm slowly starting to realise that the only opinions that really matter are the ones of people who think I'm a nice person either in trakkies and Uggs, or a cocktail dress. To me those people will always have more style and class than any of those high school girls.
Anyway, it seems I have found some of those girls again - along with lots of fantastic woman who rightly see judging someone by the way they look or how they dress as twisting 'fashion" into something ugly.

FGS I only just got over panic cleaning following the smelly family thread. Now I have to look good and stylish and practical and modest too. HOW

SOMEONE START A WHY DON'T YOU ALL BAKE EVERYDAY THREAD AND NAIL MY COFFIN

DS off boob. Am going to get bloody Botox. Fuck the lot of you making me feel ugly!

Ive always done my hair and makeup (5-10 mins before waking dc) worn clothes that are described by teenagers as 'funky'.......but as im having a very difficult time with teen ds2 ,one of my primary school gate mum friends said and I quote 'we all used to say we didnt know how you managed it all and still looked good,but **ck me if your xxx can go wrong,it could happen to any of us' .

just goes to show all the lipgloss in the world dont make a bit of difference.

don't ever stop anniemac you have no idea how much it means to people - I don't think its shallow at all! Sorry for ranting this just opened some old wounds - bring back the light of heart I say!

I wear skinnies, that probably ARE I'll fitting this side of Xmas, and boots, and no make up, because I have bloody good skin and don't need it, and because I'd rather have the extra 5 minutes in bed, due to my non sleeping toddler. I don't have the energy for the look of determination, and it would probably be hidden by my bags anyway. But you know what? I Actually DON'T give too much of a shit what I look like. Most mornings I don't even look in a mirror before I go out! :o

I will probably care once I am sleeping again and have the energy and motivation to shift the extra stone, (so in about 18 months) Til then I am happy to be a wobbly bellied zombie with wild hair! :op

My little girl pointed to my extra stomach and said "mummy tummy boob" last week. I cannot tell you how special this made me feel.

There are no skinnies invented that can disguise the tummy boob it seems

I think we've established that what you wear, be it Prada or Primark does not affect your ability to parent.

Gosh I am really sorry that people have been so upset by this thread - pretty sure that wasn't the intention at all.

Hope everyone feels better today no matter what they're wearing.

And I really don't think we were being 'mean girls' at all - as Annie says - its ust for some of us clothes are a hobby and this is our safe place where we can discuss prada/primark/brazilians/botox without getting too much judgement.

Hiya, well I don't have kids so can't comment on what being a mum to a toddler is like, BUT I know all about clothing anxieties.

Being a battered child, clothes were always my last priority. I didnt get enough breath to breathe at times (drownings in cold water) so choosing clothes (which we werent allowed to do) was not an option. Caring about clothes was not even an option. I had far bigger thing to care about then.

However over the years, I have now developed a style and people say I have good clothes. I started off with one or two things that rocked, and then added as the years have gone by. I have about 4 shops that I like and that suit me and thats it.

I know it must be hard with kids, but to those who dont have any clothes confidence either, I am on your side. x

something2say how awful for you. X

anniemac I think that your attitude is lovely, I have the philosophy that if you think someone looks good you should always tell them, sometimes on a bad day a compliment lifts you right up :)
I have found this thread interesting reading. I have 3 children aged 12 9 and 1, so have spent my adult years running around after (extremely excellent) children. I have and will always take care of my appearance and try to dress wellm it simply gives me one less thing to worry about. Knowing that I look fresh and nice means no panicking when I bump into people I know, or meet new people etc.... However I think simplicity when chasing toddlers is key. Always flats or at least heels that you can run in, converse or loafers are currently my faves... Dark skinnies usually, with a belt to avoid bum cleavage - at baby groups its crack central sometimes. And always layers as there's nothing worse than getting all hot and bothered and having to stew in a too warm top! I also have a stash in my glove box of perfume, deodorant, wipes and a spare T for the times my little angel dishevels me so much that I need to restore myself to human looking!
I think that assuming that people who try to look good are shallow and judgey is a mistake. Often its just part of their coping strategy, I admire people who feel confident enough to go out in scruffs and no make up but many people don't, and to be fair, most of us enjoy looking at pretty or beautiful things, so why not extend that to the way we choose to present ourselves?

I think this thread has become a bit of a lightening rod for peoples' insecurities - I'm not sure it was meant as an attack. I personally am always in awe of uber-organised mums who can always produce a wipe/snack/toy from a giant handbag.

I think that motherhood can cause such an erosion of your sense of self that for me, at least, I feel better if I do it dressed as 'me' iyswim.

Yesterday, this thread inspired me to up my game a bit and I felt good. Today, I am bloody knackered and hormonal and am committing at least one fashion crime named here (ill fitting skinnies with unsexy maternity pants creeping over the top). I don't care. I'm going back to bed in a minute. As MrsDV said, it matters when it matters and it don't when it don't. We're all doing our best at a bloody hard job.

LaCiccolina so sorry for your loss too. And a lovely post.

I agree with Annie a lot and also that context is everything. I think the school with that alternative style and the country style mentioned can look good. I would feel very out of place in a team of wag-look-alikes with platform heels, fake tan, nails as it's not me. Also my friend who uses an alternative school is surrounded by people in hand knits, layers, wool, felt; a very strong vibe too. She is happy as it's really her but not me either.

But really I think we all connect with RL friends and individuals as just that. The clothes thing is just an extra interest. Others may be passionate about horses and seek others that share this (incidentally another good style). I'm just too visual not to notice things I really like and will also constantly compliment and remark on a really nice colour or print. It's not meant to exclude others in any way. Which I think is the difference between us on here sharing our interests and someone trying to make someone feel bad.

I didnt notice this was in S&B. It certainly puts a different spin on the thread.
I dont think it was meant to hurt or take the piss either.

I do think its a bit of a trigger point for lots of women who feel they should be 'doing better'.
I didnt even know about the school run mums judging clothes until I joined MN

I have a real thing about clothes. I was a very scruffy kid. Not negelected but unnoticed IYSWIM. My clothes didnt fit and I would have holes in my shoes and my hair was never cut when it needed it.

I really think that is why I have been collecting clothes since I first got my hands on any money. At times I have had the most monumental amount of clothing. All bargains but still an awful lot of them.

I collected a huge amount when DD was sick. I am like Pavlov's dogs when it comes to clothes buying. Bit of stress and off I go

I have found that the more stuff you have the harder it is to find something to wear. So over the last few years I have began to whittle it down and be a bit more choosy. That might be down to my age though or the fact that affordable clothes are now such utter crap. Yes Topshop I am looking at YOU.

Can't be arsed to read the rest of the thread as I'm still snorting biscuit crumbs over 'smart=bitchy, scruffy=caring'. I'm snorting crumbs out over a hideous, baggy pair of faded PJ bottoms, natch.

Surely there's a third category to add to Smartbitch, ScruffyUberMother. That would be 'However I try, I still look like a Bag Lady'.

Yup, put me down for that one.

Oh for fecksake. Smart bitch Scruffy UberMother

Actually, now I've been arsed to read this thread, I would like to retract my previous lighthearted post. If the OP and others can't remember why you dress utilitarian-like when you have toddlers, then you are clearly far enough away from that era to have forgotten.

And the older you get, the more time you need. I haven't been to the hairdresser in over 6 months. Why? I'm hard-up, I can't get an appt during the week because DH's working, and though I suppose I could get one on a saturday, those always seem to require booking 6 weeks in advance, and ... oh, see reason one. I Ped-egg my feet on saturday mornings, anyway. Something's got to give! Buggered if I'm getting up half an hour before everyone else to make myself pretty, anyway. If it can't be done in five minutes, it isn't done.

It's not that I don't like clothes, they were my hobby. I had a whole wardrobe full of beautiful clothes from Chloe to Whistles, Miu Miu to Jigsaw. But I can't afford it anymore, really and truly don't have the time, my waistline is not so much wasp like anymore, more bumble bee. My proportions have all changed, sleep deprivation has ravaged my skin. I don't feel good naked, everything sags. I don't have time to do my nails nicely, blow dry my very long hair (recently cut for first time in 6 months, will NOT get a bob as is the last part of ME that I am hanging on to).

My sons are full on from dawn till dusk. I am so tired. The last time I dressed nicely and went to the park I got stared at more than if I'd gone naked. Loads of other mums giving me a head to toe once over, which made me feel ridiculous. I wear a hat to work and brush it at work because it can take ten mins to get a brush thru it whilst screaming "put that down! I said no! Don't slam doors! Be careful of your brother!"

So comments like, and I paraphrase 'surely you can find five mins, put a bit of make up on, wear something feminine and stylish' make me feel like shit. Because I love clothes and fashion and I hate feeling like crap. But seriously, I really do not have time, energy, money and even if I did, maintaining it without getting totally filthy and getting holes in everything or going through clothes that are mean for more delicate wear than tearing around shoving a 40kg laden pushchair, to the park, chasing a bolter, squeezing through space spaces, up and on floor, weaning mealtimes, clearing up house etc. is impossible. Any lovely clothes would be very quickly ruined.

For the poster upthread who asked why people like Boden, I reckon it is because they have got it exactly right for so many post-baby women.

When I was pregnant with my eldest, I swore to myself that I would never 'let myself go'. However, 4 years and 3 babies later, I genuinely found that I simply didn't know how to dress any more. I wasn't the trendy 20-something I was pre-kids. I was basically the same shape and size, but a completely different person and, while my confidence hadn't disappeared, I didn't really know who I was or how I should dress now. I didn't want to be trendy, but not frumpy either.

Boden basically tells you what to wear. It's a one-stop wardrobe. Yes, I know it is lazy and unimaginitive, style-wise, but it works fr women like me who want to look well turned out without being fashion victimy, who no longer have the confidence to just try stuff, and who (quite frankly) would need to be paid good money to actually venture into a high street shop / changing room. And who wouldn't have the time, even if they did have the inclination.

Sorry - got called away, hadn't quite finished.....

Bringing it back to the point of the thread, I think the problem so many women have, not just post-kids but also as they get older, is that it is very difficult to know how to dress / present yourself, which is why it is such a sensitive issue for many. Topshop is all wrong (and doesn't fit anyway) and you don't want 'disposable' fashion any more because you don't have time to go shopping every fortnight any more, and what was once cheap-and-cheerful suddenly just looks cheap once you hit 35-ish. You want and need to look like a grown-up, but you don't want to look frumpy. It genuinely feels like a minefield.

I would love to have an individual style and to have a wardrobe where people wonder where I got that top / those trousers (instead of it being blindingly obvious where it's from) but the fact is that, at the moment, I just don't have the time, or the imagination, to do that. I need somewhere where I can go 'Yep, that'll do - I'll have it in 4 different colours, please'.

agree with pirate boden is easy for htose in middle of nowhere too.
i am lollling at "i look shit and i dont care"
yet obviously do
either have courage to say " i look shit but hey the kids will grow up one day"
or "i look shit and wish i didnt"

we ALL wore fleece! ( and odd galoshes type shoes things that someone NICKED at a pool to my horreur )

( and left my socks)