how can I help 19 yo dd

[hellsbells4]

Dd is 19, 5ft 3 and overweight (over 11 stone). Obviously the priority is for her to lose a couple of stone but meanwhile Iwould love to help her find some clothes that might suit her.

Every shop I suggest she dismisses as 'too old', and even if we get inside a clothes shop she just kind of freezes and can't even begin to look at garments. All she is comfortable in is leggings, boots and hoodies but she desperately wants some smarter casual stuff to wear for some Chrstmas events she has coming up. Any ideas please??

I don't think that weight really matters, it's more body type and shape.
Is she curvy all over with boobs and a bum or no boobs and a bit of a belly?
Does she like her legs?
What kind of music is she into, what are her interests? Let's see if we can find something to suit her shape and her personality!

(FWIW- I'm an all over curvy boobs and bum with stumpy legs. Clothes can be a nightmare for me too!)

How about a session with a personal shopper at Topshop or similar?

What size is she?

Bless her!! Maybe try Internet shopping: Dorothy Perkins, Next or ASOS curve are great!! ASOS curve I find are really trendy and reasonable!

I've suggested a personal shopper at Topshop etc - but she was very anti the idea. She won't even let me ask shop assistants to help.
I thinks she's a size 16 but she denies this - and tends to to try on smaller clothes which I think exacerbate the problems.

She has a big bust, spare tyre around the top of her hips, but quite slim, shapely legs. She doesn't seem to have a waist - somehow her hips extend up a long way - it's hard to tell cos she won't letme see her even half-dressed!

I've tried internet shopping but she tends to focus on what the clothes look like on the models - not how they might look on her.

She is in her first full time paid work - and is loving it!! She is a receptionist with Premier Inn (ghastly unflattering uniform) but she is glad to have a uniform so she doesn't have to put an outfit together every day.

Interests??? mmmm pop music, watching soaps on tv, theatre esp musicals, hangingout with friends (boys and girls, but no 'boyfriend' as yet, although I think she would love to have one).

I feel so so guilty about her unfortunate shape/size because when she was about 18 months I began to suffer with severe depression, and for the next 10 years I could barely function as a mother and she was fed erratically and badly. I don't remember ever tucking her into bed at night or reading stories - her childhood is just a blur until I eventually sought help and got appropriate mediaction. If mumsnet had been around 20 years ago it would have made such a difference to dd's life and mine.

Don't beat yourself up about what has gone on in the past - it's not going to help. If your daughter really wants to lose weight, you might check out the Paul McKenna weight loss CDs - there are lots of threads on here about them.

Thinking about it, I never feel like shopping for clothes either if I'm feeling overweight. Why don't you start off with some nice shoes, make up and accessories whilst supporting her with trying to lose weight. Once she starts to lose weight, the interest in clothes will come I think.

First of all, she needs to learn that there's NOTHING wrong with being a size 16. It's a completely average size. In fact I think remember hearing that it's the most common size for women.

This doesn't mean you're F.A.T. It just means you have a different shape than somebody else. No biggie. I've been a size 16 for the last 10 years and noone has ever called me fat.

Anyway, I am guessing that by her being a popular culture fan that she is quite into mainstream fashion etc. (Which is something that I admire from afar... I'm quite happy stuck in my little retro safety bubble thankyou!)

I shall start firing links your way and you can tell me whether they're a yay or nay.... internets furiously

Topshop is no good at all for the larger girl, and certainly not for the big bust. I'm a 16 with a big bust, although much much taller than she is, and I have found some nice things in Oasis. The trick with a big bust is to go with fabric with stretch - jersey is good on me, but woven fabrics less so.

New Look does an 'Inspire' range which is quite good - they have a lot of younger looking stuff. ASOS Curve starts at a 20, I think, so might be too big for her.

Gothy styles can look great on larger girls, which is what I thought of when I saw she liked the theatre. Something like a velvet top in a nice colour to go with jeans?

First of all, River island do jeans up to size 18, and they're usually cut quite well although can be expensive. To avoid muffin top go for a high waist

http://www.riverisland.com/Online/women/jeans/skinny-jeans/dark-blue-authentic-high-waisted-skinny-jeans-607414 river island

which will cinch in any love handles and means you're not exposing your bum.

Wear with a pair of flats and a top with a definite shape for a 'this season' look

very luxe glam

Stay away from ugg boots or anything untailored- they just add bulk to your frame and aren't flattering whatsoever....

super cute

Something like this will look great as a top with jeans or leggings. No see through ones please! And can be dressed up or down by adding a nice slouchy cardi
love
This ones great as it's a bit of a statement in itself- very theatrical and phwoar-worthy.

whimsical

This would look great with a belt and cardi and some skinny jeans.

If you're not brave enough for a skinny jean, don't bother with bootlegs. I find them really ageing and they're never really that fashionable (sorry anyone who disagrees)
I either go for a skinny or the exact opposite- wide leg which balances out your figure. You don't want to look boxy though so make sure they're properly tailored and fit you around the bum
wideo

Old people will cringe but you don't need to wear these with heels, they look fine with a pair of converse. They need to be long enough that they touch the ground but not too much or they'll fall to pieces.

thanks for reminding me not to beat myself up about it - I still do it tho. I have tried to help her in losing weight many, many times - and in a variety of different ways but we just can't seem to stick to any method for long. Dh doesn't help much either because if he goes shopping the fridge is filled with ready made pies/pasties/icecream/etc.

Also, now that she is working shifts (and both dh and I do too) we can go for days without seeing each other so it is even more difficult to help her stick to a diet or exercise plan etc - eg wii zumba. And as she has got older she has taken more responsibility for what she eats and when - with ever worsening consequences.
I'm going to give ASOS curve a spin - never heard of it but it could be good.

this
Is so easy to wear. Either with super thick black tights or leggings. It's an everything outfit. (Lunch, shopping, night out.) total no brainer. And with the right accessories it could be amaazing!

I think you can only lose weight when you REALLY want it. There's a tipping point for everyone. I haven't reached it yet although I went up a size when I was PG and the self loathing was tremendous.
For the time being I am still munching cakes. I know in my head that it needs to stop, and I'm sure I can. I'm just not ready to yet.

I think its easier to build up some confidence in the person who you are right now and then the rest will follow. If you find even one outfit that makes you feel good about yourself then the rest kind of slots in around it without you noticing.

Might sound like a lot of guff but it works for me xxx

Thank you so very much for all these fabulous suggestions - i think we have a starting point now. I'm going to have a look at riverisland today - and then see if we can co-ordinate a joint visit if I think there is some suitable garments. Some of your suggestions appeal to me , but I think dd may dismiss them as too old (esp dresses). With any luck I'll spy a 'curvy' (and especially patient) assistant who will help her - even if I have to engineer an appointment without dd's knowledge.

I've never been hugely overweight but with the right mentoring, exercising and diet over the last year I've lost a stone (down to 10st and stable) and feel so fabulous for it - I so wish i could help dd achieve something similar as it would boost her self esteem immeasurably. But given my flaky parenting in the past I don't think she trusts me hugely.
Thanks once again for the fantastic help from mumsnetters!

You sound like a lovely mum but i can really identify with your daughter. I was an overweight kid too (still am) and i HATED going shopping with my mum. She was the one person i really didn't want to see me undressed. She made one comment early on about how it was a shame i was overweight because i was pretty, as if you can't be overweight and still attractive and i just did not want her to see me. I was desperate to lose weight but defensive too. Would she go shopping on her own if you gave her some money? I think you might find that in a year or so and with the confidence which comes from her job things will change a bit. I started shopping for clothes on my own and also with my skinnier but lovely friends who would help me to find something to suit MY shape rather than encouraging me to buy the same thing as them which would make me look like a fridge! I also had a friend who was a size 16 but wore 14s and looked silly. She realised eventually, but no one else could say anything to sway her!

I always found myself getting a bit stroppy with my mum when shopping and it still annoys me now. its like shes so desperate for me to look nice that she picks up horrendous things with the "just try". I totally get what you mean when you say your daughter freezes! I would want clothes but i felt so horrible about myself, and so embarrassed that having my mum show me clothes she wanted me to try all the time just made me want to go home and put trackies on! I think you sound like a great, concerned mum and you're only trying to help but I would suggest leaving her to it for a bit, until she asks for your help? Also get her watching Gok on the TV! Maybe it would be good to work on other non clothes related things to bring her confidence up a bit first?

Sorry for waffly post!

I second online shopping, so she can try things on in private, and DP dresses?there are hundreds, they're young styles, they don't cost a fortune and they will cover up any problem areas and show off her legs.
Help her focus on her good points. What about hair, earrings, makeup, shoes, interesting tights, nails? Those can look great no matter what size the rest of you is.

I second what Jenda says, unless she has specifically asked you for help, I don't think you can help her. By all means give her some money to go shopping on her own, but she's still young, I had terrible dress sense when I was that age, it'll come to her eventually! It must be so hard being young these days, all young girls seem so fashionable and glammed up all the time, it must be hard if you don't fall into that crowd.

thanks again mumsnetters - you are all totally in tune with the dilemma!

I've tried giving her money to go shopping but she tends to come back with another hoody, another pair of leggings or jeggings (or 2) and yet another pair of uggs! I can so sympathise with how unconfident she feels but I can't help thinking there must be styles that would flatter her more than the ones she drifts to.

Her friends are supportive and try to help her choose clothes but they always seem to end up in primark and new look where anything she chooses looks cheap, nasty and too tight. And any top that I think looks ok she immediately covers up with a hoodie.

Believe me, I know all about mothers being the worst ones to try and help with teenagers clothes! (My own dear mother had me in tweed skirts and twin sets in the '70s!!!)

Her hair is looking more groomed these days - she goes regularly to the hairdresser to get the splitends/frizz cut off, and goes to some trouble to wash and style it for work each day. Makeup likewise - I think maybe she overdoes it a bit but I am not going to risk upsetting her with that comment because I love the fact she takes pride in applying it well.

Shoes? mmm well she has bought some nice ones occasionally but then at the moment of leaving the house her nerve fails and she's back in cheap flat pumps or uggs!

Interesting tights? yes she has several pairs which she says she loves - but I've never actually seen her wear them.

I meant to go to River Island today to look - but didn't get that far.

She has recently asked me yet again to help her lose weight - which I will try to do again - but it is very, very difficult when she has such erratic shifts, just as I do. When she started work she joined the local gym but I think she only ever went to one session. I loathe going to the gym so I have a wonderful personal trainer who comes to the house once a week - and that way I am forced to do at least one really strenuous work out a week. I have huge respect for my trainer because she is at least 10 years older than me!! She would love to help dd too but dd won't even consider her because she is 'so old'. Again, I can understand this - and ideally I'd like to find someone nearer dd's age who perhaps has dealt with a simialr problem to dd. The chances of finding that someone are not great - but I can't help worrying about dd's future health and happiness if I let things go on as they are.

Her reluctance to exercise is now so entrenched that even a (mild) suggestion to walk the dog for half an hour twice a week is met with a scowl and a sigh as if I've asked to fly to the moon and back!

Sorry to go on venting so long - and I do try and keep it all in perspective. Of course there are far, far worse things that other teeens contend with, but I would love to see her get more enjoyment and fulfilment from life.

Where In the uk are you hells? My SIL is a personal trainer who has helped me lose a lot of weight, she is around your dd's age but has contacts all over so may be able to help if close to her or recommend someone.

I know how your dd feels I was a 16 very recently only taller and I hated shopping at all unless on my own.

In terms of losing weight, you can do it without excercise, obviously it speeds things up - but if you cut down, cut out and calorie count she can lose weight easily.

Try telling her about 'My Fitness Pal' which is an online or iphone app, which you can use to record what you eat and count your calories each day, women usually need 2000 per day, so if you're dieting cut it to 1000 - 1200 per day and see what happens.

Can she take salads to work? Or cup a soups? Buy her rice cakes to snack on and malt loaf which is low fat, and just keep the fridge stocked with salad bits and fish or chicken. Tell her to drink lots of water and eat loads of fruit.

In terms of clothing, I agree with ASOS curve, it seems really good in terms of style, price and about the right age for her... Or try H&M online, they do some great fashion clothes which are cheap and worth a go.

Personally I would sit and order her 2 outfits, suprise her, and tell her to choose 2 or 3 things she likes and send the rest back. She needs some confidence building by the sounds of it.

Also look at a decent bra or support body - it can shave a couple of dress sizes off you!

First of all, she is not hugely overweight. Secondly, she sounds as if she is an apple shape, which means she needs to wear short skirts (above the knee) and to show off her legs (high heels are good as she isn't tall) and a non-fitted top. She should probably look at Italian brands as a lot of Italian women are shortish apples and there is a big market for really attractive clothes for that shape in Italy. How about Benetton or Sisley?

This sweater is much nicer than a hoody but still provides lots of coverage.

this is a good outfit for her as it will hide her middle area, wear with heels to elongate her legs and draw attention away from her boobs with the collar...

also this tea dress great for boobs, and wear with boots or heels.

more casual look

tbh with her shape its all about drawing attention to the good bits - boobs/legs/arms and hiding the middle bit as well as elongating her which will give an overall slimmer appearance.

Burn her Uggs too - they won't be helping her at all!