JEANS HELP!!! Minute waist, MASSIVE arse

[BlooferLady]

Yo! Please help me. Please

I have worn jeans (or indeed any sort of trouserthing) in public perhaps 3 times in my life. This is partly because I was brought up believing trousers rendered a woman no better than a common hooer (true story) and partly because I have honestly got the most PREPOSTEROUS body. It's not an exaggeration to say that the sight of me in jeans without fail causes speechlessness of either horror or admiration, depending on the proclivities of the person in question.

However, I am sick of always dressing as if it's either 1894 or 1952. I want to wear jeans and Converse and lark about with a frisbee in the park! I want to SLOUCH IN CHAIRS! I want to look boyish!

I've tried a few pairs on but my God it's a horror story. Anything that fits my arse gapes sensationally around my waist. Often the blighters won't go over my thunder thighs, even though the waist & belly bit is fine. When I DO find a pair that fits it stops about three inches under my belly button, and bending over is an impossibility without flashing three inches of buttock cleavage .

For your information and amusement, here are some vital statistics (and thank Christ for the anonymity of the interwebulator): I am 31, 5 ft 8, have 32 inch inside leg, have a 32-33 inch waist (depending on cake) and ..... wait for it .... 49 inch hips. Yes ladies and gents, a SEVENTEEN INCH DIFFERENCE.

Can anyone find me some jeans please? PLEASE? Thanks. I'm going to go and cry in a corner for a bit.,

PS I realise a 32 inch waist is far from my minute, it's just the GODAWFUL DIFFERENCE between the two, you see.

my

Gap Curvy jeans are your answer.

No help or advice but lurking with intent.

I have the biggest arse in Ireland. And a waist. Not a tiny waist, but a waist.

And I'm shortasfuck.

Actually, I think that would make a good new name... shortasfuck

I have the exact same problem. 32 inch waist - mahoosive bum. Went into the Levis store the other day and tried their Curve ID range - they are made for women like us (literally - this is the problem they are made to address)!! Every pair in my size fitted - the skinnies, the straight, the bootcut!! Amazing. Check out their website then shift that bum down to the nearest store. x

I don't have anything helpful to add but this has brought me out in feminist ranting:
How dare the patriarchy convince you your perfectly natural female body is preposterous, through its inadequate provision of jeans?

good luck, I will be watching with interest because I have a similar though less severe problem with jeans

I was going to suggest Gap curvy too - they are roomy in the arse and thigh without increasing their waist size. Do you have one near you to try some on? One thing though they do seem to expand as you wear them much more than any other jeans so opt for them on the snug side.

Gap good too - got some gap long n lean as well as the Levis (can't believe I came home with two pairs on one day. Shocker.

You of the small waists and big bums may enjoy this:

I live in Dubai no shit and almost every store is staffed by Filipino's who (I have now learnt) are renowned for their frankness. Convo with Levi's shop assistant went like this:

ME: excuse me, [holding up a pair of demi curve jeans] are these made for someone with my shape?

Shop Assistant: yes Mam, big hips and fat ass.

NICE!

You need one or all of the following...

A good seamstress who can take in your waistbands
Long tops (Primark vests are the best)
A selection of funky belts.

Low rise jeans will be your best bet (I have about 15 inches waist/hip difference) hence the long tops to stop whale tailage!

TK Maxx is worth a try, as they have lots of stock that doesn't fit average sized people. I've found jeans there that fit perfectly.

rofl Dubai

Oh hello everyone!!

Thanks for these suggestion (and I agree about the patriarchy...I am actually a very healthy shape and very healthy lass, too - bastards).

I did think about Gap and Levi 'cos I have seen their curve range - but you see I'm not just curvy, I'm also BIG. That arse measurement is technically something like 26 . I'm just sort of assuming that I'll need something ahem, specialist. Possibly on prescription...

Also, I HONESTLY don't see women with my body shape in jeans - cos trust me, I'd notice . If anyone on here has pretty much my measurements and does go out in jeans without being accosted/commented on do let me know.

I promise I ain't exaggerating. A year or so ago a lovely Sudanese woman passed me on the street and said "are you English?" I said yes. And she said, "I saw your face and I thought what a lovely English rose. Then I saw you from behind and I thought well, she must be African!"

I loved her for obviously thinking that was a good thing. Fairly made me day

dubai :o

(when I say thinking that was a good thing I mean obviously a huge arse is fabulous in lots of cultures, just not, alas, in London....)

Yep, Dubai is known for its tact and diplomacy. Mind you, HK isn't much better

"Hello ma'am, you come in and look. We have big sizes. Will fit even you"

Dubai I lived in the PHhilippines for a bit! I was followed around by loud exclamations of "Wow! She's beautiful and she's very VERY fat!"

Although, no, on reflection, Dubai is worse- true story

Woman goes to drive-in- "Can I have a Big Mac meal please"

Drive in- assistant- "Ma'am, you want medium or large?"

Woman: "Er, large please"

Drive in assisant "Ma'am- you sure you want large? You are fat already"

Bagged am HOWLING with laughter!

You can get jeans taken in at the waist by a tailor, they sew a V shape into the back waistband.

Ok- here's another, overheard in Dubai beauty salon

Manicurist to client "Hey, I remember you. You came in with Sharon, right?"

Client "Yes, I do know Sharon. I haven't seen her for a while though"

Manicurist" Oh, Sharon lost lots of weight. Very thin now. Used to be very fat like you"

Hoover - I didn't know that.

That could be the way forward for me, as I'm so short that they have to get turned up anyway

PS thanks Janice, 'tis helpful....

The other problem is that I know the usual advice - wear bootcut jeans and a long floaty top.

But. I don't like bootcuts, they remind me of 90s girls in kitten heels and pashminas slavishly following Trinny and Susannah. And I don't like floaty tops. Oh and also I have such vast bingo wings I could fly from here to Hull, no trubs .

If I were the shape I wanted to be and coudl wear anything, it'd be some boyfriend jeans and a breton top, that sorta thing. IT'S SO UNFAIR. I hate it that I have to dress in styles I don't specially like just because of my idiotic shape and inability to put down the fork.

Interesting about getting a tailor to take it in...

I am STILL waiting for someone with my measurements to pop in with photos of them looking fan-fucking-brilliant in their denims....anyone? ANYONE?

Loving the stories

I was once in a department store in Bangkok - going back about 10 years now, so I was about 25. I was buying some undies, and noticed that they only had size large on the rack. I asked the shop assistant if they had any other sizes, and she said "We have XL, but even they will be too small for you". I was a UK size 6-8 at the time.

I have the same problem on a smaller scale though I am also short which exacerbates the problem as even low-rise jeans are not particularly low on me :(

I used to have some low-rise wide-leg trousers which fitted nicely as you can get the right size for your waist without the legs being skin-tight around your thighs, though this style seems difficult to find these days.

My only advice is do not go to Next, they have recently started making jeans and trousers for people with skinny twig-like legs and massive waists. This is very annoying, as surely fewer women have that shape than have the traditional hourglass/pear?