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Original poster

JEANS HELP!!! Minute waist, MASSIVE arse

65 replies

BlooferLady · 23/03/2011 11:11

Yo! Please help me. Please

I have worn jeans (or indeed any sort of trouserthing) in public perhaps 3 times in my life. This is partly because I was brought up believing trousers rendered a woman no better than a common hooer (true story) and partly because I have honestly got the most PREPOSTEROUS body. It's not an exaggeration to say that the sight of me in jeans without fail causes speechlessness of either horror or admiration, depending on the proclivities of the person in question.

However, I am sick of always dressing as if it's either 1894 or 1952. I want to wear jeans and Converse and lark about with a frisbee in the park! I want to SLOUCH IN CHAIRS! I want to look boyish!

I've tried a few pairs on but my God it's a horror story. Anything that fits my arse gapes sensationally around my waist. Often the blighters won't go over my thunder thighs, even though the waist & belly bit is fine. When I DO find a pair that fits it stops about three inches under my belly button, and bending over is an impossibility without flashing three inches of buttock cleavage .

For your information and amusement, here are some vital statistics (and thank Christ for the anonymity of the interwebulator): I am 31, 5 ft 8, have 32 inch inside leg, have a 32-33 inch waist (depending on cake) and ..... wait for it .... 49 inch hips. Yes ladies and gents, a SEVENTEEN INCH DIFFERENCE.

Can anyone find me some jeans please? PLEASE? Thanks. I'm going to go and cry in a corner for a bit.,

OP posts:
Original poster
BlooferLady · 23/03/2011 11:34

Incidentally itsnotgoingwell in the spirit of solidarity I think you, as biggest arse in Ireland, should tell me, the biggest arse in England, your hip measurement

OP posts:
itisnotgoingwelltoday · 23/03/2011 11:35

I went to Next.

I am a size 10/12

Size 12 jeans would not even go up my thunder thighs

Original poster
BlooferLady · 23/03/2011 11:36

Hang on a cotton picking minute there, Itsnotgoingwell. There I was, clasping you to my bosom as one of my own vast-saddle-bagged sisterhood, and you are a 10/12? GET OFF MY THREAD AND LEAVE SPACE FOR MY FELLOW FREAKS ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
BlooferLady · 23/03/2011 11:37

Ahem. Wink

OP posts:
ShortArseFuck · 23/03/2011 11:40

Tis I itisnotgoingwelltoday.

On another thread I have name changed.

As I am short as fuck and have a fat arse.

I was pretending it was Friday.

However, I digress.

I am 5ft nothing in my socks.

I am like a wee barrel.

Original poster
BlooferLady · 23/03/2011 11:41

All right. You can play

I do hear tell of the Apple Bottoms brand. However they're not stocked anywhere in the UK (that I can find), and the brand is designed by Nelly, of hip-hop sex offender shame..

OP posts:
Ephiny · 23/03/2011 11:42

I'm ususally a 10 as well but could barely get my legs into the size 12 Next trousers I bought. I could go up to a 14 but then the waist would be so big you could get two of me in it...

It's a recent thing as well, I compared with a pair of Next jeans in the same size from a couple of years ago and the waist is a good few inches bigger (and legs are much narrower). I can't imagine what they're thinking.

It's completely at odds with the size guide on their website as well Angry

ShortArseFuck · 23/03/2011 11:43

Ephiny - glad it's not just me, I thought no farking way am I a 14, in M&S I'm a fucking 8 !!

herecomesthsun · 23/03/2011 11:43

I used to have a waist of 24-25 and a bum of 40-41 inches when I was much younger. At the mo, post childbearing and a couple of decades later, I am 33-34 waist and 44-45 hip. I always found trousers and jeans problematic. I dislike low rise, and it does leave an expanse of waist and tum. I think with what they call a low waist to hip ratio, you are well served by having some definition at the waist, and if you cover yourself up with a long top, it is best if this has a waist, or looks ok belted.

A waisted long top and leggings is one possibility, quite comfy and fine for chasing toddlers.

Drawstring trousers are another possibility. I have some linen ones I got in Jaeger sale that look fine with a fitted T shirt. In a soft denim or chambray, that might approach a jeans solution.

Also Vivienne of Holloway do wide leg, waisted vintage style trousers. I think they have a 12" waist to hip ratio, but you could ask whether they could do a special order perhaps?

Palazzo pants (Grin see loons thread) are coming back. I have often found that with wide leg trousers, they ahem, come up more fitted on me (and I may well be able to take a size or 2 down to accommodate the smaller waist). I think that trying on a few would do no harm and you might find something that suits.

Good luck!

Ariesgirl · 23/03/2011 11:44

I saw this in Most Active Bloof and knew immediately it was you

There ARE jeans out there for you and you will rock them. And when you find them I will come and play frisbee with you in parks and then we will demolish a bottle of rose in the sunshine and talk about boys.

Ariesgirl · 23/03/2011 11:49

Actually jeans are funny things. I tried some skinny ones on the other day in the hope of being able to tuck them into boots like the trendy people, and they just made my bum look weird. They were very unforgiving. So I went the other way and bought some slouchy boyfriend ones. The shop assistant (male, about 22) looked at me pityingly but I bought the fuckers anyway. And now I look like a sad 36 year old woman who wants to be hip. I don't care

RunnerHasbeen · 23/03/2011 11:51

I'm not the same size but I have the same proportions as you, shave 4 inches off everything including height and I'm there - I look fairly good in jeans (but DH does look like I'm asking him to donate a kidney if I mention I need to go jeans or trousers shopping as he knows what a long, painful process it is). I'm mostly bum though, like I sat on a cushion and it stayed stuck to me like a coaster to a cup, so perhaps when I assess my appearance from the front I'm kidding myself a bit. I'm nowhere near brave enough to post a picture though.

I do hate that it is healthy to have a large waist hip ratio but impossible to get clothes. I asked in M&S why the work trousers had all changed shape (t'was brave as I was half expecting: "we haven't, perhaps you have changed shape" answer). Average waist hip ratio is now close to one and they reflect that - but that would not be the average at the smaller (including your) sizes. It is stupid to take averages and scale up and down using the exact same pattern, but that is what shops do.

ShortArseFuck · 23/03/2011 11:52

I am 41

I was never hip when I was 22 so I suppose it's a bit late to try Wink

I just some some fucking un-granny jeans that blinking fit me.

Original poster
BlooferLady · 23/03/2011 11:53

Hello dear Aries! I think you'd look mazing in the boyfriends actually. And 36 is not too old for hipness you loon!

I am liking the park plan.

Can I just add that my aversion to trousers and jeans is such that I spend winters literally WEEPING with cold in my floral frocks and 50s skirts Sad.

Herecomes that's really, really helpful thanks :)

OP posts:
HappyAsIAm · 23/03/2011 11:54

Bodymetrics make made to emasure jeans. I don't know how much they are exactly, but I believe they're around the £150 mark. They scan your body and make them to fit your every measurement. It may eb worth spending that money up front, than repeatedly buying things that don't fit (no idea of your budget/situation though)

Original poster
BlooferLady · 23/03/2011 11:54

Oooo stop press, just remembered ASOS has a curve range. these look ace from the arse perspective - but look at the size of the flare! That's why I don't like bootcut you see - there's all that awful rustling of denim against denim as you walk

OP posts:
monkeyjamtart · 23/03/2011 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

herecomesthsun · 23/03/2011 11:57

Grin I wanted to be Chrissie Hynde when I was 16...

Ariesgirl · 23/03/2011 11:57

She has a very good bottom.

Incidentally what is your hip/waist ratio? Ones, rather? Is it one divided by t'other?

scotsgirl23 · 23/03/2011 11:57

Another one with the same problem - a little smaller but if you look up my measurements on size charts my waist tends to be about 3 sizes smaller than the rest of me! The only trousers and jeans I can get away with are low waist wide leg ones as everything else makes my arse look like an overstuffed pillow.

I, too, spend my life in skirts and dresses. And then get slagged off for not being casual enough on dress down friday!

Original poster
BlooferLady · 23/03/2011 11:59

Happy I'd willingly pay that for summat that would last ... I'm slooooooooowly trimming up though so that might be a nice prize for when, you know, here is only a 15 inch difference between hip and waist or something....

Am HOWLING again at the 'coast stuck to a cup' analogy! Grin

Monkey you are dead right. I feel all cross now. Dammitall! A thousand years ago I would have been worshipped as a fertility goddess! Why is it suddenly not OK to look like a woman? Angry Anyone want to go on a march? We can play frisbee!

OP posts:
Ariesgirl · 23/03/2011 12:01

I expect you have seen this

Original poster
BlooferLady · 23/03/2011 12:01

You can work out waist/hip ratio here Aries . Mine is 0.67 which puts me firmly in the 'never going to get heart disease' category

OP posts:
nickschick · 23/03/2011 12:03
Grin
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