JEANS HELP!!! Minute waist, MASSIVE arse

[BlooferLady]

Yo! Please help me. Please

I have worn jeans (or indeed any sort of trouserthing) in public perhaps 3 times in my life. This is partly because I was brought up believing trousers rendered a woman no better than a common hooer (true story) and partly because I have honestly got the most PREPOSTEROUS body. It's not an exaggeration to say that the sight of me in jeans without fail causes speechlessness of either horror or admiration, depending on the proclivities of the person in question.

However, I am sick of always dressing as if it's either 1894 or 1952. I want to wear jeans and Converse and lark about with a frisbee in the park! I want to SLOUCH IN CHAIRS! I want to look boyish!

I've tried a few pairs on but my God it's a horror story. Anything that fits my arse gapes sensationally around my waist. Often the blighters won't go over my thunder thighs, even though the waist & belly bit is fine. When I DO find a pair that fits it stops about three inches under my belly button, and bending over is an impossibility without flashing three inches of buttock cleavage .

For your information and amusement, here are some vital statistics (and thank Christ for the anonymity of the interwebulator): I am 31, 5 ft 8, have 32 inch inside leg, have a 32-33 inch waist (depending on cake) and ..... wait for it .... 49 inch hips. Yes ladies and gents, a SEVENTEEN INCH DIFFERENCE.

Can anyone find me some jeans please? PLEASE? Thanks. I'm going to go and cry in a corner for a bit.,

0.65 hip:waist here. ah well, at least gigantic butt has some benefits!

Bloofer - Bodymentrics are in Selfridges, London. I have never used them (bizarrely, I have finally found 2 styles of jeans that fit me well enough from Petite Affiar and Wallis Petite, of all places - I am a shortie). I would imagine that some MNers have though.

Bodymetrics

Similar problems here. I went into Levis to try a "bold curve" on. The assistant insisted on measuring me and suggested I might like to try on their bold curve (well durr...).

It was so low on the waist that the bit of it that was 33, didn't come anywhere near the bit of me that is 33 so it didn't do up.

Perhaps I'll try GAP.

Nickschick I spurted some perfectly good PG Tips then you bint!

Aries that is an interesting website.

As an aside. Isn't it funny what we think about others' figures. If I see a biggish woman (say 16-18) rocking a very stylish and quite revealing outfit, I think WHOA MAMA, I bet everyone fancies the silk French knickers off you, miss!

And then I look in the mirror and think, hmnmmmm, better wear a dressing gown to work, to spare the eyes of my colleagues....

Thanks for that Happy. Something to aim for, I think!

to illustrate above point about perception and misperception, check out Young Fat and Fabulous. I am (I'd judge) a dress size smaller (if that) and an inch or so taller, but have never in my entire life looked that hot...

Oh right. Winter. I wear leggings, big biker boots (Ash that I got in the sale), stretch velvet pencil skirt, cashmere cardie, down jacket, scarf and gloves. I can get to work in the snow like that, and I am not cold. M and S thermals underneath if need be. I have tried getting dress woollen trews but cannot find to suit, also I am warmer in the above get up than in jeans.

I have tried various leggings, but found they (sigh) seemed to gape on the waist and not really fit, but I do like Boden.

By the way, I wear Boden straight legs, of which I have a single pair, if I want to wear jeans (delete pretend I am a bit younger than I am delete), they are actually a bit snug at the (lowish) waist, but I am told they look good on. I wonder whether you would manage with some of their offerings? (If you are near one of their stores it might be worth a trying on session). They go up to a 22 now.

Also, I have some Marina Rinaldi size 20 stretch jeans somewhere that don't really fit any more. I was prob around 49" bum at that time. I wonder whether you would have got on with them (got them second hand off Ebay).

I wonder if you are prob around a 20-22 (not a 26).
(looks on M and S, they make 47" a 20 and 50" a 22)

Those are very classy indeed nickschick.

My hip/waist thing is 0.72 but according to the chart my body fat is 33% which puts me in the "about to die" category. Surely there must be an error?

Your winter outfit sounds luffly herecomes, INCLUDING the thermals!

Mmmm yes, I don't think I would actually need 26 jeans - a pal recently gave me a pair of DP size 20 and they're a bit big. So obviously I went and tried on some DP 18 expecting them to fit perfectly but life is not that simple, clearly...

Right off to look a the Marina Rinaldi!

According to the chart i use for body fat (my scales measure it)33% is the borderline between healthy and overfat for a woman under 39?

(decides to just stick with that one!)

my body fat % is shamefully high . And ALL of it on my arse and thighs, which look a bit like a Lucien Freud has turned to vanilla blancmange as his latest medium

Rofl at the tales of frankness - I have one too from when I was in Central America. Sitting round the dinner table with another female volunteer and bunch of burly male park rangers - the blokes started discussing our weight! (In spanish but they knew we spoke it too) - "I think she is 70 kilos" "Ah nonsense Arturro, 75 at least!" "80 I think!" etc. Me:

They also used the word "Gordita" meaning "the cute fat girl".

But it was all completely warm-hearted and cheery, and the funny thing was they were the most respectful, non-sexist men you could imagine.

I have some PZI jeans. I have to say their website wasn't great and they were out of stock of a lot of things (this is about a year ago) and I think I got the right size more by luck than judgement - I did their measuring thing, they said to size down but I didn't because whenever someone says size down I NEVER can. Anyway they DO fit, comfortably, thank goodness because they weren't cheap and came from overseas and I hadn't checked the return policy.

Last year they didn't seem to be available to buy in the UK, only by shipping from the US, but maybe they are now, I don't know.

I have about 11inches difference between waist and hips which is not as much as some people here I know, but suffice to say I couldn't get any of the Levi curve jeans to fit me (am also long bodied) and complained gave feedback to the shop assistant who couldn't have been less interested.

Ive told this story before and ill tell it again.

I was walking home from dropping ds at school with 3 of my 'mummy friends' ....'w' a size 20-22 said shed be happy if she was my size (14-16) I said Id be content to be the same size as 'D' a size 12 'D' said she wished she was as thin as 'a' who was a size 8-10m 'A' said shed be happy if she had a physical facial imperfection corrected........some 15 years later 'w' is at least a size 22 is v happily married has had lots more children (and 2 new husbands) I had another dc D was a single mum now happily married to her boss living in Dubai and 'A'? she commited suicide.

Lifes to short.

Embrace your curves.

A couple of friends of mine who have a very high waist to hip ratio get their jeans made by www.makeyourownjeans.com

The are based in India and the jeans are very affordable.

Here are the pros and cons...

I ordered from there and the jeans I got back were not right and didn't match my measurements. I emailed repeatedly and they kept telling me to send jpegs which I did, they kept telling me they couldn't open the file and they needed jpegs, I sent jpegs, repeatedly, they told me they weren't jpegs. Erm, OH is a photographer and I work in an industry where I receive and send jpegs a lot. I think I know what is and isn't a jpeg. It was like going round and round in circles. So, rubbish customer service for me and I had to write off the £35 (only) that it cost me to have the jeans made because they wouldn't give me a refund without the photographic proof they needed to see the measurements didn't match up.

However my other 2 friends love their jeans from them and order from them repeatedly in various colours and styles. I think each of them may have had one negative experience each where the jeans didn't come up as they'd hoped size-wise but decided to persevere because they had such a hard time finding jeans to fit. Now they have got their measurements down to perfection and are happy to keep ordering. I suspect I am not great at measuring myself which is why things didn't work out so well for me. It's not the first time my measuring myself has brought me the wrong sized clothes when ordering online .

If you do decide to try them out I would recommend that you go for the cheaper denim option for your first pair so that you can fine tune if necessary and go for the higher quality denim when you're happy with your measurements.