AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

[Daffydilly]

That's it really - just needed to get it off my chest. If there are any step-mums out there who don't recognise that feeling then please let me know your secret.

Hey Daffydilly,

Sorry can't help you, I feel your pain on a regular basis and recognise that feeling only too well.

Anything in particular to get off your chest?

Onion x

AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH and wine for you daffydilly.

Child or ex problems?

yes I know that feeling

Oh wow did that huge gap come up on everyones? How special, i have never had that happen before!

I know exactyl how you feel! On a regular basis.

(yes I got the big gap too)

Exactly, I mean!

Child and ex - struggling as ever with the differences in the way I brought up my children and the way my DSD's are being brought up. The ex is a constant problem - she sets the rules in our house and I can't list all the things I'm not allowed to do, but basically what I am allowed to do for the DSD's is cook and clean. Meet the housekeeper....

great isnt it. Im allowed to:

• pick up DSD from school
• cook for DSD (but whatever I do cook is ridiculed for being 'posh' i.e. not from the freezer.
• Take DSD to her dance class every week (oh and pay for it along with DP)
• Take DSD shopping for any boring items she needs i.e. socks, school shoes.
• Have DSD over night when her dad is away with work and her mum is tired.
• Pick up after, clean and generally skivy for DSD.

I am not allowed to:

• Be openly proud of DSD
• Take her shopping for anything fun. In particular bras are a forbidden area.
• Play make up or do anything fun and 'mum' like.
• basically receive any kind of thanks for anything at all.

heehee that mad me feel a bit better! these are obviously mothers rules not mine and dps. and I break most of them A LOT. Fuck it.

Good for you foureleven! I've worked out, only very recently, that the only way to get through life with my 2 dsd's and dss is to totally ignore unreasonable requests from their mum. At the end of the day I think you have to act naturally with them. Sounds like you're doing a great job.

But yes. AAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I feel a bit guilty about posting in this thread TBH because while I def feel ARRGHHH - my situation is nowhere near as tough as many others that are described on this thread and elsewhere on the Step pages.

I've reached the basic conclusion that it's just damn damn tough - practically, emotionally, physically and financially for some. Even for those of us who have it relatively easy, the dynamics can be so very difficult to ride out. So - I'll hold my guilt in my hand but join in with the emotion of the ARRGHH.

x

I think it is both difficult for mums and stepmums.

I'm mum and really pleased that my dd's have a stepmum I really have no complaints about. However, I would be quite upset if she took over the role of mum in such things as have been mentioned above - ie going out and buying bras (unless a specific birthday/xmas present). Things like this are surely a special thing between mum and daughter? (if they have a good relationship)- and shouldn't be taken away from them.

I do have very firm views over ages for wearing nail polish and makeup, and the type of clothing my dd's wear and have had to on several occasions ask dad and stepmum to please respect my views on this, which they have ignored a couple of times for whatever reason. I very rarely have my say unless I do feel strongly about something, and think it is really very important that some things remain consistent throughout the two homes.

I see their refusal to respect my views on this as a battle waiting to happen with my own dd's which I really don't want to happen (yes, it may sort of happen anyway but then it's just a case of I've said No! In this instance it's, well dad/smum lets me!) if they allow them to do this, I then come across as the ogre not allowing them, something I feel is really unfair!

Difficult isn't it. Don't think either side has it easier. Just have to respect each other as much as possible - IF possible.

I am not allowed to take DSD's to school, I'm not allowed to take them to the loo if we're out, I'm not allowed to read them stories and have only been allowed to be on my own with them for very short periods in the last few months (have been with DH for 4 years. I'm not allowed to ask them to either do something or not do something. I am fed up with being made to feel that there's something wrong with me. I understand that mums don't want step-mums muscling in on them but I just want a normal household. I want to be able to say "don't jump on the settee". I don't want to be their mum - I have my own children and am not very "motherly" anyway. My DC are grown up so I don't honestly know how I would be if I had young children and a step-mum came on the scene - but I do like to think I would be less extreme. I just think that you can't have too many people who care about you and while I'm not their mum - and don't want to be - I am another adult in their lives who could be enriching their childhood.
End of rant..... (for today anyway!)

They already do see me as that - because she has actually told them that is the case. It's not as simple as just not doing as she says. She is a bully and a specialist in emotional blackmail. It's a complicated story but I really can't see an alternative at the moment. Tne stakes are too high for me personally - I could push for a full on battle but if she wins she will move away and I know we will have to follow. All my family are here and it would break my heart to live anywhere else.

I feel for you Daffydilly. Mum really shouldn't interfere in how the kids are generally looked after by you or their dad. She needs to back off.

My dd's stepmum is OW and I could, if I felt the need, be the exwife from hell - I was devastated when she finally got her claws into him - but I am mature enough and responsible enough to know that if the kids are happy, I'm happy. I don't think that I have any rights to say anything about how they do things generally with the dd's in their time, unless they are in any danger. My kids come back having worn the same clothes the whole time, no teeth cleaned, no hair brushed, sometimes hungry etc all things I could nitpick at but although this does irritate me on occasions, I just tell myself they've had a nice time with their dad and now they are back safely and in perfectly good health etc same as they were handed over.

I do, however feel I'm asking a resonable request for my 7 and 5 year old not to wear makeup and nail varnish, short skirts, strappy tops before their time. Not a big deal to some I know but just something I feel strongly about and would hope my views and opinions would be respected.

I actually feel more lucky having read your posts as I would hate to have constant battles with stepmum over the children.

Try to switch off and just look after them as you see fit - I would actually feel sorry for her that she has nothing better to do than constantly moan and try and involve the children in her battles - she needs to get a life.

It's so good to be talking about this on here. Part of what makes it harder is that my grown-up daughter is in a really good and positive step-family situation so I can see how it could be. I feel like you talie about young girls wearing strappy tops and make-up and have refused to go swimming with my DSD's in their bikinis - brought for them by their Mum. I never let my girls wear them at that age and it feels wrong to me. I know I'm old fashioned but I'm just not comfortable with it.

Thank you Daffydilly, I'm glad I'm not the only one with old fashioned views.

• and thank you so much for that mjinhiding - if you actually spoke to my exh and his wife they would probably tell you a different story! Funny how people see things in a different light, but although I say it myself, I do actually stand back and not interfere as much as I possibly can unless, like I said before that I feel really strongly about something. If only all split families could be like this - it would be so much easier for all concerned.

At the end of the day, the only person you are really winding up is yourself if you continue to nag and moan at the other person! I want an easy, stressfree life and no hassle rubs off on the children and makes them so much happier going between the two families. (I also made mistakes in the early days in reacting to how the ex treat me because I was so upset! - but quickly learned from them as it had an adverse affect on the dd's to the point I had to seek professional help for my eldest). I soon changed my reactions to exh and OW and things are SOOOOOO much better now. Unfortunately exh still has issues with me (anyone would think I left him!) and is really disrespectful of me and anything that goes wrong is ALWAYS MY fault according to him - but again, I don't react and it's soon forgotten.

I don't want to go backwards I want to move forwards and treat both of them how I like to be treated myself. Life is too short for arguing all the time and mumsnet and these conversations show me how lucky I am.

Im with you on the ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH front. I am torn every weekend, is it going to be a good one or a bad one, what shite is her mum telling her.

I have been so understanding that her mum maybe feels threatened etc but recently its starting to quite blutly piss me off!! Ive been with her dad for long enough. We have lived together for 18months-2years now. last year DSD's mum just stopped for no reason my partner seeing his daughter. We had to take her to court and 9 months later we won :-D so she is with us 3 weeks out of 4 (and meant to be with us in holidays too - not that it ever happens)

My niggle here is this: her mum has told her (she is 4) that she is NOT allowed to wear clothes that we buy her, she is not allowed to take anything back to her mums from our house etc etc etc

I finally flipped when her mum told her that she is not allowed to call me mum, think of me as mum, or get attached to me as me and her dad wont be together that long!! Im sorry but I find this totally out of order, for one reason is that she is allowed 2 dads but not 2 mums....and seriously my DSD was so upset thinking me and her dad would be splitting up!

I kinda put my foot down and said whatever her mum has told her etc stays at the front door, when she is here she is with us and not her mum. She was so pleased as she told her dad that she wants to call me mum, to the point of waking me up at 6am to give me a hug and tell me she loves me, and loves me being her other mummy.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh feel so much better (sorry if I hyjacked)

Hijacking is good - I'm just happy not to be alone with this.

There are lots of reasons why exes cause trouble, but they really should be adult enough to deal with it and really shouldn't involve the children in their battles!

Please remember there are always two sides to the story though - my ex has from day one convinced his now wife that I am some sort of crazy woman that trys to stop him seeing his kids! (I have to remind him to think of all the times he hasn't seen his kids - oo is that mostly the times he's cancelled? I rest my case!) She obviously believes him because I have even offered to meet up with her (which took a lot for me to do) and asked her to judge me for herself and not go by what he tells her - she refused. Don't get me wrong I don't want to be best friends with her, I haven't got to that stage yet purely because she was the OW, and as yet thankfully I don't really have to have conversations with her but I do hope in the future that we will be on proper amicable speaking terms because that's what I feel is best for all concerned.

Also, unless you hear first hand from the exwives please remember that children tell you their version of events too and not always fact. I know this from experience as my kids come back and tell me things which have really infuriated me at times, but when I've asked exh his explanation is quite different and acceptable.

Stacey - I do think stepmum being called 'mum' is a difficult one and I would personally find this quite upsetting if my dd's called their stepmum 'mum' - I can't explain my reasons, guess I'm just a sensitive emotional fool but I do feel I am their only mum.

talie101 I know where your coming from I dont expect her to, the problem I have is my DSD has to call her mums other half Dad and gets yelled at if she calls him by his name... but she's not allowed to acknowledge me in any way shape or form. I really dont give a shit, its how the child feels in my eyes and she likes being with me and her dad and we have fun so thats all that matters.